Each week, Queerty picks one blowhard, hypocrite, airhead, sanctimonious prick or other enemy of all that is queer to be the Douche of the Week. Have a nominee for DOTW? E-mail it to us at [email protected].
For our current Douche of the Week we looked to North Carolina, where Reverend Johnny Hunter has jumped into the state’s marriage-equality battle. Next week representatives will decide whether to add a ballot amendment banning same-sex marriage and domestic unions in the Tar Heel State. The “right” reverend showed up to a press conference organized by House Speaker Dale Folwell (R) to explain just why such a law is so important.
In the above clip, J-Hun explaining why gay marriage can never become a reality (at about 0:55). He stands at the lectern explaining that, “the anatomy is not right for a homosexual to even consummate a marriage. What it takes to consummate a marriage is a lock and a key.” Then he actually inserts a key into a lock, for those who miss the sexual metaphor.
We appreciated his illustration of heterosexual vaginal sex—not since Gloria Allred’s demonstration of anal sex with a baseball bat have we enjoyed such an inspired explanation of human intercourse—but boiling down marriage to fornication is grossly wrongheaded. Of course, Hunter probably also preaches against premarital sex, so it’s not surprising he considers weddings to be not about the vows, but the honeymoon.
How about we take this to the next level?
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It does make us wonder, though: Does that mean Hunter believes straight men and women who can’t have sex due to a medical condition marry either? Or if the spark goes out of your marriage you should file for divorce?
Hunter joins the likes of Senator James Forrester (R-NC), lead sponsor of the state’s marriage ban and a medical doctor who says that he truly feels for his homosexual patients because he knows they’re gonna die at least 20 years earlier than everyone else. (What compassion!)
And with his insightful marital analogy, Hunter also joins the likes of Rick Santorum, who infamously compared gay marriage to both a napkin and a beer, and traditional marriage to paper towels and water.
All together now: What a bunch of douches!
Video via Think Progress
Stupid
If you make it past the douche, you get to Rep. Grier Martin, who can key my padlock any time he likes!
Jim Hlavac
Hmm, last I looked we were rather able to poke keys into locks, too. Ours opens our hearts just as much as theirs, don’t you know. But it’s ironic that the chief complaint about us by men such as these is precisely that we insert keys into locks and open our hearts and minds to each other; they just want us to go to the Big Hetero Lock Company and buy BibleLock brand, and not let us buy the brand of our choice at the Big Gay Lock Store.
Perhaps next time, though, he should bring a can of gasoline and a match, and show me how he lights the world on fire through his beliefs that only hetero sex will brighten his day.
Guillermo3
Rev. Hunter,Santorum,Perry,both Bachmanns:These [and too may other clowns] are contributing to the dire economic situation:They’re taking bread out of satirists’ mouths & stealing their work.
Hyhybt
Fornication specifically refers to sex outside of marriage.
Chancery
Well North Carolina is the douchiest state there is. Nobody good comes out of there.
Jim Hlavac
@Chancery: I always find it weird how someone can just dismiss an entire state, as “no good.” And why is every state considered by at least someone to be the “douchiest” state, ergo making all 50 the “douchiest”? Was there a contest I missed.
But I shall speak to my aunt, uncle and a few cousins about whether “nobody good comes out of there.”
Chancery
@Jim Hlavac: Your family might be nice enough people but…as for lasting famous impressions………John Edwards….Mike Nifong…Jesse Helms…Bishop Eddie Long…
Opheliac
inb4 some annoying racist comment.
jazz
I am not homophobic, but speaking objectively, i think the rev was speaking about natural order. The human anatomy has mechanisms that complement each other if they are meant to work together. The fact that an anus does not lubricate naturaly is evidence enough that it was not designed ( by nature ot God ) for a sexual indulgance. The key problem with every argument, especialy this one, is not what is right or wrong, but what interests each side of the argument servce. The intensity and extent of every level of human desire is protected by a tendancy to become defensive about that view. Furthermore the natural design of man is to want to service whatever impulse arises, whether right or wrong. And just because homosexuals want to service their desires, it does not make homosexuality right. It just means it serves the interests of those that are attracted to the same sex. So we do not expect that any argument against it, whether scientific, religious,moral or philosophical, will prevail, because the natural man is guided by desire
jazz debeer
by the way hiv is more prevalent in gay men than any other group. By the way in the USA, it is estimated that nearly 255,000 men who have sex with men were living with HIV/AIDS in 2007, and nearly 5,400 had died. Around 48% of all people diagnosed with AIDS in America in 2007 were probably exposed to HIV through male-to-male sexual contact.1 In the UK, by the end of June 2009, around 45,947 diagnoses of HIV had been in men who had probably become infected through sex with another man. 53% of these men were aged below 35
Akula
oh jazz debeer yes this is probably true but how kind of you to leave out the fact that Africa has one of the highest rates of HIV/AIDS in the world, in 2009 alone an estimated 1.3 MILLION people died of AIDS and the majority (95%) were str8.
