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Suckesspool: Diary Of a Sex-Obsessed Neurotic Who Can Never Get Enough

Meet Suckcesspool, a 30-year-old self-proclaimed sex addict with a penchant for drugs, neurosis, and hooking-up with hot men. He’ll be dropping in to over-share. In his first column, Suckcesspool recounts the early development of his underwear fetish, how he tried to turn himself straight, and how it feels to have God hate you so fucking much.

Wrestling With Desire

I started masturbating to pro-wrestling around age 3. I remember all the greats — Rick Rude, Tom Zenk, Alex Blaze — all sweaty in their colored undies, grappling to pin each other down. 1… 2…. 3…! Then during kindergarten story time, we all sat cross-legged on the floor and the boy in front of me leaned forward to hear better. His shirt lifted over the red waistband of his Underoos and I began rubbing my crotch. It felt good. And I had no words for my actions or their causes then, but at age 30, I can say, there’s nothing like mouthing the hard pouch and rounded cheeks of a stud in briefs. I did it just moments ago.

Very early on, I began paying attention to the underwear of my elementary school friends. I watched Bryan sleeping, his white Hanes briefs covering his perfect skateboarder’s ass. Paul’s open robe revealed the bulge in his blue fashion briefs as he sat reading to me in bed. I wrestled all night with my Asian pal, pushing our crotches together as we panted and grappled, pinning each other down again and again and again.

From middle school through high school, I carried around a coded list of all the boys I knew: their underwear preferences, body type, and my imagined cock sizes for each of them. I shoplifted underwear from department stores —thongs, briefs and athletic shorts wadded into my crotch. I tucked issues of Inches, Honcho, and Mandate into my waistband and walked out of Barnes and Noble sweating profusely with a boner. I went home, locked the bathroom door, massaged my throbbing prick through the stolen underwear, flipped to the biggest cock in the magazine and fondled myself until the pouch became moist with precum. I shot a convulsing load as quietly as possible into the sink while my brother and his jocky friends played Mortal Kombat shirtless in the adjoining room.

They had no idea that sometimes I jerked off to them, putting them in underwear and having them battle one another, wrenching each another into sexually-humiliating submission holds, their hard dicks smothering each other’s faces, forcefully jerking each other off until… until… “FINISH HIM!!” Ughnnn…. my hot load spurted onto my fist and into the shower drain. And then I toweled off, got dressed and pretended to read a book as they sat half-naked in our bedroom and battling one another to the death.

My Baptist God didn’t approve and I didn’t imagine my zealous mom or abusive dad would either. I grew up in the height of the AIDS epidemic with the Moral Majority reminding me how God had sent the disease to get rid of scum like me. I knew what a faggot was — my dad had a hairdresser — and I wasn’t gonna be one. Faggots sucked at Field Day (like me), got called “pussy” (like me), and had a lot of female friends (just like me). A high school acquaintance came out and he became a lisping, over-opinionated, sparkly-dressed, bed-hopping, AIDS walking, techno-loving, gay culture obsessed queen. He looked how I felt and I feared anyone who looked at me knew we were no different. But I didn’t want to be a femmy punchline, an AIDS-ridden pariah on Tammy Faye’s talk show, or another abomination burning in hell — God gives so goddamned much.

To scare the fear of God into us teenagers, my mom made us watch The Omen Parts 1, 2, & 3, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the antichrist, Damien Thorn. He was born evil, he didn’t want to be evil. Who would choose a life that meant being hunted down and stabbed by religious zealots? I couldn’t be gay, an embodiment of such unnatural sin. I was a good kid. I wanted a wife and kids, I wanted to become a teacher. Now some parent would accuse me of molesting their child, some drunken fratnoy would stomp my face in and leave my eye leaking from its broken socket.

By:           Suckcesspool
On:           Aug 27, 2010
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

  • 48 Comments
    • EdWoody
      EdWoody

      100 dicks is nothing. You’re just enjoying yourself. Continue doing so, but also continue being safe.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 3:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • pete
      pete

      Um, Sex Addicts Anonymous ain’t workin’ for this guy. I feel like I need to shower again before going home.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 3:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lanjier
      Lanjier

      I identified with Damien too. He really was this kind of gay messianic creature. I kind of cheered for him.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 3:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
      PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS

      Ummmm, What?

