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Small Packages: Hollywood’s (Allegedly) Most Poorly-Endowed Men

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  • 81 Comments
    • petensfo
      petensfo

      Yeah, where IS that sex tape of Colin Farrell?

      My gawwwd, that thing was beautiful.

      ps: thanks for the link to an uncensored pic, too bad it was for Bonaduce though. lol

      Dec 21, 2013 at 9:22 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daveliam
      Daveliam

      I have to say that I find something incredibly sexy about an attractive muscular man with a smaller penis. I actually find giant oversized penises to be a turn-off, so I would take these guys any day of the week.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 11:04 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jkb
      jkb

      Colin’s piece is exquisite!

      Dec 21, 2013 at 11:40 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Spike
      Spike

      Are there no pics of Tom Daley’s teeny weeny in his itsy bitsy speedos?

      Dec 21, 2013 at 11:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AuntieChrist
      AuntieChrist

      Do they still make those lovely Gherkin’s I think they are delicious…The sweet ones are the best I think.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 11:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AuntieChrist
      AuntieChrist

      If we used cm. instead of in. it would appear more impressive.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 12:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ouch...Charlie
      Ouch...Charlie

      I don’t care I would still do Ashton Kutcher, Eminem and Colin Farrell

      Dec 21, 2013 at 12:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Pistolo
      Pistolo

      If an ex says a man has a small dick they’re usually fkng liars, that’s the easiest way to disparage a man you’re still bitter about because no one can prove you wrong w/o a dick pic.

      Also, if you watch the interview, Brittany Murphy totally says she was kidding a few times over.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 12:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kieran
      Kieran

      Hell hath no fury like a dumped woman.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 12:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dukeofhurl
      dukeofhurl

      This is the worst article on Queerty ever.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 12:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hudson
      hudson

      interesting…… I actually credit my less than ‘jaw dropping package’ with keeping my alive. I came of age during the height of the aids crisis in the early/ late 80’s. Seeing guys wag their little fingers when talking about others’ dicks kept me out of the baths and from sleeping around like I so wanted to do. Young and insecure, I couldn’t bear to be the one gossiped about- it was a small gay community and EVERYONE knew everyone.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 12:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Homophile
      Homophile

      I don’t mind a smallish dick at all. As long as it has a bit of girth and isn’t pencil like – they can be fun.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 12:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stache1
      Stache1

      @dukeofhurl: Lol

      Dec 21, 2013 at 1:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Niall
      Niall

      So if Collin Farrel’s small penis has already been debunked, why was he still included there? He doesn’t have an “alleged” small penis anymore since we already know it’s not.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 1:12 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • crowebobby
      crowebobby

      I remember a queen once accusing a straight acquaintance of every vile act short of orchestrating the holocaust. The guy had bad breath, he never washed, he stole his mother’s social security checks, he once saw the guy kick a dog, and on and on until he delivered the coup de grâce: “And what’s more, he’s got no dick!”

      Dec 21, 2013 at 1:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hudson
      hudson

      hmmm, a bit harsh on Bonaduce aren’t ya? i didn’t look at the NSFW pic but his body is pretty freaking good. didn’t queerty run an article on how hot redheads are a while back? there’s a certain demeaning tone to the ‘puff of red pubes’ comment. just saying.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 1:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jesse Bay
      Jesse Bay

      @Daveliam: Wish I had met more men like you years ago ;-)

      Dec 21, 2013 at 1:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jackhoffsky
      Jackhoffsky

      The way Colin Farrell treated the girl in the sex tape was… by far… the biggest turn on for me. He was just so respectful, in tune. He paid attention.

      You know how rare it is to find a guy who PAYS ATTENTION?? (In general, much less in bed…)

      Dec 21, 2013 at 2:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dougmc92
      dougmc92

      Anderson Cooper was interviewing Sean Combs I think and the conversation got around to dick size and Anderson said his was very small.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 2:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • krystalkleer
      krystalkleer

      COLIN doesn’t belong on this short list!
      http://getoffmydress.blogspot.com/2013/12/ho-ho-hold-up-minute.html

      Dec 21, 2013 at 2:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stache1
      Stache1

      @Jesse Bay: Well, it’s not too late. Get back to the gym then.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 3:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • petewentzisforlovers21
      petewentzisforlovers21

