By now, news that Tom Hardy would headline the Elton John biopic, Rocketman, has shot through the gay world like a, well, rocket. Hardy’s casting is inspired, and not just because of the actor’s chameleon-like ability to transform himself physically with each new role. It makes sense because, while John once sang a song called “I Can’t Tell the Bottom from the Top,” Hardy most certainly can.
In his youth, Hardy entertained dalliances with other boys. Today, the flexual actor, who’s engaged to actress Charlotte Riley, says that he has lost his desire to be with men. That might change, now that Hardy is set to play one of the gayest forces in the universe. And if he decides to wade back into the man pool as he prepares for Rocketman, we volunteer to help him research the role. Because we care about art.
We’ll let Hardy sit on our offer for a bit, and in the meantime, here are some people we’d like to see join him in Rocketman.
Matt Damon as David Furnish
This summer, Furnish showed off a surprisingly beefy physique while on vacation in France. And that got us wondering what sex between John and Furnish looks like. The more we thought about it, the more we realized we’ve already seen it. Matt Damon did a remarkable job topping a wrinkly music icon in Behind the Candelabra. We think it would be a sin to let those hard-earned talents go to waste.
Daniel Radcliffe as Bernie Taupin
When Taupin was 16 — in 1967 — he responded to a newspaper ad looking for songwriters. As a result, he was paired with John, who also responded to the ad, and the two have been writing hits together ever since. Although Taupin has married a bunch of women, his longest relationship is with John. They’ve been platonic life partners of nearly 50 years, and that means the role of Taupin must be filled by an actor who can age convincingly and convey a certain level of intimacy with another man. Enter Radcliffe, who has grown from the boy wizard in the Harry Potter films into a very mature leading man over the past few years, who’s also not above some man-loving.
Mamie Gummer as Princess Diana
John and Di were the original Jack and Karen. After Diana got killed by the royal family died in a car crash in 1997, John rewrote “Candle in the Wind” in her honor and performed it at her funeral. We’re giving this one to Gummer, who — as the oldest daughter of the Almighty Meryl Streep — is Hollywood royalty. The fact that she has quietly owned every TV show she’s been on in the past few years indicates that Gummer is poised to break out in a big way. So why not let her run around in a few Catherine Walker gowns, die in the back of a Mercedes and collect her inevitable Oscar?
Alaska Thunderfuck as Lady Gaga
Gaga is the fairy godmother to John and Furnish’s oldest son, Zachary. As Gaga—who’s played with androgyny in the past—is not your typical pop star, we thought her casting should be similarly unconventional. That’s why we picked Alaska—née Justin Andrew Honard — who was the runner up on the fifth season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Honard proved that he has serious acting skills on Drag Race, and let’s be honest, when he beats that face and puts on some good hair, queen looks more than a little like Mother Monster.
Lady Gaga as Madonna
John and Madge have a very public love-hate-despise relationship. That’s why Gaga’s casting would make perfect sense. The young pop star has long been criticized for ripping off her predecessors, and her performance almost certainly would piss off Madonna. And really, wouldn’t you just die to hear Madonna call Gaga “reductive” again? And again. And again.
Taylor Swift as Linda Woodrow and Renee Zellweger as Renate Blauel
When we asked ourselves, “Who could play the women who believed that Elton John was straight,” two names immediately came to mind: Swift and Zellweger, both of whom have dated their share of “straight” celebrities.
In the 1960s—back when John went by his birth name, Reg Dwight—the singer was engaged to marry the then-25 year-old Woodrow. He even allegedly lost his girl virginity to her. But as their wedding drew near, John grew increasingly depressed and contemplated suicide. He broke off the engagement and wrote “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” about the experience. We think Swift would be a natural fit for Woodrow. Think about it: Swift has been scorned by maaaannnny heterosexual men. And every time we hear one of her terrible break-up songs, we want to kill ourselves.
In 1984, John actually married Blauel, a German music engineer. The marriage ended in 1988, when John confirmed what everyone except for Blauel already knew — he was one Dorothy who couldn’t really say goodbye to the yellow brick road. We think Zellweger was born to play Blauel. In an art-imitating-life twist, when Zellweger filed for divorce from heterosexual country singer Kenny Chesney in 2005, she cited fraud as the reason.
Have your own ideas for who should play whom? Sound off in the comments!