“As an openly gay and single male living in Montreal, I’ve enjoyed the dating scene here in our beautiful city,” David Easey writes in a powerful new op-ed published by his college newspaper The Concordian. “Meeting and engaging with people from all walks of life has always been a passion of mine.”
He continues: “Things all changed one year ago.”
One evening, Easey went over to a man’s house. The two had been on a few dates and things were going well between them.
“Thinking we’d just talk and have a glass of wine, I was looking forward to a quiet evening,” Easey writes. “But to my surprise, I soon discovered the true nature of his intentions.”
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Shortly after Easey arrived, the man started coming onto him.
“He kept making sexual advances, which left me caught off-guard and slightly uncomfortable,” he recalls. “His constant persistence eventually ate away at my protective barriers and I was soon unclothed.”
Easey says he initially consented, albeit hesitantly, to having sex, but quickly changed his mind.
“I told the individual to stop,” he says. “He didn’t.”
What happened next was truly a nightmare. The man continued sexually assaulting him, despite Easey’s pleas to be left alone. When he was finished and Easey begged to leave, the man refused to let him, insisting he spend the night.
“I managed to leave sometime later, feeling defiled and vulnerable,” he writes. “I blocked his number as soon as I got in my car and knew I’d never see him again.”
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Afterwards, Easey tried going about his life like nothing had happened. It wasn’t until days later that he was struck by the severity of the situation.
“It hit me like a ton of bricks,” he writes. “My consent had been violated and I was harmed by someone I apparently trusted. Suddenly my reality felt like it was shifting and I saw everything through the grey prism of the assault. I blamed myself harshly for being so naive and began to hate myself for allowing this to happen.”
Easey then made the brave decision to go to his university’s Sexual Assault Resource Center, which he says helped him immensely.
“As awkward and painful it was to walk to the Sexual Assault Resource Centre in the dimly lit GM building, I knew talking about it would prove to be cathartic—especially with a professional.”
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“It’s been almost one year since the assault and I remain defiant,” he reflects. “The incident may have affected me in many ways, but it has not changed the fabric of my being. I’m still dating, socializing and studying like any normal adult in their early 20s.”
Easey admits that some days are harder than others, “mainly because the memories sometimes come flowing back, especially when I have a drink.” Intimacy, too, is more difficult than before, “because it’s hard to lower my guard,” he says.
He concludes: “I take solace in knowing that I’m not alone fighting this battle. By shining a beacon of light on this dark subject, it is my hope that it may encourage those suffering alone in the shadows to come forward and seek the proper help.”
Related: Sexual-Assault Campaign Addresses Gay Community Head On
bottom250
I am so crying over this. This poor man my heart goes out to him. Sweethearts some men can be so cruel.
onthemark
The headline is misleading. Nowhere does it say “he refuses to be a victim,” either in this article or in the original linked article. Indeed he is pretty much wallowing in being a victim. Which is okay. It’s just that headline writers nowadays seem to have this “refuses to be a victim” default key that kicks in automatically. There’s nothing wrong with the word “victim”; if you’re a victim of sexual assault you’re a victim of sexual assault.
But: “His constant persistence eventually ate away at my protective barriers and I was soon unclothed.” As if by magic! Ah, the passive voice.
“I told him I wanted to leave. He physically prevented this” – how exactly, you’re a grown man, and you knew him for several weeks, can you be more specific? – “and told me I had to stay all night.” – so what? – “I managed to leave sometime later….” Well, uh, of course you did.
I’m autistic and similar stuff happened to me, or almost happened to me, 20+ times when I was young. I advise this guy to stop drinking so damn much and take a fucking martial arts class.
Paco
It’s up to the individual to decide if they have been violated sexually, but I have been in his position a few times and never felt like I was assaulted. A guy that is persistent with his sexual advances is not a rapist in my book. Did he tone down his story? Because I am not reading anything that would qualify as horrific, unless he is speaking of his regret. Sometimes after sex regret can feel horrific when alcohol has been involved.
onthemark
@Paco: Right, another headline problem re: “horrific rape” when the author doesn’t claim any such thing. And if the easily-horrified CSW types at the Concordia Sexual Assault Resource Centre didn’t suggest filing criminal charges, that indicates something too.
I agree with you that “It’s up to the individual to decide if they have been violated sexually.” It’s okay if the author felt that, but I don’t get what he’s trying to accomplish here. He’s not even telling the assaulter anything! – notice how he immediately blocked the guy’s number (IF he calls, which seems unlikely) – so unless that guy happens to read the article and feel guilty (which seems unlikely), wtf.
CarrieV
To all saying that this was a case of “post-sex regret”… NO, IT WASN’T. He said no multiple times, and when he finally realized his pleas of ‘no’ were going unheard and the guy started to assault him, he was having INSTANT regret… not “post-sex” regret, but INSTANT regret.
He was made to take all of the unwanted sex (reminder: he continually said no to it, so it was UNwanted sex), then afterward he was not allowed to leave until presumably his rapist was sleeping.