      @petensfo: http://xhamster.com/movies/11235/colin_farrell_sex_tape.html
      be warned there is vag shots

      Dec 21, 2013 at 4:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Paul F
      Paul F

      @Homophile: For actual personal usage, girth is my problem. Only a “pencil” dick will fit inside of me. (Results of having Crohns disease since 1976) Hubby can’t even fit the tip in, much to my frustration. Thankfully, he’s only interested in what my front side has to offer when it comes to putting tab A into slot B. Growing up, my brother convinced me I had a micro dick. It was only much later when I started to see other men’s erections that I found out that I’m slightly above average. Very much a grower, not the donkey dick shower that he is. Thanks bro, for years of inferiority complexes in that department, although like Hudson, it probably saved my life.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 5:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheNewEnergyDude
      TheNewEnergyDude

      “Maybe that’s why Kate was always in a pissy mood?”

      Hahahaha….Fabulous!!

      Dec 21, 2013 at 5:17 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Teleny
      Teleny

      That Bonaduce picture. I very much regret looking…

      Dec 21, 2013 at 7:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CAxlRose
      CAxlRose

      Mark McGrath has also been open about his undersized package.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 8:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hudson
      hudson

      @petewentzisforlovers21: that was pretty hot- vag shots and all!

      Dec 21, 2013 at 8:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Nikkidane
      Nikkidane

      One of my most satisfying experiences was with a guy much shorter than me with a small penis. He was very masculine and nice muscular body (not overly muscular), bubble butt, blonde, great kisser and great conversationalist. We met online and only met once but it was definitely memorable. Penis size is very over-rated if you ask me.

      Dec 21, 2013 at 10:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jckfmsincty
      jckfmsincty

      Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck?

      Dec 21, 2013 at 11:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      Whether some of these guys have gone on record about it or not, this is a tacky, mean-spirited, superficial post.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 12:51 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • darkanser
      darkanser

      @hudson: I looked at the NSFW pic. I knew what to expect — and I don’t think I’m the shallowest size queen — but still I was rather surprised. I’ll admit to having some size worship but I’m more concerned with a guy’s face and general body — than one body part. Of course, personality goes a long way too. I’ll concede Bonaducci does have a nice body.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 3:25 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • darkanser
      darkanser

      The irony regarding Nick Cannon is that there’s a sometime gay porn star with the same name who’s humungous.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 3:29 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • queertyreader
      queertyreader

      @Pistolo: I usually agree that the ex-wifes or ex-girlfriends are probably bitter. On the otrher hand though, you can be sure if Eminem really had a huge penis he A) would have shoved it into our faces and B) he would have fought back by writing a song and telling the whole world it wasn’t true. Since he obviously does have a small wiener, he’s better off being silent.
      Most of the other celebrities make sense: Jon Gosslin is half Asian, as far as I know and Asian men do have a smaller penis by average. Of course there are many exceptions. This is why Nick Cannon is a surprise to be on the list. However the reaction to his penis size of his ex was just “Eh”… which could also mean she’s really just bitter and he is average.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 3:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tackle
      Tackle

      I don’t believe for one minute that Nick Cannon has a small package. Usually his type, 6 feet tall, slim defined body, kinda skinny legs, tends to be well endowed. I’ve seen it many times. Mabey his ex, “Eh”, was more about his kissing than his penis size. From what I’ve seen, dude can’t kiss worth a damn…

      Dec 22, 2013 at 6:00 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • blackhook
      blackhook

      So sorry to hear about Em’s teeny-tiny white trash peeny!

      Dec 22, 2013 at 7:28 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Vanessa R. Renzi
      Vanessa R. Renzi

      what Jeremy responded I cant believe that people able to profit $5353 in one month on the computer. you can find out more… http://bit.do/fFCh

      Dec 22, 2013 at 8:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • WayDifferent
      WayDifferent

      Unfortunately, this is what is important to most gays while they fight for marriage rights.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 11:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • WayDifferent
      WayDifferent

      @blackhook: He’s got a much bigger house than most ghetto blacks and he doesn’t have to have iron bars on the doors and windows either. Hell, you could fit 1,300 Mexicans in that thing too.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 11:42 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hephaestion
      hephaestion

      I don’t understand why anyone gives a fuck how big or little a penis is. It makes no difference to me.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 7:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jwtraveler
      jwtraveler

      I don’t care what Nick Cannon has or doesn’t have, he’s so adorable it drives me crazy. And he does have the richest, most successful wife in show business so he must have something going for him.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 7:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Evji108
      Evji108

      Penis Shaming
      It seems to be totally acceptable for a woman to say of an man that he has a small dick, it’s the perfect put down, it implies he isn’t man enough. And it cuts deep, it goes to his deepest insecurities.

