Growing up gay isn’t always easy, but there are plenty of advantages that even the queeniest able-bodied gay in the reddest state can easily take for granted.
As Ryan O’Connell recently wrote in a personal essay titled I Wouldn’t Fuck Me: My Life as a Gay and Disabled Man, growing up disabled and gay can be a real nightmare.
Ryan has cerebral palsy — a group of disorders that affect a person’s ability to move and maintain balance and posture, and despite learning to adapt, his surgery scars and limp are things he’ll never be able to part from.
These differences caused understandable insecurities for Ryan as a kid, and add into the mix a teenage exposure to gay culture that seemed solely interested in the ideal Adonis figure, and sex/intimacy remains a real challenge.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
He writes:
Having a nice body meant everything. I spent all of my 20s in three major metropolitan cities filled with hot people, which didn’t exactly help my odds. Maybe in Kentucky I could’ve gotten laid, but in a place like New York, a city that attracts the best-looking people in America, I was a gay Grendel.
…
Of course, I didn’t strike out all the time. I had my fair share of drunken hook-ups and dated a few guys here and there, but I always stopped things before they got too serious. I stayed celibate partially because no one great wanted to fuck me, but also because I suffered from serious intimacy issues. It was a vicious cycle. I craved physical affection, but the second a guy touched me, I freaked out and felt unworthy.The gay disabled guy does NOT get to have amazing sex, I’d think. The gay disabled guy does NOT get to have a relationship.
…
I think gay guys will always be shallow and want to fuck someone with a gym body, but if we can give more face time to normal-looking gay guys and explore diverse portrayals of gay life, I’ll be happy. Because honey? I don’t want to ever turn on my TV again and see someone like Jonathan Groff pretending to be shy about taking off his shirt. That shit just ain’t right.
Stan Schulz
I’m reading this later. What a topic. Not one I’d expect on Queerty.
Ladbrook
“I think gay guys will always be shallow and want to fuck someone with a gym body…”
I do have to disagree with him on this one point. Even back when I did have a bit of a “gym body” I avoided the other gym rats. I’ve always been primarily attracted to what I call “natural bodies.” Bears, dad-bods, beer guts, etc etc… These are the men who have always had the most appeal to me. Show me your well-sculpted abs, and I’ll show you the door.
Glücklich
@Stan Schulz:
I read the piece and it’s a tad crass but a perspective I was frankly kind of curious about. I want to think on it some but will be interested in the comments.
SeeingAll
The name O’Connell would probably be a bigger detriment to his meeting anybody in the anti-Irish gay ghetto of NYC.
Mykaels
“I stayed celibate partially because no one great wanted to fuck me…”
Just like you did not want to fuck anyone not great?
“I think gay guys will always be shallow and want to fuck someone with a gym body”
Gay guys like yourself?
I think this guy could have had a profound message, but instead ended up being just like the people he was chastising.
Alex Rothwell
Well this says a lot !
onthemark
I’m really glad to see this on Queerty! I didn’t grow up with a physical disability – that came MUCH later in an accident – but I’m puzzled about a few things he says here.
Usually when someone has “serious intimacy issues,” they don’t become celibate; they go the other direction and become slutty. This is so common among straight women that it’s a cultural cliche, and it’s certainly common among gay men too. It’s interesting that Ryan reacted differently, but his reaction seems unusual.
“New York, a city that attracts the best-looking people in America….” Really? Don’t forget about the millions of very average-looking people who happened to grow up there and are still there. But in my experience, mostly New York “attracts” very BUSY guys who just want a bj next Thursday at 1pm. (“You can make it here and back on your lunch hour, right?”) Sometimes they’re conventionally good-looking, but more often they’re just confident types who are so busy making money they don’t have much time for sex. And those who already have a LOT of money are not “dating” anyone (never mind the likes of you), they’re hiring rentboys.
I liked living in NYC and still like visiting it. But my advice is if you live in NYC and want a serious relationship, MOVE!
I’ll read the link and will ponder the disability subject some more.
Nedra
Gays who are obsessed with physical appearance are the ones who are in [most] porn, on Grindr, whoring the club scene etc. But when I look at gay love stories, especially those getting married and raising families, they are regular guys.
We cannot allow the media to rule our world. We are as diverse as heterosexuals. There is a match for everyone out there. Nature is not as cruel as man!
onthemark
The link doesn’t work! – is there a problem?
