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Raising My Rainbow
Raising My Rainbow

Teaching Your Child to Lie Like a Celebrity: Should I Tell C.J.’s Brother To Fib So He Isn’t Teased?

Raising My Rainbow is written by the mother of a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son. She’s chronicling their journey on Queerty right here. Read up on RMR‘s cast of characters.


The scene of the crime

We are at one of the “it” parks in South Orange County. A place where anyone who is anyone playdates. (Yes, that’s a verb.) A place where the South Orange County Mommy Mafia arrives in True Religion jeans carrying Coach purses, Starbucks and sippy cups. It’s not my normal scene. But, my boys dig the park; so we went with no clique, no mommy entourage, no nanny in tow, no organic snacks. We are rebels.

The park is hopping. It’s one of the first sunny days we’ve seen in weeks, with temperatures in the 70s. We’re doing our thing. C.J. climbs to the top of the highest play structure. It looks like a castle with slide off-shoots, firefighter-style poles to slide down and staircases galore.

“Maaaaa-meeeeeeeeee,” he yells from the highest perch. (I sometimes still forget that “Mommy” is my official title.) “Maaaaaa-meeeeeeeee” he yells even louder.

Everyone is looking and judging in my direction as I, unknowingly, continue my inner dialogue about the size of my thighs, jeggings and if it’s okay to shop at Forever 21 after the age of 31.

C.J.’s Brother comes over to me. “MOM! C.J. is calling you!” he says with little patience and big attitude. I look up at C.J. and wave, when, in his loudest outside voice, he screams in declaration: “I’m a princess! The most beautiful princess in all the land. I’m Rapuznel letting my hair down.” He proceeds to let his imaginary yards of tendrils down the side of the tower.

Gasps and giggles galore come from the South Orange County Mommy Mafia and their little maniacs.

“Yes you are baby!” I shout back in support. Seriously, what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say? Who cares if my son is the most beautiful princess in all the land?

C.J.’s Brother does. He cares. He wants to leave immediately. I give him the standard “five more minutes” and he sulks on the bench for all of them. We get in the car and he is upset. “I’m sorry,” I say.

It’s quiet as we drive home and I realize that C.J.’s slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous qualities affect C.J. the least of anybody at this point. They affect us – his Mom , Dad and Brother – the most, because we have been on this earth long enough to learn what judgment and insult look, feel and sound like.

C.J.’s Brother wouldn’t talk to me about it, but he would talk to C.J.’s Dad. “The kids tease me because my brother likes girl stuff. They ask me every day if he is still into girl stuff and when I tell them yes they run away from me and tease me on the playground,” he says fighting back tears.

“Why don’t you just tell them no, that he’s not into girls stuff anymore?” C.J.’s Dad says. “Because that would be lying and you told me never to lie,” he says. Tough-as-hell parenting moment #5,763.


This week, C.J. gave his hand-me-down Spiderman scooter a facelift. Items needed: string and a stuffed animal. Easy peasy.

We decided to tell C.J.’s Brother that it’s okay to give someone a not-totally-truthful answer when it really is none of their business and in the name of self-protection. “Celebrities do it all the time,” I interject. C.J.’s Dad looks at me like I am a lunatic. I’m used to it.

One thing I learned in PFLAG (which I started to attend years after my brother came out) is that when a person comes out of the closet, so must his or her loved ones, in their own time. C.J. – at this point – is living an “out” life. He’s living his life exactly as he wants to live it, with no secrets, no hiding, no care for the social norms. But, sometimes his unabashed way of life makes his brother feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, even angry, at inopportune times and at less than ideal locations.

I’ve always worried about C.J. getting bullied for his slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous ways; now I worry about C.J.’s Brother getting bullied because of them too. Yet another worry that this mom didn’t anticipate.

C.J.’s Brother had a new friend over to play this weekend. One hour before the coolest kid in the second grade was to arrive, we were running around discreetly hiding all of C.J.’s girl toys to save C.J.’s brother from possible embarrassment and ridicule. While we protect C.J.’s brother are we teaching C.J. to hide his true self? Is this an opportunity to teach someone else’s child about celebrating uniqueness in others? Is that my place?

