'Tis the season to make promises to yourself. Whether it's losing weight, taking up scuba diving or calling your mother, the new year is a time to resolve to do new things and be a better person. We've got the personal covered, but what about the gay community as a whole?
2008 will be remembered as a big year for the gays—we won rights, then lost them and then caught the world's attention by making our voices heard. At the same time, the world of gay media continues to shrink, LGBT folks continue to be beaten and killed both at home and abroad, gay leadership often seems missing in action and, if you're a gay minority, you're getting the short end of two already pretty-damn-short sticks. We can't control Obama or Congress or the homophobes who will call us names, deny us our rights or, in far too many cases, still turn to physical violence. But the best way of controlling our destiny is to start with ourselves. Here are 10 new year's resolutions we'd like to see the gay community keep:
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In this installment of the Slate-sponsored "Dear Prudence," a "Disturbed Daughter" asks for advice on what to do about her father, who seems to have just started a relationship with an old army buddy. Prudence suggests either a. ignoring the problem or b. having a heart-to-heart with dear old dad, reassure him he's still the tops and be happy he's so gay happy.
This, we think, would be a disastrous, embarrassingly sappy route. Thus, we offer our own advice, after the jump.
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This fake commercial airs before the Aqua Team Hunger Force movie and offers some friendly advice on how to be a considerate movie-goer. We're especially fond of when the demon gum drop swears,
If I see you videotaping this movie, Satan will rain down your throat with hot acid and dissolve your testicles and turn your guts into snakes.
This shit's the hottest song since that "Read A Motherfucking Book" PSA.
[Via Best Week Ever, yo!]
Another month, another Dear Abby column involving some poor woman who lacks even an ounce of gaydar. We still get a kick out of the Texas women who had no idea she was a fag hag for most of her life.
Now we hear from “Shattered in South Carolina,” who describes an image we’ve seen much too often in some cheap gay porn.
I came home and caught my husband, "Wes," in bed having sex with my brother. It was a shock, to say the least. That evening, they had gone to a bar and drank heavily. Someone gave them a pill of unknown origin. Wes says he doesn't remember anything until I walked in and started slapping some sense into him.
We didn’t think anyone bought the “I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing” excuse anymore.
Abby’s response is much nicer than what our own response would have been. Lady, he’s a big old ‘mo!
Abbey’s polite response after the jump.
WIFE CAN'T SHAKE THE MEMORY OF HUSBAND AND BROTHER IN BED [Dear Abby]
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We seem to forget why we the people in power. And we read advice columns like this and we’re reminded why we have to suffer through another few years with George Bush.
Wondering, a Denver housewife, recently witnessed her two gay neighbors kissing each other goodbye one morning. It’s not the PDA she has a problem with. It’s the gay PDA. She went to her pastor for advice (natch) on how to deal with the situation and he encouraged to write a letter declaring her opposition to said smooching, have everyone on the block sign it, and deliver it to their door. We’ll let Wondering tell the rest of the story herself:
Since I delivered it, I've not been able to get them to even engage me in conversation. I offer greetings but they've chosen to ignore me. They have made it so uncomfortable for the other neighbors and me by not even acknowledging our presence. How would you suggest we open communications with them and explain to them that we value their contributions to the neighborhood but will not tolerate watching unnatural and disturbing behavior.
We love Ask Amy’s response. She’s no Judge Judy, but much nastier than that old bitty Dear Abbey. Still both of their readers are just as oblivious.
Amy’s response after the jump.
Apology might help ease tension in neighborhood [Ask Amy]
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We don’t take the time to read Dear Abby on a regular basis. We normally prefer to dispense advice and not receive it.
But this Abby entry we stumbled upon made us realize how clueless some poor people can be.
We present to you “Chaotic in Dallas" who, confused, writes to ask Abby if she thinks her (male) best friend might prefer either bush or penis:
As close as I am to him, I can't tell one way or the other. His mannerisms are effeminate, he doesn't involve himself with women, he loves to shop with me and his mother, his taste is exquisite — among other stereotypical "signs."
Is the oblivious Chaotic a fag hag? You betcha.
We’re not interested in asking "Chaotic" if the nickname she has given herself was inspired by Britney’s reality show. No, what we would like to know is if she’s just one naïve person among a sea of savvy Dear Abby readers with fully functioning gaydar.
