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The A-List: New York Recap: “Tell Me About Your Tanning”

 

A new cast member arrives on the scene this week. Well, sort of.

Those of you with fond memories of Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew might recognize Duncan Roy, the British director/producer with a strong appetite for Internet hook-up sites.

Now Duncan’s A-List-adjacent, taking Derek out on dates, giving him watches and peppering him with meaningful get-to-know-you-isms like, “Tell me about your tanning.”

“It’s going really well,” answers Derek, proud of his accomplishment. And sure, this sounds like a love-match, but…

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before the show re-introduces Duncan to a public starved for a status update from the online sex trenches, everybody has to get some Botox. I blame Edwing for this. Remember Edwing? He made an appearance last season and now we see him again, retailing it in a shop full of ugly shiny things—garments Ryan and Derek can’t get enough of. “Shopping centers me,” reports Ryan, before stepping out of a dressing room and presenting for the camera in blinding red pants and a strappy upper-body article of clothing that isn’t really recognizable as men’s wear. To accurately describe the thing, you’d have to refer to it as a “top.” In Ryan’s defense, he looks really comfortable, so I hope he bought it, price be darned.

Anyway, the Botox. You know that after you go into a store that refers to itself as a boutique and have a dude named Edwing assisting you, the only reasonable next step is a trip to the dermatologist to get a face full of poison. You’re about 30 now, after all—time to hit it early and hard, make that shit look as waxy and weird and Bruce Jenner-ish as you can. That way when you’re 50, you’ll have made your goal of resembling a 38 year-old female cat a triumphant reality.

Derek and Austin’s UK spouse, Jake, take needles to the forehead, while Austin simply wants as much in his armpits as possible to wreck his sweat glands and make all the perspiration come out of his ankles. There’s no sweating in Playgirl. The aspiring centerfold’s agonizing needle-screams are one reason your TiVo remote’s eight-second “repeat” button was invented.

To celebrate his armpit paralysis, Austin decides to throw a cocktail party, hoping to demonstrate to all the naysayers and interventioners that he can tank up without physically attacking Rodiney, that “cocktails aren’t the problem.” This is true, cocktails are not the problem; Austin is. Then he agrees that Rodiney’s decision to take out a restraining order against him is probably a good idea. Austin knows that the more him-proofed the world is, the safer we all are.

Not wanting to court trouble in the opening moments of an episode lest we all lose interest by the first commercial break, the show sequesters Rodiney in an undisclosed location, allowing him to comment on the action without actually showing up. In almost-Portuguese-kinda-English, Rodiney swaggers up to the plate to take a swing at an American idiomatic expression and smashes its skull open with the aluminum bat, reminding everyone in the listening audience that he doesn’t trust Austin as far as he “can throw to him.” Can Rodiney get a spin-off series? He’d make an excellent Punk’d-style game show host for a competition where the contestants would have to understand the rules as explained by Rodiney, then do exactly as he instructs, no matter how baffling.

Nyasha’s more or less absent this week, too. We get about three minutes of her and T.J. in the Nyasha Club Hit Dance Records Recording Studio. The sound guy plays back a Nyasha-vocalized track. It sounds like “Pokerface” performed by a swarm of angry bees. Nyasha enjoys T.J.’s company and T.J. enjoys Nyasha. She announces that he keeps it real (true) and he talks about how her music is pop and how gays support pop and how gays like to flip their hair in the manner of Beyoncé and how gays enjoy things that sound like bees.

Later, celebrity stylist Phillip Bloch meets with Austin. This meeting was called in order to better allow Bloch to pinch Austin’s non-existent fat wads and express happiness that Austin took his advice and stopped being so obese. Bloch also called this meeting to piss on Austin’s activist spirit. See, Austin hopes his boner shots will advance the cause of bi-national couples and their immigration concerns. But Bloch’s here to remind Austin that this approach lacks efficacy. No, Bloch doesn’t say “efficacy.” They’d have bleeped it out. Anyway, Austin disagrees. Meeting over.

Except wait, because now Ryan is on camera telling the audience that, in spite of all visual evidence to the contrary, Austin is still extremely fat and gross and has no business posing for Playgirl, that nobody wants to look at “the Pillsbury Doughboy eating bacon.” And technically Ryan is correct. We want to see the Pillsbury Doughboy eating some Pop n’ Fresh cinnamon rolls (dough-erection optional).

Complementing Edwing’s cameo, Gina’s back this episode, too. First season viewers may remember her as Derek’s best friend and assistant, the one who, in order to keep her job, endured him pronouncing her name like it was vagina’s second syllable. There really is nothing quite like the intimate bond between gay men and the women they hate.

Derek tells Gina that he’s already done with Duncan, that Duncan’s old and nasty and has a smell. And the gift watch was used. And that now Austin has gotten all buddy-buddy with Duncan, going so far as to invite him to the watch-me-get-fun-drunk party. There’s no good reason for Austin’s invite, of course, because it was the show’s idea. And this hurts Derek a lot, so much so that Ryan announces on interview-cam, “I know that Derek is hurt [but] he’s not the type to show emotions.”