The lesson we have learned from C.J.? Sometimes we don’t owe anybody answers, sometimes we don’t have answers, and sometimes, we lie like celebrities.

By:           Raising My Rainbow is written by the mother of a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son. Visit RaisingMyRainbow.com.
On:           Feb 10, 2011
Tagged: , , , , ,
  • 32 Comments
    • Kev C
      Kev C

      I dunno. I think the better answer would be to flaunt the truth. And if it makes someone uncomfortable or angry, it’s not your problem, it’s their’s.

      Feb 10, 2011 at 5:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      I don’t think its fair to CJ to hide his stuff like that. That’s just me though, I am not a mom, nor do I profess to be one. But when you hide CJ’s stuff, or tell his brother to lie, you perpetuate the idea that it is something to be ashamed of, and isn’t that what you are trying to get away from?

      I do understand where you are coming from, because it isn’t fair to the older brother to have to endure ridicule because of his brother’s less than conventional self expression either…Tough call. All I can say is make sure you aren’t sending signals to CJ that he is a burden or that there is something wrong with him or the way he expresses himself.

      Feb 10, 2011 at 5:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mike M
      Mike M

      One of the conclusions that I have come to over the years, is that bullying and/or teasing occur as a result of a perception of weakness in the victim. In this case, the weakness in CJ’s brother is his perceived shame in his brother. You might want to ask his brother how he relayed the news that CJ still played with girl’s toys to his tormentors. Did he say it proudly or matter-of-factly? Or did he give the perception that it was something to be embarassed or ashamed of? If there’s anything I’ve learned every time I’ve had to come out to someone new, it’s that if you act ashamed, you will be treated as if it is something to be ashamed of. If CJ’s brother had replied “yes, he does play with girl’s toys. So? There’s nothing wrong with it”, chances are the teasing wouldn’t have gotten far. People tend to tease and torment because of the reaction that they’re going to get. If CJ’s brother acts as though this teasing won’t affect him and will get no reaction from him, the teasing will cease after a while. Unfortunately because they’ve already gotten the desired reaction from him, it may take a little longer than it would have. I can’t say for certainty this will work, of course. I’m just offering something to try. I hope it helps.

      Feb 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • j
      j

      @Mike M: This is a perfect comment. This is a perfect column and exactly what queerty needs. And you, miss, are a perfect parent. CJ is lucky to have you!

      Feb 10, 2011 at 6:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • tom
      tom

      This is stirring some controversy apparently. (I’m not sure why)

      Feb 10, 2011 at 6:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • David Gervais
      David Gervais

      Tom: here’s another one, already posted here.

      Feb 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • David Gervais
      David Gervais

      re: No. 1 · Kev C

      “I dunno. I think the better answer would be to flaunt the truth. And if it makes someone uncomfortable or angry, it’s not your problem, it’s their’s.”

      You and I can do that. I’m my case, I’ve had a lot of years to get good at it. CJ’s brother is only seven. It’s a lot harder for him, he obviously has less self confidence than CJ, at least in some ways.

      Fortunately, they have Uncle Uncle to teach them the power of attitude.

      Feb 10, 2011 at 8:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DR
      DR

      What is the author doing to help her older son besides hiding toys and wondering how that’s going to impact her “slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son”?

      He needs his feelings validated, whether or not that makes CJ uncomfortable at first. He’s seven. He barely understands human sexuality and expression, and all the author is worried about is whether or not this kid should lie about his brother and whether or not that might hurt his feelings? What about the feelings of the seven-year-old? Has the author had a good long sit-down with him about his feelings, or is she just telling him that CJ is who he is and the whole family has to accept it?

      Feb 10, 2011 at 10:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • s.r
      s.r

      i wouldn’t tell CJ’s brother to lie about him. he needs to get used to standing up for CJ, because someday he may need to protect CJ from more than just teasing on the playground.

      Feb 10, 2011 at 10:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      Something else that comes to mind with this situation. Often kids who are different, or perhaps have problems and or needs out of what many people would consider to be ordinary overshadow their more conventional siblings. I truly admire what you are doing, CJ’s mom, but is it possible you are neglecting the needs and feelings of your other son? I don’t know you, and all we have here is your ‘CJ is slightly effeminate, possibly gay, and totally fabulous’ stories, so if I am way off base I apologize sincerely. But it kind of sounds like maybe CJ’s less than conventional situation takes precedence over the needs of your other son. He is a little boy too. He is only what, seven? He needs just as much of your love, concern, and attention.

