Now that Aaron Schock has announced he will be vacating his $40,000 Downton Abbey-inspired Washington, D.C. offices at the end of the month, the disgraced U.S. congressman will need to secure himself a new gig if he wants to keep up with his high-rolling, jet-setting, non-gay lifestyle. We thought we’d help him out by throwing together a few suggestions for potential new careers to consider.
Scroll down to see our recommendations…
Maggie Smith’s Personal Shopper
The two things Schock loves more than anything (aside from himself, that is) are shopping and Downtown Abbey. So why not combine his two greatest passions by becoming Maggie Smith’s personal shopper? The 80-year-old dame is busier than ever these days with her latest film The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel grossing nearly $50 million at the box office. She could no doubt use a little assistance buying outfits for all her various press junkets, premieres, award ceremonies, and charity events, and we know Schock has that special eye for fashion needed to excel at the job.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Proctologist
At 33 years old, Schock is one of the youngest people ever to serve in the U.S. House of Representatives. That means he’s got plenty of time to go back to school and get his medical degree. Afterwards, he could open his own proctology clinic. We’re sure he wouldn’t have any trouble attracting new clients and making buttloads, er, boatloads of money.
Chippendales® Dancer
If there’s one thing we learned from his 2011 Men’s Health photo spread, it’s that Schock loves showing off his hot bod. Perhaps he would enjoy following in the footsteps of Ian Zierling and Tyson Beckford by getting naked and dry humping club goers at Chippendales® in Las Vegas. Beckford’s contract is up on May 24, which means the all male revue will be looking for a replacement soon.
Financial Advisor
Just kidding! (Although Schock does have a Bachelor’s degree in finance, ironically.)
Katy Perry’s Backup Dancer
Schock is a huge fan of Katy Perry. And we mean huge. How do we know? Well, a political action committee associated with the congressman paid almost $25,000 in concert tickets for him, including tickets to see Katy Perry live, where he no doubt got down to “I Kissed A Girl” and “UR So Gay” whilst surrounded by screaming teenage girls and the homosexual men whose equal rights he actively works to squash.
Underwear model
When all else fails, Schock could always resort to stripping down and modeling men’s skivvies. From U.S. congressman to Calvin Klein underwear model. Stranger things have happened.
AtticusBennett
He’ll get a job at Fox News. as a fashion correspondent. and fellow insecure gay republicans will love him, because he reminds them of themselves: an insecure right-wing wimp with no balls and too many Daddy Issues
inbama
New ex-gay spookesman for the Faulty Research Council?
inbama
Ouch. “Spokesman.”
Desert Boy
1.) Gay porn actor
2.) Interior decorator
3.) FOX Noise analyst
4.) President of Katie Perry Fan Club
5.) Circus clown
Giancarlo85
He’ll write a book and talk about how ethical he is and how people were wrongly accusing him blah blah blah blah… and make more money!!!! 🙂
pjm1
As Schock’s father notes (really) AAron will be successful at
whatever he does, if his in not in jail (that is what Schock’s father
really said).
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/aaron-schocks-father-had-best-172850906.html
Paco
@pjm1: oh I think Schock would be very successful in jail.
AxelDC
Schock bilked the taxpayer at every turn. Like the house guest who steals your silver from the dinner table, Schock charged everything to the taxpayer and then some. His latest scandal was claiming 170k miles on his Tahoe for use in Illinois. When he sold the vehicle, it had only 80k miles on the car. If he were reimbursed at the GSA rate of $0.575/mile, he got $52k more than he was entitled to. Most companies would prosecute for embezzling $52k, and this was not the only time he overcharged the government. If Schock were an ordinary criminal, he would be in jail for embezzlement. Somehow, being in a position of great responsibility today means less accountability, not more.
NG22
What I’d like him to do: gay porn.
What he’ll probably do: work for some K-Street lobbyist or thinktank or business interest organization.
rand503
@AxelDC: and if you pay it back after you get caught, its all okay.
jlfbman
He will come out and introduce to the world his boyfriend who will be an older, very wealthy man……prediction.
darian
Maybe he’ll go the creflo dollar route and become a minister and ask his parishioners to fund his life style. Only thing more gullible than a poor Republican is a religious one.
da90027
He could be the guy who hoses down the ship with ammonia after those Atlantis cruises…
Cam
Steals hundreds of thousands of tax dollars and votes to cut food stamps.
He even did direct fraud. He claimed his personal car had 90,000 additional miles on it than it really had. So that would have been a direct payout of over $50,000 directly back to his personal account from the government.
How much time would any normal person get if they stole $50,000? And that doesn’t count the OTHER hundreds of thousands of tax dollars he stole.
gjg64
I think he should do 10-15 years in a Max Prison. He could work in the laundry since he’s such a clothes horse.
Gregg
Ironic how the LGBTQI Movement has spent the last 60 years bemoaning the excesses and human rights violations that “blacklisted” figures like Alan Turing and Moms Mabley, yet when we achieve equal rights ourselves, we turn around and persecute those in the Community who don’t “conform.” Very sad really.