      But if a guy went around saying,
      “Her loose cootch was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much. I faked the whole thing. I really felt sorry for her; I still loved her though.” Imagine the backlash from the women because that’s called slut shaming and they really don’t like it. It’s a double standard.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 9:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Spike
      Spike

      I wonder how big Jim/Anita Bryant’s dick is.

      Dec 22, 2013 at 10:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iluvcakes
      iluvcakes

      @Eminem

      This was the one of the only women he is actually confirmed being with, combine this with the homophobia and to me its clear he is a closet case. He’ll never probably come out until he is 60 or something but Im telling you its only a matter of time.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 12:22 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • seaguy
      seaguy

      That is one list I would not want to be on.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 5:12 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Rosie K. Jones
      Rosie K. Jones

      Recently purchased a superb Audi RS Five Coupe just by some part-time working online. find more information… http://bit.do/fGYa

      Dec 23, 2013 at 8:45 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kangol
      Kangol

      That Bonaduce pic…well, I give him credit for being brave enough to show that micro-nub to the world.

      Now, Queerty, why don’t you do a companion piece on the alleged best endowed men of Hollywood? Or pro sports? Or the entertainment energy more broadly? Or did you do that already?

      I can’t remember, maybe you did, but doing it again would be a nice Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus/Holiday gift to all of us on here!

      Dec 23, 2013 at 12:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Sebizzar
      Sebizzar

      @Pistolo: Exactly, I kept thinking to myself “And we’re suppoesd to believe what every ex gf says?”

      What is the point of this article anyway, to make guys feel ashamed? The only people who should know about something so private are the ones you’re sleeping with.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 4:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mindbump
      mindbump

      That’s a shame about Eminem! I’ve had many dreams and j.o. sessions about him. I’m still a virgin, so maybe it’s a good thing he is on the less than average list.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 4:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dannyboi2
      dannyboi2

      @hudson: You and many others…myself included, I’m average and many have been very happy with many repeat performances. But, my own insecurity to to measure up to Porn Star standards have always kept me a wallflower. And my larger than average friends are all dead now, some because of AIDS others OD-ing Drugs do to a lot of sexual activity, so we should count ourselves Lucky.
      Honestly it’s all in you head anyways.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 5:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bumper
      Bumper

      I just don’t know how you can tell. Some are showers and others are growers. I’ve never been able to tell. Ever. Then of course there are those who don’t give a damn. Count me in that group. What does it matter if you fall in love despite size? Overly sexualized guys are too much into the measurement tape that measures from the ass to the mushroom. Less than 10% of us have over the average.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 6:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • pauleky
      pauleky

      I have never understood the fascination with big dicks. I would never discount a relationship with anyone based on that sole factor. I’ve had really horrible sex with very well-endowed guys, and mind-blowing sex with smaller guys. And, the opposite is true as well. A guy I knew in college was actually kicked out of bed for being too small. He’s carrying 6.5″. That mindset is just very, very sad.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 7:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • pauleky
      pauleky

      @Kangol: It really, really wouldn’t for “all of us.” We’re not all so shallow.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 7:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jmmartin
      jmmartin

      Ashton is awfully good looking but a bit of an ass. After his brief fling with Murphy, he told the gossips that she was easy to bed, which showed us more about him than about her. (Whatever happened to the rule against kissing adn telling?) Ashton has a bit of an ego problem. Murphy might just be getting even, tough it would not surprise me that he is small. Demi Moore should have had more sense than to hook up with the guy. Now, Colin Farrell….

      Dec 23, 2013 at 7:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kangol
      Kangol

      @pauleky:

      So appreciating male genital endowment makes one “shallow”? Who appointed you the Head Queen and arbiter of what’s deep and what isn’t?

