“I feel like I’m letting out a long breath that I’ve held in for a long time,” Rugby League star Keegan Hirst told the Sunday Mirror, putting an end to a lifetime spent hiding from his true self.
The 27-year-old has become one of the first in his sport to come out, but more importantly, he’s also opened up about his struggle with fulfilling cultural expectations of masculinity.
Sports fan or not, there’s a lesson there for everyone.
Related: Australian Rugby Star Takes A Mid-Game Stand Against Homophobia
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“At first I couldn’t even say ‘I’m gay’ in my head, let alone out loud,” he said. “I had a wife and kids. I’ve been a builder, doorman, worked in factories – I play rugby. I tick every macho box. How could I be gay? I’m from Batley for goodness sake. No one is gay in Batley.”
Clearly, someone was gay in Batley, and we’re guessing it wasn’t just Hirst. Hopefully his story will inspire others to realize they aren’t alone.
“The only time I felt free of the torment was when I stepped on the rugby pitch,” he admitted, adding “Now I feel free.”
Of course, its not a purely joyous event — his wife also just discovered his sexuality a few weeks ago, and the two are now in the midst of a separation.
Related: High School Jock Comes Out By Slow Dancing With The Homecoming King
“I went to her and asked if I could have a word. My stomach was in knots. We sat at the kitchen table and I said, ‘There’s something I need to tell you’.
“I couldn’t get the words out, I felt like I was going to be sick. But I managed to say it.
“She didn’t say anything at first. I explained why and how I felt, it was very emotional. We were both in tears.
“She didn’t ask a lot of questions, but she was supportive. She was totally blind-sided. She’d had
absolutely no idea.
“It was incredibly tough, but for me it was a weird situation because it also felt liberating.
And while Hirst says she’s remained supportive, the pain will need time to heal.
“She blamed herself when we separated but I knew she’d done nothing wrong. I couldn’t bear it any more, the guilt of it all, of her not knowing why I left. It was eating me up.”
The next hurdle will be telling the kids.
“We haven’t told the kids yet, they’re too young to understand. I’m not sure how I’d explain it.”
Related: Coming Out To Your Parents Can Be Tough, But What About Coming Out To Your Kids?
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
AAAY OOOP OUR KID! (or is that Lancashire?)
Bernard Galeano
Feel bad for the wife, but glad that he came out
Josh447
Wow so fortunate to have an understanding wife who supports him.
Very proud of this guy. It sounds like one heart wrenching story. Adding loss of kids and marriage to possible career loss and financial ruin, that’s alot. Congrats man. You have some serious valor ticking inside you.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Of all the pictures out there why did you use unflattering second one? Is it cuz he’s masc? I only ask because of the way you deliberately chose to highlight that out-of-context (insecure)fem-triggering quote. Queerty being Queerty.
Luis H. Lopez
Just play and beat the heterosexual guys !!!
Dennis Maloney Jr.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Their are bigger problems to deal with.
BigG
I feel bad for the wife that she wasted all those years on man who was lying to her the entire time. it’s one thing to have an affair, it’s another thing to completely live a lie and bring children into it and waste years of a woman’s life. I’m sorry I think that’s unforgivable. she could have spent those years with somebody who actually was 100% heterosexual
Xzamilio
I support his decision wholeheartedly, but I would not blame her one bit if she feels resentment towards him. Society withstanding, she didn’t know she was with a gay man. Just more reasons why I cannot stand those in the “Ex-gay movement” and the evangelicals clinging to their lies to further fuel the false narrative of homosexuality being a choice. IF you think its a choice, you’re gay or bi… end of story. You made the choice.
Kieran Schreiber
He can tick my box any day.
Gerrie Smith
Blessings !!! hugs
Matt1961
The wife does need some support, and hopefully they can be both active parents in the children’s lives. I was married for 22 years before I came out to my wife and 3 adult kids. My kids and I have the most amazing relationship. My ex, while initially supportive, couldn’t wait to tell all of our close friends how I must have cheated on her for years up to coming out, which wasn’t true. It’s taken me nearly 5 years to repair some of those relationships, some will be gone forever simply because I’m gay… Our divorce was then less than amicable and it was fueled by her vengeful parents. Sad really, I wanted to have a good relationship with her so we could both remain close to our children. As it turns out, my kids spend 99% of their time with me, or around me, and occasionally meet with their mother for a lunch or some quaint short visit.
Tony Chaplinski
I bet you didn’t choose to, must have been born gay
Stephen Mole
‘Haven’t told te kids yet’. Told the press though.
SportGuy
Glad that he decided to be honest with himself. He is super sexy!
Chris Tan
Whenever I read news about married gay men coming out from the closet, it just makes me feel that we are living in such a repressive society where gay men can really supress their sexuality and deny who they truly are. Even though I do not know these gay men personally, I simply do not find their personality traits appealing!