Realitycheck
@AtticusBennett:
>>He’ll get a job at Fox News. as a fashion correspondent. and fellow insecure
>>gay republicans will love him, because he reminds them of themselves:
>>an insecure right-wing wimp with no balls and too many Daddy Issues.
OMG, you just made my day, thank you for the amazing laugh!!!
mz.sam
Aaron Schock, Broke Straight Boys model…hands down!
Atrius
Brilliant.
Cam
@Gregg: said…..
“Ironic how the LGBTQI Movement has spent the last 60 years bemoaning the excesses and human rights violations that “blacklisted” figures like Alan Turing and Moms Mabley, yet when we achieve equal rights ourselves, we turn around and persecute those in the Community who don’t “conform.” Very sad really.”
_________________________________
Does everybody notice that the Log Cabin Trolls ONLY defense for any of these anti-gay bigots is t try to pretend that they are innocent victims?
Schock stole hundreds of thousands of Tax Dollars from the U.S. tax payer, some of it as directly as lying about his car having an additional 90,000 miles on it, which got him a payback fro the govt. of over $50,000 into his personal account.
That is just the smallest part of it.
So according to Log Cabin Trolls, attacking gays, stealing civil rights, subverting the voting rights of everybody in their district by selling their vote, AND directly stealing hundreds of thousands of tax dollars is simply “Not Conforming”.
You guys have reached the point of actually not being sane. When you support one party so much that you try to pretend that somebody stealing directly from the taxpayers is a victim, that is beyond normal partisanship. Seek a therapist.
tricky ricky
I want him to sign a contract with MEN and do a scene with Zeb Atlas.
Cam
OH! How soon before he goes on “Oprah” or some other show and claims he is going to “Rehab” to explore his issues, and that the court is letting him off as long as he gets 60 days of treatment?
pjm1
@Paco: LOL, hahaha. i didn’t even
see that one coming which makes it the funnier.
Josh447
1. Towel boy for the Green Bay Packers.
2. Ru Paul’s Waxi-Dermist.
3. Call Boy for US Congress.
4. Coach for a twenty something US Soccer Team.
5. Fluffer for Lucas Entertainment
6. Headliner for Thunder Down Under Las Vegas.
7. Chauffer for Miss Piggy.
His true career choices are only just beginning.
Josh447
And lucky number
8. Personal manscaper for Aaron Rogers.
darian
@Gregg: Couple things. 1 the lgbt movement you so described does not have equal rights just look at states like Alabama due to people like Aaron here. 2 when ever people who claim to hold themselves to a higher standard especially like the Republican party by wanting to cut government spending and fiscal responsibility then turn around and do the exact exactly the opposite of course they will get all the criticism they deserve.
BJ McFrisky
@Gregg: It’s beyond ironic; it’s proof positive that gay people only have solidarity if you have the same political beliefs as they do. Otherwise, you’re left out in the cold — or worse (see above comments).
andy_d
@inbama: You were right the first time. Great Freudian slip.
darian
@Cam: It’s like how log cabin Republicans saying when asked how do you support people who vote down laws that would protect you from discrimination? My favorite answer it’s always ” I’m more than just gay” haha that gets me everytime the same is said by other “groups” of minorities in the Republican party. If that were the case you wouldn’t need to be in said group and get help.
andy_d
@Josh447: You forgot lobbyist for the gay porn industry. 😉
AtticusBennett
@BJ McFrisky: we get it. you vote for the GOP just like your anti-gay family does. and how’s that worked out for you? you’re still a broken excuse for a boy, barely able to stand on his own two feet.
stop being mad at liberals. it’s not their/our fault that your family wishes you weren’t gay.
Josh447
@andy_d: I know! Good catch. He could kick off his new politico playing lead Shower Coach in a porn series called All American Soap Down. He could use the profits to pay off his high milage car scenes that regrettably, he forgot to film.
Or did he.
dhmonarch89
well- it was discovered he followed Tom Daley on instagram or twitter….the governing body of swimming and diving- FINA, is surprisingly homophobic, since they chose Russia to host world championships and sanction events there and Dubai every year…if he wants to stick to his anti gay roots and watch hot guys in speedos- FINA may be a perfect fit for him.
mcflyer54
I see him becoming Ken Melhman’s wing man. Between the two of them they certainly know every closeted gay conservative in DC so he could field dates for the less attractive Ken (while Melhman continues to sell gays down the Potomac shilling for Jeb Bush).
wpewen
Actually, I feel the same intense anger at him that many do, he’s really awful, But on much more sober note, he is part of the larger collective consciousness of the U.S. these days. Fifteen minutes, and he does not really care. They go on to more money, maybe not as much, but they do fine, of course generally at other’s expense They are interchangeable pieces: Schock, the Kardashians, Geraldo Rivera….
The checks roll in as long as they stay on their back.
GG
7. Ann Coulter double.
Billy Budd
I think he should become a prison inmate. The other inmates would love his chiseled good looks and would fuck him relentlessly. He would be the prettiest guy in jail.
