If you missed Monday’s season finale of Help Me, I’m Stupid The A-List: New York, tiaras gurl, tiaras—sip champagne from a high-heeled shoe and celebrate you! But if you did watch it… ugh… then you survived a televised flop-orgy of deluded, drunken-eyed self-pity. Let’s relive the low-lights and look into what we can expect from next week’s cast reunion.
The entire “plot” this season has been about Austin and Derek fake-fighting over the fake dissolution of their fake friendship as Austin prepares to marry some Brit-tard named Jake. Meanwhile, token black woman Nyasha (pronounced “nausea”) has been busy making Nyasha into a brand called “Nyasha.”
So anyway, the finale begins with the gang planning on seeing Nyasha’s North American debut in Atlantic City while ditching Austin and Jake’s bachelor party… which also just happens to be in Atlantic City—OMG! Total coincidence.
If you’re wondering why Austin’s friends would wanna miss out on his bachelor party, you obviously haven’t been watching the show. To put it gently, Austin Armacost is a one-man, train-wreck of a boy-child—something that becomes disturbingly obvious during his shared limo ride to Atlantic City. During the trip Austin proposes that Jake and Jake’s friends join him in an iPhone “strip tease” game. Except no one but Austin wants to play. He then proceeds to unleash his unalluring man pies and bust out his musty nutsack while wearing his see-through briefs as a necklace. You can almost see Jake’s British pals fidgeting with their power windows as they desperately look away.
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Meanwhile Derek, Ryan, Reichen, and Rodiney go to a nice relaxing man-spa where they all fight over who’s gonna tell Austin that he’s the Queen of Flop Sweats. Tweedle-Twink and Tweedle-Pale (Ryan and Derek) elect Reichen (the man, not the cologne), because Reichen is too dumb to object. In an aside, Rodiney says that he has been trying to tell everyone that Austin is a bad person ever since the first episode of season one. But no one ever listens to Rodiney because his subtitles don’t appear in real life.
A side note: Rodiney remains the hottest guy on the entire show and (thankfully) the only one to actually disrobe and enter the sauna—these three-seconds of dunder-headed eye-candy alone made the season finale worth watching.
Back in New York, Mike Ruiz has an actual life that involves lunching with Margaret Cho. Mike admits that he has not eaten carbs since 1972 while Cho talks about all the uncut “turtleneck” cocks that she plans on snapping back like slingshots at the Edinburg Fringe Festival. Get this girl another drink, honey!
It also turns out that Cho is an official minister with the Universal Life Ministry—you can become one too for free! Mike would love to have Cho officiate his wedding if he ever decides to get married to his clone, Martin. Then… TOTAL SOOPRISE, Mike proposes to Martin less than 20 minutes later.
At this point, Mike breaks a reality show rule by exposing what seems like genuine emotion and tears as he proposes to his look alike. Mike romantically mentions that he wants to change Martin’s Depends. Oooh, gurl, you know how to romance a fella.
But seeing as Mike has pledged not to star in season three so he can move forward with his career judging RuPaul’s Drag Race, this is likely one of the last times we’ll Team Mirkin together as a couple. Good luck, Murkin!
Back in Atlantic City—the poor man’s Shreveport—Austin proceeds to ruin a romantic evening with Jake in their hotel room hot tub and later an ultra-cool burlesque show by bitching non-stop about how his friends suck. Reichen and Ryan later invite Austin to their hotel room to tell him that Jake has cheated on him and that Austin has cheated on Jake.
Predictably, Austin begins blubbering tears of bacon grease while saying, “This is what is so fucked up with gay men nowadays… they can’t keep in their dick in their pants,” which is pretty much the same cowflop that Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger uttered last week, except Austin is gay, so it’s totes okay when he says it—REPRESENT!
Vignette: Reichen and Rodiney go rollerblading together because they’re besties now. Rodiney admits that he will keep dating girls “if they hot,” except he pronounces “girls” like “gruels.”
When Team Nausea goes out for a pre-show dinner, Ryan bores everyone with tales of his mobster ex-boyfriend, Derek’s hairline slowly eats away at his scalp, and Rodiney over-uses the phrase “Bitch please.” He says it about eleven times. Who taught her how to say that? You know she didn’t learn it on her own.
In the backstage dressing area, Nausea does her best to cake makeup all over her craters while her back-up dancers get their eyes made-up like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Nausea then bursts onstage like a drag queen and lip synchs her song “Rise Up”—now ignorable on iTunes! After performing for all of three minutes, she and the bois celebrate herself with a clear bottle of blurred-out vodka.
CUT TO: Austin’s two-man bachelor party. He and Jake sit in badly upholstered office chairs while a hunky black stripper waves his censored bits in their faces and then faux-tops them both—yes, apparently this is a marriage of two bottoms… we give it six months, “tops.”