      A story-will keep it as short as possible. This is a little different, but same concept. My aunt has twins, now aged 27. Fraternal, boy and girl. The girl is severely mentally retarded and autistic. The boy literally gave up his entire childhood to take care of her. He never had friends, participated in school activities, etc because he was basically her keeper from the time we were small kids. To this day, he resents his lost years. He loves his sister, of course, but he realizes, as does everyone else, that he should have been given the same love and attention, and he wasn’t, and that he should have had the opportunity to enjoy his childhood and adolescence, but did not. Food for thought- don’t let this thing with CJ make your other son grow up feeling like he and his needs are less important. I guarantee you you will live to regret it.

      Feb 10, 2011 at 11:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Asher
      Asher

      There’s nothing wrong with the kid lying.

      He’s 7 years old. Why should he play martyr to the cause?

      The parents, on the other hand, could always complain to the school that their kid is being bullied and scare the school into putting an end to any bullying.

      Feb 11, 2011 at 12:00 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Guy
      Guy

      Hi Rainbow Mum, first off I couldn’t respect you more and it sounds like you’re doing a great job with your boys. But on the topic at hand my reaction is: stop hiding CJ’s tendancies. Not because you should be proud etc but because it will come out (no pun intended) anyway and that will make the problem worse. CJ’s brother might tell kids that CJ doesn’t act effaminate any more and you may hide his girly toys. But it will just take take one cry of “I’m the prettiest princess” while a friend is visiting to undo that. And at some point they’ll be at the same school together right? If CJ’s fabulousness lasts until then his brother’s friends will see it anyway. Best to teach big brother to respond with “yeah he plays with girls toys sometimes. That’s cool, he’s alright” now rather than face their taunts and teasing later when they find out he’s been hiding it and has a weakness to exploit. It’s a sticky situation for you and big brother to face. Lieing doesn’t solve the problem but merely postpones it.

      Feb 11, 2011 at 5:14 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • kanthara
      kanthara

      I tend to agree with the others who ask how CJ’s brother is feeling about all this.

      I registered here because of this particular blog. I’m straight, mother of two boys as well, and neither of my boys is effeminate, but my oldest in first grade has a classmate who, like CJ, said he wants to be a princess, likes girl things and clothes. I think it’s my job as a parent to teach my boys about tolerance– no, not just tolerance. Acceptance of others for who they are, no matter how different or similar they are.

      It’s HARD.

      Kids react to anything they see as “not normal”, they band together with the “normals” and attack/jeer/bully/tease the not normals. Whenever my son tells me about this kid, he’s looking to me for approval that this weird behaviour is weird, right? It’s weird, huh, mom? My response is usually in the form of “so what? Nothing wrong with that, good for him.” I try to underline the ways in which my eldest is different from his friends, and point out that doesn’t make him a bad person and people shouldn’t tease him for that, so he shouldn’t tease the kid either for having his own brand of different, but… well, boys haven’t developed much empathy at this age yet. So I’m trying to reinforce it, but it’s hard to get through.

      I can only wish and hope that the parents of your sons’ friends will step in and teach their own children about tolerance and acceptance. The kids can’t do it by themselves, if they don’t have the grownup example, they will band together and pick on the fewer who don’t fit the norm, and in this case, the relatives of these people.

      Another thing comes to mind — CJ’s brother is not into what CJ is into. Maybe he agrees with the whole “this is not normal” thing, and he’s stuck with this situation. Perhaps it’s time to discuss this with him: how he’s feeling, why it bothers him that his little brother prefers girl things over boy things, and the like. Help him work through these feelings, and to accept his brother the way he is, while reinforcing that you love both your boys just as they are. Underline the things you love about him, make him feel that he’s important to you, validate his feelings and help him make sense of it all. When he’s comfortable with this, he’ll be better armed to defend himself against the bullies that tease him about CJ, and thus defend CJ as well.

      Best of luck, I’ll keep reading the blog!