      To all you guys who complained about Davey Wavey:
      Are ya freakin happy now???? :p

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      Not a wrestling fan.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Sean
      Sean

      @EdWoody: Seriously?…

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Adam
      Adam

      @pete: I agree, I feel like I need the full Silkwood right now.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bryan Harris
      Bryan Harris

      All our stories need to be heard, even though some people find them unacceptable or unrelatable.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daez
      Daez

      Wow, this dude needs some self-respect. Seriously, and I’m not saying that to be mean. He simply lacks self-respect. Its ok to fuck 10 guys a week and suck off 100 as long as you are overly safe about it (that includes actually knowing the guys and their backgrounds and using protection) and you actually want to do it. Its not ok to judge yourself or to be a “whore” because someone else wants you to. Others have no right to start passing around labels.

      As a kid that had two trusted, loving family members tell him he was condemned to never getting a girlfriend (little did they know how much that didn’t matter) if he didn’t lose 20 pounds, I kind of know a little something about letting others label you. To be honest, this dude just reminds me a lot of how much it sucks to try to live your life with everyone else in mind instead of yourself.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daez
      Daez

      @Michael: I’m not sure how you can look at The Miz, Evan Borne or Randy Orton and not want to watch that get beaten down by other guys.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • NAP79
      NAP79

      What is this contrived nonsense? What is it supposed to be posing as? At least you can look at Davey Wavey with the sound off.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 4:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Eddy
      Eddy

      To each his own, guess we all have the right to not read. It’s a shame DH feels he needs this particular type of column on his site. I’d much rather read Michael Musto than this idiot. One more reason to stay away from this site.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 6:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Enron
      Enron

      Well, I kinda got hard at the beginning, but got soft at the end. I think you really need to re-evaluate yourself by just taking a break from whereever you are or whoever you are surrounded by. Sex seems to be very accessible to you and that’s the guilty pleasure here that makes it so much of a risk for you. We have just read the sad stories of two persons here on Queerty who are both HIV positive because of promiscuous behavior and the other because of drugs and self hate and its only after getting the virus they say it sucks or they get sober and start loving themselves.

      You sound like a perfect candidate or already on that path. Think about this, you can make a u-turn and come back to reality. Whatever happened in your past is what is affecting you. It sounds like you have not come out to your parents or family. But even if you have not, who cares? What I am realizing about humans, we are all different, even if we are blood relatives. So, if your parents are going to hate you for who you are, then f**k them, you just happened to have those parents. Its like the lottery, you just don’t know if you might win or not. You happen to end up with a non-winning ticket of parents/family who don’t condone of your sexual orientation.

      Still its no excuse to go play Russian Roulette and throw away your life. Yes, you are gay, nothing wrong with that, you are perfect a’okay, just understand that you are on a path of destructive behavior. The help group you are going to is not working. You need to pull yourself together, you need to stop thinking of every guy as a chance to release, you need to surround yourself with new friends and stop mixing up with the easy people. In fact, you need to surround yourself with both self respecting, open minded gay and straight people.

      I also think you are bored and need something to do with your life. Go to a Gay shelter, volunteer, provide support for persons living with AIDS, get an experience of what it is like for people who use to be like you, but are either suffering or are stuck with taking pills each day just to stay alive.

      You need to really try and find God for yourself too. Think about it, if God hated you then its obvious that God has issues himself or he just likes to play stupid jokes on people. Love yourself, work with whats here and now and stop worrying about what he thinks or your parents think.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 6:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Enron
      Enron

      Well, I kinda got hard at the beginning, but got soft at the end. I think you really need to re-evaluate yourself by just taking a break from whereever you are or whoever you are surrounded by. Intercourse seems to be very accessible to you and that’s the guilty pleasure here that makes it so much of a risk for you. We have just read the sad stories of two persons here who are both HIV positive because of promiscuous behavior and the other because of drugs and self hate and its only after getting the virus they say it sucks or they get sober and start loving themselves.

