Work life can suck — no arguing that one. But it can go from unpleasant to downright insufferable for LGBT employees who feel pressured to hide their identities from bosses and coworkers for the sake of professional advancement.
We teamed up with Whisper to uncover some of the uncomfortable realities that still exist in the workplace. Although sometimes the biggest problem is simply too much office eye candy.
Here’s what they uncovered:
To see more stories shared confidentially, check out Whisper.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Blackceo
I saw one of my workers out in public in some obvious PDA with some guy but he’s not out at work. It was strange because given just casual conversation I assumed he was straight. It is his choice because you don’t necessarily have to tell your business but everyone knows I’m gay and I’m the boss. It made me feel some type of way because I foster a very open and nurturing environment and have no tolerance for homophobia, sexism, or racism. The only rule I have that governs behavior (outside the normal dress code and other professional etiquette) is no co worker hanky panky. Again, I hope he feels comfortable but it is not appropriate for me to say anything to him unless he says something.
o.codone
nobody brings it up at the office, and while i assume ppl know i’m gay, it’s just not discussed. then came the hot co-worker who jumped in my bed, and it’s getting harder to keep the fireworks from bursting like glitter all over the place. (does mentioning “glitter” put me in some new, uber-gay category?). hahahahahha.
jockjack5
Some of these revelations are sad, but many are rather charming and humorous.
I’m glad that a happy balance was struck.
Imagine finding your boss on Grindr… hahaha!
Esteban1971
The general consensus around my workplace was that I was gay. We had rules on the books forbidding harassment as long as people kept to themselves, but the org was a right-wing one and they made their dissatisfaction known in other ways. I was proficient at my job, but they kept increasing the standard, higher and higher demands for quality beyond the norm. They also tacked on additional duties across a multitude of unrelated subjects, increasing the number and diversity when I demonstrated I could handle more than one task. It got to the point at which I sent an email to the boss warning him I was going to collapse–so he assigned me a loud title (which came with no authority or benefits) and continued to allow the overwhelming to occur. All this time, I was getting “joke” emails about how stupid men are (I worked in an all-female office), which are forbidden by our org. I also later discovered that what were errors and failures for me were perfectly acceptable deviations for my co-workers. When I finally collapsed from doing roughly 4X the work of the person next to me, they made a loud, public spectacle of it and openly denigrated me as useless despite the volume of work I’d turned in over the last few months.
And then I told them that I’d kept records of the workload, “joke” emails and documented my work to the point that they started to take me seriously. I had to threaten to go public with what they were doing–they separated me from all the others until my contract expired, “Because you make everyone nervous.”
tdh1980
Most of these read like premises for movies, both comedic and dramatic (and maybe even adult). Working in theatre, I assume every man that I meet is gay until he says or shows otherwise, and even then I retain a bit of skepticism.
neumonicwino
Fortunately for me I work for a company that has a zero tolerance policy in regards to sexual discrimination against LGBT persons. That I know of, two people currently know I’m gay, one being my boss. I could care less how many know, or whether or not they like it or not. I don’t push my sexuality on people. I don’t have sexual relations with people I work for, or even flirt with them. I’m not there to make friends with my coworkers, so I don’t care what they think of me personally. I let my work ethic speak for me, and they should respect me for that. If they don’t, I’m not going to lose sleep over it.
Desert Boy
Never heard of ‘Whisper’ before. In any event, it’s the 21st century. Not living an authentic life isn’t just tragic, it’s unhealthy.
jppatrick59
Prior to being inadvertently “outed” at work; Private Office, Stellar Reviews, Great Raises and Bonuses. After a blind date with what turned out to be a relative of the General Manager and thus outed; Horrible Review, Zero Percent Raise on Annual, Zero Christmas Bonus, Moved to the Bull Pen with the homo jokes and testosterone club. Same me, same performance, same everything. Easy to do the math.
Lvng1Tor
So happy I actually work for an lgbt non profit…I get to be exactly who I am at all times.
demented
@Lvng1Tor: Unless you’re Renee Gilinger or Michael Marsico. Then being who you are will get you kicked out of an LGBT group.
