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RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: A Finale Surprise of Dragzilla Proportions

Finally. We made it to the last episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season Four. Yelling! Cheers! Excitement!

For this blessed, final hour (not counting that silly reunion show thing next week), I hope you all put excessive amounts of effort/money/thought into a viewing parties. Your apartment is repainted pink and black to match the workroom, right? Iron Fist Footwear flanks the north-facing RuPaul Shrine.  And three disco balls, representing each remaining contestant, hang above the TV.

With all of this attention—nay, devotion—to detail, what could go wrong? We’ve dedicated ourselves to nearly three months of emotional turmoil. Remember all of those craft table mini-challenges we suffered through? And remember all of the Willam we tolerated? And Latrice! Latrice is still not here.

Oh, the suffering.

Clearly, Ru owes us worthwhile finale. Heck, shouldn’t we get this thing commercial-free? Quick, someone call up that brand manager dude from Absolut. I’m sure he can pull a few strings.

You can’t blame a boy for trying.

 

In the initial workroom chatter, there isn’t any new news. Latrice is remembered for being amazing. Everyone is just so darn proud to be in the top three. And some semi-apologizes are given by Chad and Sharon for selecting Phi Phi as the queen least deserving of being in the finale. (Of course, they chose correctly, so you can’t fault them too much).

After a particularly cackly She Mail, Ru appears to inform the girls that they’ll be performing in the music video for her single “Glamazon.” How… not surprising. They released the video weeks ago. And I really enjoyed watching it—weeks ago. So now I get to watch them make the video I already saw?

Let me contain my excitement.

Well, there is one thing that could make this more entertaining: transgender choreographer Candis Cayne. Her concept for the video is, “high-fashion dragzilla primal glamour.” This, incidentally, is also my nickname when I go dancing at all the hot nightclubs. (H.F.D.P.G. rolls off the tongue better after a few drinks, trust.)

During rehearsal, Sharon struggles to learn the steps. Sure, Phi Phi is a bit “cha cha” and Chad Michaels is a touch girly. But Sharon barely remembers the correct number of spins.

If only the choreography had been “low-fashion dragzombie feral eleganza.” Sharon could have tackled that without a hitch.

 

For the video shoot, our girls are given some glamourzilla outfits, but unfortunately, they aren’t imbued with any magical dancing powers. Sharon still can’t get it together, and now director/homeless stand-in Mathu Andersen (left)  is cursing her complete lack of coordination.

Before moving on to the “acting” portion of the music video, the girls get some one-on-one coaching from Raja, Tyra Sanchez, and Tyra’s oversized red wig. These previous winners have come to help the queens practice lines and rehearse a fight scene. It’s a nice reunion between Chad Michaels and Raja, who have known each other for years.

It’s also a nice teaching moment for Tyra, who finds a way to tell us—twice!—how young she was when she won Season Two.

All this talk about Tyra’s age inspires Chad Michaels to apologize for her attitude towards Phi Phi. And ladies and gentlemen, this is why I love Chad.  There is no judging panel present. This isn’t done in defense of a critique. Sure, there are still cameras running and it’s the home stretch, but Chad apologizes when it doesn’t really matter—that much.

RuPaul also calls in the girls individually for a heart-to-heart lunch meeting (a.k.a. a marvelous feast of a solitary  jelly bean).  I guess this is the only sustenance that Logo is providing for our poor queens.

The conversations between Ru and contestant are sweet: Chad and Phi Phi both talk about difficult relationships with their fathers, and Sharon discusses her worries about how the show will affect her relationship with her boyfriend Alaska (who has auditioned for Drag Race every season).

 

During the second round of shooting the music video, Phi Phi proves to be the one who struggles. Shifty-eyed mountain man Mathu Anderson describes her initial take as, “Dorothy [from] The Wizard of Oz on crack.”

And if there’s anyone who would know what a Dorothy on crack looks and sounds like, it would be Anderson.

The girls are predictably emotional about their final main stage. It’s a time for grand, sweeping statements about their time on the show. Chad Michaels quips a rather specific analogy, “It’s like graduating high school and going to Yale.”

Of course Chad said Yale. Chad doesn’t have state-school dreams.

For the main stage, RuPaul reveals her black and yellow dress in its full glory and the only thing that I can think of is those Parking Spot airport shuttles. I

’m flooded with low-grade PTSD about oversized luggage and late buses. Maybe the final runway looks will clear my head.

Chad Michaels comes out first,  in a powerful, Versace-inspired S&M outfit. And while I want to love it, I’m upset to see her wearing the same fringe shoulder pads from her press photo (and I’m so over these press photos).

Sharon stays true to herself: spooky makeup, muted outfit, and tentacle fingers. It’s… good. The makeup was flawless, but I was a touch bored by the rest of it.

Phi Phi O’Hara serves up Flintstones 2012, pink leopard… semi-realness. Michelle Visage is gagging for it.

 

And am I wrong for having higher expectations for the final main stage? Is that so terrible? Honestly, I was disappointed in the overall showing.

The music video—though weeks old—is still a joy to watch. I love me some video-game graphics, and it gives me hope for Sharon and Chad to watch Phi Phi be so terrible at acting. (Note to self: if Phi Phi actually reads these recaps and tries to violently retaliate with a wrench, I don’t foresee myself being in any danger.)

There’s some congratulatory clapping and laughs and criticism and praise—and a twist! duh duh DUH!

RuPaul declares, “We are breaking all the rules!” And by this, she means that all three girls will be lip-synching for their lives. While I would have loved to see Phi Phi sashay away, Sharon had some unfortunate dancing. This puts everyone on a seemingly even playing field. Game on, girls.

The song is “Glamazon” by RuPaul, and based on share of camera-time… Sharon has the advantage. Her creepy slide down the runway and alluring tentacle fingers know how to work a lens. Phi Phi just comes across as empty. She appears overly focused on hitting her marks and nailing the lyrics. But Chad? Chad turns it out. Nothing super risky, but she gives a beautifully professional performance.

 

Okay, it’s time! Yes. Finally. They’ve delayed in every way imaginable. Cue the lights. The first queen sent home is: no one.

What is happening? Is this happening? Why is this happening?

RuPaul informs us that the winner will be announced next week during the reunion show. Oh, and we’re supposed to tweet who we think the winner should be with #dragrace. Tweets will help determine the result.

Seriously? You might as well tell me that the Next Drag Superstar will be determined by Klout score. Commence silent outrage.

I now have to leave these ridiculous party decorations up for another week? By then the RuPaul shrine might be set ablaze by my angry houseguests. And don’t even get me started on the commemorative  “Everybody say ‘love!'” tattoo on my forearm!

There’s a hint of justification found on RuPaul’s twitter account, “Last year shady queens leaked the winner. This time we’re keeping it secret till the very last moment.” But to me, this just seems like a ratings ploy.

Next week: We’ll learn that Willam got kicked off for something lame, and then they’ll maybe announce a winner. Maybe.

Jason Sweeten knows exactly where you can tuck those blasted hashtags.

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