      Feb 11, 2011 at 9:44 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • justiceontherocks
      justiceontherocks

      When dealing with small children, you always have to ask “What’s the in the best interests of the child?”

      It’s clear to me this “Rainbow” blog is NOT in the best interests of the two children involved. They’ve stopped being children and are now characters in a morality play.

      I will assume that the mother is well-intentioned, but it’s pretty clear she’s “over-thinking” the effeminate nature of one son, and that she’s spending time writing cute stories instead of parenting.

      I wish “C.J.” all the best, and encourage his parents to devote their time to raising a well-rounded young man.

      Feb 11, 2011 at 10:12 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CampusRadical
      CampusRadical

      @justiceontherocks: Your comment is literally the most ignorant thing I have read on this website. Writing a blog does not negatively impact this woman’s ability to be a mother. It’s a freaking hobby; I’m sure it occupies a negligible portion of her day. Tons of mom’s write blogs about various subjects. Or, get this, some even have JOBS! Can you believe it? In the 21st century some women choose to organize their time in a way so they can parent AND pursue various other endeavors.

      Beyond that, this blog is clearly a great resource for other parents in her similar position and for her to solicit advice and ideas on her own sons. That’s why her blog in general, and this post in particular, is not just a ‘morality play’, but could potentially help her as she raises her children.

      Feb 11, 2011 at 11:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • justiceontherocks
      justiceontherocks

      @CampusRadical: I get it now. We need help raising children so we get the advice of anonymous people on the internet.

      Right. That makes a lot of sense.

      Maybe she’ll solicit your help. Then the kids will absolutely be messed up.

      Feb 11, 2011 at 12:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DR
      DR

      @justiceontherocks:

      I’ve been debating how best to write those sentiments, and you got it in one, thanks. Children are not put on this Earth for a parent to blog about them and show everyone how “cool” and “hip” they are, and they certainly aren’t interesting little anecdotes to fuel a blog.

      How will these kids feel in five, ten, or fifteen years? Have any of these parents thought of that? What happens when they’re old enough to grasp that mom and/or dad put so much personal info about them out there on the web for everyone to see/read? How will they feel about being shown on TV and in magazines? These parents need to make decisions which best serve their children, not their own egos.

      Feb 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CampusRadical
      CampusRadical

      @justiceontherocks: She’s clearly not raising her kids based solely on the advice of anonymous internet users but there’s nothing wrong with seeing what other people think who are/have been in similar situations. Reasonable people can then filter that input and advice and make whatever decisions they think are best based on the broad evidence. People do it all the time either with other internet users or friends or any other resources as their disposal. It’s called critical thinking and I don’t think most people consider it a bad thing. Based on what she has written she is clearly a competent mother but in a relatively unique situation who is trying to do what’s best for her kids and family…the temerity of some people!

      @ DR: I am much more sympathetic to the question of privacy of the people involved, however she clearly addresses this by using pseudonyms for everyone so their privacy basically left intact. Plus she’s not exactly writing damaging or shocking information about anyone involved. I have trouble imagining any scenario where one of these children is emotional scarred based on her affection and caring anecdotes about the family…

      Feb 11, 2011 at 3:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      I don’t see anything wrong with the blogging itself, and she might learn useful information from other people, and vice versa. However, the situation is quickly taking on the tone of a lady obsessed with prepping her youngest son for the role of Fabulous with a capital F! gay man, when he is only three years old. There’s that, and the issue of the other son who is probably lost and confused, and, with the amount of emphasis put on “CJ” neglected on a pretty serious mental and emotional level. I get that straight parents don’t know what to do with/about a potentially gay child, and she is doing all she can. I also applaud it, as many would panic and try to stifle the girly stuff, which would be wrong. But I can’t help but think there is a lot of potential for resentment from the older son, and obvious disappointment in “CJ” if he doesn’t turn out to be as flaming as some of us who post on this site. There is still the very real potential that this is a pre gender recognition phase, and the kid could be gasp! straight.

      Feb 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DR
      DR

      @CampusRadical: The pics seem pretty obvious to me. Pics of cakes, refurbished scooters, the park….