AtticusBennett
here’s what pisses me off – you don’t need to be Out, to be Openly Gay, to stand up against homophobia. Frankly, I’m appalled at any grown adults who continue to remain silent or worse, laugh along, with homophobic jokes and comments from co-workers. Here’s the deal for those of you who do it – the reason you’re in the position you’re in is because other gay people who were in your position made the same cowardly self-serving choice to “play along”
i don’t care if you’re strong enough yet to Come Out or not – have some integrity as a human being and call out that homophobia. or it will never get better.
I’ve been Out to everyone – co-workers and all, since I was a teenager. Know what that’s meant? that people respect me, as i command respect, and they know that not only am *I* not to be trifled with, but that they know and respect and admire a gay person – meaning they’re less likely to say homophobic things to *anyone*, let alone even harbour homophobic feelings.
get on it ,boys.
dave lopes
I only come out to people I am interested in sexually. To all others, it is none of their business.
I do however try to educate people who spout negative or unreasonable comments about same sex atraction.
Not by preaching some PC BS but by using reason and logic and they usually end up with ” I never thought of it that way before”.
biguy
Whether at work or not, I pretty much keep quiet about being bi since it just elicits contempt from gay men and disgust from straight women.
tdh1980
@AtticusBennett: I concur. One’s closet status notwithstanding, I can’t fathom how anyone can work in an environment wherein any type of bigotry reigns supreme. Homophobia, racism, sexism, etc. have no business in the workplace because all of us have a right to feel safe and comfortable where we spends the majority of our days.
tdx3fan
@AtticusBennett: @tdh1980: Given the choice to work in an environment with a little warped sense of humor or a choice to work in an environment ruled by PC b/s. I will choose the warped one every single time. I only laugh at the gay jokes that are funny and true though.
tdh1980
@tdx3fan: When a good portion of these whispers are from people who have been or fear being fired because they’re gay or complain of blatantly homophobic coworkers, I think it’s reasonable to assume that they’re not merely talking about their lack of comfort with harmless “gay jokes.” You do know the difference, don’t you?
sleepyrabbit
I am openly gay at work. I work in sales for an insurance company and am a top performer (no pun intended) and have won a place for myself and my partner for a foreign holiday with other winners across the business. I was a little nervous about attending as we were the only gay couple of about 30 but no one (that I noticed) seemed to bat an eyelid. I feel for those men and women who aren’t able to be themselves at work.
Desert Boy
29 States Can Fire You For Being Gay. Is Your State One Of Them?
http://www.upworthy.com/29-states-can-fire-you-for-being-gay-is-your-state-one-of-them
Captain Obvious
The homophobia I get, but some of these are like middle school kids with their first crush.
Big whoop you can’t hit on random guys at work, you shouldn’t be hitting on anyone at work in the first place.
And really there are plenty of places you can move to so that you won’t face homophobia in the work place. “Well I shouldn’t have to?” – This is America, we all(those who are not straight and white) have to do some things we don’t like in order to find a more comfortable setting.
If you get fired for being gay then report them for discrimination. Not sue, report them.
rcblue73
Back in the bad old days, I worked in military connected businesses, had security clearances and worked with a lot of fundamentalist Christians. Don’t think any of you could comprehend what that was like. My time in a personal hell. Yet, in spite of a lot of grief, I was never confronted about my sexuality – though, over the years, many people shared their horrible experiences about what they went through. Then, years later at the last “real employee” type job I had, I was harassed in the most outrageous ways possible. I reported the problems through the proper channels and that effectively ended my career. Like a gnat hitting a windshield at 70 miles an hour. I was effectively nuked, the issue of what happens when an individual is up against an extremely wealthy right wing owner of a business with unlimited resources plus lots of political and religious connections. Talking about moving to a different part of the country is pointless, because when you’re blacklisted by the right people, you’re blacklisted wide and far. If you’re talking about pity parties, many people since then have shared similar experiences with me, so it’s a huge party. If you’re thinking we’re all beyond that now and everything is happy and kiss-kiss time, don’t kid yourself. Since my blacklisting, I could only find work doing contract jobs but in doing so, I discovered a lot of what goes on behind the scenes in the executive level of companies. Their official policies are a veneer, what really goes on is something quite different. Like an iceberg, the bulk of what really goes on – is hidden below the water line.
