I’m still recovering from my Snatch Game hangover. Yes, it’s a tough episode to follow, but RuPaul reminds us that it’s spring break. Woo-hoo! Instantly, my fake hangover is reminded of how much worse real a hangover can be.
For the mini-challenge, the girls will be competing in an “all-American wet t-shirt contest.” All-American? Well, it’s nice to know we’re is recognized for our classy ways.
I’m shocked: This is the mini-challenge? What does that mean for the rest of the episode? They’ve only been promoting a sopping wet Dida Ritz for, like, seven months. What more is there?!?
Our only clues to the main challenge are the references to cruise ships and Stonewall in the weekly she-mail.
For this wet T-shirt contest, the girls are each given a pair of voluptuous ta-tas and some delightfully trashy clothing and made to perform in front of a roaring crowd at “Drag-tona Beach.”
Here’s the rundown:
* Ru announces Milan as, “London. Paris. Milan!” I think this might be the fourth time this season? It’s officially ridiculous. Please, just say something else… “Milan is nice this of year!” “I’ll take a one-way ticket to Milan!” “Milan! That word rhymes with Black Swan.” Seriously. Any of these would be better than hearing that introduction again.
* Sharon does a comedy performance because she likes to “mock sexiness.” It includes a spit take. Sure, why not?
* Phi Phi manages to lose both her boobs and her wig. And. It. Is. So. Painful. To. Watch.
* Willam squirts a bottle of sunblock everywhere and then serves up some Hollywood sluttiness. If it looks so natural, is it acting?
* Latrice says that her “alter ego is a stripper.” And after she does a split and a leg lift that requires crotch blurring, I can’t disagree.
And the winner? Well, let’s see if you can guess who based on her quote: “I won. It’s kind of a hobby of mine. Thank you god for all this bod.”
Yes, Willam. Con-drag-ulations. The thing is, I love to hate you. And for that to keep happening… you must win some challenges. I’ve accepted this. Now, let’s move on.
Willam, mini-challenge winner, decides to randomly assign colors because it seems like the fairest thing to do. I guess the spirit of 
Pride is guiding her decisions?
Compared to previous episodes, the workroom seems tame during the prep for this challenge. There isn’t a massive, shade-slinging yell fest. There’s no power struggle against the Puerto Ricans with someone fighting to be leader (even though she should probably just sit her ass down). There is just glitter. And craft paper. Sure, Jiggly loses an epic battle against the hot glue gun and decent construction, but after her apocalyptic hot-potato outfit, it’s no surprise.
While the girls are all given a nice stash of goodies to decorate their floats, Willam whips up dozens of star stickers with her face on them. (Maybe she just had some promotional materials lying around?) As she expertly uses them to create texture on the hull of her ship, it just seemed a little unfair. If I’m ever on Drag Race, I’m taking everything and anything that might need to give me an edge: disco balls, Andy Warhol’s ghost, live piranha—anything.
During her tableside critiques of our girls, Ru chats with Milan, who is trying to create a float that’s a “flashback to the future.”
Yeah, okay good luck with that.
With more chatting, we also learn about Phi Phi. Her purple float is shaping up nicely, so the focus is about her back-story. She’s been through some hard times, leaving most of them behind her when she packed up from Texas and moved to Chicago. She then paints the Lone Star State as a place where homosexuality is completely unacceptable and where gay-bashing is a constant threat.
Yes, Texas has its problems (crippling heat, Rick Perry, The A-List Dallas)—and it’s not the best place to grow up gay. But it does have Dallas. And Austin. And the real estate to make its gay clubs ridiculously massive.
Sorry girl, I’m a Texan. I gotta defend my home. Just stick to trash talking the other girls.
“Covergirl! Put the bass in your walk…” Ah yes, the sweet sounds of the main stage are calling us. Our guest judges are NCSI’s Pauley Perrette and fashion plate Kelly Osbourne.
