We're not even sure what to make of this…

Al Reynolds, a washed up Wall Streeter who was once married to washed up talk show host Star Jones, took to YouTube yesterday in an attempt to share the "real" Reynolds. Or, as he puts it, "The Al Reynolds You Don't Know." Did we ask?

Far too self-important to speak into the camera - so pedestrian! - Reynolds instead speaks with a journalist, who asks the hard-hitting, tabloid ready questions, like "Are you gay?" The answer, of course, is a long-winded, tortuous and overly prepared "no." It begins thusly:

I am not a homosexual. But the thing is, it's really weird to me — and it's kind of upsetting to me that that's where people would go as it relates to my sexuality. Because this has affected my professional life. This has affected my personal life. And if anyone knew the damage that it has caused me, they would understand why I'm very aggressive about this. But it's okay because I'm learning from this whole experience. And hopefully I'll grow from it. But I can tell you probably why…

He then rambles into what we guess is an explanation of why people think he's a homo. A short rundown: his Southern roots gave him a sense of style; his mother was a stickler for cleanliness - then he breaks off into some tangent about working on Wall Street and integrity and blah, blah, blah.

Basically, Reynolds, this is weird and confusing and we're not sure what - or who - possessed you to release an entire series of videos, but it's so queer, we don't even know where to begin. Also, your video editor sucks. How many goddamn takes did you have to do in order to splice that rubbish together?

Anyway, readers, if you're interested, you can find the rest of Reynold's "not gay" bullshit declaration after the jump.

CONTINUED »

• President Bush "dismayed" by Foley scandal. Well, at least one Republican's caught off guard. [The New York Times]

• Kelly Preston explains hubbie John Travolta's seemingly-gay kiss. "He's the nanny." Yeah, that old story. [National Post]

• Star Jones and Al Reynolds pack up for Miami. Oh, man, now they'll never get over those pesky Al's a big fucking homo rumors. [Page Six]

• Even more gay television. Wheeee! [Planet Out]

• After all their support, HRC admonishes Foley. It's about time. [Human Rights Campaign]

• Refinery 29 hearts Loden Dager. We did first, though. [Refinery 29]

• South African officials encourage penal HIV tests. Data will help allocate funds. Goes to show you: a little prick can do a lot of good. [All Africa]

The minibar isn't the only thing that costs extra at the Ostfriesland Hotel in Norden, Germany. They have started charging guests by weight. The exact amount is about 60 cents per 2 pounds, which means that the old Star Jones would be paying about $45 more per night than the new one. Before you feel grateful to the conscientious hotel owners for caring about our general health, remember their reasoning: "Slim guests live longer and can therefore come more often and that is why we reward them."

And we thought it had to do with the bedsprings, in which case how much would a room cost if we put Al Reynolds into the equation with Star? Unfortunately that is a question with an unfathomable (and probably unspeakable) answer.

Fatter bills for hefty hotel guests [Ananova]
Star Jones on Life, Love & Weight Loss [ETonline.com]

• Australia's Treasurer says that gays should count their lucky stars the country doesn't criminalize homosexuality. Fortunately for him, being a total idiot is also still legal. [Sydney Morning Herald]

• The FBI has interviewed Morrissey to determine if he might be a threat. He might be if they mean being a talented musician in a world full of droning Simpson sisters. [Towleroad]

• Star Jones is very slow to catch on. She's only now beginning to suspect that her husband might be a big old 'mo. [A Socialite's Life]

• Newsflash! The Golden Girls are gay icons! [AZ Central]

• Yet another reason for New Yorkers to never leave Manhattan. AIDS/HIV cases are increasing in Long Island.[Newsday]

• Jude Law is playing gay onscreen. Again. We’re crossing our fingers that one day he'll see the light and convert to our side offscreen. [Pink News]

• Stephen King’s new novel Cell is supposed to be his first book with a gay hero. But we’ve always had our suspicions about the namesake in Carrie. That is if you consider a telekinetic murderess a hero. [After Elton]

• RIP queer Curious George collaborator Alan Shalleck who was found murdered in his trailer. [Miami Herald]

• Al Reynolds sings show tunes to Star Jones. No surprise there. [Gawker]

• Zulkey chats with drag king/lesbian/author Norah Vincent (whose book is most definitely on Al Reynolds’ nightstand) about what were the most difficult things about acting masculine. [Zulkey]

• Those reliable pervs at Data Lounge have the scoop on what you'll see in Johnny Galacki's new off-Broadway play, The Little Dog Laughed. Let's just say it isn't little and you certainly won't be laughing. [Data Lounge]

• Kyle Lawson has been honorably discharged from the Army, transforming him from a queer soldier to a queer civilian. But his attacker remains in the military, still a gay-bashing soldier. [Arizona Daily Star]

• Star Jones and "husband" Al Reynolds have an “intoxicatingly sexual connection.” We’re just going to leave that one alone. [NY Daily News]

&bull Poor Anne Heche. It’s bad enough she has to deal with a homophobic mother, but she now has to mourn the loss of her sister. RIP Susan Bergman. [Dallas Voice]

• Bizarro cartoonist Dan Piraro apologizes for unintentionally creating an anti-gay cartoon this past weekend. He didn’t, however, apologize for its failure to really make anyone laugh. [WFAA]

• Harriett Miers has withdrawn her Supreme Court Justice nomination. Let's hope Bush's next pick has much better hair.

• A British army sergeant suspected cadet Prince Harry had the name of his girlfriend inked on his royal arse. So Harry was shouted an order: "drop your pants and show me your backside!" Funny enough, this was all part of a fantasy we had just two nights ago.

• Word is Siegfried abuses and drugs up his tiger-clawed boyfriend, Roy Horn. Roy has even resorted to concealing a secret cell phone and knife "to protect himself." Why didn't they incorporate this kind of material into their sleep-inducing Vegas show?

• A Pennsylvania student is being punished for writing that gays are "subhuman" on his blog. We're sure he meant superhuman.

•Mr. Star Jones, Al Reynolds, was left to suffer in a confined jail cell with other masculine convicts for 12 hours. 12 hours we say! And despite phone calls to his beard, um, wife, she never showed up at the police station. Star always did struck us the compassionate type.

• The anti-gay flyers showing up in Texas are great reading material. The line that reads queers "troll for homo sex at 'gay' bars" made us snort out or morning latte. It also left us wondering what goes on in all of those chaste "straight" watering holes. Bible reading and gospel singing? Um, no. (via Andy)