Merv
I used to work for a large multinational corporation that was quite gay-friendly as large multinationals go. One of my coworkers pointed out that our management chain was alternately gay-straight-gay-straight for six levels, all the way up to the CEO. So, my boss was gay. I never talked about my sexuality at work, but I’m sure some people figured it out. Anyway, one day our group went out for a morale lunch, and somehow got to playing thumb wrestling with my boss, who happened to have had a few drinks. I won, but afterwards he was acting like a bashful giggling schoolgirl, which made me wonder if he had a crush on me. He just friended me on Facebook a few weeks ago, although we haven’t been in contact for years.
OptimusFine0518
I have never felt the need to comment on any Queerty article before until this one; much less create a profile to do so.
Reading this article hit home as many in the gay community would say I’m still “in the closet” at work. But my question to those that feel the need to foist such a label is this, “Who are YOU to judge me?” Not every gay man or lesbian has the same work environment or lives in a community where it’s “easy” to be out. I am out at work to people that I trust, but yet whether or not I’m gay has no relevance on how I do my job.
I’m very fortunate to work for a global company that has no issues with a person being gay/straight/bi/trans etc. etc. etc.; however I’m not out at work because I DON’T want that “special” treatment some people feel they must give after they find out a co-worker is gay. I want my work judged solely on performance without any external factors being taken into consideration. Does this offend some in the gay community? Probably, but I also don’t care. I don’t live by their rules.
I completely empathize with many of the guys quoted from Whisper as yes, there are times it’s difficult not to say anything. Especially when the hot new guy joins your department and all you can do is sit there and stare in meetings. LOL yes I’ll admit I’ve had a few guys totally break my concentration in meetings but that’s life.
As a lesbian friend and co-worker experienced first hand; she was having an open and honest conversation with her mentor (at least she believed it to be) and she came out. Well, this straight woman (as a side note she’s also a complete bitch) felt so compelled to do something she HAD to go to the manager of our department and DEMAND they create a safe and hostile free work zone. Uh…bitch, there was one until you opened your fat trap.
I’m sure many will completely disagree with what I’m saying or say I’m not being true to my gay self. To those of you that feel that way, my response is simple. I am me and this is who I am. I’m not changing because it conflicts with YOUR views of how I should live my life.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Why do some of those posts have celebs photos?
I recently attended out yearly “kick off” for our company and all were at the same hotel. I deleted my photo on Grindr and then logged on and sure enough I found 4 guys from my company with their green lights shining! And actually hooked with a guy from another office that I was crushing on for like 3 years………
Black Pegasus
So apparently, if you use the word R.A.C.I.S.T to call oit the actions of gay white men, your post will be flagged for moderation, thus thrown into the pit. The agenda on this website is quite clear, and my participation here will no longer be required.
jwtraveler
@AtticusBennett: @tdh1980: @Desert Boy: That’s good advice, but as Desert Boy points out, there are 29 states where gay people have no protection against anti-gay discrimination in the workplace. Unlike in New York and other gay-friendly states, there can be serious (and legal) consequences to coming out at work.
jwtraveler
@Black Pegasus: I have used that word to refer to third parties or to policies or organizations and I believe it has gotten past the censors. I think the concern is about avoiding personal attacks and maintaining civility. I’m not necessarily defending the policy, but it does have some merit. Of course there are many personal attacks on Queerty that do no involve buzzwords, so the censorship is somewhat selective.
tdh1980
@jwtraveler: Because I know that each person’s situation is different with respect to whatever risk may be involved, I was not advising anyone to do anything regarding exposing his or her sexual identity at work. I’m well aware that not everyone has the wherewithal — financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. — to take that step. How and ever, I do believe that none of us have to be out at work to stand against any -isms or phobias that make many work environments so unpleasant.
jockjack5
@Black Pegasus:
You wrote:
“So apparently, if you use the word R.A.C.I.S.T to call oit the actions of gay white men, your post will be flagged for moderation, thus thrown into the pit. The agenda on this website is quite clear, and my participation here will no longer be required.”
