Each week, we here at Queerty argue for and tell stories of people demanding their equality and parity with our straight counterparts. Whether it's gay marriage, employment nondiscrimination or the right to serve, gays and lesbians deserve the same benefits and rights as every other American. Yet, as you know, we haven't been fully honest with our straight allies all these years. Isn't it about time we told the straights about our Quaalude stash?
It was the late 70s and a simpler time. Disco was king and mustaches and Levi's short-shorts were the height of fashion. It was the height of the sexual revolution and gays and straights were sharing the love– and sharing the 'Ludes. Scientifically known as methaqualone, 'Ludes were the thing that brought us all together. Then, Reagan came to power and 'ludes disappeared– or so we had the straight believe.
You and I know better. Spearheaded by an angered Armistead Maupin, gays and lesbians decided collectively to retaliate for the increasing discrimination against our community by depriving heterosexuals of their precious, precious Quaaludes. It seemed like a good idea at the time, yet looking back, we wonder what would have happened had we not hoarded all the 'ludes for ourselves. Would the conservative movement of the last 40 years have had as much influence if we hadn't kept the 'ludes for ourselves? Wouldn't the heterosexuals been happier, less likely to vote for angry Republicans if they had their happy-happy joy pills?
We can't change the past, but looking forward, isn't it time we started to share our stash with the world again? Sure, as you all know, Quaalude's are the dirty secret of the gay community. It's why we're so fucking happy all the time. It's what gives us the ability to look at a twenty dollar top from Target and say, "Just cut the sleeves off this thing and it'll look amaaaazing." It's why we love Cher. After all, she's so glittery! The 'ludes have been the gay pick me up for decades and thanks to its amazing ability to make us hap-hap-happy, we've thrived.
Yet, every morning, when we pull our 'lude stash out from behind our framed photo of Burt Reynolds, we can't help but thinking, "It seems wrong keeping this from the straights." At dinner parties, board meetings and the company retreat, we look at our poor straight friends an wonder what they'd be like if they too, could share in the miracle of the Quaalude. Don't they deserve happiness and the ability to feel perpetually horny, too?
We know Queerty risks retribution for the Quaaludatti for even mentioning the fact that, along with a toaster, every gay man and woman receives a lifetime supply of 'ludes when they come out, but we think the time has come. If we're going to have equality with heterosexuals, why not make the first gesture by sharing the 'ludes?
We put it to you. Should we share our Quaalude stash with the straights?
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Levi short-shortss? I think I managed to stumble into a topic I'm far too young for. I leave it to you oldies to figure this one out.
hahaha
Are you condoning drug use? I'm confused. At first I thought Quaaludes were like "mojo," but I just can't read into the irony of those post (like the Target comment is, which I found to be thoroughly humorous). Hmmm….
It'll be a cold day in hell before I share my 'Ludes on any day, much less the first of April.
Wha?
it's a joke people…laugh
OK, so let me get this straight. You're condoning illegal drug use, and suggesting that quaaludes are used without exception in the gay community.
I guess you don't want the stereotypes to wear off, do you?
fuck no, they sold crack to the blacks, remember?
I used to work in a big company department with 25 straight guys aged from early twenties to late fifties. Topic A other than business was sex or lack of it. Younger guys (usually single) were trying to get the females they met to have some kind of off beat sex the older married guys just wanted oral sex or any sex (after the kids came). I used to think to myself, if these guys knew what kind of mind blowing sex I had on a regular basis and the kind of sex most gay guys have routinely they would want to kill us all out of sheer jealousy. Share the drugs but not the sex stories.
Um, it's April Fools Day people, this is a joking article, lighten up, this isn't a Lillith Faire show.
Yeah, I got it as a joke – an unfunny one. I'm all for sick humor (stick a baby in a blender, fine) but, damn, make it funny.
But how much should we share with straighties? I'm all about being friendly to breeders, but do we have to be tolerant of their intolerance?
Not a joke question.
Very funny! I liked the "framed picture of Burt Reynolds." I didn't realize that everyone had one!
Can we keep the ludes but, give straighty Brent Corrigan instead?
@jarrett:
We know its a joke, but not a particularly funny one.
Love it! Hilarious. Thanks for the chuckle. ;-) Although now I'm convinced gay men really ARE all the stereotypes Fox inundates me with. OH WAIT, I understand satire and therefore laughed at your lovely jokes without falling victim to prejudice. Not bad for a heterosexual!
I loved Burt Reynolds in his jeans in Smokey and the Bear so much that it hurt my 12 year old stomach..like a funny hurt. Then I found a playgirl that my mom had hidden in her closet one day and there was a guy in there that looked just like Burt, chest hair and crazy bulge..I discovered masterbation that very day. Thanks Burt!
what the hell is a qualude whatever you call it?
@jarrett: It's a joke, as others have said.
But is "illegal drug use" such a boogeyman these days? I have to say, I'm perplexed and a bit amused at the prudish reaction to this joke. Is it the illegality that's the problem? (In which case, are you similarly disdainful of people who occasionally roll through a stop sign?) Or is it the addictive/mind altering qualities that drugs have? (In which case, are you similarly judgmental of people who "condone" alcohol consumption?)
I think all drug prohibition laws should be repealed. What a waste of resources, and what an unjustified encroachement on personal freedom!
David Unger Rocks!
@Pragmatist: Oh you were saying "condone", I thought you said "codone" as in hydrocodone … My B!
It may be a fanciful article but {{{wistful feeling}}}…
@ggreen: The homosexuals I know complain just as much about sex, lack of sex, and all around normal relationship troubles. The thing is, all guys are still wrapped around sex…so whether you're getting it or not, it's still a problem. It's also easier if all guys are sex hungry, to find one to have sex with. Do women just have more class? Which makes it harder for sex crazed straight guys to get laid?
hell yes! share them with us!!!
@tofer david: Oh Tofer, Tofer….how old are you?
Quaaludes? What exactly are they are from the 70's right? Do they call them something else now?