We knew it was bound to happen: American Idol judge Paula Abdul inspired a woman, Paula Goodspeed, to sit outside Abdul's LA home in a parked car. Perfectly normal, no? Anyway, Goodspeed reportedly committed suicide last night in said vehicle.

And because TMZ thrives under situations that are part devastating, part exploitative, the Web site has already dug up everything about this woman, except her social security number. But don't worry, that's on its way.

Here's what the TMZ stalkers have come up with so far:

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Her career may be in the dumps, but actress Lindsay Lohan proved she hasn't lost her comedic timing on last night's TMZ. The actress popped into the team's "news" room to have a yuck at her own expense - and, despite a panty hiccup, she pulled this shit off flawlessly. Bad pun politico Hillary Clinton could take a lesson from this girl.

News travels slow in Ohio. Connie of the eponymous ConnieTalk posted a little something something today in which she explains that "Failed actor" and TMZ honcho Harvey Levin likes penis. Shocking, right? Especially after that TMZ commenter went off about old lavender Levin.

Ms. Connie doesn't say anything particular interesting, but she did throw together the above image, which, we imagine, she takes to be a visual indicator of Levin's poofter ways.

Poor Connie obviously has a dearth of gays in her life, so we'd like to offer her one creative suggestion: if that picture's meant to highlight Harvey's homosexuality, we suggest you turn him about 90 degrees.

Homophobes pop up in the darndest places! TMZ recently featured Bill Gates' satirical "life after Microsoft" video in which he jokes about taking the White House, of which TMZ's nameless writers write, "Not a terrible idea — the last Bill we had in the office worked out fine." Such political commentary didn't sit well with a little reader called "Disgusted," who blames gay managing editor and producer Harvey Levin:

I wouldn't call getting impeached working out fine. In fact, that was rather embarassing for our country.

You'll find that this website will tend to project their liberal bias and pionts of view. The reason why is that Harvey Levin is a homosexual. A lot of people are unaware of this fact.

Hence, the liberal bias in the TMZ staff's commentaries. Homosexual activists will promote anything left-wing and liberal to promote their agenda.

That's so true! We're like robots with a primary objective. Levin's our leader.

Proving themselves to be relevant, the media watchdog group GLAAD has successfully petitioned actor Scott Caan to apologize for calling a pesky paparazzo a "faggot".

TMZ caught the actor's tacky rant yesterday, when Caan said,

I saw you shooting me while I was eating a cheeseburger. Fucking jack-off. I'll give you a thousand dollars to come fight me, how about that? $2000. $2500. Ten grand if you'll fight me. Get a real job, you faggot.

Though GLAAD president Neil Giuliano sympathized with Caan's plight, he and his were deeply offended by his "dehumanizing remarks". As if paparazzi are human!

Fearing the gay wrath, Caan readily agreed to issue his personal apologies through his personal publicist:

I am sorry for using such a derogatory word. I was being harassed by a paparazzi and, unfortunately, the word slipped out. I don't ever condone the use of that word and I deeply apologize to anyone whom I may have offended.

Yes, but did you apologize to the poor, defenseless paparazzo?

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Scott Thompson struck out at last week's Gay Softball World Series, by far the gayest of gay sport events.

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Could it be the King of Pop's back? If this TMZ-obtained track, "Mamacita", is any indication, the answer's "yes".

Homeboy can be as crazy as he wants, just as long as his forthcoming full-length doesn't disappoint.

Download Michael Jackson - "Mamacita"

Hey, ladies! (Girls, girls!) Have we got some absolutely lesbianic news for you!!

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Religious fundamentalists think gay people are scary. Well, our cousins over at Jossip led us to TMZ's transcript of OJ Simpson's "coulda-woulda-shoulda" retelling of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman's gruesome murders. And, guess what, it's fucking scary.

Now I was standing in Nicole's courtyard, in the dark, listening to the loud, rhythmic, accelerated beating of my own heart. I put my left hand to my heart and my shirt felt strangely wet. I looked down at myself. For several moments, I couldn't get my mind around what I was seeing. The whole front of me was covered in blood, but it didn't compute. Is this really blood? I wondered. And whose blood is it? Is it mine? Am I hurt?

No, you're crazy, OJ. Seriously, seriously nuts.

Now, can someone please forward this to all our anti-gay enemies and please explain to them that gays may be a lot of things, but we're not insane murderers who wrote a book pretending not to be insane murderers. We're total pussy cats by comparison.