Why-O-why must certain black folks inject race into EVERYTHING!
Your comment above has nothing whatsoever to do with this particular thread.
I am beyond weary from all of the black-victimization cry babies in today’s society. They see the racial bogey-man behind every imaginable slight or perceived slight that may come their way.
Even your screen-name has a racial context.
john.k
@OptimusFine0518: I work in a firm of about 50 people (in Ireland – not the US). I’m out at work (bringing my boyfriend to the firm’s 30th anniversary dinner kind of gave it away). Mine is a management role. I don’t think I am treated in any way differently to my fellow workers. Whatever esteem I’m held in is down to my work not my sexuality. The big advantage of being out is that you can relax. You don’t have to worry that something you say or do will give you away. I also believe that if you are matter of fact about being gay your colleagues will be too.
MarionPaige
Anyone with a gay blog (or a blog that covers gay topics) can tell you just how many emails webmasters get from guys asking that their names be removed from websites even when the person’s name is only casually referenced in a news post.
We are living in a world where every dipsh-t with an IPhone is quick to google the name of some new guy in the workplace or somebody interviewing for a job. AND, a whole lot of people out there are convinced that if their names appear on a “gay” website it could hurt them.
“Being Out Never Had An Adverse Impact On My Career” – is something a guy 65 years old can say when he’s retired with a pension. If you’re not 65 and you still have to work for a living you don’t have standing to make grand conclusions at this point in time.
Blackceo
@jockjack5: @Black Pegasus:
Oh Black Pegasus I eagerly await your response to what jockjack5 said.
enlightenone
@Desert Boy: Excellent!!!!!!1
‘Whisper’
“It’s the 21st century.
Not living an authentic
life isn’t just tragic,
it’s unhealthy!”
GET A JOB THAT SUPPORTS YOU, not just a paycheck! It can be a matter of LIFE or death!
enlightenone
@jppatrick59: “…After a blind date with what turned out to be a relative of the General Manager and thus outed;”
Too bad you didn’t see this LITTLE prick coming for you and not in a good way!!!!
Anyway, can’t keep someone like you down for long.
jockjack5
@Blackceo:
Oh for chrissakes, give it a rest already.
Don’t you have a company to run?
Or are you just a make-believe CEO?
onthemark
@AtticusBennett: Easy for you to say. As you keep reminding us, you are employed as an actor (!) and a writer (!) in New York City (!!). So you know as much about this subject as an Eskimo knows about camels.
(excuse me… Inuit, eh?)
onthemark
@Captain Obvious: “The homophobia I get, but some of these are like middle school kids with their first crush.”
That puzzled me too. Some of those stories are funny, but they seem out of place here.
“Big whoop you can’t hit on random guys at work, you shouldn’t be hitting on anyone at work in the first place.”
shhhh… don’t tell the writers of “Looking”!
“And really there are plenty of places you can move to so that you won’t face homophobia in the work place.”
Yes. There seems to be some weird resistance to doing that nowadays, even by very young gay people who aren’t tied down by condos / relationships etc. I don’t get why this is, because not THAT long ago it seemed every gay person did it, that was just what everyone did.
NoCagada
How about going to work to…WORK.
kofender
So here’s my story, which happened almost seven years ago. I never hid my sexual orientation, but I didn’t make a big deal about it either (like a couple of other guys did). I kept my favorite picture of my partner and I (at his surprise 40th birthday bash on the top of the Empire State Building) on my desk. No big deal. But most people in the company just didn’t know because I didn’t tell them. Then my partner of 23 years passed away rather suddenly from previously-undiagnosed metastatic liver cancer (my boss, who enters the story soon, was trying at that moment to pull some strings to get him into Memorial Sloan Kettering, but it was too late). So he dies in my arms, and then things begin to happen. I email my boss to tell her what happened and where the wake was going to be. She then emails the entire company (and five affiliated companies for good measure). Though her intentions were for the best, she inadvertently outed me to a few hundred people in one fell swoop.
