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RuPaul Drag Race Recap: The Fur Flies at The Bitch Ball

 

Let’s face it: the only one who gained something last week was Phi Phi O’Hara: While homegirl walked away with a free trip to Las Vegas, the rest of us had to sit through a non-episode where Kenya Michaels came and went faster than you can say “La Tranzzzz-Pear.” Please. Let’s get down the business.

And by business, I mean decorating puppets. Before the memory of that glitter-tastic bear challenge could fully escape our minds, RuPaul brings out that damned craft table again. Another week of this thing, and I’m going to start a charity walk-a-thon to have it exiled to a farm upstate. That way, it can run free with other terrible ideas and never bother the mini-challenges or us ever again.

But at least this one isn’t just about decoration. The girls are going to have a bitch fest—with puppets. Meaning they take a puppet that resembles one of the other girls from a prop glory hole (Drag Race is known for its tact and subtly), dress it up in drag and then riff off some insults. It’s similar to the reading challenge but with a hint of Avenue Q.

Sharon’s puppet of Chad Michaels looks like a burn victim. She delivers a few funny lines, mostly just yells about how hard it is to get a cigarette.

Latrice covers her Sharon puppet completely in black and then drops a bunch of f-bombs. Meh. Not her best.

Chad Michaels makes a Phi Phi puppet with a protruding snaggletooth, comments on her reusing a wig, and then offers this advice: “Maybe you could get the help to help you out.”

Done and done.

Phi Phi, as much as it hurts me to type nice things about her, got a good laugh when she had the jewelry of her Larice puppet come crashing mid-sentence (referencing her main stage jewelry malfunction). It’s still one of my favorite moments of the season, so I’ll take any excuse to see it replayed.

RuPaul calls Chad Michaels  the winner of the mini challenge. A fair decision, I’ll admit.

 

For the main challenge, the girls must turn out three different dog-inspired (sure?) looks for The Fabulous Bitch Ball: Daytime Dog Park, Pooch in a Purse, and Canine Couture. The last look will have to be paired with an actual dog.

Why type of dog? Well, the pit crew has four very random choices. For as much thought and organization as they put into that blasted craft table, you’d expect to see some reasoning for why they selected these four dogs. It looks like they just sent an intern to the pound and hoped for the best.

Next year I fully expect them to partner with  PetSmart for a highly sponsored viewer experience. (Nothing gets a TV executive’s tail wagging quiet like deep product integration).

Anywho, Chad Michaels— as the mini-challenge winner—assigns the pooches: She sticks Phi Phi with the massive, slobbering bloodhound and Latrice a dainty Pomeranian. Sharon is assigned a standard poodle. (thanks for clarifying that the huge fluff wasn’t a toy poodle—or one of Phi Phi’s wigs.) And Chad Michaels leaves herself with the Chinese Crested… thing.

Is that really a dog?

The girls get to work on their looks and, while everyone else is bonding with their modestly sized dogs, Phi Phi O’Hara is struggling to keep hers from slobbering over everything. There’s hint of manufactured drama when Chad worries that Phi Phi might think that assigning the bloodhound was some kind of—gasp—sabotage!

Oh, the shade of it all!

Because the episode needed another outfit and an additional twist, Ru informs the girls that they’ll also have to perform a Broadway-style opening number. “Think Cats. But with dogs.”

Chad is given the impossible task of choreographing the ridiculousness. Everything is unnecessarily tense. Sharon has suggestions that no is pays attention to. Phi Phi and Chad keep clashing. Phi Phi takes over. Chad gets kind of upset, but nothing really comes of it.

 

In the last workroom scenes before the main stage, Sharon seems somewhat deflated. It appears that she’s only glued on fur to a pair of boots, and when one of the girls prods her to predict the top three, she leaves herself off the list.

They’re doing a swell job at toying with my emotions, and I don’t appreciate it. Let’s just pretend like this isn’t foreshadowing. I’m ignoring this. It didn’t happen. Sharon is going to be fine. Yes? Yes.

For no apparent reason, Rose McGowan and Wynonna Judd are the guest judges. Is Charmed taking a victory lap season? Did Wynonna Judd get lost on her way to a taping of Nashville Star? Eh.

They start with the canine Broadway number. I can’t even explain what happened. Was it supposed to be a hot mess?  In the ened Phi Phi’s outfit is the only thing that makes it out with much dignity. Let’s file this all away under “never again… please and thank you.”

Runway time. The first of three looks is Daytime Dog Park.

Phi Phi O’Hara, in place of a relevant outfit, busts out a Nicki Minaj costume. She adds a bedazzled broom and dustpan for some comedy. Sharon gives us blonde goddess—not  evil, zombie blonde—and it’s delightful. Latice looks like she’s hitting up the mall, while Chad opts for the totes-relevant Little House on the Prairie look.

Pooch in a Purse is category number two. Latrice serves gold. Sharon serves heroin hangover fabulousness. And Chad serves structured Kardashian. Phi Phi serves something Rihanna-adjacent.

For the final category of Canine Couture, the girls walk out with their respective four-legged friends. Chad Micheals describes her outfit as, “just a slight nod to Cruella de Vil on vacation in Aspen.” Ah, yes. That explains it. Because from my couch it looks like you were attacked by vintage spandex.

Latrice plays it how she does best—lots of class, sass, and ass. Phi Phi plays it nicely, with layers (so much for sabotage). And Sharon plays it Liza Minnelli/Jean Harlow plus some white, puffy boots. It matches the poodle! It. Is. So. Perfect.

They extend the drama by asking each girl whom they think should be sent home: Sharon, to no surprise, chooses Phi Phi; she’s too cutthroat and doesn’t show enough heart. And in a reaction that drag lawyers will here forth call Exhibit A, Phi Phi freaks out, doesn’t let her finish, starts swearing, and then accuses Sharon of being a lair.

Phi Phi chooses Sharon. And then just uses the remainder of her time to talk more about herself.

Chad chooses Phi Phi, stating that she has some growing up to do. (No, really?)

The only surprise is Latrice’s choice—she chooses Sharon. She’s unhappy with her imperfect sewing and unfinished hemlines. Um, has Latrice wiped off the orange foundation and looked in the mirror lately?

It’s a moot point, because this week’s winner is: Sharon Needles! Well done. The amazing prize? Crystal Flower Body Jewelry. What are these things? Are these for vajazzling? And why does Sharon get all of the weird prizes?

Phi Phi is also safe, which means the lip-sync is between Latrice Royale and Chad Michaels.

Oof. However this goes, it’s going to hurt.

Latrice has been in the bottom two for the past two episodes, but the songs played to her strengths. Tonight, the song is Wynonna Judd’s “No One Else on Earth.” And when Latrice said the simple statement, “I’ve never done a country song,” my heart just sank.

Chad is a professional. Chad has done country. Chad works it out. Latrice gives her beautiful soulfulness, but it just didn’t synch-up with the synch.

And with that, Latrice Royale sashays away.

Tears. Sobbing. Our queen, you will be missed. (Those bitches better beware!)

She departs with such grace, telling RuPaul, “You have changed my life forever. You have changed the world of drag forever. I love you and respect you so much. And thank you for seeing something special in me.”

Thank you, Latrice. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So Queerty readers, how will you cope in a post-Latrice Drag Race world? How do you feel about the top three? And was anyone else as annoyed by the constant promos for the NewNowNext Awards? It almost felt like Drag Race was just the pre-show—which it probably was.

Jason Sweeten thinks you should all feel proud for making it this far.

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