jazz debeer
I love the point that you make Akula. In Latin America over 65% of HIV infections are passed on via homosexual sex.Now the point you make about africa is very relevant. There is only one problem, the data coming from africa is mostly raw and there is very little known about how many new new hiv infections are gay related. however scientific data does point the fact that the chances of getting HIv amongs gay couples is much much higher. Another thing you must be aware of is this. Statisticaly thances of getting higher in the third world a higher than they are elsewhere, because of a number of factors. But should the homosexual agenda prevail in africa for example, the statistic youhave just quoted will become much more adverse. Homosexuality is infact a health hazard. It is proven by over 150 jjournals and studies globaly. look it up
Jim Hlavac
@jazz debeer: Death during childbirth is more prevalent among heterosexual women, near 100%. Wife beating and children killing are more prevalent among heterosexual couples, virtually all of it. Spouse murdering is committed near 100% by heterosexuals. Abortion and abandoned children are caused nearly 100% by heterosexual conduct. Bar brawls, shopping mall shoot ’em ups, school killings and birthday party stabbings are nearly 100% committed by heterosexuals. 99% of all child molesting cases are done by hetero men against young girls. 100% of teen pregnancy, and its attendant societal cost, is the result of heterosexual activity. You heteros are dangerous and costly to society, what with you wanton attacks upon your own families and the trail of ill begotten children come behind the whoring. That we have to have safe houses for battered wives speaks ill volumes about your kind. Not to mention that 100% of fag bashing is committed by heteros. You people are crazed violent lunatics.
We only make up 48% of HIV, and we’re a declining number at that, as more heterosexuals get it, and more young gay couples form and never stray outside their relationships; and the first waves of gay men with HIV start dying off after years now on meds.
But dude, there is nothing inherent in gayness that leads to HIV, of which the fact that prior to 1980 not one gay person in 5,000 years of human history ever got it proves. Now we’re taking steps to quell the rise of this thing which arose perhaps because heterosexuals ate monkey brains and turned Simian HIV to Human HIV and then some crazed hetero raped a gay guy while his wife was pregnant. And thank your lucky stars that HIV propelled so much research into the immune system that dozens of new drugs and therapies have been found for dozens of diseases and conditions, saving millions of lives, and perhaps your own. Thank gay men for that little bit of science, eh?
And oh yah, have a pleasant day.
the crustybastard
@jazz: The fact that an anus does not lubricate naturaly is evidence enough that it was not designed ( by nature ot God ) for a sexual indulgance. [sic]
Did the anatomy and physiology class conflict with your bible study?
Mucous is the body’s lubrication, produced by goblet cells. The small intestine does indeed have oodles of goblet cells and thus a naturally occurring mucous layer. Ergo, the anus is indeed naturally self-lubricating.
However, taking your point — by nature or God’s design — hands are located right next to both boy and girl jibblies, but hands don’t lubricate themselves. Are masturbation and handjobs also “unnatural,” and therefore immoral, and therefore a valid basis upon which a person should be discriminated against by their government?
Seriously, do you think it is sensible to permanently bar masturbators from marriage or other civil rights on the basis that hands don’t self-lubricate? Because that’s precisely what you’re arguing.
Try this experiment: visit any popular heterosexual porn site (try youporn — it’s free), and report back how much of that hetero sex your or “Reverend” Hunter would approve of as natural and healthy. For myself, I don’t approve of groups of men sexually degrading women, but even so, I still say the manner in which adults consensually and non-commercially pleasure themselves in private is a MEANINGLESS BASIS upon which to deny those people equal rights and equal protection under the law.
Evidently you think it’s a reasonable basis but only to the extent that it applies exclusively to gay people; therefore, OF COURSE YOU’RE A HOMOPHOBE, moron.
(Also, you gave it away by invoking the ineffably stupid and utterly imaginary “homosexual agenda.”)
the crustybastard
@the crustybastard:
CORRECTION: Said “small intestine,” meant “colon.”
Gii
@jazz debeer: “In the UK, by the end of June 2009, around 45,947 diagnoses of HIV had been in men who had probably become infected through sex with another man. 53% of these men were aged below 35”
Perhaps true, but you failed to point out that, regardless of that number, HIV infections acquired through heterosexual sex account for the largest number of diagnoses within the UK.
Funny how you missed that out…
Chancery
@Jim Hlavac: …homophobe Victoria Peterson…”gay-bashing”-fraudster Quinn Matney…..gay icon felon Crystal Mangum…
Lovings Webmistress
@jazz debeer: So, let me get this… straight. You’re saying that we as a society should prevent gay people from forming long-lasting, presumably monogam(ish) unions because they’re promiscuously “spreading AIDS” amongst themselves??
The only universe in which this makes even remote sense is the one in which homosexuality is supposed to be punished with pain, disease and death. In any other, people would welcome anything that curbs that promiscuity everyone seems to have such a problem with (for the record I don’t, as long as done in a safe(r) way).
This entire issue is about punishing the sinners, not common sense or common good – as is much of Republican/Political Xtian agenda.
Cayenne
@Lovings Webmistress: But jazz debeer is a Democrat.
Chris Bull
me thinks “J-Hun” is simply upset that gay men posses both the lock and the key, making the honeymoon double the fun.
Ian Awesome
Gay marriage is totally beer, which is why I like it.