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  DRAG STRIP

“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Non-Recap: The Alyssa Edwards Super-Post

Alyssa's Secret

Since this week’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race was a rerun—not even a clip show! A straight-up rerun!—I took last night to ponder the endless wonders of Alyssa Edwards’ face. She is the gift that keeps on giving, and the GIF that keeps on GIFing.

Join me as I stare into the void and it stares, squints, shakes, sasses, and shimmies back at me.

 

 face 1face 2

face 3face 4

First, let’s acknowledge the hard work involved in becoming a Cosby-level facial contortionist. You can mock Alyssa for her mirror routine, but without it, she wouldn’t be where she is today. Our girl can convey a surprisingly diverse and complex array of emotions through the unbelievable articulation of her facial features. Some examples:

 

shade

Starting with the basics: you can’t call yourself a drag queen unless you can throw shade.

 

double bitch

And Alyssa will start and end a sentence with “bitch” just to make sure you know that you have been thoroughly put in your place.

But that’s entry-level stuff. Anyone can use words to express meaning. She can get the message across without making a sound. For instance:

really

“Oh, you’re really going to come for me? Wearing that lip liner? No, ma’am.”

 

whipping

“You other children think you’ve got something, but I own this party.”

 

shocked

“Did she just put her hand on someone else’s husband? Girl get me my phone, this is going on Instagram.”

 

giggling

“So when she wasn’t looking, I filled her conditioner bottle with Nair.”

 

leaving

“My stalker ex just showed up. I’ll now be making a glamorous but hasty exit.”

 

pondering

“And you’ll pay me how much? I mean, my landlord did just raise the rent, and I guess it wouldn’t take that long, so… No, you know what? Still no.”

 

black swan

“I heard what you said about my BFF. You have crossed the line. There will be no survivors to tell of the destruction unleashed this day.”

 

snuggie happy

“It’s Saturday! I’m having wine for breakfast!”

 

snapping

“I acknowledge that your effort was strong, but remain secure in my total superiority to you.”

 

i dunno

“It’s completely OK that you denied me this loan because your parking space is labeled and this bank has surprisingly little surveillance. But I’m sure you know a reliable mechanic.”

 

amen

“They finally called our table for brunch! Eggs benny and a criminally large Bloody Mary, please.”

 

over

“And there it is. I have said everything that can possibly be said. You’re welcome.”

 

That, children, is what we call mastery. It’s amazing she still feels the need to use spoken language at all. And the skill doesn’t end there! She’s even able to assume new forms, like a shapeshifter. Here are just a few of the personae this chameleon can adopt:

Alyssa looks like 1

Chihuahua

Alyssa looks like 2

Sloth

Alyssa look like 5Alyssa looks like 3

Ostrich

Alyssa looks like 7

Don Knotts in The Incredible Mr. Limpet

Alyssa looks like 4

Will Arnett

Alyssa looks like 6

Ducky from The Land Before Time

Alyssa truly is every woman—and even some men. Don’t be jealous of her boogie. To close, I’ll defer to Alyssa, who will express her magnificence better than I ever could, using body-oddy-oddy language.

glory

Well said, Miss Edwards. Well said.

 

 

By:           Chris J Kelly
On:           Mar 26, 2013
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

  • 22 Comments
    • Cam
      Cam

      I couldn’t figure out why I kept thinking Alyssa looked familiar…then I remembered this Futurama episode and the Mermaid..

      http://static.tvfanatic.com/images/gallery/the-deep-south.jpg

      Mar 26, 2013 at 12:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Hillers
      Hillers

      I died a hundred times over. Please make this a regular feature. Next episode: What does Alyssa’s overbite think?

      Mar 26, 2013 at 1:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ingrid
      Ingrid

      I. live. for. this. Please explain why she speaks with her head arched forward at a 90 degree angle?

      Mar 26, 2013 at 1:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ibernard
      ibernard

      I still can’t understand, nor fathom, how RuPaul et crew ended up with a cable (television) show that not only holds no interest for me, but would embarrass me, should I be trying to explain to my way cool parents (of two gay kids) how and why “drag” is popular. WTF are you trying to prove? That you, too, can be a stereotype?