AtticusBennett
because ‘macho’ means nothing. note that his own idea of “masculinity” did not contain integrity, honesty, bravery, courage, and standing up in defiance against bullying and prejudice.
it’s that weird thing where guys convince themselves that they can still call themselves “masculine” while cowering and hiding.
helpful hint – if you’re not “OUT”, you’re not “masculine”
gaym50ish
Given the social climate that existed for most of our lives, why do such stories surprise anyone — and why condemn someone for trying to have a “normal” (straight) married life with kids? The man wasn’t “lying” to his wife — he just couldn’t come to grips with his own sexuality. If you think that everyone does that in puberty, you are mistaken. It may take some guys years or decades, depending their religion or upbringing, to admit to themselves that they’re gay.
According to statistics from the Family Pride Coalition, 20 percent of all gay men in the country are in heterosexual marriages and 50 percent of all gay men have fathered children. Forty percent of all lesbians are married to a man, and 75 percent of all lesbians have children. Deborah Moskovitch, author of “The Smart Divorce,” estimates that 2 million gay men and women in America have married someone of the opposite sex.
In more homophobic countries, it’s even more common. Professor Zhang Bei-chuan at Qingdao University in China says there may be as many as 16 million women on the Chinese mainland who are married to homosexual men. He says that it’s due to traditional family values in China that about 90 per cent of homosexual men are pressured to conform and get married.
scotshot
@AtticusBennett: How nice you show so much empathy and understanding. I guess you believe everyone’s had an easy go of being gay as you have and as such you can sit in judgment of others. Get over yourself.
Chris
My congrats to him for finally throwing off the delusions and for growing a couple of stones to tell his wife. And props to the wife for being as understanding as she seems to be.
Now, it is time for them and their children to reassemble their lives in ways that respect one another, that support her financially until she gets back on her feet, that allows them to co-parent meaningfully based on what is best for the children (even if that means they live with him), and that provides them with an opportunity to find whatever happiness this world might have for them.
My best to them.
Dinodogstar
I don’t know where “Batley” is, or which country has this “Rugby League”. Is he in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Scotland, or what? Did I miss the geographical fact of the story? I’m very happy this was covered and reported, but adding in a location would satisfy the ‘Where’ question that most news stories require.
scotshot
@Dinodogstar: Try Googling it yourself. It’s easy.
Dinodogstar
@Stephen Mole: like
jason smeds
In my opinion, he’s simply a man who can swing both ways, not necessarily to the same extents but nevertheless both ways.
I wonder if calling himself “gay” is his way of protecting his wife. Keep in mind that the idea that a man finds men more attractive than women is extremely hurtful to women. Calling himself “gay” might be a way of reducing the severity of rejection.
Clark35
@scotshot: Just ignore him he’s a troll. I do find it odd that this guy was that in denial of his sexuality but I know older gay men who did this decades ago.
scotshot
@Clark35: I see him all the time, he’s building clicks for his website – the new Dan Savage. lol. I think his denial given the sport is pretty indicative of that mindset.
scotshot
@jason smeds: Please stop trying to think Jason. It always gets you in trouble.
Russell Mccullough
Awesome.
BigG
@Matt1961:
Its not because your gay its because you wasted 22 years of marriage to a woman. Pure deception and lies. She can never get that 22 years back because you couldn’t be who you were.
BigG
These guys might be macho and physically strong, but mentally they are cowards and weak minded. that’s not sexy. I’ll take a feminine gay man who is himself, loves himself and doesn’t give a crap what anybody thinks over one of these closet gays who is scared 24/7 to be who he really is.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
It’s sad that fems should get (mis)represented on this site by the insecure, finger-pointy, hysterical ones.
jamih
Reading some of the comments here I must say I understand the guy perfectly; who the hell would want to identify with this screaming crowd of minchers? Anyway kudos for the guy for coming out and good luck for him both in life and his rugby career.
Homo Erectus
@AtticusBennett: “Courage,” yeah right – maybe he’ll come out enough to spend all his time bullying gay men online, with a phony name, like you do.
AtticusBennett
@scotshot: define “had it easy” – i was called out as the neighbourhood faggot by the third grade.
@Homo Erectus: “phony name”, “Homo Erectus”?
well, you know, if you click my name you can see my blog where i put a face and name to my writings and experiences.
here’s one:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dad-says-youre-fag-hesaid/
there’s my story. you can read how “easy” i had it.
i’m not knocking the guy. i’m glad he came out. but i’ll stand by what i said – it’s AMAZING how many guys tout their own “masculinity”, and yet their definition of masculinity does not include being brave, defying prejudice and bigotry, and having the courage to face bigotry head on.
we need a radical rethinking of “macho” culture – after all, if all your posturing and “macho” imagery doesn’t enable to you truly be HONEST WITH YOURSELF then what use is it?
i think it’s GREAT that he’s out. i think it’s great that he’s finally allowing himself to start finding out who he really is.
“MACHO” means nothing. “MACHO” is just posturing.
quite frankly, how many more gay athletes have to come out until closeted gay men stop using “i didn’t think i was gay cuz i like sports” as some justified excuse?
scotshot
@AtticusBennett: I was called out at an even earlier age.
I’m referring to white privilege, plus the fact that your parents are supportive to the point that they’ve been in your videos. Many have parents who no longer have any association with them.