      You can’t understand “the fascination with big dicks.” Some people like red hair or blonds, some people like to see and have sex with men with big dicks, some people like to see men with beards and stroke them, you name it. That doesn’t make any of these people “shallow.” Or is it only shallowness if it’s something you don’t like or care for?

      Dec 23, 2013 at 9:49 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bob LaBlah
      Bob LaBlah

      Why was Mario Lopez left off the list?

      Dec 23, 2013 at 10:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • drdjlawrence
      drdjlawrence

      @dukeofhurl: YOU’VE GOT THAT RIGHT ! I’m Gay – so what !? Penis size – what an idiotic concept. If the Man will Love, and be honest; I don’t give a flyin’ fuck, what the size of his dick is. I am more concerned with the size of his heart. –DJ Lawrence

      Dec 23, 2013 at 11:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • KDub
      KDub

      Enrique Iglesias totally has a small junk aura to him. I definitely believe that one.

      Dec 23, 2013 at 11:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AtlasRich
      AtlasRich

      This is fun but don’t believe everything you read.

      Dec 24, 2013 at 11:14 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matthew
      Matthew

      I must comment on why is this article relevant? Why in the age of the classy Phag (the Gay Gentlemen), do we even care what any man has in his drawers? Queerty this is NOT what I call ‘keeping it clean’… This article is very distasteful not only to the reader (me for one), but also for str8’s who are looking for any reason or excuse to call us perverts.

      Dec 24, 2013 at 3:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matthew
      Matthew

      @Kangol: yes, i must agree… But, this is NOT the forum for this kind of topic. We (Gay Men) especially 40+ who survived the AIDS epidemic should note that promiscuity is dangerous, and discretion is a must.

      Dec 24, 2013 at 3:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ThumperIndy
      ThumperIndy

      Colen Farrell is only a little above average (I am right at 9 so his is little compared to some of us. ) , seen the sex tax and was not that impressed. Not a fan of bi-racial sex tapes, but I would agree he is pretty hot at providing a good fuck. Ashton I am sure has more than average, just his built shows that. As for the rest we can only guess. Ex’s always want to talk smack …Enrigue is so HOT who really cares I bet he is very patient with his actions. And @SPIKE, Tom Daley is very well endowed (seen his nude real pictures. , don’t hate most gay men are HUNG….that is why women love gay men. LOL. And trust me or I think that most or it not half of the men listed here has experienced in the sexual habits, admit it or not. Good looking men explore and hung men like oral from male or female. Just saying. Be kind to one another folks, life is to short and so are some penis’s LMAO.

      Dec 25, 2013 at 1:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ThumperIndy
      ThumperIndy

      @AtlasRich: I agree with you.

      Dec 25, 2013 at 1:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ThumperIndy
      ThumperIndy

      @jckfmsincty: Brad Bitt has a very small penis yet he has been voted sexiest man .. Never been a big fan of his except in his younger days when he has long hair. Brad has such a attitude and a cheater so I lost respect for him. He is getting old and so his the attention toward him.

      Dec 25, 2013 at 1:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tackle
      Tackle

      @Thumperlndy: You are telling people to be kind, yet you have no problem expressing your racism. And I’m willing to bet that most gay men are NOT hung. Most are average just like the general population.
      And most men, hung or not enjoy oral sex. And , ( his younger days when he “has” long hair). What the hell does that mean? Had to reread your post five times to understand what you are trying to write…

      Dec 26, 2013 at 10:13 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • stranded
      stranded

      I don’t believe these claims from ex-partners. They’re usually just spiteful girlfriends. Also, why does no man ever mention the big vagina. To quote Larry David “These large vagina women are getting away with murder”

      Dec 27, 2013 at 12:20 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • yaletownman
      yaletownman

      Something seems quite sad to me about how we entertain ourselves by degrading people. Yes, I get that’s the price people pay for fame and fame makes them fair game but at the same time it just seems pretty awful to put this kind of thing in lights. Why does it entertain us so? Because our egos are so damaged that we need to debase people in order to feel better about ourselves? Maybe one day we will all love ourselves enough to then love others. I guess till then we can expect plenty of this.

      Jan 20, 2014 at 2:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Darreyl102
      Darreyl102

      Until you see a penis FULLY erect, it’s hard to say how big somebody is- some are growers not showers, a lot of other things can affect to how big a dick looks when flaccid. I mean, that is something that every guy should know. That picture proves nothing of Danny’s size.