      You sound like a perfect candidate or already on that path. Think about this, you can make a u-turn and come back to reality. Whatever happened in your past is what is affecting you. It sounds like you have not come out to your parents or family. But even if you have not, who cares? What I am realizing about humans, we are all different, even if we are blood relatives. So, if your parents are going to hate you for who you are, then to hell with them, you just happened to have those parents. Its like the lottery, you just don’t know if you might win or not. You happen to end up with a non-winning ticket of parents/family who don’t condone of your sexual orientation.

      Still its no excuse to go play Russian Roulette and throw away your life. Yes, you are gay, nothing wrong with that, you are perfect a’okay, just understand that you are on a path of destructive behavior. The help group you are going to is not working. You need to pull yourself together, you need to stop thinking of every guy as a chance to release, you need to surround yourself with new friends and stop mixing up with the easy people. In fact, you need to surround yourself with both self respecting, open minded gay and straight people.

      I also think you are bored and need something to do with your life. Go to a Gay shelter, volunteer, provide support for persons living with AIDS, get an experience of what it is like for people who use to be like you, but are either suffering or are stuck with taking pills each day just to stay alive.

      You need to really try and find God for yourself too. Think about it, if God hated you then its obvious that God has issues himself or he just likes to play stupid jokes on people. Love yourself, work with whats here and now and stop worrying about what he thinks or your parents think.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 6:49 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • whatever
      whatever

      Queerty digest version:

      I suck some dick every now and then, watch some porn, and am racked with Christianist guilt about it because of my hick upbringing.

      Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 7:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daez
      Daez

      @whatever: Its a lot more complicated than that, and the person writing it is really talented at drawing you in. As someone with “hick” upbringing, I can tell you that getting past that guilt is hard but quite doable.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 8:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scott ny'er
      scott ny'er

      he never swallows? not even precum?

      Aug 27, 2010 at 8:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • T-in-Cali
      T-in-Cali

      wow, i’m shocked and amazed at this article

      but i loved it

      it was scandalous and insane.

      I want to have coffee with the author.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Greg from Denver
      Greg from Denver

      Hey Suckcesspool,

      I enjoyed your column. I’m a little older so wrestling had different stars back when I was growing up, but I do remember wrestling and body builder magazines as the only source of nearly naked built guys when I was growing up. That and super-hero comic books.

      I think some of the other commenters do protest too much, but a friend shared his definition of what a slut is with me when I was first coming out. He said all a slut is “is anyone who is getting more sex” than whoever is doing the defining.

      I look forward to your future columns.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 9:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Will
      Will

      Awesome article.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 9:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • shanelle
      shanelle

      What is a “fratnoy” and should I be afraid of them?
      Pro-wrestling is the opposite of anti-wrestling. Did you mean pro wrestling?

      Gotta run………….

      Aug 27, 2010 at 10:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Sceth
      Sceth

      @Daez: I find it odd that you would call the writer talented. My complaint was going to be that the subject is remarkably mundane and its delivery is remarkably talentless.

      As a TV character, I would want him killed off quickly unless he had some cute and weird quirks to make him interesting. Even so, the drug habit that we should apparently be anticipating makes me care even less.

      Aug 27, 2010 at 10:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • slobone
      slobone

      Yeah, he’s got a lot of nerve coming on a gay website and telling the truth about his sex life. Especially since it hasn’t been approved by the official Gay Respectability Police. I’ll bet he’s even had sex with guys without waiting for the third date…

      Aug 27, 2010 at 10:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • D.R.A.
      D.R.A.

      Masturbating to the thought of your brother? Classy!

      Aug 28, 2010 at 1:07 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      People work in spectrums of opposites. One guy is totally sexless and the opposite is this guy. It’s the way things are, opposites. He just has to get used to not feeling guilty about his end of the spectrum. I think his path is not about reducing his sex drive, but controlling it and not feeling bad in the process. He’s not a slut by any means, he just has a high sex drive.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 2:07 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jeff r
      jeff r

      A very talented writer. Great article. Interesting, provocative and thought provoking. Looking forward to reading more from the author.
      JeffR

      Aug 28, 2010 at 2:08 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Uppity
      Uppity

      I loved this piece. It was frank, refreshing and struck multiple chords about my own youth. And yes, jerking off to pro wrestling was hot and about the only outlet I had back then too. Please continue to write, that was terrific.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 2:35 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @iDavid: And a slut has a low sex drive but a lot of sex?