SeeingAll
@onthemark: “New York, a city that attracts the best-looking people in America….” Really? Don’t forget about the millions of very average-looking people who happened to grow up there and are still there ////////////Thanks for that, onthemark. Ugly people too. We have all kinds when it’s a huge population. Even people, maybe, who actually WANT someone with CP (don’t think I’m crazy; I’ve known guys who love little people/ dwarfs).
chstennis54
@Ladbrook: “Not all gays.”
Glücklich
@SeeingAll:
Anti-Irish gay ghetto? Did you just finish watching “Far and Away”?
SeeingAll
@Glücklich: LOL. I don’t know what “Far and Away” is !! (I’ll look it up). But that anti-Irish Anglophile thing in NYC has always annoyed me (along with a zillion other things).
Glücklich
@Ladbrook:
Agreed.
I was an ugly kid so am insecure about my own looks and therefore expend a lot of effort and resources on them. But I’m not into gym bunnies. Sure, some are nice to look at but I prefer men with real bodies. Not a couch potato – they’ve gotta be doing something to maintain – but no one who LIVES at the gym or has made a science of their workout.
My husband rides his bike everywhere and does some yoga. He’s not BUILT nor chiseled from marble but he’s trim and firm. And of course I didn’t see all that when we first met. I saw his face and heard him speak in his dulcet tones (yum – when he talks it sounds like the next thing out of his mouth will be unspeakably filthy). For first impressions, it’s far more important to me that a man has an attractive face. Everything else will follow.
Glücklich
@SeeingAll:
God I’m in New York all the time and was posted there for months earlier this year. I wasn’t even aware there was such a prejudice. ‘Course, I’m only a fraction Irish, if that, and look more Latin (Mexican dad) than anything. Never had any problems.
Tyler Brocato
We’ll awesome story Queerty
SeeingAll
@Glücklich: Okay…THAT movie. I didn’t see that. I think I never liked Tom Cruise./////////You can easily have missed the Irish hangup in the NYC scene if you weren’t totally immersed in the gay ghetto. I’m guessing you were involved with a broader spectrum of people. Which is just as well. A lot of the anti-Irish sentiments here are just stances that are adopted by transplants, etc., who think it’s classy to look down on Irish and/or Catholics (except for French ones). Very 19th Century stuff. I think the reason I despised it was because I saw some really beautiful/hot/nice Irish-American guys from Brooklyn and the Bronx purposely shut out of events they naively thought they’d be welcomed to as much as any other guy. In the long run, though, they got the last laugh when Ireland got same-sex marriage before the U.S., which the NYC Chelsea crowd found infuriating.
thisisnotreal
As a gay man who also happens to be disabled myself this article hits very close to home. Most people in the gay community do not realize how lucky they are to have the options available to them that they do.
Unless you have lived your life with a disability among the gay community you probably cannot understand the sense of isolation it brings with it. Let’s face it, the gay community is quite often (but not always) very clique-ish when it comes to clubbing and parties and other social gatherings. You have your twinks, your bears, your gym rats, your daddies etc. But what about the people that are disabled or don’t quite fit the mold of the other gay groups, what options do we have?
In my opinion I think the gay community should divide some of the effort and energy it uses trying to fight for trans teens in high school, or female politicians who deny gay marriage licenses, or republicans who speak out against gay rights, or movies about historical gay events, and focus some of that energy into fixing the issues some of us deal with inside our own community.
Ageism, bi-erasure, prejudice against feminine gay men, racism, and narrow minded thinking are more often than not still issues within our own community. How about instead of fighting everyone else that we think is against us we try to create a more welcoming and accepting community for the people already in it.
The gay community has always wanted to gain allies and support for the things they are fighting for, but what good will that support system do when your own members don’t feel like they have a place in that community?
We all deserve a place in the gay community where we can feel safe from judgment and persecution as long as we are not harming anyone else with our lifestyle or choices. And until the community as a whole learns to treat it’s own members the way they all want to be treated as individuals, then some of us out there that go through the same struggles as the rest of you will never feel like we have a community to belong in and feel good about fighting for.
Bauhaus
One of the more memorable and enjoyable sexual experiences I have had was with a completely impotent military guy, who’d been badly injured. He never gave me details and I never asked about the injury. At first, it was a bit strange because I wrongly thought he wasn’t attracted to me. He explained the physical part in a very straight forward way, and told me he derived pleasure in pleasuring me. What he lacked in potency, he made up for in passion. We barely ever talked, which made me a bit sad, because I liked him. Were it not for his scary and jealous boyfriend, I would have tried to get to know him better.