After fake-bottoming, Austin’s fiancee basically tells the Italian sausage in the fedora sitting next to him that he’d like to for-real-bottom for him. Meanwhile, Austin gets all Princess Pouty Lumps. When Jake asks what’s wrong, Austin replies, “You know, Jake.” Which is great, because Jake doesn’t know and that’s what makes great television and strong marriages.
Moments later, Austin and Jake later both lie to each other by saying that neither one is cheating on the other. They then promise to never bring reality into their doomed relationship ever again.
That more or less wraps it up though the preview for next week’s cast reunion features nonstop F-bombs while everyone calls everyone else a liar. It’s kinda like C-SPAN meets The Bad Girls Club. We’ll see you there, suckers.
J. Bocca
Why is Nyasha on this show. Is she pre-op and I don’t know? She is disgusting, horrible, wicked, nasty, brutal, did I say disgusting? Gees! Get that crooked wig wearing heffa out of there.
Michael
Are any of these people supposed to be remotely likeable? Are any of these people besides the predictable girl whos full of herself Nausea supposed to be positive representations of the gay community? Im not seeing it either one actually.
Hilarious recap though had me in stitches lol
ToptoBottomNYC
Um, what happened to Dave White? I liked his recaps better.
Daniel Villarreal
@ToptoBottomNYC: He couldn’t do it this week (mas o menos)
Sean212
The ratings for the finale were way lower than the finale of season 1. Based on how bad the numbers were for season 2 thankfully there shouldn’t be a season 3.
Will
We do our community a major disservice by watching this show or LOGO period.
We should just let LOGO go away and die and hopefully a better LGBT Cable Network will take its place.
LOGO = The NEW Gay Shame
Little Kiwi
friends and i pitched a show to LOGO years ago – “Made It” – stories about LGBT people who (for varying reasons) left home and had to fend for themselves and how they “made it” – their lives, careers, and successes as openly-gay people born into a world that isn’t made for them. true-life stories about queer people who, despite the odds, managed to make their lives their own, and theirs to enjoy.
we were told it wasn’t “sexy and exciting enough”.
truth.
Cam
I LOVE how they Act like Nyasha was hired to perform there. Please. The Show rented the performance space and gave away free tickets to pretend that it was actually a real concert.
As for Austin. He’s a mess, but I think it’s weird for the author to keep insinuating that he is obese etc… Should he look like an Olsen Twin like Derek?
Lastly, the funniest part was when Ryan, perhaps realizing what an ass he looks like on TV tries to keep saying that he has never been disloyal to Austin etc…
Ugh, all of these people are repulsive.
MikeE
@Daniel Villarreal: I don’t have the (dis)pleasure of watching this “show”, but I would like to thank you, Daniel, for providing me with the humorous highpoint of my week. Your recap of the show was hysterical, regardless of how ToptoBottomNYC feels. Keep up the great work. This was très drôle! (sorry, French is as close to Spanish as I can get)
Cam
@J. Bocca: said…
“Why is Nyasha on this show. Is she pre-op and I don’t know? She is disgusting, horrible, wicked, nasty, brutal, did I say disgusting? Gees! Get that crooked wig wearing heffa out of there.”
________________________-
Amen. Also, the fact that she has demanded that Austin “Hit her again” something like 50 times, then calling him a chicken shit when he doesn’t take her up on it makes her sound truly insane.
Skye
@Little Kiwi: I would watch that, and be inspired. Kinda “Living the Gaymerican Dream”.
Michael
But no one ever listens to Rodiney because his subtitles don’t appear in real life.
LMFAO hes gorgeous but too funny
Little Kiwi
@Skye: That was our pitch. We were met with “how about some sexy porn stars?”
We sorta said “uh…ok, actually. it’s a legit form of work and there are no doubt actors in the adult industry who have stories to share, but there are also stories of LGBT people, not just gay white muscle gods, whose stories will inspire people.”
we were met with blank stares.
i’m not kidding.
we are a community RICH with stories to inspire. people who were kicked out of homes, lived in shelters, struggled and fought to get by, who nevertheless have triumphed and made successful (by THEIR OWN standards) lives. People who had nothing who made something of themselves. but no, apparently that’s not sexy enough.
*le sigh*
lizcivious
I apologize for watching this show. As a straight girl, I am fully aware that these A-List (?) fools do NOT represent the gay community. I really doubt that many straight people watch LOGO. For one thing, the channel is not available to many of the cable or satellite providers, and some require that you pay extra to receive it. I get it free. I just view A-List as sappy entertainment. But then, I’m not a gay man. I don’t feel that those harpies on the Housewives shows represent me as a female, so I don’t get offended. They do offend me, but it’s because of who they are, not what I am. It would be nice if there was a gay-oriented channel that was similar to IFC or Sundance. LOGO is an offshoot of MTV, and we all know how that’s gone down hill over the years. LOGO has actually offered some quality programs, mostly during the day. I’ve DVR’d several interesting documentaries that should have been shown at during prime time. It’s a shame that no one wants to air worthwhile programming anymore. Sensationalism attracts viewers and makes money. Does anyone remember when Bravo used to air documentaries and indie and foreign films? Sure, I enjoy some trash TV (I’ll probably stoop to A-List Dallas), but there needs to be a balance. I think I mostly watch the trashy shows because the recaps on the various blogs are so damn funny.