      Aug 28, 2010 at 2:49 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chipsy
      Chipsy

      I’m confused. Gay role models want monogamy, marriage equality and a white picket fence. Don’t they?

      Aug 28, 2010 at 5:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mike in Asheville, nee "in Brooklyn"
      Mike in Asheville, nee "in Brooklyn"

      YIKES! This is way too amateurish on so many levels.

      The story telling part isn’t very hot or exciting — check out Nifty is you want to read of several thousands of gay sex stories. I know there are some pretty sick guys (seems like many are Catholic priests) who find young children exciting, but do the young children feel the same?

      The content of the article is not very credible. Masturbating at age 3? At most, some exploring of your body, but consciously beating off, I don’t believe it at all. I remember funny feelings about Ricky Nelson (Ozzie & Harriet), Tony Dow (Beaver Cleaver’s older brother) and Bonanza’s Little Joe and something hot about Hoss too. But that was age 9-10+. But not J/O until 11ish.

      He’s 30; does that really qualify as growing up in the age of AIDS? Hardly. He never knew anyone who was sick; never knew anyone who died. Perhaps more recently but not during his “growing up” years.

      He’s 30 and has suck 100 cocks. Thats pretty minor league. He first has sex with guys at age 21, so actively gay for 8-9 years OR sucking off someone new once a month. That doesn’t make him a slut in my book. From age 18-25 I was typically visiting a bathhouse once a week and engaging with 3-4 guys each visit. And I saw plenty of other regulars who were engaging similarly. From 26 – 40, still doing a lot more than one-a-month. Certainly have slowed down to here and there at 50.

      And to top it off, he’s as he says fucked in the head. Only pays safe NOT EVEN SWALLOWING, yet he feels he deserves getting HIV. The only part he has right is that he is fucked up.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 10:10 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Andrew
      Andrew

      What total crap and self indulged drivel this article contains. It reads like a script to a porn movie or a trashy exploitation novel. The author has a very limited out look on life – masturbation and f*cking wrestlers – how insightful. I never thought I would say this but bring on Davey Wavey.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 10:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • sexygay90
      sexygay90

      Luka Magnotta[img]http://i455.photobucket.com/albums/qq280/coldasice19/l_1006c67202b94be1ad3716f752e1f88f.jpg[/img]

      Aug 28, 2010 at 11:30 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • burtsfield
      burtsfield

      This guy, whoever he is, is putting himself out there, taking a risk, and he gets beat up for his writing style.

      Have some compassion guys! If you don’t like his writing, that is fine. At least give the guy credit for being brave enough to deal with his issues.

      Feeling better about myself at the expense of another human being is a trap I continually work on avoiding. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t. I am taught to approach the world with loving kindness. I continually try to achieve that goal

      Aug 28, 2010 at 12:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Distingue Traces
      Distingue Traces

      Did your mom seriously try to use the Omen movies as theological instruction?

      That seems … unusual.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 1:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Pete
      Pete

      I did the tittie switcheroo too, and you aint much of a slut but you might wanna look into getting some other interests or else that pervert mind of yours is never gonna get any rest. i know it sounds stupid but im exactly the same way especially when im in areas where all the guys i wanna fuck are straight, i just cant stop trying to eye fuck them. its embarrassing.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 3:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Enron
      Enron

      Well, I kinda got hard at the beginning, but got soft at the end. I think you really need to re-evaluate yourself by just taking a break from whereever you are or whoever you are surrounded by. Intercourse seems to be very accessible to you and that’s the guilty pleasure here that makes it so much of a risk for you. We have just read the sad stories of two persons here who are both HIV positive because of promiscuous behavior and the other because of drugs and self hate and its only after getting the virus they say it sucks or they get sober and start loving themselves.

      You sound like a perfect candidate or already on that path. Think about this, you can make a u-turn and come back to reality. Whatever happened in your past is what is affecting you. It sounds like you have not come out to your parents or family. But even if you have not, who cares? What I am realizing about humans, we are all different, even if we are blood relatives. So, if your parents are going to hate you for who you are, then to hell with them, you just happened to have those parents. Its like the lottery, you just don’t know if you might win or not. You happen to end up with a non-winning ticket of parents/family who don’t condone of your sexual orientation.