I’m not above admiring a pretty picture, but what really gets me is a man with intellect, confidence, warmth, wit, and being touched in an affectionate, playful manner.
sportyguy1983
Well, duh!!!!!!
Cy
I’d have to agree with Mykaels on this one, this guy sounds just like the people he was chastising. As a gay man who happens to be an amputee, I can relate to some of the things he was talking about, and while, yes, there are some gay guys out there that only want the perfect hot bod to crawl into bed with, they’re not all like that. This guy really needs to start loving himself first because that’s his real disability. I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was almost 40, and it just so happens he’s blind in one eye. We’ve both had to learn to live with disabilities and that, I think, affords us an even greater bond in our relationship. I would suggest to this guy to stop hanging out with gym bunnies and start hanging out with people whom he has more in common.
SeeingAll
@thisisnotreal: A non-judgemental gay community is probably just never going to happen. I think there are a number of welcoming, open-minded, less-cliquey gay individuals, though, and hopefully that number will grow.
onthemark
@thisisnotreal: Whoa, hold on. Ryan was simply concerned about finding ONE boyfriend. Not about feeling accepted by the entire “gay community.”
I’m amazed by this modern mania for writing long, plaintive complaints in LGBT online comment sections, declaring that the entire gay community needs to be fixed. By some magical means that is never explained. And even if it’s possible would take at least 30 or 50 or 100 years. (Can you wait that long?)
You don’t say if you, personally, are having trouble finding a bf, or even finding non-sexual gay friends in general who share your values and interests. But obviously it’s a lot easier to do those things than it would be to transform the entire gay community. Be a little more practical.
redcarpet30
I wanna fuck Ryan O’Connell. There. I said it.
Will L
This is definitely an interesting article. I hadn’t given the subject much thought before. I agree with many of the comments that he’s painting us with a broad brush. We aren’t all shallow. But I see where we was going. Also, he talks like everyone but the disabled were having astounding sex. That assumption isn’t always true. I’ve had tons of lousy sex. It may just be that mobility has kept him from being able to get out and about like most of us.
I’m glad to see the different perspective posted here. Even if we don’t agree 100% with him, it has gotten us thinking.
Frederick Lawrence Watson
After reading the article it would appear the only thing holding him back was himself.
DjARD
@Ladbrook:
You’re definitely in the minority, Ladbrook (though I greatly respect you). I’ve lost a lot of weight, and am continuing to do, but am still – yes – fat. It doesn’t matter that I am successful, or intelligent. It doesn’t matter that I, in fact, work out just as much as the gym rats. I still have consistently received active outrage at expressing interest and attraction in thin or muscular men. And while I wish that was just an anecdote, just personal experience… it’s pretty universal for guys who don’t fit into the very narrow mold so many non-straight men seem to seek.
As a bi/fluid man, I’ve had FAR more like finding women who I’m attracted to being open to me than men, despite treating it ultimately the same way. This is an experience I’ve seen reiterated so many times by non-traditional men seeking out the gym bunnies, the twinks, etc. I think there was a study on it this year, recently, too. It is horrendously judgmental, and I think part of it is to make up for the oppression of being in a heteronormative society. Still doesn’t make it good, of course.
That being said, good on you for being interested in all types and escaping aspects of conditioning when it comes to attraction.
Chip
I am a paraplegic. I was injured when I was 18 years old from a 30 foot fall. I am 35 now. The gay community is far more diverse then most give it credit for. People only seem to focus on the group of hot guys that only want to do hot guys. I thought I would never find someone that wanted to be with me because I bought into the same ideal that group was the only group that existed. It wasnt until I became comfortable with myself and realized I deserved to be loved too that I found someone who loves me just for who I am.
You cant blame people for what they find attractive. You cant change it either. There is no sense harping on it. You really shouldnt shame them for it either.
Alan David Smith
i relate. i am a epileptic. but on a flip note. there will be things that are always a part of a circle that that while related to your disability arent the be all end all. i recieve a fixed income for my siezures. so money dicates where i live. and meds i take actually can slow down my libido. i’m also 45. not exactly the group people are rushing to court. but i will never give up and neither should you
Brian
The gay male scene is extremely appearance-oriented. There are unspoken rules of appearance that last for many years and only change once every 30 years or so. I was looking at some photos from the 1970’s and 1980’s and virtually all the men in the gay bar had a moustache. Today, you go into a gay bar and virtually all the men have shaved heads.