The fact that you’re hyper-critical and judgmental of him is the main point fob the comment.
Will Moor
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: I don’t think he said anything wrong, because he was stating his genuine experience and a lot of that came from those around him. It was kind of how he was taught to see the situation. Now he can be himself, get to know his LGBT brothers and sisters and get a better perspective. I hold no grudge.
Kangol
Good for him.
Meanwhile, a single, black latino gay American Major League Baseball minor league player named David Denson came out several days ago. He is not married to a woman. He is American. Why is there no mention on Queerty? Just wondering.
Homo Erectus
@AtticusBennett: Thanks for missing the point in such a totally predictable way.
“My reply to him, delivered without rancor”… Well that’s just it. You have plenty of “rancor” online when you’re being a nasty vicious bully to other gay men, online. But it’s interesting that you’re capable of acting civilized in real life (or claim to).
You always brag about how you confront bigotry, etc. but what bigotry do you “confront,” exactly? You seem to spend an inordinate lot of time online, bullying gay men. Because it’s easy? Because you’re a sadist? Why?
“i think it’s GREAT that he’s out. i think it’s great that he’s finally allowing himself to start finding out who he really is.” …etc. I certainly don’t disagree. But notice that you’re being a lot nicer to him, in the abstract, than you tend to be to the typical gay commenter here.
Homo Erectus
@Kangol: Good point! Queerty really dropped the ball on the David Denson story.
GTT
Atticus is right. The guy seems like he is trying a little too hard to “fit in” with his peer group. A sign of weakness – not strength.
jamih
@GTT: Judging the guy based on a sketchy article on Queerty – A sign of total gay idiotism or maybe just gay americanism dunno.
GTT
jamih,
I watched his video – he seems to have a veneer of masculinity [as he obviously defines it]. Not saying that it is true or not – but it appears that way.
Straight guys do this as well. Maybe he would do it if he were straight also – or maybe he is doing it b/c he is gay and it is/has been a cover. I don’t know. But it does not seem authentic – that is all I meant.
It just seems too extreme.
jamih
Well ok, that cleared it up; neurotic gay american idiotism it is.
GTT
jamih,
Look – a meathead is a meathead – gay or straight. Let’s not trip all over ourselves worshiping him [I don’t think he will be finding a cure for cancer soon] or congratulating him for doing what others have done years ago when it was much more difficult.
Good for him though. I hope his [ex[]wife is ok.
jamih
@GTT: I’m not worshiping him but lot of people here you included seem to have problem with him, based on nothing but a sketchy article and a video. And like usual a lot of that hate is disguised in very predictable hypocrisy.
Homo Erectus
@scotshot: “Many have parents who no longer have any association with them.”
Atticus blames the victim in such cases.
Homo Erectus
@Dinodogstar: Batley is in Yorkshire in northern England. Yeah, I looked it up. Yeah, Queerty could have easily tossed that in!
GTT
jamih,
I don’t hate him. He is being held up as some kind of hero and when I listened to him I just did not find him impressive. Maybe I should not have said anything.
jamih
@GTT: When a major league pro athlete comes out it’s made into a big deal, there’s no way around it, it’s not his fault. This is why they usually avoid it, come out when they are retiring like Gareth Thomas or not at all.
The guy is the first to come out during his career in Britain so like him or not he is a front runner.
AtticusBennett
@scotshot: i’m not critical of “him” – but of this weird culture where people define masculinity only by exterior qualities. not intangibles. “I’m mac because i play sports and have muscles!” , great, and you also lie about your lives and pretend you’re not gay because you can’t stand up to homophobic bigots like those Other Visible Gays.
and again – how many more athletes have to come out before gay men will stop saying “I can’t come out because i like sports and play sports and people think that gays don’t blah blah blah”?
but truly – macho. masculine. why are these things used to describe outside qualities and not INNER ones?
AtticusBennett
@Homo Erectus: i never have, actually. but hey, if you’re one of those wimpy anonymous trolls that needs to make up s**t about me because you can’t actually SHOW anything YOU have ever done, well have at it.
i share what i share, in the public way i do it, because i’m AWARE of my privilege. i blog, and i include my family, because i have the privilege to be able to do so.
with the life that i have, it would be a waste to be invisible.
NJjoe
A toast to you Keegan in feeling free. I feels great doesn’t it? Side note- You are quite a hottie!
notevenwrong
@Dan Tracer, is he really the first Rugby player to come out? Gareth Thomas came out years ago, I think.
Homo Erectus
@AtticusBennett: Thanks for proving my point, as I knew you would. Yeah, yeah, we all get it. Your parents raised you to be a nasty bully who only picks on gay people.
Zenguy
@BigG:
@gaym50ish:
Thank you for being a voice of reason. Some people have a short-minded perspective, and are quick to judge someone as deceptive, with nefarious intentions by having a straight marriage, then coming to terms with their homosexuality. It’s a sensitive, personal subject, and nothing is black and white.
This guy handled it in a respectful manner, talking to his wife about it.
You articulated the matter perfectly!