What would Desmond Morris say!? Lad rag Maxim recently asked its readers to name the world's gayest straight men. The bulging list includes Terrell Owens, Oscar de La Hoya and, of course, David Beckham.

While it's cute and all, the feature's tag line leaves a little to be desired: "These heterosexual dudes are just a smidge too in touch with their feminine sides."

The present doesn't concern Desmond Morris. Not according to Mark Simpson, at least.

The man loving journo who takes issue with the zoologists not-so-modern take on modern man, The Naked Man.

"Morrisland" remains stuck in a 1950s sociosexual wasteland - a land where the gays can't graze, nor can straight men indulge in lady like :

By far the biggest attraction in Morrisland is sexual certainty. Within this fenced-off space the distinction between ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’, ‘homosexual’ and ‘heterosexual’, is unclouded by all those unnatural modern trends. ‘As nature intended’ is a favourite phrase, one which appears above the entrance gates.

In Morrisland, men are men - and there’s a strict golf club dress code. ‘Acceptance of male earrings still tends to be limited to those worn by the younger, more flamboyant males, largely from the world of sport, music and showbusiness,’ you’ll be glad to hear. Male bracelets are simply effeminate. And men only shave their legs - ‘sacrificing their masculinity’ - to swim or cycle faster.

Morris does, however, acknowledge Simpson's semantic lovechild, the metrosexual. There is, however, a caveat: they must be unquestionably straight and, preferably, are "well-known as tough, masculine sportsmen and as famous celebrities".

Scientists, preachers and politicians have spent over a century trying to figure out what - if anything - makes someone gay. British anthropologist Desmond Morris claims to have found the queer key - and it sure sounds gay. Morris' The Naked Man: A study of the Male Body claims that men turn gay if they fail to disengage from their childlike existence:

[Morris] concludes that men are “made gay” because they retain infantile or juvenile characteristics into adulthood – a phenomenon known as neoteny.

According to this theory, gay men also tend to be more inventive and creative than heterosexuals because they are more likely to retain the mental agility and playfulness of childhood.

“Gays have in general made a disproportionately greater contribution to life than nongays,” said Morris, who is also a noted artist. “The creative gay has very much advanced Planet Earth.”

We queers sure are docile, innocent creatures, huh?