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DRAG STRIP

“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap: These Drag Queens Are So Blank

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The shadow of the double elimination looms large over the remaining contestants as they enter the workroom to review the fresh banalities lipsticked onto the mirror. Roxxxy in particular is feeling the pressure. She thought for sure that a daily dose of Rolaskatox would grant her immortality, but the only recipe for legendary longevity is Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent, darling.

In what is fast becoming a trend, no one expresses regret that the eliminated ladies aren’t there anymore. With two less people around, there’s that much more room to hurl insults, so Jade and Alyssa fill the space with longer, sharper claws. A word to the wise, Ms. Jolie: Alyssa might not have a 26-inch waist, but you might not either in ten years, so maybe keep your body shaming to yourself. The thing these young kids forget about being 22 is that it only lasts a year.

Providing a much-needed break from the antagonism, the jaunty credits sequence jumps in, followed by an equally jaunty SheMail, and then an even jauntier real live RuPaul. She’s dressed like the bellhop in a 1940s farce and comes bearing fittingly zany news: the girls will be customizing fleece garments (referred to here as “cuddlers” because they could afford to buy Snuggies but not to call them by name, apparently) for a step-and-repeat “Who Wore It Best?” challenge.

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Visiting judge Ian Drew, senior editor of Us Weekly, picks the wrong winner in all three groups. Sure, it was clever of Detox to dress as Pizzazz from Jem and the Holograms, but Coco was serving truly eye-catching fashion. Roxxxy’s bustier is cute, but Alaska paired her giraffe print with a lion head! (She must have a whole closet full of Carrot Top’s castoffs. Party City indeed.) And everyone sucked on the pink team, but at least Jinkx made me laugh with her arthritic shuffle as the lost Olsen Triplet.

And speaking of the Olsons, who are celebrities: this week’s main challenge is the Snatch Game! (Segue. Nailed it.) “Who are you doing?” is asked repeatedly with the breathless excitement usually reserved for “Who’s taking you to prom?” Well, I asked Dan Hall, but he was already going with Rebecca Schulman, that slut. And I’m doing a pop star with no discernible personality, obviously. You are too? This’ll be great.

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The lineup that player/judges Julie Brown and Downtown Julie Brown are subjected to ends up being awfully listless. Ivy’s Marilyn Monroe, Jade’s Taylor Swift, and Alyssa’s Katy Perry can barely get the editor’s attention. Lineysha either sucks or is a secret genius, I can’t tell. Heeding Ru’s advice not to go forward with what would have been a nuclear disaster of a Michelle Obama impersonation, she opts instead for a flailing, English-challenged Celia Cruz. The look might have been busted, but the portrayal turned her linguistic liability into a strength. There’s debate among my friends as to whether “flip my hair back to front” was intentional, but regardless, it got a belly laugh out of me.

Coco does a stellar Janet look, complete with the cruelest nose contouring you’ve ever seen, but Chad Michaels managed to change costumes and still tell jokes at the same time, so she has some sharp stilettos to fill. Detox fares slightly better with her filthy Ke$ha antics, but fake urinating near Tamar Braxton is maybe not as gut-busting hilarious as she might have hoped. Also, we’re all in agreement that she faked it? Just making sure.

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Speaking of which: Roxxxy, how are you gonna call out Little Edie Beale as too obscure when you’re doing Tamar Braxton? Did Braxton Family Values get a Criterion DVD that I missed? Still, her wild, vivacious energy is worthy of cut-rate reality TV. Like, other than Drag Race. Alaska’s Lady Bunny has the mouth of a trucker, and oddly the husky voice to match, but she knows the power of personality and is one of the only standouts. It’s clear from the moment we hear Grey Gardens, however, that Ms. Monsoon’s revolutionary costume makes her the staunchest woman around.

This week’s runway is literally fish themed. Less misogyny, more zoology! During catwalk prep, the girls share a heartwarming moment of united purpose. Well, all of them except Jinkx, since their purpose is to tear her to shreds. No amount of foundation can hide seething jealousy, and the fact that being funny is suddenly important leads everyone to pick on the new frontrunner for delivering all humor and no look. Jinkx is too busy crying or falling asleep or not being able to swim to give them much of a comeback. Time to grow a MILF-y Jewish backbone, you basket of never-again-mentioned personal differentiators.

Of course, there’s no need to say anything when the results speak for themselves. Sure, Roxxxy’s pantsless blazer look makes the judges drool and there’s lots to love about Alaska’s mermaid dress (accessorized with an actual trout because SERIOUSLY, hon, did you think you were going on Let’s Make a Deal?!), but they’re both washed away by the Monsoon. She earns herself a jewelry prize that looks like it’s made of discarded plastic and nightmare chemicals. Everyone who handles it probably needs a Silkwood Scrubdown afterward.