Face it – we are VERY stereotyped.
NJjoe
@Brian:
I so agree with you Brian. The gay scene today is so vanity driven. However, I love the look of the men in the late 70’s and 80’s and it does change every 25-30 years. I feel we stereotype ourselves at times. I came up in the early 80’s and I am happy I did at that time. I didn’t see the vanity at the time or maybe blind too it. Perhaps, I was blind. I worked in a successful gay nightclub in Philadelphia and there were many nights when I went home with 20 phone numbers as I was considered good looking chicken. Does anyone use “chicken” anymore? Has the word “Twink” replaced it? As I write this I realized, nothing has really changed and we do indeed stereotype ourselves.
Chris
I accept that people with disabilities (or what is referred to as “differentially able”) have a much more difficult time with everyday life. I have family with major mental health issues; and life for them is anything but easy.
And unfortunately, many of us gay folk have been socialized into seeking an idealized male form.
Add these together and you have a recipe for rejection and unhappiness.
Also, it’s way more difficult to overcome stigma and stereotypes than people on this comments section seem to acknowledge.
My heart goes out to this guy; and it reminds me to try to be a nicer person to others around me — even if someone doesn’t do it for me, I still can be nicer to him.
onthemark
@Chris: I don’t get why we’re all supposed to sit around whining about “stigma” and “stereotypes,” or how doing that is supposed to help us.
As a gay guy with a disability, I was always just focused on finding a boyfriend, or at times just a casual but regular sex partner, or at times maybe a new non-sexual friend or two. That’s it.
It’s strange, but before the internet came along, I never heard (or read) that the entire gay community SUCKS, so everything was hopeless, so therefore I must wait around for the entire gay community to change before anything good could ever happen in my personal life. Fuck that. If some guys enjoy that sense of mopey victimhood, I think it’s unproductive and won’t be any practical help to them.
@Chip: @Alan David Smith: It’s great to hear from you guys. Best wishes to both of you!
kurt_t
My spouse has CP. We’ve been together, let’s see, it’ll be 22 years in October. It’s such a non-issue for us, I’ve been trying since yesterday afternoon (when I first saw this post) to think of something interesting to say about it. We’re just like any other couple. We have a bungalow and a yard and a car and a dog and the usual kitchen appliances. I guess we do have more adaptive equipment than the average household. Every once in a while I find myself thinking “Has that grip bar always been there?” But I guess that happens to all of us sooner or later.
So I guess that’s what I have to say. When two people belong together, that’s all that matters, that they belong together. CP doesn’t matter. Your age doesn’t matter. Your hair doesn’t matter. What you look like in a Speedo doesn’t matter. All that matters is love. Everything else is trivial details.
Tyler Brocato
How come I’m ok with talking about my bisexuality and not about my “disability”?
Chris
@onthemark: I did not need the Internet to show me an aunt who failed to breathe at birth and was mentally challenged for her entire life. People recoiled from her because of how she looked and sounded. Once, she accidentally walked out of her bedroom into a public space; and her parents chased after her to hide her from polite view.
Nor did I need the Internet to show me how people shunned a cousin who was one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen while we were growing up. Tragically, she has suffered from schizophrenia since young adulthood. As her appearance and behaviors degenerated, she lost all her friends. I have seen her a few times since then. Each time, her father would hover nearby to make sure that, if she started behaving weird, she’d be hidden away from view. As soon as he died, her mother and siblings stuck her in a home so that I’ll never see her again.
What the Internet has done is to make all that stuff more visible. And when I read about someone who posts about his challenges online and (yeah) he whines about how difficult it is for him to find love — and neither my aunt nor cousin did as far as I know, either — I am reminded that we have a long ways to go.
So I congratulate you on your achievements, and I mean that wholeheartedly and sincerely. But there are many other gay folk out there who cannot overcome the challenges and stigmas of their disabilities and for whom, posts like this one (for all its over-generalizations and sad naivete) should be treated with a modicum of respect because they are giving us a view into their lives that people like my elders went to great lengths to hide when I would see their children.
onthemark
@Chris: Sorry, I misunderstood your first comment. I thought you (like “thisisnotreal” above) were engaging in the usual self-hating homophobic internet thing where we’re supposed to blame “the gay community” for everything. If you’re blaming humanity in general, including straight people, of course I’m okay with that!