But it wasn’t for naught. The CEO got involved (in a good way—she’s an amazing person and I still adore her though I no longer work there). The outpouring of support in what was truly my very darkest hour ever was simply amazing (a lot of people from work showed up at the wake). My direct boss was incredibly helpful when I returned to work. So all in all, it wasn’t bad in the least.
jlfbman
Always stand up for yourself and the fantastic human being you are!! Why give your personal power away to some ahole you don’t even like. It’s 2015 not 50 years ago.
AtticusBennett
@tdx3fan: yeah but that’s to be expected from you. you’re pretty much a complete wimp.
Blackceo
@jockjack5:
First, please sit down. U made the comments and are getting huffy cuz I want Black Pegasus to respond?
Second, its called vacation. But even if I wasn’t on vacation, I don’t work 24 hours a day.
AtticusBennett
@onthemark: i’ve been openly gay since i was a teenager. i’ve been calling out homophobia since before i came out. that means, as a young teen.
so you can can it with the excuses. you’re a grown man. start acting like one.
onthemark
@AtticusBennett: What’s that have to do with anything?
Do you live in a state where you can be fired just for being gay? No.
Do you have an office job, like so many of the commenters here? No. Let alone the type of blue collar job where being out at work might be literally, physically dangerous.
WTF is your problem? You’re always stamping your feet and demanding that every gay person act exactly like you (i.e. exhibitionist), when you’re speaking from a safe position of extreme privilege.
Being out as an actor/writer in NYC is EASY. Are we supposed to congratulate you for taking the easy way out?
jlfbman
@onthemark: Do you have some issues to deal with? If you live in a state where you can be fired for being gay……MOVE…..or expose the bastards to national media. The point is…..don’t be a victim in any situation. As for your comments re AtticusBennett…..why attack another gay man who is living his life with his rules and standards??
onthemark
@AtticusBennett: I’m dubious about how much time you actually spend “calling out homophobia” as you put it, because you seem to spend 100% of your time bullying other gay people.
Yeah yeah yeah, we’ve heard your story. Childhood: apparently teased a bit, but never seriously bullied, physically assaulted or terrorized.
Your supportive “amazing” parents blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. (Geez, give your amazing father a bl0w job already and get it over with.)
That’s all great for you. We should all be so lucky. But it all gives you LESS reason, not more, to lecture other gay people for not being out enough, no matter their circumstances, about which you don’t know, or have ANY personal experience with, or any empathy or imagination about, because you just don’t give a sh*t.
onthemark
@jlfbman: As I say in my comment to “Captain Obvious” right above, I’m totally in favor of moving to a more congenial, gay-friendly place. And as I said, I wonder why this SEEMS (?) to be becoming less popular to do among young gay people. I did it myself when I was a very young adult, as soon as I could. (To NYC in fact – so in case anyone thinks I was dissing the place, I love it.)
Atticus was simply pontificating that everyone should come out at work, period. His first comment in this thread gave no indication he was even AWARE that you can be fired in 29 states just for being gay. Now, presumably, he knows and still doesn’t give a sh*t.
onthemark
@jlfbman: And although I’m personally in favor of it – why is moving the automatic solution to a WORK problem?
We didn’t apply that standard to marriage, did we?
“If you want to get married so bad, just move to Massachusetts.”
“All those whiners in California with Prop 8, screw them, they should just move to Iowa!”
No – I think that attitude wouldn’t have gone over well! The long-term fix, of course, is ENDA.
SFHandyman
Back in the 80s, I was a personal employee of a Conservative Republican Multi Millionaire. He was Jewish so he wasn’t like some of the hate filled tea partiers we have now. He was mainly motivated by low taxes.
I was openly gay. I sometimes would have to go into the offices of the company he owned to get contracts signed, deliver messages, or use the big copy machines or other big equipment we didn’t have in the Owner’s suite or houses.
No one was open in the company when I started working for the owner. After about a year one of the long term VPs came out and went from gloomy to giddy. He told me homophobic behavior and joking stopped in the company when I started working for the owner.