Here are the highlights:
* The entire time, Pit Crew clones were in the background swaying blue cardboard to simulate ocean waters.
* Chad Michaels, dressed as a pink showgirl, is serving “the deadliest catch: snapper.”
* A master of subtlety, Milan walks on stage in a yellow sunshine boat named “The Milan Invasion” and uses her arms to paddle.
* Sharon serves us “some snake realness” by dressing her left arm as a snake. Its slither is eerily convincing, but her boat is overworked with green foliage.
* Latrice Royal is turquoise royalty. Painted. Sculpted. And giving us Ursula fierceness.
* Willam does well. Okay, fine—Willam does amazing. While the boat had been somewhat awkward for every girl, Willam sets her down mid-stage and tosses an anchor. That way, she can work her expensive outfit’s every last angle.
* Phi Phi should also do more challenges with giant cardboard props. Best yet.
Willam, Phi Phi O’Hara and Latrice Royale are in the Top Three, while Jiggly, Dida Ritz and Milan are at the bottom of the sea.
Do I have to spell out the winner for you?
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It’s Willam—duh—who wins a cruise. (The kind on the water.)
For the bottom two, it’s Jiggly vs. Milan, lip-synching Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” This seems like the right time for both of them. Jiggly has been underperforming for a while, and Milan is still Milan.
This song has its softer moments, and that’s where Milan’s overacting really got cringeworthy. Just because you can open your mouth all the way to lip-synch a lyric doesn’t mean you have to. Don’t pull off your wig! Don’t take off part of your dress! Don’t do the splits immediate after Jiggly! Ugh.
No contest. Jiggly, chanté, you stay.
RuPaul leaves us with some final words for Milan: “London. Paris. Milan…” Sorry, I tuned out after that. I’m so exhausted by that line—thankfully we won’t have to hear it again.
Next week: The girls launch their own magazines. Willam uses it as an excuse to get naked.
Jason Sweeten is a Texan who lives in New York.
DenverBarbie
Willam’s victory quip, “It feels correct to win,” officially won me over on to the bitch’s team. I might love to hate her, but my god- I *really love* to hate her.
And your cheat check list, “I’m taking everything and anything that might need to give me an edge: disco balls, Andy Warhol’s ghost, live piranha—anything,” reminded me why your recaps are my fave every Tuesday morning. Keep it up, Mr. Sweeten (you really are a Texan, huh?).
Gary Indiana
You missed the most important part of the episode: Willam makes a comment about having used the wedding-window in California to get married.
Willam is married. Somebody married Willam. How is this real? I know he has a great ass, but(t) really.
ChristopherM
I feel like Willam’s runway outfit should have lost him the challenge. It is a hell of a lot harder to create something fabulous (see Latrice) versus buying something you once saw Sarah Jessica Parker wear. Besides, I’m for no wins for Willam until he walks down the runway and I can’t see his beard through his makeup.
Curtis
Im the other way around:
I hate the fact that I like Willam to much!
Fitz
Be nice to Willam. His time is short. We’ve all seen
pretty things like him, and seen them end up working Polk street. That personality (disorder) all but ensures no
permanent work.
stevoj
@Curtis: i feel the exact same way. she is a complete bitch and i absolutely love it
is this what it felt like to be on team Raja and team Raven…
wc1
Willam is hysterical, love his dry sense of humor. He always knows the cameras are running.
Bitchiest quote of the night was from Sharon: “…so I dress up like Lady Gaga.” The only one that got it was the one it was directed to (PhiPhi) – if looks could kill.
Curtis
@stevoj:
Yup.
As much as I love Ru Paul, (and Willam xD), If Ru just ends up picking his favorite queen again that he had pretty much decided to pick on the first day and that stood the best chance of winning, (like with Raven and Raja), and he just picks her.. Im going to be a little annoyed.
tookietookie
Raven was robbed of the win (as was Manila, imo.)