Xzamilio
@BJ McFrisky: Isn’t that the case with any group? Do conservatives gay people latch on to liberal ideals? What is this paradox of intolerance that one must tolerate one’s intolerant beliefs or stance or they are intolerant of not tolerating intolerance? You get why it’s a paradox? What respect has Schock warranted from the gay community by consistently voting against the LGBT individuals he represented? You want to talk about irony? What’s ironic is that the one’s defending Aaron Schock and saying the gay community are being intolerant of him love to leave out his voting record and his bleak stance on gay rights. You want to talk about “conform”,@Gregg? Then don’t be a pussy and put it in quotation marks because you know damn well you mean something you’re too chickenshit to explain.
Cam
@BJ McFrisky:
And once again, the only rule to get BJ to completely defend you is to be an Anti-Gay bigot, and be a member of the GOP.
Giancarlo85
@Gregg: You’re a fool. You’re not even good at this. Are you McFishy’s second account? Who is being blacklisted? Schock committed all sorts of ethics violations and he stole millions for taxpayers. Does that not matter to you? I don’t care what his sexual orientation is. I only are for the fact that he’s a filthy crook just like the rest of the republicans out there. Maybe you log cabin nutcases should realize that.
@BJ McFrisky: Oh I’m sorry little baby… I didn’t want to offend your sensibilities for wanting to hold the idiots in the republican party accountable for their criminal activity.
You are a stupid brainless moron, and if you’re not the same person, you two just parrot each other.
Giancarlo85
GREGG is a one time troll. That’s all you’ll see of him. You won’t get a real explanation. Nobody is being blacklisted. We are simply wanting to hold Schock accountable for his graft and corruption. He used a political office for personal gain. So many republicans do this and their little log cabin ass kissers ignore it all because they supposedly vote with their “checkbook” (and that sort of stupid crap). Never mind people like Schock are horrible for this country.
Schock and other idiot moron republicans voted to gut Dodd-Frank financial reform bills. These little neo-fascist white collar criminals are nothing more than sell-outs.
I’m so sick of this weak minded defense. Why don’t these LCR trolls realize who is screwing them over. It isn’t the gay community. It’s the republicans they vote in office.
SportGuy
He could be my personal bottom guy! Though I’m not paying him,lol!
AlliterationAddict
@Gregg: I really couldn’t care less if he ‘doesn’t conform’. Hell, I’ve never really been the type of person who ‘conforms’ well to the rest of the LGBT community. But what I don’t do is commit fraud, rob the American taxpayer of vast sums of money and all the while pursue legislation to curtail the basic human rights and dignities of American citizens.
WhyteRabbit
i bet he goes to disney world. and specifically NOT to gay days. but i do bet he will go with his “personal photographer” or whatever the heck he was calling the trick with him in india…
Realitycheck
@Gregg:
>> we turn around and persecute those in the Community who don’t “conform.”
Gregg dear, you forgot to say what we these people don’t conform to, or are you
ashamed of it?
After all republican stand for: racism, bigots, anti gay, anti gay
marriage, anti gay rights and equality, anti abortion, anti health care, anti
helping HIV+ Individuals with a much needed free heath care and the list goes on and on and on.
Gregg you suck lemons.
Oh wait, let not forget the whole Terry Schiavo affair in Florida few years ago,
that really placed the entire republican/bigots party to shame.
Losers.
Paco
@Gregg: We have achieved equal rights? I must have missed the memo. Please don’t confuse marriage equality as the be all and end all of gay rights, because it isn’t even close.
The community has every right to persecute a (possible) closet case like Schock for using his “Hetero” privilege and position of power to vote against our equal rights. To defend his actions as simply being non-conforming is insulting.
TheNewEnergyDude
@Gregg: Schock deserves to be persecuted. Mess with the gays, deal with the consequences, cause we can be fierce bitches.
Giancarlo85
I think Schock has messed with the American people and has stolen. So he should be held accountable. Gregg and McFishy (same person?) will continue to say we are discriminating against him… why? Because we want to hold the criminal accountable? Put him on trial and send him to jail for the crimes he committed against his constituents and against this country! He’s a freaking sell-out.
da90027
How about Bruce Vilanch’s new toilet seat?
Desert Boy
@Gregg: Fuck you, Gregg. Aaron Schock had a perfect anti-gay voting record. Plus, he stole my tax dollars to live like a queen. If we helped to pull her off her throne, then Yippe Ki-Yay.
Saint Law
It’s great his life is ruined.
stanhope
I think 2 career choices come to mind for him…..beating Dawson’s 50 Load Weekend….he’s a shoe in for that or America’s Next Top Bottom at IML.
Tackle
I don’t get his appeal at all. He’s so bland and plain…
da90027
@Tackle: bland and plain didnt stop Ryan Seacrest…lmfao
NoCagada
@Gregg: He’s a thief…What don’t you get about that?
NoCagada
He could marry JasonSmegma from Queerty…they could both play I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE GAYS!
geoespar
He’s going to jail and he’ll be facing federal prosecutors for fraud just like Jessie Jackson, Jr. serving two years in jail for miss use of campaign funds, like $700,000, where as Schock falsified tax returns let alone all the other crap on his place. Cute doe not make smart.