Coming out can be painful. Unfortunately, countless young queers can’t reconcile their innate identities with society’s expectations and turn to suicide. Television writer J. Graigory was one of those people. Now he’s sharing his story.
On an Easter Sunday, when he was twelve, Graigory tried – and failed – to off himself. Now, years on, he’s sharing the gruesome story:
…I snuck to the medicine cabinet in the laundry room and took the bottle of Sudafed. There were 32 pills, I counted as I swallowed them. They were bitter, so I took them in small handfuls of five, except the first and last one, to make it go faster.
Then I prayed to God to take me as quickly as possible and tried to drift to an eternal sleep. Only Sudafed is a non-drowsy pain killer so instead of sleeping I became wired and paranoid. I feared a lot of time had passed and my family would wake up and discover me not dead.
That’s when I took out the X-acto knife from my Boy Scout wood carving kit and slit my wrist. The first time didn’t work, so I did it again. There was a lot of blood, but I still wasn’t dead, so I thrust it into my throat with a failing attempt to find my own jugular vein. I just jammed it over and over into my throat, crying and begging God saying “please help me, take me.”
The G-man must have been otherwise engaged, because Graigory didn’t die. After cleaning up the mess – and some stitches – the young man finally accepted himself and went on to write for Queer As Folk, the Drew Carey Show and currently works under Jimmy Kimmel’s thumb.
Graigory also says that situation comedies helped him escape his identity crisis. “…Sitcoms saved my life. I could escape into being somebody I wasn’t.” Who says television doesn’t do good?
If you’re a suicidal gay teen – or straight teen, too – call the Trevor Project, which helps faglings deal with their self-conflict.
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Cue “The More You Know” shooting star…
Mr. B
I know it sounds silly and flaky, but I came out a week before Ellen did, and I don’t know that I would have had the courage otherwise. I’m pretty young (I was in high school at the time), but I remember thinking, “My parents love Ellen and they know she’s going to come out. So they can’t hate my being gay THAT much.”
Plus, the whole media/pop-culture angle of it made me feel empowered by what I’d previously been agonizing over. I think what I’m trying to say is that the whole Ellen-coming-out (and making it a story arc in her show) taught me how to feel pride in who and what I was.