Richard Simmons Needs Help

A preemptive apology. You kids weren’t so keen on our last Richard Simmons-related posting, so we know we’re going into hostile territory. The situation, however, is very serious. All those years of jazzercise and short shorts short-circuited his imagination, so he can’t think of a Halloween costume. It’s all very tragic.

But, there’s hope! People just like you can submit suggestions for Simmons’ All Hallow’s Eve costume. Pretty On The Outside suggested a synthesized super hero. Clever, but we’re not sure we can dig that. We are, after all, thinking along frightful lines.

If you ask us, Simmons should go as a Baby Jesus Butt Plug (see below). It’s got three benefits. One, it’s original. Two, people will be scared shitless. (The idea of sticking baby Jesus up one’s bum definitely qualifies as horrific.) Three: the Christian conservative would go absolutely, fantastically, fanatically nuts. Everyone wins!

BTW: this butt plug doesn’t even look like Baby Jesus. It just looks like a baby. This thing looks like a vagina with a face.