Speed Demon Queers Make Straight Journo Feel Lazy

The Onion‘s Brandon Kelley wants to know one thing: why are gays so fucking efficient? An excerpt:

…It seems that no matter what I do, there’s always more. If they put another eight hours in the day, I might be able to catch up on the laundry list of chores I have, or even just my laundry, if I were lucky. But you know who really gets it done? Homosexuals.

I know what you’re saying: Brandon, you’re just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I’m saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight guys look bad.

We’re sorry, Brandon. Here’s some advice – everyday when you wake up, pretend like there’s a giant vagina right on your heels. It keeps us running straight through the day (insert rimshot here).