      I’ll stick to my umbrellas statement about today’s generation (and half of yesterday’s generation): you all think you’re going to take your boyfriend or girlfriend to your high school prom, and somehow end up with enough YouTube hits to warrant a reality show, a line of endorsements, and money, money, money.

      It don’t work that way, honey, honey, honey.

      Isn’t everyone from PARIS IS BURNING, directed by the phenomenal Jennie Livingston, dead?
      Haus of Corpse.

      Enough said.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 1:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ingrid
      Ingrid

      @ibernard: Jesus, Mimi Imfurst. You’re a mess.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 2:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @ibernard:

      1. I’m not sure what you were going on about, your post seemed to go off the rails.

      2. By the way Queerty…..Hilarious Post!

      Mar 26, 2013 at 2:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • joehandy
      joehandy

      God damn! She totally reminds me of Nina in Black Swan! Spooky, messed up bitch! But I mean that in the best possible way because I loves me some Alyssa Edwards!

      Mar 26, 2013 at 3:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BritAus
      BritAus

      Oh Ingrid BURN lol XXX
      Sorry iBernard, waffles are for breakfast :-D

      I love Alyssa. She’s completely bonkers with a good heart and I’ll always have time for her.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 7:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hamoboy
      hamoboy

      @ibernard: 5Gs girl. Gay men who think drag is an embarrassment to them are probably the same queens who say shit like “no femmes” on their grindr profiles. If you hate femininity in other men, you probably won’t have an easy time looking in the mirror.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 7:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • prcDS24
      prcDS24

      Whatever! I find Alyssa strikingly gorgeous in drag – A true pageant queen – with a gift of making faces or she wouldn’t be lampooned so much. It seems to me some people hate on her cause she’s so beautiful, talented and has a very loud with way words and I think Alyssa is turning me gay – she has a secret “She’s a Man” LOL

      Mar 26, 2013 at 9:36 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @prcDS24:

      Alyssa, if you’re going to post on here try not to make it so obvious.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 9:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hamoboy
      hamoboy

      @prcDS24: OMG are you Alyssa? Gurl you are FIERCE! I like you BECAUSE you’re so damn goofy, not in spite of it.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 10:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • prcDS24
      prcDS24

      @ Cam & hamoboy – NO I AM NOT ALYSSA – how I wish I could be as “FIERCE” as she is. I just checked back here because I’m deliberately procrastinating doing something that needs to be done and got a good chuckle reading the comments.

      I doubt the “real” Alyssa even has time for this – but thanks for making me laugh.

      Really just a Rupaul Drag Race fan whose favorites include the “Heathers” Alyssa, Mariah, Shannel and Tatianna – so there I am not Alyssa.

      Cam – you’re not Coco are you?

      Mar 26, 2013 at 10:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hamoboy
      hamoboy

      Alyssa tweeted a link to this article, so she’s read it at least. I hope she read how I love her to bits. I know she’s not going to win, she’s stumbled one too many times (one LSFYL shows vulnerability, 2 or 3 shows you’ve fucked up), but the episode she leaves is going to be a sad day for me.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 11:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Vince Smetana
      Vince Smetana

      Alyssa Edwards made Season 5 watchable. But, Alyssa, girl, you in danger. Last four episodes in the bottom-ish. But, I’d love to see her claw her way into the Top 3! I’m hoping she can out last Roxxy and Coco and make life Hell for Jinkx while she’s at it. Jinkx is probably going to win (and deservedly), but she’s insufferable. Actually, they all are but Alyssa. And that’s why the show needs her. She brings the entertainment.

      Mar 26, 2013 at 11:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • bridge2nowhere
      bridge2nowhere

      I can understand people like @ibernard’s aversion to drag. When I was young and first coming out I used to be intimidated/ashamed/whatever about drag. I would reluctantly stand in the audience and cringe and scowl. I HATED it…because I thought it was a reflection on me as a gay man. It’s not, it’s just entertainment…nothing more, nothing less. My advice is loosen up, let go of your hang-ups and enjoy yourself. You’ll be much happier.