      Feb 11, 2011 at 9:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jem
      Jem

      @justiceontherocks: Have you considered that blogging about happenings in her life may be and outlet for CJ’s Mother to cope with stress or to sort out her feelings? There are more reasons for people to blog other than the entertainment of outsiders. Of course, I do not wish to put words in her mouth by saying these are her reasons. I am just bringing up the possibility. There is no harm done in blogging about her sons if there is no personal information given out.

      @DR: I see what you are getting at with the (and I quote) “one of these children is emotional scarred based on her affection and caring anecdotes about the family” scenario. However, it would be a different story if people were to find out who these kids are. This is not the case.

      CJ’s Mother, I agree with some of the other posters here in that you need to sit down and talk with your other son. Though it may sound good in the long run to have him say confidently to others that his younger brother is still rather effeminate, he is obviously not comfortable with this fact himself. As people have a period where they must learn to accept themselves, there is also a period where they must learn to accept those around them. He is only 7, and way too young to do this on his own. If you don’t help him you may possibly continue to, however unintentional it may be, neglect the feelings of one or both of your children at various times in your life and you will regret it. Good luck.

      P.S. I do love reading your blog. It is very entertaining.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 12:34 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CampusRadical
      CampusRadical

      @DR: The pictures seem to obviously to show what? A human child? I don’t understand, would you recognize that boy’s name or face from based off of that photo?

      I’m sorry, but I really don’t see how that innocuous photo violates anyone’s privacy in a meaningful way.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 2:09 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matt
      Matt

      Hello,
      I want to address the article rather than an ignorant Internet bully. I am a 20 year old gay guy, while I might not be the most effeminate man, I definetly have my moments. While I was growing up my parents could tell I was different, and so could everyone else. For that I was teased and bullied out of public school and into another school where I was also bullied. It took me until my sophomore year in highschool to figure out my mistakes that lead to me being bullied all time in grade school. I would react. I would cry everyday in school, I was pegged as an easy target. It had less to do with what they teased me about and all to do with the way I responded to them. In sophomore year something clicked and I just couldn’t care less about what other people thought, found a couple loyal friends and would laugh with those that teased me (though most times I would laugh to get them to leave). I showed people that I could be cool with them so that they’d leave me alone. It earned me into being one of the popular spots in highschool (which by the way is good for self esteem but dangerous in other ways).
      Embaressment is something we have to conquer, but a good thing to know is while some people might laugh or snicker at you, they’ll laugh harder if you react negatively, but make it funny and they’ll be your friend. Obviously not at the cost of your son, and I believe you are treading the right path by having said in public that CJ is the most beautiful princess in the world. It shows that you could care less about those upscale designer moms. And something that is important to uphold when raising children despite sexual orientation is that you can’t always yield to those with different opinions. Standing your ground is important to show that everyone no matter the sex, race or sexual orientaion is allowed an equal opportunity. However, lying may seem like a reasonable option, but lying is a way to make fake friends but telling the truth is the only way to make true friends.
      While my argument may seem completely cliché and straight from a Disney film it’s worked for me. I hope CJ’s brother can ignore those pesky kids and embrace his brothers uniqueness, while embracing his own.
      One last thing, my boyfriend of one year (whome I love dearly) has aspergers, which makes him very childlike at times. I find that it bothers me when he plays his Nintendo DS in public. I realize that he’s not doing anything wrong but I am more than a little aware that playing pokemon in public (at dinner, or at a theater or on public transportation) for a 21 year old looks a bit strange. That usually gets people around us to take notice of us and the fact that we’re together. St. Louis is not exactly a gay friendly city, it’s by no means a danger zone but there are places where when he flips out his DS I deeply wish I had a firearm in which to protect myself from disgruntled and bigoted drunk men. I know that no harm may ever befall upon me, but that’s how I feel in the moment like everyones staring at me. I have no choice but to accept it and defend it because he has every right to be a gay nerd in public if he so chooses, and I choose to be with him, but it’s going to take some getting used to. I currently try ignore the biligerent remarks because the ignorant will stay that way no matter what you do, unless you kill them, but that’s not recomended.
      Good luck!
      P.S. I apologize for all my spelling and grammar, I’m writing on a phone and it’s proving quite difficult to edit. I hope you can forgive me for that.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 4:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matt
      Matt