I like Willam a lot, but I am rooting for Sharon or Latrice. Their looks are more interesting. Willam always just looks like a mix between his Jessica Simpson and that toddler in tiara kid with the new show they keep playing the commercial for.
I was disappointed in Milan because her look for the initial promo of the show was really pretty. Who knew she’d turn out to be such a space case.
Phi Phi looked really good for the first time this season, but she, Dida, and Jiggly still need to go like yesterday. Chad needs to do something else besides Cher/Vegas or else he needs to go to.
I predict the final 3 will be Sharon, Latrice, and Willam. Ru will award the win to Shangela.
willam
All i really want is for everyone in America to say “I wanna do a shot with THAT bitch” and point at me. Even if you hate me, i think people can see that i’d at least entertain them and i’m a damn good time. thanks for the acquiescing. WILLAM
wc1
@willam:
Win or lose Willam, Ru needs to hire you to do commentary on Season 5. You’re fucking sharp.
AshNYC
I went to college with the best pageant girls in the country..including Kristin Chenoweth… i can spot a winner…I called Willam from episode one!
tookietookie
@willam: lol, well I would say that.
Mark
Sharon is my #1. But just listening to Latrice Royale break out into that big girl laugh in Untucked is a joy.
Chris
I want Latrice! I’m sorry to all the fans of those skinny bitches here but once that queen’s got a new pair of boots she’ll walk all over the others. Oh, and Sharon’s a pretty witty conversationalist, too, not just Willam.
vanfanusa
I can’t believe no one mentioned that porn star Jesse Santana was one of the pit crew clones! I recognized him immediately. I’m not sure what that says about me.
Mikey
I was also thrown by the whole Willam being married (or getting married and then the other guy came to his senses). Who in their right mind would marry that crazy bitch? Also, Willam really does need to shave better and I’m shocked that the judges really haven been on that bitches back about it. Plus, they called out Milan for self-promotion on her float, but said nothing about Willam’s boat being plastered stars with her 5-o’clock-shadow face on it. Whatev.
I’m hoping next week is Jiggly’s week to go home. After this weeks showing, I see no reason for her to stay around. You care clearly out of your league girl. Take the lifeboat and sail away.
Finally, as much as people get on Phi Phi, I’m still in love with her. I think she really brought it this week and I’m hoping she keep on improving. I swear, if she’s the Manilla of this season, I’m gonna punch Ru Paul. That was robbery, Ru.
Stephen
I have lived in Texas since 1990. Perfect? no. But, is it safe to be gay in any of the major cities? Absolutely–gay bashing is quite rare. Hell, I came out in Corpus, which isn’t exactly a liberal hotbed. San Antonio is no exception. She may have had a hard home life or whatever (who hasn’t), but bitch needs to stop blaming this fine state for her nasty personality. Send Phi Phi home, stat.
zephyr with a Z
My pick for the final three: Sharon, Latrice and Chad Michaels. Something tells me Willam crashes and burns, not sure why I think that but I do. And Phi Phi has bugged me since the very first episode, I am completely over her constantly bitching about everybody else. I can’t remember exactly what she said, it was during the Untucked and something along the lines of ‘we should all be there for each other’, which was so hypocritical coming from her.
OMG on the Pit Crew!! That furry guy looks incredibly sexy no matter what, but when he was all wet during the mini-challenge that was the only thing I could focus on. Dude, you are amazing!
And not to hate on our author, but Jason, next time you write an article you should probably get somebody else from queerty to proofread it for you. I quit counting how many typos and missing words were in this recap after the first three on page 1. Aim higher, it does matter. Peace.
Dr
How is it that the loudest and whiniest of them all has won not a single episode? Phi Phi’s sole talent is bashing the other girls and saying how talentless they are. And then they go on and win the challenge. Hysterical.