Zee
I didn’t watch…wouldn’t waste my time on something so stupid.
Skye
@Little Kiwi: That show is exactly what I would watch. Something that is inspiring even to people in the closet, that showcases hard work to get to the top. Not just “being a hard top”. If they want sexy, I find someone who worked hard to get where they are in life, overcame adversity, and are now successful and confident members of society to be sexy. I wouldn’t want to hook up with anyone on A-List, because I don’t have a mirror in my bedroom in which they can gaze admiringly.
I have no problem with trash TV, a little Jerry Springer is fun every once in a while. But I a diet of junk food won’t inspire and inform your life in general.
Franco
I have never watched this show but enjoy the recaps on Queerty. However, I would like to take issue with the author on his treatment of Austin’s physique. I’m not sure what you expect him to look like, or what you consider to be the ideal body, but it’s statements like “cellulite-ridden”, and “pudgy man pies” that are the real problems for me. I understand it’s meant to be humorous but I would focus more on his terrible personality as opposed to his body, which if you ask me, should not be the central issue.
Daniel Villarreal
@Franco: Point taken and retracted. 😀 Plus Mr. Armacost always goes on and on about his weight because of his failed half-baked failure at modeling when he’s actually in okay shape.
George412
@Little Kiwi:
Kiwi, not sure when you started watching Logo, but the first couple of years Logo was on they had a lot of inspiring TV….COMING OUT STORIES (Chronicled people coming out), FIRST COMES LOVE (a cute show that showed gay couples getting married in Canada because that was where you could get married then), REAL MOMENTUM (A documentary series that told real stories about being Latino & Gay, LGBT on the rodeo circuit, a gay rugby team in Chicago, gay and Republican, etc.) They also had a great docuseries about a gay basketball team. They also has CBS News on Logo that gave real stories of LGBT across the US. They were all cancelled because nobody was watching. Sadly, the gays in the audience didn’t flock to the channel to be inspired. For some reason inspirational TV doesn’t rate. Just ask Oprah and the problems she is having with her failing network.
Little Kiwi
@George412: i hear that. we’re in an age of cheap-to-produce tacky bullshit being what people want.
it’s galling. that’s why when a film like “Tree of Life” comes around i think “YES! Someone’s making somethign challenging and anti-commercial!”
ToptoBottomNYC
@Little Kiwi: Oh my god. That’s the show I’ve been yearning for. It disgusts me that you were turned down. Makes me respect LOGO even less.
Cam
@Little Kiwi:
Thats because Logo isn’t a gay network, it’s a networks that thinks it can make some money off the community.
slurp
This show does to gays what the Maury show does to blacks.
UWSguy
Great wrap up. I almost–just almost–wish the show would stay on the air so I can laugh at Queerty’s reviews
doublestandard
If those inspirational stories had the viewership, dont you think they still be on? Like you people say, they are looking to profit. Hey its a free country let em profit, and I am yet to meet a group of straight people who sit around waiting for the A list NY to come on. And I remember when Rockdogs (the gay basketball documentary) was on..people complain about Logo then.
kitty litter
Does Austin even have a job?
Wouldn’t we rather see a show of porn stars everyday life? It would be more realistic and more entertaining.
Poor Austin. For the rest of his life he will have to try to live this show down. I pre-DICK that the will be a junkie by 30 since he is so vain and has no talent.
I think the joke is in the title———A list. They never really told us what the A was for. I can think of a lot of words that begin with A that should go after Austin’s name.
And as for Riechen, who I actually like he is, what almost 40 and Austin is 22. Sound’s a little creapy. And why would he ever not want Rodiney in his bed. If he can’t understand him he can always put something in his month to shut him up. And if you saw last week’s show when Rodiney was dancing the man is hung like a horse.
Rich
@Kitty Litter: Austin’s apparently already seen in rehab. Perhaps he met Jake there as it was supposedly in the UK.
@various–LOGO now endlessly recycles shows from other MTV networks. I’m guessing that it will be refashioned into something different (not a “gay network”) in the next year or so. I’m guessing they’d do uplift if the boys were pretty and the stories were exploitively sappy.
Preppyguy
What a bunch of know-nothing drama queenz, and that toxic Nytrasha is vile. It’s too bad Logo cannot find something more uplifting or constructive to play at the hour.