      Still its no excuse to go play Russian Roulette and throw away your life. Yes, you are gay, nothing wrong with that, you are perfect a’okay, just understand that you are on a path of destructive behavior. The help group you are going to is not working. You need to pull yourself together, you need to stop thinking of every guy as a chance to release, you need to surround yourself with new friends and stop mixing up with the easy people. In fact, you need to surround yourself with both self respecting, open minded gay and straight people.

      I also think you are bored and need something to do with your life. Go to a Gay shelter, volunteer, provide support for persons living with AIDS, get an experience of what it is like for people who use to be like you, but are either suffering or are stuck with taking pills each day just to stay alive.

      You need to really try and find the Creator for yourself too. Think about it, if the Creator hated you then its obvious that the Creator has issues himself or he just likes to play stupid jokes on people. Love yourself, work with whats here and now and stop worrying about what he thinks or your parents think.

      This site seems to have a block on using certain words such as the popular p word for organ, or G word for Creator. Weird.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 3:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Flipper
      Flipper

      @Chipsy: I’m confused. Gay role models want monogamy, marriage equality and a white picket fence. Don’t they?

      Yes, gay role models may very well want those things….but I think many see the bigger picture and want to be able to lead whatever type of life they want without society telling them they can’t. Whether it’s picket fences or a different cock each night, the freedom to live one’s own life is what many activists are fighting for.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 3:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • nineinchnail
      nineinchnail

      I cant tell you how many Saturday afternoons I spend in front of the TV in my room yanking my rod watching hot young jobbers getting the snot kicked out of them my hot heels. Or wrestling with friends wearing just underwear and watching our cocks swell up. I so want to read more of this guys stuff!!!!

      Aug 28, 2010 at 6:36 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Greg Theron
      Greg Theron

      That photo at the very top is hot. Juicyyy.

      Aug 28, 2010 at 8:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • S
      S

      @sexygay90: Brave? Issues? Lol. He isn’t taking a risk. This is hardly even sensational.

      Aug 29, 2010 at 4:21 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • S
      S

      ^ Above directed at Burtsfield

      Aug 29, 2010 at 4:22 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • L.
      L.

      I remember people getting angry about straights depicting us with every single cliché and stereotype they could find. And no-one objects to this?

      Don’t mistake me: I don’t give an effing d*mn what life people choose to lead. Live and let live, you know. I don’t want people judging me, so I try my best not to judge others (and fail, often, but don’t claim to be all that good.)

      Yet – I am not sure this is really needed, and not because the guy is a self-confessed sex slut, but because being one, without much else to say, doesn’t really add anything to the picture. The only worth this could have would be the writing, but as others pointed out, it’s kind of really bad.

      (100 c*cks? In *ten* years? That’s not even one a month! Or should it have read 1,000 and it’s just another Queerty typo?)

      Aug 29, 2010 at 2:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • L.
      L.

      (And yes, this makes Davey look almost remotely interesting, and yes, it hurts admitting it :))

      Aug 29, 2010 at 2:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • joy.division
      joy.division

      I certainly wouldn’t consider myself a sex addict, but there were parts of this article that I could really relate to. I’ve lived in Texas my whole life, and while it may be relatively simple to come out in a place like San Francisco or New York, coming out in a state like Texas can be very difficult. Not only does one have to worry about the intolerance of the Church, the issue of masculinity is a huge concern. Men in Texas and other states in the South are expected to act a very specific way, and if you don’t act that way, you’re labeled a “pussy” or a “faggot”–even if you’re straight. I enjoyed this article very much.

      Aug 30, 2010 at 1:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • L.
      L.

      @Distingue Traces: There are far weirder movie scripts in the Bible than that of The Omen :)

      Aug 30, 2010 at 7:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • John
      John

      Wow. The only thing I could think the whole way through this was, “It’s like he’s inside my head.”

      Sep 1, 2010 at 9:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • batamwait
      batamwait

      hello i like your cmts can we be friends and moree i am black african gay azitoluziano@yahoo.com

      May 2, 2012 at 11:50 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • batamwait
      batamwait

      My name is Luziano i am African black gay looking for you if you are interesting with black gay with 9inches dick email me at azitoluziano@yahoo.com

      May 2, 2012 at 11:54 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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