• The Vatican continues to make absoultely no sense. This time it's rumored they might allow gay priests after all. The caveat? Hard proof they've had no nookie for three years. We want to be the ones responsible for those tests.

• 50's film pretty boy Tab Hunter stops by NYC's Out Professionals Center this month for a chat about his prolific film career and what it was like to fuck Anthony Perkins.

• A British author was kicked out of a children's talk for calling Harry Potter "gay," something we've been saying for years.

• Though what we're really waiting for is the Colin Farrell sex tape to hit the internets, we must make do with Tom Sizemore and possibly the white trash couple of the Century, Kevin Federline and a pregnant Britney.

• We expect our lesbo cops to be nothing but "verbally aggressive."

• As everybody and their mother now knows, Tom Cruise captive Katie Holmes is with child. Glee! Little Scientologists!

Planning a trip to the land of Gladiators and well-endowed statues? So are a brave group of American Catholics intent on showing the Vatican the difference between Jesus’ teachings and their latest anti-gay edict. Today’s New York Times dishes:

Responding to reports that the Vatican may be close to releasing a directive to exclude most gay candidates from entering the priesthood, leaders of Roman Catholic men's religious orders in the United States are planning to travel to Rome to voice their objections in person.

So kudos to these fine men of the cloth, the Conference of Major Superiors of Men (ed. note: hmmm). We here at Queerty would like to help them plan their getaway to that Gucci boot-shaped country. While at St. Peter’s you can light a votive and pray to the Good Lord to knock some sense into these so called Christians.

When in Rome, stay at the Casa Howard with modern designs and a deal-making on-site Turkish Bath. Grab a drink at Rome’s best wine bar, Tramonti e Muffati and then party the night away at Hangar. Monday's porn video night but you really want to show up on Thursday when the Italian strippers make like the statue of David.

See, you can fight for gay rights and party all at once.

•A Catholic priest in Massachusetts is in trouble for printing his opposition to the Vatican's proposed ban on gays in the church's weekly bulletin. We're shocked people actually read those things.

•Will & Grace premieres tonight with a live episode. Watch tired T.V. characters flub lackluster lines on a rusty TV show. Or don't.

•Folks in Austin inadvertently help promote the upcoming Brokeback Mountain by demanding the short story the movie is based on be banned from their school.

•Nashville officials are up in arms over a video shown in the city's schools portraying homosexuality as "natural." And it wasn't Lucas' Story.

•Gay older brother Andy points out Eddie Cibrian's own private battle of the bulge.

•All you Bi LA residents can support your fellow switch-hitters by attending a fundraiser this weekend where you might just find every person there totally hot.

•Students and teachers at the University of Iowa are pissed that the school's locker rooms are painted pink saying the color "perpetuates offensive stereotypes about women and homosexuality." Like a group of naked athletes in a communal shower snapping wet towels at one another isn't so gay. (Thanks, Buzz)

•A Christian school in California has expelled a 14-year old girl upon learning her parents are gay. I guess we glossed over the part in the Bible where Jesus said “thou shalt not educate the offspring of lesbians.”

•We’re bummed that we didn’t get to see Sandra Bernhard rip on both Barbara “Mrs. Doubtfire” Bush and Condi “Ferragamo” Rice in person.

•Ex-gay camp Love in Action employees are allowed to continue their brainwashing for one more week. But not to worry. Once the place shuts its doors for good, they'll easily find jobs working for the Vatican.

•For the last time: Kenny Chesney IS NOT GAY!. Right…

•“Amnesty International: Cops abuse gays, need to add liaison officers.” But will they be Dangerous Liaisons?

•Stuff you need to schedule your life around this weekend: The bitchy Desperate Housewives (and wet dream Jesse Metcalf) are back this Sunday night and single mom Jodie Foster takes on yet another single mom role in Flightplan.

• That pesky Vatican won't be allowing gays into the Priesthood and might even band them entirely. We have a feeling massive layoffs will be in order.

•Apparently the past few years have seen a rapid increase in the "feminization of Japanese men." They're much more into beauty products and aren't afraid to dance with other guys. Over here we call that progress.

•The right to marry is important, but everyone knows the right to divorce (and get half) is more important. Gays in Washington State may be getting just that.

•Click here to download the 30-second TV spot asking veto-happy Arnie to reconsider his decision that would prevent leather daddies from marrying in California.

•Whoever said prison toughens you up was dead wrong. Darling, Martha, couldn't you come up with a snappier catchphrase than "you just don't fit in?" How about "you're my bitch now?"

The Vatican has ordered all Catholic Diocese to look under the rug for "evidence of homosexuality" in their new attempt to root out gays from the Catholic Church. Good lord, I'd hate to have that job. Where do you start?

You're in the Vatican, and you're the Pope, and you're staring up at the Sistine Chapel, painted by a homo, and you adjust your hat and robe, which you KNOW was designed by a homo, and you ask your employees (at least 10% who are homos) about getting rid of gays in the church. Mr. Pope, with all due respect, any institution (the Church included) without gays is like tossing a shirt over a chair instead of on a hanger. It lacks class and shape.

So then, what? Pope, you're new, so we'll be kind: Without us, you'd be sitting in a chapel that looked like a Wal-Mart and wearing Wranglers.