end times

How to Celebrate the Rapture by Throwing Your Own End-of-the-World Party

 

The end is near!  If Judgment Day on May 21 has you stressed, we recommend throwing the End of the World Bash to end all End of the World Bashes … literally.

Sure, you don’t have time for handwritten invitations, evites, or even a Facebook invite. Just send out a mass text message out: “RAPTURE PARTY: My place, 4pm – eternity!”

Who cares if the dust bunnies are the size of actual bunnies or if your Kwaanza decorations are still hanging from the ceiling. (Kwanza 2008.)

Pull out several large garbage bags, fill them with empty wine bottles, dirty clothes, Hummels, dead plants and anything else you have cluttering up your living room. That’s clean enough for Judgement Day!

Of course, if you’re not ready to have guests over, that’s okay. Just check your local listings for an end times party in your town. The Mezz Bar in LA shrugs, “If the world’s gonna end we might as well go out with a bang,” and SF’s Q Bar boasts, “Got rapture issues? No problem! Here at Q Bar we dance like it’s the end of the world EVERY Friday.”

Now, if you’re in the mood to host the festivities, we’ll need to start with the menu.

Don’t stress about food!

Simple hour d’oeuvres will do: cheese and crackers, crudites, festive taco salad, Chinese leftovers, some huitlacoche you accidentally grew. If you want to get cheeky, set out pitchers of Kool-Aid with little signs that say “Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid” and have your guests help themselves.

Be sure to stock up on alcohol! Your guests will probably still be a little tipsy from brunch but the rapture is like St. Patrick’s Day: people drink until they blackout and then wake up in prison, only this time the warden will be The Angel of the Bottomless Pit.

Make your drunk friends feel special (FOR ONCE) by whipping up the true End of the World Cocktail: the Black Mojito.

Now that you’ve got the food squared away, let’s talk about your outfit.

What to wear?

That depends. Have you been naughty or nice? That’s not a trick question this time around. It’s before Memorial Day, but pull out your White Party outfit if you’re a good boy.

Opt for your Black Party gear if you need to be spanked for your sins. Once you and your apartment/house/trailer park is ready for guests, put Fox News on mute. It’s sure to have the right Rapturous coverage.

Now, let’s talk music…

Apocalyptic or not, this is the official Queerty Rapture Playlist:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSaFgAwnRSc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Sd-MEOP5B

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6tV11acSRk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHCdS7O248g

Happy end of days, everyone! Remember to wear clean undies.

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