      In the words of Alyssa Edwards, “It’s not personal, it’s drag”

      Mar 26, 2013 at 11:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DarkZephyr
      DarkZephyr

      I LOVE ALYSSA!!! <3 I hope she makes it to top 3!!!

      In episode one, I loved me some Roxxxy, but when her attitude reared up, I was done. However, I felt for Roxxxy for all of 1 and a half seconds in the episode where she broke down, especially because she seemed truly apologetic for being a complete snatch, but then she IMMEDIATELY went RIGHT BACK TO IT in the NEXT episode and I was like "OK, I am over you again". Thumbs down to Roxxxy, I am SO bored with her.

      I think Coco is a fierce queen, but I think she needs to calm down or go home.

      I am on team Jinkx for next Drag Superstar, though I will not be crushed if either Alaska or Detox gets it. Love those girls too.

      Mar 27, 2013 at 4:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ibernard
      ibernard

      OK, so I’ve been slammed as a hater, someone who “probably has NO FEMMES” on his Grindr profile, and can’t see the entertainment in drag at all. And that I can’t look in the mirror and probably have hang-ups on my feminine side.

      To reiterate: drag is not now what it was. Now it’s a full-on lifestyle. I GET THAT.

      What I DON’T get, and I have photographed some of the most noted drag queens in Miami and NY, is that is has becomem an all-consuming lifestyle, and, granted, most of this is ante-up for the camera, but really? Can they get through life with calling each other bitches? Living the drama?

      I admire their creativity, their abilities with hair, make-up, and all the rest, but to quote: Where do you go when the record’s over? Where do you go when the lights go out and the cameras are shut off?

      I’ll say it again: PARIS IS BURNING. Jennie Livingston. Watch it.

      Mar 27, 2013 at 7:56 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      DON KNOTTS!!!!!!!!! GREAT GRANDSON!

      Mar 27, 2013 at 8:34 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hamoboy
      hamoboy

      @ibernard: Yes we’ve watched Paris is Burning. What of it? It’s a documentary of a specialized drag subculture (ballroom) invented by black gay/trans people trying to escape from a world where everything is against them. Yes we see how pathological making up a pretend world can be, but we also see how bracing and healing it can be as well. Surely you don’t think drag queens are “on” their entire lives? Watch RPDR, and you’ll see quite a few queens that not only are not “on” 24/7 but some of them were never “on” at all (these are normally the first few to go though).

      Mar 27, 2013 at 10:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Vince Smetana
      Vince Smetana

      @DarkZephyr: I feel the same way about Roxxy. I was all about her when she first started. Her talent and bitch levels were at equal measure. But, then, she got too big for her britches. She needs to go home. I was hating on Coco for a while, but the last couple of episodes she has endeared herself to me, especially when she lays into Jinkx. They’re trying to make Coco this season’s Shangela. Of course, she’s not Shangela, but she can keep up whatever she’s doing.

      @ibernard: I’ve seen Paris is Burning too. I’ve also seen Leave It On the Floor. Something you don’t undertand is that what you take exception too isn’t the drag world, but the new generation. Most of the queens on RPDR are in their 20s and early 30s. They’re part of a greater culture where fame whoring is seen as an aspiration and legitimate. And it has affected most subcultures. They’re just the drag version of wanting the spotlight. A more legitimate critique of RPDR is the lack of personality and talent. I admired queens who could do impressions and had a quick wit. RPDR all about glamour and look. The best evidence is whenever The Snatch Game rolls around. Out of the four seasons I’ve seen, I can count the decent impressions on one hand (Chad Michaels’ Cher, being at the top of the list–as that’s what he has been doing for years.) Have a little balance and back yourself up with some intelligence and spice. I hear the first season of RPDR was like that. It is the only one I haven’t seen and can’t find it anywhere.

      Mar 27, 2013 at 12:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SamiJ
      SamiJ

      I love Alyssa’s expressions. They’re amazing.

      But I kind of want to love her most for wearing a Triforce/Hyrule Seal t-shirt in the workroom.

      Mar 29, 2013 at 5:32 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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