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RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: Why You Gotta F**k Up The Snatch Game?

Ladies and Ladyboys, are you ready for this year’s Snatch Game? I’m ready. The American people are ready. And the RuPaul Twitter handle is ready. (Seriously, homegirl would not stop tweeting.)

If you’ve been living in a sad, sad place where you don’t know what this episode is about…for shame. Snatch Game is notoriously hilarious, and it’s also the perfect test for our girls: They must embody a celebrity, field interview questions and fight for a laugh.

It’s not just about memorizing someone else’s lyrics or lines—it’s about winning us over. Good makeup can’t cover a boring personality.

For the mini-challenge, they are put through physical stunts in a game called “Beat the Cock.” Now, I appreciate this title on three different levels:

1) It’s a throwback to the classic game show Beat the Clock

2) The challenge is themed with feathers, chickens and eggs

3) Masturbation wordplay is always funny

The gals compete in three rounds with three contestants each, with the winners then battling head-to-head in a “Cock-tacular Finale.” Also, the grand champion wins a call home. (Why hello there, real prize!)

Chad Michaels starts talking about how tomorrow is his eighth anniversary with his partner, so we’re inclined to root for him.

 


RuPaul’s narration of the games is in rare form:

* “Whoever gets the rooster beak closest to my mouth wins.”

* “On your mark. Get set. Blow.”

* “The object of the game is to get as many rings around that cock.”

* “And you need to carry these eggs—between me down there.”

At the end of the shenanigans, Phi Phi O’Hara is the clear winner. And then something happens that’s even more shocking than her winning—she gives her phone call prize to Chad Michaels.

How nice. How sweet. How uncharacteristically Phi Phi.

Ru then reveals the main challenge: Snatch Game! The girls are to channel a celebrity’s Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent.

Chad Michaels, professional Cher impersonator, chooses Cher. Sharon reveals her gutsy decision to compete as the judge Michelle Visage. (An interesting choice, yes.) And the second Sharon makes an interesting choice, well, Phi Phi has about five hundred negative things to say about it. Classic Phi Phi. Guess I was wrong.

Phi Phi chooses to compete as Lady GaGa (a choice that sent season 2’s Sonique packing). RuPaul advises against it. But Phi Phi does Gaga a lot. She’s been recognized for it. Even hired all over for her Gaga.

Any famous last words?

Ross Matthews and Loretta Devine are our guest judges, and everything starts out as classic Snatch Game: Chad Michales proves that she knows her Cher. She leads with “I spread Le Mer on my toast in the morning. I’m Cher, bitch!” and then changes her wig a few questions in because, “I can’t go five minutes without switching a wig.”

A mid-game costume change? Snatch historians will be writing dissertations about this moment for decades.

Sharon did well by playing off of the relationship between Michelle Visage and RuPaul, “We were on uppers, downers and candy corn.” And she had the best response to the question, “Fatty Patty is so fat that when she steps on a scale it says…” “Hello, Madame LaQueer!”

Sharon, just consider that your ticket to the finale.

Latrice Royale plays a convincing and hilarious Aretha Franklin. Sure, her shtick is eating the entire time—but it works. And she gets to eat, so that counts as a double-win.

Willam plays the dumb card with Jessica Simpson. It’s an easy enough card to play, but she throws a packaged wig and keeps us laughing.

Now, I want you to pause. Remember this moment. Because it is before The Snatch Game goes to hot mess crazy town.

Kenya’s Beyoncé is… not. No Beyoncé I know says “I wanna take a sleepy right now,” and then falls out of her chair. It’s like watching a scene from Toddlers and Tiaras but without having parental units to blame.

Jiggly (as Snooki) thinks that Kenya is doing something right and she starts dancing. But it wasn’t funny—just annoying. Next time, study Bobby Moynihan. Or pass out in your own vomit. Both are better than whatever that was.

