Despite reports to the contrary, David Beckham will not be guest starring on Desperate Housewives.

The super star soccer stud was rumored to appear on the ABC sudster with fellow Brit, Robbie Williams.

The equally attactive Eva Longoria put gossip to rest yesterday:

I talked to Victoria the other day. I told her about that rumour, she was laughing. David had a good laugh out of it. No, they are not coming on the show.

Never fear, queers: the hour-long drama will still be getting gay when Tuk Watkins and Kevin Rahm join as a same-sex couple.

Former footballer Graeme Le Saux's new book alleges that David Beckham and others taunted for the straight Le Saux being light in the loafers. Becks, however, says Le Saux's a liar.

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Soccer super star David Beckham swept into New York City this weekend to take on our under appreciated Red Bulls - and player Dave van den Bergh. As you can see, Beckham's not as gentle as some of us would like to imagine. Despite Beckham's teeth baring, the Red Bulls pulled off a 5-4 victory over Los Angeles Galaxy (as if you care, right?).

Becks felt a bit more cuddly the morning of the game, when he took the pitch with some of New York's pint-sized players. He also showed Carlos Pavon some teammate love. Check out pics of Becks in various states of dress, after the jump. Why? Because we're gay.

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No doubt Christine Daniels celebrated David Beckham's goal last night. The Los Angeles Times' sportswoman - formerly known as sportsman Mike Penner - recently told NPR's Day To Day that David's LA coming out marked her coming out as a woman. IThe British soccer player was Daniels' first interview as a woman.

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Soccer stud David Beckham celebrated last night after scoring his first goal and assist as an American player. His and Landon Donovan's combined efforts defeated DC United, thus securing LA Galaxy a place in the finals.

Good to see he's earning that $50 million contract.

Homo media watchdogs GLAAD released their first ever televisual comparison today, the Network Responsibility Index.

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Soccer star David Beckham may be branching into the wild world of acting. Marc Cherry has been kicking around the idea of hiring Becks and fellow Brit Robbie Williams for a stint on his hit soap, Desperate Housewives. Or so he says.

Discussing the show's new gay duo, Cherry suggested Becks and Robbie appear as the couple's queer friends.

David and Robbie are perfect to star as the new neighbours' best friends; the gorgeous, eccentric couple flown over from Blighty (Britain). We haven't had that kind of wow for the wives since Jesse Metcalfe left and we want it to cause such a stir when they turn out to be together. David's keen, but though the obvious choice was to work with Tom Cruise, we wanted someone who matches him in height and well, Britishness, so Robbie is the one. They're both funny, game for a laugh and ridiculously macho, so it should work wonderfully… The English are pitch-perfect for sending themselves up.

A singer and a soccer star are pitch perfect?

Oh, Cherry, you're a mad, mad genius!

The wild world of celebrity sure can seem exotic. We see endless pictures of our favorite stars jetting to-and-fro, gobbling up free gifts and partaking in glamorous activities, such as black face. While it's great to fantasize about joining their astronomical ranks, it's even more fun to fantasize about them joining our pedestrian gutter.

Thankfully, some photo-shop lovers over at Paris Hiltron have taken it upon themselves to illustrate what Posh, Becks, Sarah Jessica Parker and other assorted celebs would look like as typical Americans. As you can see, David and Victoria look more like mum and dad than soccer stud and sexy singer.

Not only has Paris Hiltron provided us with a much needed belly laugh, but they've confirmed our Larry King suspicions. If the chatter-box weren't working for CNN, he'd be a grandmother who spends her last days arranging dying flowers.

The silly site, which we found thanks to old friend !!omg blog!!, also offers us a glimpse in Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's respective, entirely fitting futures.

Have a laugh - especially at Ann Coulter - after the jump.

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Tom Cruise and his mindless missus, Katie Holmes got down and real funky at Sunday's Beckham bash.

From Us Weekly:

…The real showstopper came when the DJ played “Old Time Rock & Roll,” prompting Cruise to re-enact his famous scene from Risky Business. At one point, he got on his back and kicked his legs in the air, just like in the movie!

In real life, however, the star kept his pants on.

Thank L. Ron!

It was a hodge podge of Who's Who in Hollywood last night as A-listers and Blisters came together in welcoming David and Victoria Beckham to America.

Super clique Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Becks, Posh, Jada and Will Smith led the crowd into Los Angeles' Museum of Contemporary Art. The not-as-selective-as-we-imagined guest list included a big looking Lil Kim, Little Britain's Matt Lucas, Eva Pigford, Eva Longoria, Posh's fellow Spice Girl, Mel B, Stevie Wonder and, for some reason, Jon Voight.

Check out some more pics, after the jump.

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• Super Aryan model Joseph Sayers sat down with Connexion 247 for a bit of chat, including how he'd react to a gaggle of crazed fans: "I can't even imagine a crowd going wild, but if they did, I'd handle it well." Oh, we've got no doubt.

• Rhiannon O'Donnabhain declared her $25,000 same sex operation as a medical expense. The IRS told her to turn her head and cough up the dough. Now she's suing.

• Will Brooks-Brothers' Thom Browne gamble pay off?

• If this happened today, the seemingly helpful, zoo keeping penis guru would be in jail. Or a priest.

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David Beckham wastes no time. The British soccer stud only arrived in America on Friday, but the blond 32-year old took the pitch yesterday to practice with his new LA Galaxy team-mates, including Cobi Jones, the always dreamy Landon Donovan, Lance Friesz and Josh Tudela.

We hope they're practicing hard - they're fifth in the West coast division. And there are only six teams. Nationally, they're second to last.

The Beckhams have landed in Los Angeles, boys and girls - and, miraculously, the world kept spinning.

David officially joins LA Galaxy today, while Victoria will keep herself busy with her perfume and denim collections. And a special appearance on The Tonight Show this evening. Her reality show also airs on NBC next Monday.

The Beckhams certainly are busy - where do they find time for it all. And, more importantly, where are their children? Did they leave them behind or are they being shipped with the furniture?

Everyone's clamoring about Spice Girls' joyous reunion.

Yeah, it's exciting to think that we can relive the magic of the quintet's outdated crooning, but not nearly as exciting as the news that Geri Halliwell's penned a children's book: Ugenia Lavender.

Judging from some of the characters' names - Davey Bockham and Posh Princess Vatoria - Halliwell's got one incredible imagination. And sense of smell.

Victoria Beckham wears the pants in her marriage to soccer star, David. Here's the former Spice Girl returning to England after making an appearnace at the MTV Movie Awards. Daily Mail jokes that she looks like The Village People's leather daddy, Glenn Hughes.

The Mail may be kidding, but Posh isn't fucking around with those boots. Damn, boy! Oh - we mean, girl!