Each week, we here at Queerty argue for and tell stories of people demanding their equality and parity with our straight counterparts. Whether it’s gay marriage, employment nondiscrimination or the right to serve, gays and lesbians deserve the same benefits and rights as every other American. Yet, as you know, we haven’t been fully honest with our straight allies all these years. Isn’t it about time we told the straights about our Quaalude stash?
It was the late 70s and a simpler time. Disco was king and mustaches and Levi’s short-shorts were the height of fashion. It was the height of the sexual revolution and gays and straights were sharing the love– and sharing the ‘Ludes. Scientifically known as methaqualone, ‘Ludes were the thing that brought us all together. Then, Reagan came to power and ‘ludes disappeared– or so we had the straight believe.
You and I know better. Spearheaded by an angered Armistead Maupin, gays and lesbians decided collectively to retaliate for the increasing discrimination against our community by depriving heterosexuals of their precious, precious Quaaludes. It seemed like a good idea at the time, yet looking back, we wonder what would have happened had we not hoarded all the ‘ludes for ourselves. Would the conservative movement of the last 40 years have had as much influence if we hadn’t kept the ‘ludes for ourselves? Wouldn’t the heterosexuals been happier, less likely to vote for angry Republicans if they had their happy-happy joy pills?
We can’t change the past, but looking forward, isn’t it time we started to share our stash with the world again? Sure, as you all know, Quaalude’s are the dirty secret of the gay community. It’s why we’re so fucking happy all the time. It’s what gives us the ability to look at a twenty dollar top from Target and say, “Just cut the sleeves off this thing and it’ll look amaaaazing.” It’s why we love Cher. After all, she’s so glittery! The ‘ludes have been the gay pick me up for decades and thanks to its amazing ability to make us hap-hap-happy, we’ve thrived.
Yet, every morning, when we pull our ‘lude stash out from behind our framed photo of Burt Reynolds, we can’t help but thinking, “It seems wrong keeping this from the straights.” At dinner parties, board meetings and the company retreat, we look at our poor straight friends an wonder what they’d be like if they too, could share in the miracle of the Quaalude. Don’t they deserve happiness and the ability to feel perpetually horny, too?
We know Queerty risks retribution for the Quaaludatti for even mentioning the fact that, along with a toaster, every gay man and woman receives a lifetime supply of ‘ludes when they come out, but we think the time has come. If we’re going to have equality with heterosexuals, why not make the first gesture by sharing the ‘ludes?
We put it to you. Should we share our Quaalude stash with the straights?