      Feb 9, 2014 at 5:49 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • crowebobby
      crowebobby

      @blackhook: Then you’ll be happy to hear about his beautiful ass.

      Feb 17, 2014 at 10:33 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jonjct
      jonjct

      Okay, nobody cares (not even me), but for the record, Barry Manilow. Hung. I used to live in the same apartment building on CPW and he was a floor below me across the air-shaft. He was naked a lot. He never knew I was looking. Nice bod, nice and hung. Also, no surprise, Jan Michael Vincent. Hung. Was at the urinal next to him at Lincoln Center (the reception for Winds of War), so of course, I looked. (yeah, I waited for him to pee and followed him). Nice, hung, fleshy, looked fat. He was young and handsome back then. Finally, sadly, Chris Reeve, no dick whatsoever. None. Zeeeeero. He used to hang with my friend Greg and often wore just running shorts, commando, and a tee shirt. You could see everything. Which was … nothing. Hung like a 9 year old boy. Way below average. Such a disappointment. But he was cute, wasn’t he?

      Feb 17, 2014 at 10:44 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jonjct
      jonjct

      @dannyboi2: you and hudson have it right. i am average and attractive, but never had the confidence to go to the baths or put myself out there too much. in the 80’s i was a bottom and would have contracted AIDS in a second. being circumspect saved my life, literally. god bless my friends who died of this frightening disease. i remember each one fondly.

      Feb 17, 2014 at 10:55 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • willji
      willji

      It doesn’t matter to me as long as the arse (ass) is good…

      Feb 20, 2014 at 5:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Maude
      Maude

      @jkb:

      Yeah, and it’s uncut.

      Above reported in Playboy
      He ‘whipped’ it out when a young lady said she never saw an uncut dick.

      Mar 15, 2014 at 9:31 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mayhem007
      Mayhem007

      Clearly this list must be pretty accurate. I mean, their sources are ex girlfriends! Not only would they know better than anyone about their dick size, but they would also tell the truth and not be at all bitter or spiteful after the breakup. Women, and exes in general, just don’t do that sort of thing!

      Mar 28, 2014 at 11:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • randeman
      randeman

      I had heard Colin was hung, so it’s nice to know there is photographic evidence at least somewhere.

      As for the others who had comments made by other people who had seen their dicks and not by the individual themselves, sorry, but when you’re talking about disparaging comments from “exes” their credibility to me is a big fat ZERO.

      Finally, poor Danny!

      Apr 12, 2014 at 4:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JusMe_DoinMe
      JusMe_DoinMe

      really I so happen to think Colin Farrell has nice package it would work well for me

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BlogShag
      BlogShag

      @Bob LaBlah: He’s not really a celebrity (actor, singer) he’s an emcee/host

      Aug 21, 2014 at 7:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BlogShag
      BlogShag

      Please, large penis or not, if Eminem, Ashton Kutcher, etc wanted to get me naked, my clothes would be off so fast….And dat ass and bank account. They’ve sure got those

      Aug 21, 2014 at 7:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BlogShag
      BlogShag

      @pauleky: I’ve had some of the most horrible sex with guys that look like models, and mind blowing sex with average looking, average endowed guys. But yeah, there really is such a thing as too small. I don’t want a clitoris, I want to play with a penis

      Aug 21, 2014 at 7:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • georgemed222
      georgemed222

      @Daveliam: Even big stars can have small packages, so we regular guys can feel a little better. One thing we can do is focus more on health, less on size; using a top drawer penis health cream (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil) can help keep maintain tool health.

      Oct 3, 2014 at 12:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
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      LeAnn McDonald

