Hi, readers! Editor Andrew Belonsky here. I rarely write in first person unless in interview mode, but there’s something I’d like to discuss with you – something very important that requires your undivided attention. (Not pictured.)
Now, you may be surprised to hear this, but my penis got grabbed three times last week. Three times! That’s pretty incredible for someone who rarely leaves his desk and hasn’t had sex since 1873.
Under different circumstances I would have been thankful for such a high volume of phallic attention, but none of the aforementioned gropes were invited – or welcome.
Boy can’t catch a break in this town…
A former lover launched the initial digital invasion, which caught me off guard and elicited what can only be described as a shrieking rant on the parameters of personal space.
He defended himself by saying, “But we’ve had sex!,” which only fueled by burst of hysterics, “A past love life does not extend to the present! Just because you’ve had my penis once doesn’t make it yours!”
He failed to see the logic.
My groin again came under attack the following night, when a drunken acquaintance took it upon himself to give me a vice like squeeze. I would have socked him one, but he’d already teetered into the crowd. I also suspected that a confrontation would bring on another below-the-belt blitz. My boys were already frazzled and couldn’t handle the stress.
The final intrusion happen over the weekend. Some stranger – a perfect fucking stranger! – decided to get fresh and went in like a cock hungry vulture – no doubt a familiar comparison for this particular specimen, who was neither attractive nor charming. Granted we were in a bar – the prime location for genital raids – but that’s hardly an excuse. Involuntary hand seizure or inoperable brain tumor? Those are excuses, especially if employed together as symptom and malady.
Don’t get me wrong, dear reader. I’m hardly a prude. I have been known to enjoy a penis or two. And I hope one day to enjoy another penis or two. I do not, however, appreciate grabby Jacks.
I’m sick and tired of some gays thinking they can yank another man’s dick just because they’re willing to suck it. Or perhaps because they want to suck it. Yes, a little penis flip among friends or teammates can be fun, but a grab, grope or squeeze are not convivial. They’re sleazy, cheap and, worst of all, tacky. Ewww.
Before you all start screaming and crying that I’m overreacting or being surly or something, let it be known that I’m not alone in this complaint. One of my friends, also of the homosexual variety, voiced similar grievances: “As much of a slut as I am or was, it still makes me feel violated. I am all about sexual relationships, but only when it is mutual and usually behind closed doors. If I wanted to be groped, I would be a stripper.” And even strippers have limits!
Let this rant be a lesson to you not-so-gents: just because a homo likes cock doesn’t mean he wants all up on his junk. Some of us may, but not all – and certainly not me. That’s my penis and it goes where I tell it. Usually.