Malawi's going to get some gay action this weekend!

Despite some public opposition, the Malawi Gay Rights Movement announced they plan to make their official launch. And, in a surprising turn of events, claim President Bingu wa Mutharika gave them the green light:

Magrim interim chairperson, Mc Leod said the launch for the association, which reportedly has 3,890 members, is planned for Saturday 13th September 2008 in Blantyre coming after claims that President Mutharika has given them moral support to exist.

“The leadership of Magrim sought an audience with the President to seek permission to launch the movement. The President has wished us well and promised to grant an audience when he returns from USA where he has gone for a UN summit,” said Magrin spokesman.

Despite the president's support, Malawi's legal code still rails against the gays and prescribes hard labor as punishment. And not the good "hard labor."

Malawian activists took a step toward equality this month when they formed the African nation's first gay rights group. And many of their country men aren't taking it well.

Consider, for example, a snappy - yet evil - op-ed in a local paper.

Our rich cultural heritage endured a massive knock when some Malawians decided to get out of the closet to announce the formation of a Gay Movement Grouping that has been meeting in Blantyre for the past six years.

The masters of corrosive anal invasion decided to declare their intent to force fellow Malawians to dine on acts of invasive sexual trauma. Yuk!

Funny, we had a similar reaction to this article…

Madonna and Gucci teamed up last night to raise controversial moolah for UNICEF and African nation Malawi. And, as you can see, all the big names were there. While we weren't in attendance (our invitation must have gotten lost in the mail), our sources tell us everyone had a gay old time. Except for Gwyneth Paltrow, whose silk bow reportedly tried to decapitate the actress.

Function over form?

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Actors, singers, diplomats and various celebrities will turn out in full force February 9th for the Gucci-hosted "A Night to Benefit Raising Malawi and UNICEF." Held at New York's UN headquarters, the event will rake dough for Madonna and Kabbalah-guru Michael Berg's non-profit, Raising Malawi. Fox News' Roger Friedman, however, claims the two are up to no good:

…Neither Gucci nor UNICEF is aware — even though it's been noted here many times — that Raising Malawi is merely a front for Philip Berg's Kabbalah Center of Los Angeles. In fact, before anyone writes a check: Raising Malawi is also still not a registered charity. All of its forms, filings and press releases direct back to the Kabbalah Center.
…
Berg’s son Michael started Raising Malawi under the pretext of helping orphans in that impoverished country. But after Madonna helped herself to one, David Banda, Berg and the rest of the Kabbalah/Raising Malawi team went to work on their real cause: indoctrinating unsuspecting Malawi orphans into their brand of mysticism.

Raising Malawi uses the "Spirituality for Kids" program, which Friedman likens to Kabbalah "curriculum".

Malawian politicos ain't feeling British High Commissioner nominee Jack McConnell.

Presidential candidate Friday Jumbe jumped at the chance to challenge Scottish McConnell's pro-'mo policies, which include a push to overturn anti-gay sodomy laws:

To have a man who supports gay rights to come to Malawi is dangerous for us. He can easily use his influence as high commissioner to force legislation and that's my biggest fear. I don't want him and I know I am speaking for my party and many legislators that we cannot allow such a person in Malawi.

As The Scotsman points out, however, Jumbe's opposition may be motivated by McConnell's close relationship with Jumbe's political rival Bingu wa Mutharika. What's more, the idea that McConnell could use his power to change former British colony Malawi's policies reeks of publicity-seeking paranoia: no high commissioner's done so in the past.

Just when you thought it was safe to adopt an African baby!

It seems Madonna - the little known American singer who recently "adopted" a child from Malawi - may not have explained everything to Yohane Banda, the father of her new tot, David. Even though Banda supported Madonna just last week, as international groups raised a stink against Madonna for what seemed like a great colonial kidnapping, he now claims he's been duped, insisting he didn't understand what Madonna meant by "adopting."

Banda was under the impression that Madonna was going to raise the kid and then give him back to Banda. He says:

Had they told us that Madonna wanted to adopt my son and make him her own son, we would not have agreed to that… I cannot read and write so I relied on what the (government) officials told me that the papers said Madonna would look after the child the way the orphanage planned to educate him and then he comes back to me…

Well, basically Banda's right: Madonna will care for David, give him everything he needs/wants, school him, and the rest. Of course, as with all adoptions, lil' David will no doubt have his chance to return to his home at the age of eighteen.

Yeah fucking right! Like that kids going to just leave Madonna and his millions of dollars to go chill in Malawi with pops. If he's a good kid, he'll take some of the money Madonna will no doubt give him and send it to his father or - if he's a fucking saint - he'll bring his father to London to live with him.

Oh, and if you want to know what Jacob Zuma says about all of this adoption drama, he says that Malawi should have more flexible laws. You know, just so you're informed…

Alright, so by now we all know that Madonna's adopted/stolen a baby from Malawi.

So, how does Madge feel now that's she gotten her new guppie? In a statement, the pop-star insisted, "It's so worth it. He's just the best baby ever. Guy and I have never been happier."

See the above picture? That's the new baby. Who's that woman holding the baby? Not Madonna. But don't worry, Madonna's really, really excited about the baby. So excited, in fact, that she can only hold its bottle.

She probably can't concentrate as she plots her next baby crime-spree. The Daily Mail reports:

And she has already got her eyes on a three-year-old girl from the same village as David. Describing the moment she saw her, she said: "I looked at this child with questioning dark eyes and the saddest smile. I thought, 'She looks just like me.' I told Guy, 'We must give this child a home, too.'"

Damn! This bitch is far crazier than we ever imagined! Her excessive fame fame has either turned her brain to mush or she lives in a parallel universe (or both, actually). Anyway you cut it, she's out of control.

Does she plan on just taking babies until someone stops her? Is she trying for an entire rainbow of children? We've got Lourdes, who is brown, Rocco, who's a little cracker if we ever saw one, and now little black Daniel.

Where will she strike next? Your guess is as good/offensive as ours.

Another day, another Madonna adopts a Malawian baby rumor. First a government official says that Madge came to the small African country to find a baby boy, then her publicist says that ain't nothing but bullshit, and now we've got yet another report that she'll be bringing more than just a few knick-knacks back from her trip.

Malawian government officials said last week the pop star planned to adopt a Malawian boy while she is in the impoverished African nation visiting projects she funds for AIDS orphans. However, they declined to comment on Yohame Banda's claim that his son David had been adopted by the singer.

You gotta hand it to Madonna. Even after all these years, she still manages to keep us guessing.

We're inclined to believe it, not because we trust this Banda character, but because Liz Rosenberg, the material mama's publicist, has yet to issue a denial. That's like Hollywood's version of a confirmation. Only not. Tricky, right?

Still, things about this "story" remain a bit dodgy: some say the potential baby goes by the name David, while others insist he's called Luca, while yet others doubt he even exists.

Through all of this baby drama, we keep asking ourselves why we care. Then we remember: we're gay. Madonna's so ingrained in our DNA that she could take a shit and we'd call it news.

Breaking: Madonna Just Farted!

Previously: Madonna Has No African Baby