Omnisexual gossip Liz Smith's rapidly becoming our favorite free sex stalwart. The 85-year old, who likes when we poke her, penned a column this week in which she gets up close and personal with Nicole Kidman's chest, which some say have been inflated.

And Smith does not approve:

I admire a fine belle poitrine as much as anyone, but I can’t stand these added-on half grapefruits that look as unnatural as can be. I have known Nicole for a long time now and her natural assets were quite good enough to start with.

Ya hear that, ladies!? Smith likes you just the way you are, so don't go getting any implants, which, we think, are super tacky - and that should be reason enough.

The wild world of celebrity sure can seem exotic. We see endless pictures of our favorite stars jetting to-and-fro, gobbling up free gifts and partaking in glamorous activities, such as black face. While it's great to fantasize about joining their astronomical ranks, it's even more fun to fantasize about them joining our pedestrian gutter.

Thankfully, some photo-shop lovers over at Paris Hiltron have taken it upon themselves to illustrate what Posh, Becks, Sarah Jessica Parker and other assorted celebs would look like as typical Americans. As you can see, David and Victoria look more like mum and dad than soccer stud and sexy singer.

Not only has Paris Hiltron provided us with a much needed belly laugh, but they've confirmed our Larry King suspicions. If the chatter-box weren't working for CNN, he'd be a grandmother who spends her last days arranging dying flowers.

The silly site, which we found thanks to old friend !!omg blog!!, also offers us a glimpse in Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's respective, entirely fitting futures.

Have a laugh - especially at Ann Coulter - after the jump.

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