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      McCloud” Now Have Reason To Write Another Song…(Hint-Hint-Hint) “Jack”
      Listen-Up Here!
      ….Hell, We Can’t Find A Boeing 777 That’s Been Lost Only A
      Little Over A Few Months Now! Could It Be Because The Jet Had No Silver and Gold Aboard, Just People?….Go Figure……
      ….Good
      Thing That All The ….(“Anita And Kutchie Pelaez’s Key West Key Lime Pie
      Shops”)..Are All Showing Increasing Pie Sales Throughout All They’re
      Areas Of Distribution. Consumers Just Never Seem To Reach They’re Fill
      Of Those “Yummy Key Lime Pies” That The “Peleaz’s Working Partner Team”
      Continues To Produce. They Have Been Called “Love At First Bite”.
      .Everyone Agrees, That The Loving Couple Have Been Baking They’re
      Culinary Delectables Over 40-Years Now!….
      Isn’t She
      Wonderful?….”AAAHHHH”, The Magic Of The Gorgeous “Mrs. Anita Pelaez”
      Well She Is Something Else!…Honey, She’s The Real Thing Baby!….
      ….Who The Hell Does That “Kutchie Pelaez” Think That He Is?….”Frankie Valli” Or Some Big-Shot Like That?
      ….It’s No Wonder That People Are All Calling Him “The Most Interesting Man In The World”,…Big Girls Don’t Cry…Do They?….
      ….Don’t
      Cha Just Love Em!?….We Sure Do!….It is A Well Known Fact That “Captain
      Kutchie Pelaez” Knows Who Put The Bomp In The Bomp Shoo Bomp Shoo Bomp
      And The Rama In The Rama Lama Ding Dong!.
      ….He Even Knows Who Put The Dip In The Dip Da Dip Da Dip!…How Cool Is That?….
      ….a-good-1-4-u-2-n-joy-ok!..
      ….”Very Interesting”!….
      ….”Frankie Valli and Kutchie Pelaez”..Did Make-It As Big As “Frank Sanatra”.
      ….”Yeah”
      A Few Wise Guys They Certainly Were “Frankie Valli, Kutchie Pelaez and
      Joe Pesci”!….Together “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight”!…..
      ….Mafiosi
      Wanna-Bee’s. The Key Lime Pie “Wild Bunch”. They’ve Got Everyone
      Shaking In They’re Flip-Flops!….”Even “Jimmy Buffet” Doesn’t Know Where
      It’s Safe To Hide-Out”!….Especially Since Everyone Found-Out That
      “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” Was The One Who First Came-Up With The “Goody
      Goody”…“The Original Cheese Burgers In Paradise” And Kutchie’s Buddy
      .“Levi Stubbs”. Of The “Four Tops” Helped Him Name Them Way Back In The
      Early 70?s.
      ….Eli Wallach, Be Careful, Don’t Eat The “Cannoli’s”!…They’re Killer Man!….
      ….They Lived!…They Really Did!…Just Ask “Levi”!….
      ….I’d
      Give My Left “Nut” To Set Down With “Captain Kutchie Pelaez, Frankie
      Valli, Terry Levi, Joe Pesci, Bob Gaudio, Bob Crewe, Paul Shaffer, Bob
      De Niro, Tommy DeVito, Martin Scorsese, Clint East Wood, Bob Newhart And
      Yankee Jack Pittorino”! Rub Elbows And Shoot The Shit With That Whole
      Crew Of “Good Fellows” Or “Wise Guys” Or Whatever The Hell You Want To
      Call Them!….”Who Wouldn’t”?….
      ….I Believe That “Kutchie” First
      Sang “My Eyes Adored You” And “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” To His
      Lovely Bride “Anita” Way Back In The Seventies! ….Sounds Like A Love
      Story To Us!…A Very Good Yarn! “You” “You’re Good You”….
      ….That
      “Captain Kutchie” Always Lands Back On His Feet. No Matter How Tough
      The Situation Is He Always Comes Back Up On The Top Of The Heap, King Of
      The Hill! Everyone Knows That! Never Count The Captain Out No Matter
      How Down The Chips May..Appear!…… Remember That He Is Not Only “The
      World Famous Captain Kutchie Pelaez” But Please Keep In Mind That
      “Captain Kutchie” Is Also Considered “The Most Interesting Man In The
      World”!….Why Else Would Everyone Be Talking About Him And His
      Adventurous Wild And Crazy World Exploits, Treasure Hunting And
      Exploring, The Megalodon Teeth And Oh All Those Giant Reptile
      Exploits?…To Say “The Dude” Really Has Balls Is Quite An Understatement
      To Say The Least!….
      ….His Drop Dead Gorgeous Wife “Anita”
      And
      They’re Famous Key Lime Pies!….They’re World Famous Historic Key West