The grumpy President of the Company was always a sweetheart and chummy to me. I met him and his family socially once and realized maybe why he was super nice around me (I was really just a glorified clerk and the Pres knew that). His teenage son was almost certainly gay and I’m sure it made him feel better about his son when he saw I was liked, respected and trusted by his boss and mentor.
TL:dr Come out at work. It could help out some of your co-workers and possibly even make some become better parents to their gay kids.
technicolornina
I’m terrible at staying closeted, so most of my coworkers know I’m lesbian. (Not my personal choice of word, but, y’know. It is what it is, and what it is is “more familiar than the word I use with close friends”.) But it’s never been like “HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I’M GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG FAT LADY-LOVIN’ DYYYYYYKE OVER HERE!” It’s stuff like everybody talking about cute boys at school and asking my opinion and I’ll shrug and say “you’re asking the wrong person” and, if pressed (and you’d be amazed how often this happens), “the hottest person I ever saw was a woman in my old acting troupe who looked a little bit like Rita Hayworth. You’re really asking the wrong person.” Responses have varied from innocuous to ludicrous, tending more and more to the former as the years go by. My favorite is from 2008 and is as follows: “Wait, you’re–you’re a LESBIAN? But–you look so PROFESSIONAL, you never wear flannel or anything.” (This is funnier if you realize the company dress code was “business casual.” When exactly was I supposed to wear flannel?)
But yes, it has garnered me different treatment over the years, as well–from being told that I’d have to “take back” a casual comment about Natalie Portman to getting fired to one of my current managers saying she’d have to be careful to never call me “honey” or people might get the wrong idea. (I told her she’s married with two kids, almost old enough to be my mom, and if people read a wrong idea into that, they didn’t know her OR me very well.) So come out only if, and when, you feel safe; and don’t let anyone bully you into doing so.
AtticusBennett
@OptimusFine0518: you’re more than free to make as many wimpy cowardly self-serving choices as you like, in life. you can give every pathetic excuse you like. you’re free to do that. just understand that you will be seen as the coward that you are. you’re fine with being a coward, so it’s ok.
OptimusFine0518
@AtticusBennett, you’ve successfully personified the reason why I have never posted. Your catty, bitchy and narrow minded view of the world is exactly why you will never understand not every gay man can live your carefree and openly gay existence. I appreciate the name calling. I would expect nothing less.
onthemark
@OptimusFine0518: Oh, don’t mind him – Atticus has never had a real job, as you’ve probably figured out.
I’ve re-read your post but am a little puzzled by it. I get that you probably dislike all the personal chattering & jibber-jabber of office jobs. You wish everyone would just shut up and work (for a change), I’m guessing? Don’t know how old you are, but after you get to about 28 – 30 or so everyone will assume you’re gay anyway (or already does), that’s just the way it goes. So you shouldn’t worry about it.
OptimusFine0518
Lol yea I kind of figured that out about Atticus. As for my age, I’m soon to be 39 and whether or not people know I am (I don’t hide it but at the same time I also don’t flaunt it in people’s faces either) doesn’t bother me. It’s this assumption by many in the gay community that you MUST come out and be loud and proud or you’re not a “real” gay. Sorry but to quote a phrase from the 90s, “Homey don’t play that.”
Elloreigh
I’m out at work, as in I have my partner’s picture on my desk, and I don’t shy away from mentioning him in casual conversation, the way others do their own spouses. In other words, I treat it as something normal & everyday, not something to make a big deal about, and not something to hide. A balanced approach, in my view.
But my boss recently retired and I’m not looking forward to breaking in a new one, as she and I grew into a friendship over the years. Now I’m worried about what I’m in for with her yet-to-be-chosen replacement.
I think it’s true for many gay people that we not only have the usual new boss worries, but another layer of wondering whether being gay in and of itself is going to hurt us at work when a new regime takes over.
It’s not like I can take it all back and return to the closet. Even if I were to hide it from the new boss, I have zero control over the possibility that a co-worker might out me to him/her, even inadvertently. I’m also not an outgoing person by nature, so I will have to resist the temptation to construct an impenetrable wall around myself, metaphorically speaking, and seeming like a robot with no personality.