This is an unfortunately pretty typical post-rape experience for many victims of the crime. You don’t want to talk about it, you damned sure don’t want it dredged up at the police station, court, or local newspaper, you want to forget it ever happened. And @onthemark, sexual assault centers do not force anyone to report their assaults. They would have given him a fact sheet that would contain the pros and cons of reporting one’s assault. He did what MANY victims do, and he chose to not be made a public rape victim. It really sucks that we trade off comfort of our identity, but now have left a serial rapist on the streets to offend again. There often is no perfect ending to being raped.
Paco
@CarrieV: Sorry, but unless the guy was physically holding him hostage, locked a deadbolt on the door, or violently threatening him, he had ample opportunity to excuse himself from the situation. If he felt in danger and like he couldn’t escape, he could excuse himself to the bathroom and phone for help. Who doesn’t have a cell phone nowadays?
This is the part that makes me question things… ““His constant persistence eventually ate away at my protective barriers and I was soon unclothed.”. Personally, I love when men are persistent like that. I always thought the chase was part of the mating game. If I absolutely wasn’t interested in a man, I never had a problem saying so and excusing myself from the situation even if they get angry. Maybe I am just more permissive when men come on to me and not afraid to refuse them sex when not interested. I guess I have been “raped” too many times to count.
robho3
@onthemark: perhaps yours autism explains your lack of compassion for this person. You were not there and you do don’t know what transpired. If someone’s say no that means no. I’ve had a few bad hook ups and if I say no I dont want to do this the other person always stops and leaves- that is what is supposed to happen – obviously it didn’t for this man…. And that is wrong.
onthemark
@CarrieV: Since when are rape victims “public”? They’re famously NOT public, everybody knows that.
As I already said I’ve personally been in similar (some worse) situations and yeah didn’t report it because of the tremendous soul-crushing hassle, and fearing homophobic cops (you’re apparently female) but again what exactly is he trying to accomplish by writing this? And why did he consider it so-o-o important to tell us that he blocked the guy’s phone number? That part seems really odd to me. (Reading between the lines I suspect they’re both alcoholics-in-training.)
Philip Jones
so sad a human can do something like this to other human keep your head up young man you have people that care about and seeing you are fighting this unthinkble thing that happen to you
onthemark
@robho3: “perhaps yours autism explains your lack of compassion for this person.” Nice, yeah I figured someone would pull that NT bullsh*t. GFY.
“You were not there and you do don’t know what transpired.” Oh dear, after he writes this badly-written article we still don’t know what “transpired”? Gee, how’d that happen? Nothing is stopping him from, you know, actually EXPLAINING IT.
Paco
@Paco: And… I never thought I would live to see the day that being seduced, (which is exactly what the author describes happening), being considered as rape.
onthemark
@Paco: Yup, he kept “insisting he spend the night.” One of those romantic-type rap*sts who likes to cuddle. Not one of those cads who kicks you out with just a subway token at 3 am.
BeauBoi69
I ~very~ rarely comment, and Imwould never have thought that I would one day comment on an article with the word “rape” in the title and ~not~ side with the victim….however, here we are….
I can only think of two possibilitidea (worth mentioning…):
A) The author left out necessary details (like violent behavior, forced bondage, threats, ect.).
B) The author has confused his feelings of regret with feelings of victimization.
~Beaux
Kevin J Desmond
I can and do understand how he feels, when I was 6 years old I was molested by my school’s doctor. I knew I did nothing wrong and I told everybody what he did. I didn’t know for the longest time that by telling people what he did to me I took away whatever power he may have thought he had over me. Thankfully a number of years later other kids told their parents what that doctor did to them, he died years later after losing everything he had. For those out there who were raped or molested .. TELL SOMEBODY WHAT HAPPENED AND KNOW IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. Once you tell people that person loses whatever power or hold they have on you .. if any.
joeyty
@Kevin J Desmond: You were six years old ! That’s hardly comparable to this alleged adult/adult account.
James Peacock
I’ve never been subjected to that and hope I never do. But my heart goes out to all who have. No one should ever have to experience that. Ever.
rhino79
“…and I was soon unclothed.” Ummm, okay. Did your clothes magically fly off by themselves? Did you get too close to a candle and burn them off?
You had multiple dates with this man, went to his house, had drinks, and took your clothes off. You consented to sex. End of story.
Chris
If we agree that women have an absolute right to naming their sexual experiences, then so do men. And this man is saying that what happened to him was rape. I’ll accept his word for it; though like many readers, I think a DA would have a very difficult time successfully-prosecuting the guy who raped him. And at the very least, the other guy is no gentleman.
Daggerman
..this is annoying, if you are naked and get into bed with a guy and he wants to put his erect penis inside you and cum I really do not see that as being rape! OK, considering in this case the so-called victim was already unclothed tells us so far he should have realized what was going to happen. I go mad at these idiots who get a guy so worked up then they all of a sudden yell I don’t want to have sex!!! I mean for crying out loud.. What’s going on? You should understand another human beings sexual instinct, and know that if you don’t want sex you should make that very clear right at the beginning of your encounter!!!