      Kutcharitaville Key Lime Pie Factory and Grill, Home Of The Famous
      “Goody Goody” Cheese Burgers In Paradise!….All Conveniently Located In
      NC Near The Famous “Biltmore House And Estate!….
      ….Yeah, You’re Good You. No You’re “DAMN GOOD YOU”….
      ….Also Add “The Two Yutes”….”What’s A Yute”? You Might Ask. Just Ask “Yankee Jack”…..
      …Marriage
      Lasts Forever and Ever, Two People Become One! A Covenant Between A
      Husband, His Wife And The Lord “Jesus” The Christ! Marriage, The Same
      Yesterday Today Tomorrow And Forever More! True Love Never Changes!
      Just
      Ask “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” He Knows!….That What The Lord Puts
      Together Can Never Be Broken!….That “Captain Kutchie” Really Knows His
      Stuff. He’s Mind Blowing To Say The Least!…
      ….”Captain Kutchie” Never
      Kisses Ass But If He Did Kiss An Ass It Would Probably Be His Beautiful
      Wife’s Ass!….You Go “Captain Kutchie”!….
      ….”Captain
      Kutchie”
      Always Said That To Him That “James Garner” Was To Him One Of The
      World’s Most Interesting Persons. So I Guess That This Key Lime Pie
      Should Be For You This Month “ROCKFISH”…(RIP)!….
      ….Only “Jim Rockford” Could Have Came Close To “Fred Thompson” In “Persecuted”, Fred Really Nailed It In This Flick!….
      ….”Captain Kutchie”, You Put You’re Cloth’s Back On, “You”!….
      ….Who Dat, Dat Say “Who Dat” Every Time Dat I Say Who Dat, “Who Dat”?….
      ….Nobody Be Done Does It Better Than The “Captain Kutchie” Be Done Did!….
      ….At A Time Like This, I Can’t Help But Think, What Would “Captain Kutchie” Say?….
      ….Yeah,
      With They’re Olive Oil Voice And Guinea Charm, The Damn Dago Wop
      Grease-Ball Goombahs Are Out To Steal Everyone’s Grease! The
      Scumbags!….That’s Probably What Captain Kutchie Might Say!…
      ….Looks Like That Scary Snow Snake!….”Albino Cobra”…..Wasting My Time….
      ….Anita
      and Captain Kutchie Pelaez’s Key Lime Pies Are Really As Good As
      Everyone Says They Are. The Proof Is In The Pudding, They’re That Damn
      Good!….
      ….With “Anita’s and Kutchie’s” World Famous Key Lime Pies You Will Always Eat, Drink and Be Murray!
      ….”Captain Kutchie” Of Key Lime Pie Fame Always Told Me “Keep You’re Friends Close But Keep You’re Enemies Closer”.
      ….1-4-u-2-c-i-c-u-2-ok-ok!
      ….123-testing-123…,.ok,
      that’s a go!….ok….go…….please go away now!……go to your room now!….well
      if you don’t go now, i will!….bye-bye….i am gone now, you can stop
      reading, cause i am gone……i am really gone now!
      ….i can’t believe that you are still reading this! you believe that?
      ….i can’t believe that we ate that whole key lime pie!…
      ….since
      “Rooms To Go” did good, maybe the “Pelaez’s” should change their name
      to “Key Lime Pies To Go”, Yeah-What Do You-All Think? Is That A
      Go?……go to your room now!….BYE!….

      ….With “Captain Kutchie” It Is Known As “The Battle Of The Bulge”!….,
      ….Ain’t It A Kick In The Head?…..Damn Straight It Is!….

      ….I Saw Captain Kutchie’s Dick Before…”OMG!!!”……Oh My, And What A Nice One He Surely Has, Yummy!….No Wonder He Is Such A Heart Throb!….

      Oct 11, 2014 at 5:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Trippy
      Trippy

      As ALL OF US know, checking out a guy’s flaccid rod and then passing judgement on it’s size is about as relevant as assuming someone’s IQ from the size of his skull. The length and thickness of an erect penis has almost nothing to do with what that penis looks like when soft. Add in the well-known fact that temperature affects the shape of a flaccid penis (and other factors) and the whole discussion craters. Maybe in the future we should limit our assessments of other men’s penises only when we have photos of them at full staff. At least then, we’d have an accurate and more honest collection of evidence on which to base our opinions.

      Nov 20, 2014 at 9:10 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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