Milan’s Diana Ross is tragic. But at least she wasn’t as painful as Phi Phi’s trying to be Lady Gaga. Sigh. Where to begin? The awkward air piano playing? The forced “little monsters” reference? The constant dancing? I would have settled for a dated hermaphrodite joke. Nope. Nothing. All bad.

Dida? Well, she’s stuck in the middle of the chaos and trying to keep her Wendy Williams impersonation together. By not failing, she succeeds.

At one point, Kenya/Beyoncé farts (I don’t even think the real Beyoncé farts), and a sadness washes over me. Beloved Snatch Game, what have you become?!

Latrice basically stops speaking; she can’t handle the unprofessional shenanigans. Chad capitalizes on the atmosphere, “I don’t know why they book me on these chicken-shit gigs. I’m an Oscar winner!”

Enough! It’s too much. Take me to the workroom before they put Milan on camera again.

Phew. That’s better. Latrice, den mother to the entire world, lets the girls have it. She’s offended by the tomfoolery and locker-room behavior. This is RuPaul’s Drag Race! Sure, they make penis puns, but there are standards.

We then follow Chad Michaels as he calls his partner Adam. It’s a sweet conversation, and we learn that Adam can sew giraffe body suits and often takes phone calls with a full bouquets of roses behind him.

Ah, love.

For the main stage, the girls are supposed to “dress to impress.” It’s a vague and nonspecific direction, but it means we get to see everything from Kenya in a Puerto Rican wrestling outfit to Latrice in an elegant gown. Also, the commentary—because of the addition of Ross Matthews—is exceptional.

Highlights:

* Chad Michaels wears a giraffe body suit.

* Willam struts in leather and lace. Ross loves it, “My safe word is ‘yes please.’”

* The funniest thing associated with Phi Phi all episode, “Is that a shoulder pad or is she happy to see me?”

* Milan goes for Janelle Monae, but it looks more like Bruno Mars on Red Bull.

* Dida Ritz wears a teddy bear skirt. Okay? Not what I was expecting, but thanks for serving it.

* Sharon Needles comes out with a Botox needle, plastic surgery bandages, and I’m so happy she exists.

Top three:
Willam
Chad Michaels
Sharon Needles

Bottom three:
Milan
Kenya Michaels
Phi Phi O’Hara

None of these are surprises. Chad is such a professional at Cher that it’s hardly fair, Sharon continues to make us laugh, and Willam finally proves that she’s a little more than just smack talk.

The winner is… Cher! I mean, Chad Michaels!

As the top three are leaving, Willam interrupts everything to do a fake cry. Oh, poor Willam has no drag queen friends. She’s just an actor! And then she tells us that she was on Boston Public with Loretta Devine. And, sniff, it’s so sad that one of these girls leaving tonight so she can win.

Please.

Pardon me, Willam, while I use the imaginary violin playing in the background to smack you across the face.

The focus turns to our bottom three, and Phi Phi is spared another week. But seriously, her days are numbered. I don’t think dissing Sharon Needles or heavy makeup application counts as legitimate talents. Girl, learn some new tricks.

Fighting for their chance to stay, Milan and Kenya lip-synch to “Vogue.” And finally we have an even elimination competition! No one takes of her shoes or just stands there and points; these two girls work it out and do this song proud: plenty of splits, back bends, and no unnecessary stripping or wig chucking.

Dida Ritz admits to how she’s not sure which way the judges will go.  I think Kenya might have an advantage because she wasn’t in the bottom two last week; however, that clearly doesn’t matter. Milan, you stay.

Kenya, sashay away.

Queerty readers, what do you y’all think of this week? Did the right queen go home? And can we start a formal petition to have Chad Michaels come back every week?

Next week:
We have a complete foil to The Snatch Game: A wet t-shirt competition. Latrice looks like she struggles, while Willam appears to be in her slutty element.

Jason Sweeten writes words. He remembers when Pandora Boxx got scurvy from riding a disco stick. Girl, you doing okay?

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