If you’re a gay publication, there are two guarantees in life: One is that you will spend most of May trying to come up with some clever spin on the Gay Pride story, and the second is that, come December, you will do a feature on gay calendars. We don’t know what it is, but it’s like clockwork.
Do you have a calendar at home? Many we know do. In fact, we’re always excited whenever we go over to someone’s house to, um, visit, and see a calendar with a hunky guy posted proudly in the kitchen. Our roommate had one in college and the day we moved in, we went in for a closer inspection of the guy and noticed on the calendar proper that Friday’s box was printed “Stop Doing Drugs”, but Saturday was listed simply as “Roxy”. True story!
Gay calendars are the sort of porn you can give your friends without looking like a pervert and, thus, a perfect and always much appreciated Christmas present. Here are the best of 2009:
Dieux de Stade
How many calendars also have their own making-of DVD? One. Meaning “Gods of the Stadium”, Dieux is the undisputed king of the arty male erotic calendar. Featuring players from the French rugby team Stade FranÃ§ais, as well as other Euro athletes, the calendar is tasteful, muscly and about as butch as a calendar full of naked dudes can be.
Who it’s for: A pretty safe everyman pick. The biggest problem with getting someone a Dieux de Stade album is that they probably own it already.
If you’re going to have a gay calendar, you might as well make it trashy. That’s the philosophy behind the Rentboy calendar, which features 12 months of trade in glorious, glossy color. The upshot is that the calendar is also a catalog!
Who it’s for: Johns and folks who appreciate the sleazier side of life.
Provocateur: 2009 Bedtime Stories
The makers of a variety of gay calendars, our favorite is the sort of goofy-cute “Bedtime Stories”, which features a bunch of cute naked guys roaming around in sheets. It’s promise that “You’d think you were dreaming as each striking image after the next captures the moments you wish could last forever” may be one cliche in a row too many, but hey, the guys are cute.
Who it’s for: We’re thinking romantics who want to get laid but always wake up in the morning thinking maybe this guy could be the love of their life. In short, your Queerty editor.
Provocateur: Women 2009
It’s actually really easy for lesbians to find calendars of hot naked chicks, but finding an honest-to-goodness Sapphic calendar is a bit tricky. Fortunately, Provocateur offers up plenty of lovely black and white photos of the ladies who munch.
Who it’s for: We’re betting you can figure this one out on your own.
Ever dreamed of being on a tropical island with really hot guys who feed you plantains and entice you to skinny dip in verdant pools beside tranquil waterfalls. We actually did this for a whole year in 2003, but after one of our pals was bit by a shark and the nearby druglords threatened to kill us, the whole idea lost its charm. Oh wait– that’s the plot of The Beach. Nevermind.
Who it’s for: Escapists, Lost fans, Clevelanders.
New York City Firefighters
Have some eye candy and donate to a good cause with the NYFD’s annual calendar. Not only are the guys hot, they are actual real life heroes who save the lives of people every day. If that’s not a turn-on, I don’t know what is.
Who it’s for: New Yorkers, patriots, your straight female co-worker.
Colt Hairy Chested
There are plenty of calendars catering to bears and the men who love them, but our favorite is Colt’s Hairy Chested Calendar. It comes with a free poster and lots of hairy-as-advertised chests. This may seem pretty surprising, but the design aesthetic of the Colt calendars is by far the most sophisticated you can find from any porn producer, which is probably not something bears worry about, but will appreciate.
Who it’s for: Morning Goods Monkeys
Playgirl may be dead as a print publication, a victim of the economic end times, but at least, for the moment, its calendar lives on. Given a choice of calendars, Playgirl seems like a pretty uninventive one, but it has brand recognition and perhaps a touch of ironic cachet as well as the requisite hot guys.
Who it’s for: Your mother.