      Also I wanted to state that I beleive you are being good parents in general by taking what ever comes. But like shannon1981 stated your boys are very young and have lots of time to change. Who knows what the next years will bring. CJ could even be a transexual, it’s not likely but it’s always a possiblilty. CJ’s brother has lots of time to discover who he is and accept himself, which the only thing you can do is be supportive and distill solid morals. My advice is not to follow celebrities. He will learn to accept his brother in time, it’s not going to be the easiest thing, but when you live with a person long enough you start to get used to certain behavior as CJ’s brother will. As long as you give each son equal amounts of attention and teach them to deal with their bullies, things will get easier.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 5:21 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • justiceontherocks
      justiceontherocks

      @Jem: There was a lot more to my point than the potential harm from blogging about a VERY young child who may or may not be gay, although they do seem to be self-indulgent pieces that make this small child the “star of the show.”

      Her primary job as a parent, other than providing love food and shelter, is to make sure her children have happy well-rounded lives. Her obsession with one facet of one child is not consistent with producing a “balanced” life. None of the posts are about any of the child’s activities other than his effeminate behavior. That’s not balance.

      And don’t assume no harm is done because “no personal information is given out.” People know. Bloggers don’t keep secrets. She can blog about any damn thing she wants. She can write a book and sell 15 copies or try to sell her story to Hollywood or do any other thing she wants. But none of this is helping her child in the least and that should always be her foremost consideration.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 9:14 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matt
      Matt

      Wow, were you scarred for life by a blog…
      This woman is not selling her children into slavery, she’s getting advice. About recognizing the children, unless you or someone admits they know who this family is, I would say her and her children’s privacy is still safe… Also this isn’t the most mainstream site in the world ( I had to do some searching just to find it).
      By the way this is a very common thing, you know blogging… identities are pretty safe, there’s nothing for the kids to be embarassed about since no one knows who they are!

      Feb 12, 2011 at 9:35 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      People blog about their kids, their lives, etc all the time. And not just something like this either. It is pretty common place to post every detail of your life- and that also, in turn, if you are a parent, means your kids’ lives- on some form of social media these days. I don’t think any kid growing up in these times will ever think it odd at any point down the road, or be scarred by it. We don’t know who these people are, and I don’t think anyone here would out them(pun intended) if we WERE to figure it out.

      I just think that the focus on CJ’s effeminate nature is a bit out of control, and it seems to rule every aspect of this family’s lives, if I am reading these blogs right. That is only to be expected, coming from people who probably never in a million years expected to be dealing with something like this. But, at the same time, I think it is unhealthy for the older brother, and possibly CJ as well. However, I stand by giving the mom a pat on the back for accepting him and doing everything she can to show him that.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 11:06 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matt
      Matt

      That’s true, I firmly believe that even if we were to find out their true identities it wouldn’t matter at all… Parents tell much worse gossip to their friends anyway (especially about their children whether or not they’re effeminate). When I was younger my parents would send out a Christmas letter to maybe 30 of their friends telling the events of the year that usually including at least one embarassing story about how I shocked them (not nessacarily about me being effeminate or gay) in he said, she said format. In all of these years it never bothered me because in the end people thought it was cute or endearing.

      I have noticed the fact that your blog is mainly about CJ… But that doesn’t bother me one bit. My cousin was very similar because he never got into sports and he liked dolls and other girly things at an early age and I think it threw his parents for a loop as well. It’s totally normal to be shocked how different an effeminate son can be. At least you don’t ignore the obvious and try to get him to like sports and other such manly things (I realize he’s three, it’d be a bit crazy if you did). I also noticed with my cousin that with his brother being more “normal” (for lack of a better word) he tends to stand out more. It’s almost natural to topic a blog around a kid that is getting lots of attention from others, and I don’t know the gay climate in Orange county so I can’t judge whether or not many people are cool with it, but I imagine in the moment people judge possibly unfairly especially the other kids. I’m personally glad to write about this because not everyone knows what to fo or how to cope with their children being the subject of ridicule.