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Ivy’s delicious goldfish frock can’t hide the fact that she’s one bland cracker, but she remains safe. The bottom two this week are Detox, whose impersonation of a loofah sponge is polarizing, and Lineysha, who consistently kills it fashion-wise but can’t quite hang when the gift of gab is required. It’s a brutal lip sync, and while I think Team Puerto Rico brought the heat implied by Cher’s disco anthem “Take Me Home” (she’s singing about sleeping with a dude she just met, guys), the former Ms. Icunt unleashes a vicious twirl that reveals an even more vicious tuck. If she were an actual undersea creature, that would be how she killed her prey. On dry land, it’s how she makes them sashay away.

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If you’re a D-lister on a game show panel, you’ll never win an Oscar, but you might clean up at the AWARD AWARDS!

To Ian Drew, I present the Liza Minnelli Combination Wedding Ring/Touch-Up Scalpel, because I’m going to guess that a picture of his face is what David Gest’s cake-decorator-turned-plastic-surgery-intern used as a reference.

Michelle Visage has won A New Stylist And A Mirror because I love her dearly but this garish retro nonsense ensemble was a mistake.

And last and certainly least, Santino Rice gets a Free Career Consultation. The frequency of his commentary has dwindled each week, and I’ll be shocked if they aren’t phasing him out so they can replace him next season.

 

ON UNTUCKED: Putting Alyssa, Coco, and Jade alone in a room is cruel to both the participants and the viewing audience. If they’re not going to put weapons in the Interior Illusions Lounge so these ladies can kill each other, they should at least send me one so I can kill myself. Once the whole group reconvenes, Detox is in a snit because Lineysha said she wanted to go home to see her “friend.” Because yeah, that’s totally crazy, not to want to be around this group of delightful sunshine people 24/7. Whatever was she thinking?

By:           Chris J Kelly
On:           Feb 26, 2013
Tagged: , , , , , ,
  • 9 Comments
    • QJ201
      QJ201

      Team Jinkx. I am SO OHVAH these “fishy” queens who think drag means being stripper bait for straight men or rough trade. If you wanna straight man to fuck you…crossover and be trans already.

      Feb 26, 2013 at 8:06 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hamoboy
      hamoboy

      With every episode I get more and more tired of Detox. That lip-syncing is so stylized as to not resemble singing any longer. And I didn’t get Detox’s complaints during untucked, bitch, if Lineysha’s half-hearted attempt equalled your best shot, that doesn’t mean Lineysha needs to go home, it means you’re not nearly as awesome as you think you are.
      Jinkx needs to wash these bitches away, because they’re either all sizzle and no steak (Ivy, Alyssa, Lineysha), or they think their steaks are a lot bigger than they really are (Detox, Roxxxy, etc).

      Feb 26, 2013 at 8:09 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Grrrowler
      Grrrowler

      Add me as another fan of Jinkx. Not only is she local (go Seattle!), but she’s damn talented. Jerick killed it in local performances of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and has done a lot of other really amazing local performances. As Little Edie last night he was the best on the Snatch Game, by far. Even though he’s not been in the business as long as some of the other queens, he has more so much talent and creativity. And, unlike some of them, he can actually sing.

      Feb 26, 2013 at 11:28 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • kingkuy
      kingkuy

      Detox is really getting on my nerves… Kristen Johnston summed her up perfectly. she needs to lose that “i got this in the bag” attitude cuz she has been lack luster almost every week

      she was unbearable during the ballet episode. she was just a bad a dancer as Mahogany yet she ripped on her the WHOLE time

      Feb 26, 2013 at 12:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • davegun2
      davegun2

      I’m going to be on the show April 8. Jinkx and I are paired up. More later.

      Feb 26, 2013 at 1:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Abha
      Abha

      @davegun2: risten Johnston summed her up perfectly. she needs to lose that “i got this in the bag” attitude cuz she has been la

      Feb 26, 2013 at 2:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rextrek
      rextrek

      Detox reminds me of a less talented Chad Michaels…..so far – Im rootin’ for Jinx

      Feb 26, 2013 at 4:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ingrid
      Ingrid

      Ivy Winters got away with damn murder. She’s super cute out of drag, but that Marilyn Monroe was a travesty. She should have gone up against Lineysha.
      Jinkx is adorable and that fake ass Olsen twin is one of the best things I’ve seen maybe ever.
      Roxxy and Detox are not as cute as they think they are. They need to go.
      In fact, anyone who doesn’t know who Little Edie is needs to go. Right now.
      Thanks for calling Jade Jolie out on the body hate crap.

      Feb 27, 2013 at 7:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ElCurupi
      ElCurupi

      LOVED Coco’s comment: “The only thing funny about Alyssa is her overbite” and Jade’s comment “The shoulders should match them hips but they don’t” although I’m not a fan of Jade.

      Go Jinx!

      Feb 28, 2013 at 5:21 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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