Mark
Question: Why on the runway do the contestants seem to be at the sewing machines and Willam is allowed to strut out in Dolce and Gabanna dress covered by a Dior coat or whatever the f-???? Has Willam actually modeled anything he put together that wasn’t label? No wonder he won the boat thing. He spent 100 percent of the time working on it and went out in designer threads.
Cam
Sharon was mocked at the beginining for being different by the other girls, apparently they forgot about Raja winning last year.
Willam….I can’t decide if at the beginning he was playing vacant, wanted to stay quiet, or was just getting edited out because in the last two episodes suddenly she is showing quite the personality and frankly is cracking me up!
My guess for the final three is Sharon, Willam, and Chad Michaels. And I’m sorry, but Willam and Sharon’s sense of humor, quirky and dry as the Sahara is cracking me up.
stevoj
@Curtis: people give Ru a lot of flack and i feel it’s undeserved. if you go back and look at season one you can honestly say that there wasn’t much to work with. i mean Nina was unique but that new shine faded fast. that season was pretty much anyone’s game, well except for Glasscock
season two was a bit different. you had a higher level of talent and much brighter personalities. i respected Raven’s abilities but i didn’t like her attitude one bit. she was arrogant and rude… and she couldn’t even lose graciously. Juju could have won for all i cared but Tyra was a nice choice
i honestly felt that Yara and Manila were jilted the most. Yara should have been in the top three and Manila should have won. i was sick of Alexis cuz she never accepted criticism. Raja was a fierce walker and that’s about it. she was pretty quiet in the beginning of the season and kept it bitchy in confessionals only. then late season all the phoniness ran free and we saw the real her. and i’m still mad the judges bought that whole “my win is for the children, who are different, just like me and Whitney Houston, born this way, free your mind” bullshit
but i agree with a lot of the criticism about this season. there aren’t any pretty girls and the level of talent is sub-par. this is becoming a cake walk for Willam and Sharon. whoever else lands in the top three doesn’t really matter
oh and by “pretty” i mean “fishy”… these girls look like guys most of the time (whether they’re on or off the stage)
Rance
Thank god I don’t have cable.
Stephen
Oh, and Willam rocks. Totally cool, totally calm, totally collected… Above the bitchery, and fabulous, to boot. Girl, if you are reading this, you have officially won me over from team Needles! And don’t let them tell you you have man face… They all do!
transwoman
@willam:
Transition or get off the pot bitch.
As a transwoman I see right past that male facade.
Jack J.
Willam needs to worry about that heavy-ass 5 o’clock shadow. And Sweeten – did you really write “subtly” when you obviously meant “subtlety?” And Drag Race is having ITS own pride parade… not “it’s” own. Not possessive. C’mon.
Curtis
@transwoman:
Agreed.
As a gay man, I’ve never seen a drag queen look so comfortable and convincing doing slutty while serving realness, I relate..
But there’s a big difference between sometimes fantasizing about being a woman, and genuinely being one on the inside.
(just speculation, I don’t know her personally!)
Cam
@stevoj:
I actually thought Shannel in Season one was a better all around performer, but it was weird, she could transform a linebacker into a JAnet Jackson lookalike, and Rebecca slapped some make-up on a thin pretty girl and Ru would still give Rebecca the win.
I have to dissagree with you on Tyra, mostly because the winner is supposed to be good on the mike and Tyra couldn’t talk.
I didn’t think Alexis should have been in the top three, then I saw her perform live and I have to say, she was fantastic, so I’m guessing some of the judging is based on things we don’t see maybe.
Curtis
@Jack J.:
Jesus!
ITS THE MAKEUP PEOPLE.
do you know anything about drag makeup?
>_>
Jack J.
If it’s the makeup, then she needs to wear a different kind… it’s atrocious. And no one else has that problem.
Stephen
@Jack J.
“If it’s the makeup, then she needs to wear a different kind… it’s atrocious. And no one else has that problem.”
Um, hello, Latrice? Girl needs to blend!
Gaga Milano watches
thanks for this …. girl needs to blend is right