Queerty is blowing a sloppy, hopefully germ-filled Bronx cheer at Patrick Guerriero, on the occasion of his declaration that “gay conservatives” should pretty please with a cherry on top come out of the closet. In the declaration, he says that “we” should do what’s possible to “prevent the radical right from hijacking the Republican Party,” as if that hadn’t happened already. Since Stonewall and indeed before, the very definition of a conservative in American politics must include the fact that conservatives as a group are hostile to progress in gay rights.

So what in the name of Hedi Slimane is any self-respecting homosexual doing in the Republican so-called Party? You couldn’t drag us into the Log Cabin if you told us Abe Lincoln was inside with a raging hard-on and that Mary Todd was there with a camcorder to capture his first gay sexual experience. In his declaration, Patricia Guerriero states that he is opposed to unauthorized outings in the media, supporting his opinion by claiming that there are lots of gay conservatives in Washington quietly working behind the closet door to further our rights. Mary, you should sell that line for use in a stand-up comedy act.

Nor is opposition to gay rights the only thing unconscionable about opinion currently labeled “conservative” in the United States. Goose-stepping compliance with Bush’s invasion of a foreign country was bad enough; sitting idly by while he served the natives white phosphorous cocktails worse still. And how bout them Kyoto Protocols? Bush told the world they are for sissies, and the closeted sissies on his side politically cheered his rejection of them. Patricia Guerriero’s recent declaration is more evidence of how gays who align themselves with “conservatives” contribute to pollution. Not that we’re opinionated, but yeccchhhh, can somebody tell us how to clean up this sludge?

First Anna Wintour, now Patrick Guerriero. The president of the Log Cabin Republicans was just starting his National Coming Out Day speech at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill when a mysterious figure rushed the stage and threw a chocolate cream pie at him. Though he valiantly ducked and swerved, he took part of the pie in the kisser.

Poor Patrick has a tough time getting any support for Log Cabins. Studies have shown that by a margin of 99 to 1, gay people prefer living in a fabulous pied-a-terre anyway. One Democrat in L.A. sent Patrick an e-mail saying he is “just another self-hating faggot,” and then topped that with “You and people like you are the worst enemies of the gay community.” The charming Minister Fred Phelps once said that Patrick is a “faggot . . . worthy of the death penalty.” Phelps has also journeyed to Sweden to hunt down its King, in the belief that he supports homosexuality.

Observers of the 2006 Pride March in New York City might recall that when a few straggling Log Cabin types paraded by, proud as all get out of their Republicanism, they were booed as if they were Ashlee Simpson lip-synching. Now you can experience all the Republican fun for yourself at the LC website. It has a video corner and a photo of Dick Cheney, if not any convincing explanations of why a gay person in their right mind would want to be associated with the homophobic Republican so-called party.