      Now I’m sure you pay equal amounts of attention to each son, but since others have brought up the point that CJ takes the spotlight on the blog, it is extremely important that CJ’s brother gets his time to have fun without being in the shadow of his brother. And as Shannon1981 said before you don’t want him to feel obligated to take care of CJ or have to always deal with his brother at times where he should be off being a kid.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 11:53 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      @Matt: I know the repercussions of both sides of this: both having your nature stifled by parents who refuse to accept you as you are, and of being overshadowed by siblings. My parents didn’t- and still don’t- accept the fact that I am gay. Just the other day my dad told me I need to find myself a man. *insert eyeroll here* Luckily I am a pretty strong- willed person and I am over it, but sure, the childhood scars from that never went away. So doing the things she does to support CJ is immensely important.

      I also see how bitter my cousin is with my aunt, and how their relationship is strained at best. He won’t ever let that go. Deep down, he thinks he never was nor will ever be as important to his mother as his sister. Nothing to be done about that, and the past is the past. I think CJ’s mom is concerned and loving enough to not want that with her older son.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scribe
      scribe

      It is just me and my brother. i am the oldest. He was the first person in the family to know for sure I was gay. I would sit on a lounge chair reading a book, as he played football in the street. He caught me sleeping with one of his football playing buds when he was 14.
      You cannot force Cj’s brother to love him or protect him. It will mostly like make the brother hate Cj. The brothers will have to work out their relationship. My brother was hurt as hell when he found out about me, but we got through it. My whole life I had had his back and he realized it.
      My dad put me in boxing and martial arts at five, because he wanted me to man up. I AM SO HAPPY HE DID, even though the reasons were messed up. I never felt the need to run from a fight. I never needed protection from the world.
      I would suggest introducing Cj to strong female charaters… wonder woman, Xena, she-ra, anything that show being femme is not weakness, is not waiting to be saved. The world is going to be hard for him, plant the seed now that he has a right to be himself, the right to protect himself.
      My newphew is 12, sort of femme, and was bullied. I put him in tae kwon do, (and showed him a few moves) the change in him was cool to see. He is not afraid all the time anyore. Grades have gone back up. He loves going to tae kwon, specially talking to and sparring with the other femme boy in class.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 1:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Coy
      Coy

      This is a “gay” blog site. So it would make sense that most information or entertainment would be gay oriented.
      Yes, it would.

      So Rainbow Mum giving a fair amount of “blog time” to CJ because he displays “effeminate, possibly gay…” characteristics also makes sense. I also feel it’s safe to point out that this blog probably does not encompass her daily life in it’s entirety. So basically, we do not have the whole picture.

      Every comment doesn’t have to be supportive but there is everything “right” with posting a comment that may differ in opinion but also offers some objectivity. Righteousness and insults are of no value. In this blog she is seeking thoughts and
      ideas from others regarding CJ’s brothers embarrassment and bullying . Clearly she’s a smart parent as evidenced by the fact that she’s gathering information in order to help make a good decision about her issue. I believe bad parenting would be NOT reaching out to others who may have lived through the exact same situation.

      @Rainbow Mum, I can tell you that I was a sensitive kid that read a lot, worked on my sewing skills and thought of my well appointed bedroom as my apartment. I definitely had fem moments but I also happily rough housed with friends and brothers. My Mom thought early on that I might be gay but she never tried to alter my behaviour to suit the “norm.” I had a brother that called me “faggot” from the time that I was 5 and another brother who was just clueless.
      Neither of them ever stood up for me. I stood up for myself.
      My esteem was solid and my confidence high throughout my childhood. MHO…when asked about his little brother’s toys and whatnot CJ’s brother shouldn’t lie and he’s not obligated to give details either. Offering a *shrug* or a “idon’tknow” will probably suffice. It worked for my little cousin who’s older brother carries lip gloss (chapstick) in his purse (backpack carried like a handbag). And they are both fine.

      Feb 12, 2011 at 11:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • O
      O

      @Matt: When you turn 21, take some training classes, both in how to properly handle the mechanical aspects of the tool, and some specific classes on how to be a responsible adult carrying a weapon. There’s no reason not to at least know how to use the most effective tools for self-defence.

      It’s hard to bash someone who can fight back.

      http://www.a-human-right.com/s_pp-ar-glock.jpg

      A link to the relevant information for your state. It looks like Missouri actually has fairly reasonable concealed carry laws.

      http://handgunlaw.us/states/missouri.pdf

      Feb 19, 2011 at 3:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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