Thanks, Botox.

By:           Dave White
On:           Aug 9, 2011
Tagged: , , , , , ,

  • 26 Comments
    • Mike in Asheville
      Mike in Asheville

      What is this shit?

      Aug 9, 2011 at 10:38 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mike Moore
      Mike Moore

      I can understand the “guilty pleasure” of Bravo TV … … but can Queerty at least refer to these dorks as the D-listers?

      (don’t get me wrong, guilty pleasures are cool … I’ve been known to lock the doors, pull down the blinds, and watch “Into the Blue” simply because Paul Walker is shirtless throughout much of the film)

      but “A-List” ought to be reserved for gay guys who have actually made some significant accomplishments in both career and philanthropy …

      I’d start with David Geffen (‘nuf said) … Tom Ford … James Hormel (a founder of HRC, first gay US ambassador, and huge $ supporter of many gay causes) … Dan Savage (destroyer of Rick Santorum and creator of “it gets better” campaign) … Tim Gill (software and political king-maker) … Ricky Martin … John Cooper (Sundance, Outfest)

      come on guys, we can do better than these clowns … who’s on your true A-List?

      Aug 9, 2011 at 11:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • timncguy
      timncguy

      @Mike Moore: The problem being that no one who actually would deserve to be described as A-List (either for your description or for the normal entertainment industry description) would lower themselves to be a part of something like this in the first place.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 11:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jason
      Jason

      Frankly, Duncan looks like the only interesting person on the show, and someone you’d like to have a drink with.

      Derek is still a pissy chambermaid (she will never be queen), desperate for a story line which is why they plopped Duncan as his potential love interest. Please. Derek is about as interesting as a bottle of tanning lotion lying half used in a trash can.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 11:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mike Moore
      Mike Moore

      amen, my brother.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 11:27 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      I detest this posing but have to say it was always my understanding the A list was composed of people with fantastic careers not clothes and skin product. PATHETIC. Shallow and infantile.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 11:36 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • timncguy
      timncguy

      @ewe: “clothes and skin product” LOLOLOL have you seen this program? The clothes these guys wear are nothing to talk about. LOLOLOLOLOL For some unknown reason at the end of this week’s episode Derek was wearing a large “clump” of some gauzy material I guess as a kind of scarf around his neck to complement his A-shirt. LOLOLOLOLOL

      I do agree with your assessment that A-List should have meant famous people with good careers and some sort of social standing. None of that applies here. But, then again, why would anyone who was actually A-List have any need to be associated with this?

      Aug 9, 2011 at 12:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Alexa
      Alexa

      I have an idea. Can we keep his husband and deport Austin to Britain? (sorry, Britain)

      Aug 9, 2011 at 12:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • misael
      misael

      It’s just a show, A list, I think means that they are in the A List when it comes to clubs, and they don’t have to wait in line. Again it’s just a show, I find entertaining, I don’t take it seriously. I know Derek, and in real life , he’s a very nice person.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 12:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ben
      Ben

      One of the best lines I’ve read in awhile. *slow clap* Put down the needle guys!

      “You’re about 30 now, after all—time to hit it early and hard, make that shit look as waxy and weird and Bruce Jenner-ish as you can. That way when you’re 50, you’ll have made your goal of resembling a 38 year-old female cat a triumphant reality.”

      Aug 9, 2011 at 12:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • pithyscreenname
      pithyscreenname

      I really love trashy television. But this show is too much. I love to hate characters, but hating them would exert way too much energy.

      They all seem to be terrible excuses for human beings. And enough with calling Austin fat. He has a great body.

      I know it makes ME a terrible person, but watching Derek’s forehead progressively get bigger every episode brings me a wonderful amount of joy.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 12:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • George412
      George412

      @misael:

      Nobody really has to wait in lines at clubs anymore. Most clubs died with the 90s and so did the door policy. I go out to places that I don’t consider “A-List” and often see these idiots. So if they are at the same places I am then they aren’t “A-List” or maybe I am “A-List” along with thousands of other gay men.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 1:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ted B. (Charging Rhino)
      Ted B. (Charging Rhino)

      A real, genuine version of the A-list would be a gay-version of “Royal Pains”…with lots of house-porn and the Red-Hot-Ginge playing shirtless polo with Rodrigo Santoro and the Larson brothers.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 2:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      Can the producers of this show who have financial deals with Nyasha please be fired?

      1. There is no reason for her to be on the show.

      2. Her music….meh

      3. Her mock Diva Attitude is a sad poor imitation of a 7th place runner-up on RuPauls drag race.

      4. The only reason she is on the show, is so they can try to promote her non-existent music career, and the show can use her music during cutaways without having to pay any money for it.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 4:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • misael
      misael

      @ George It’s just a show, The Real Housewives, most are’nt housewives. It’s just a show.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      @timncguy: No i have never seen the program. It doesn’t interest me.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      I have always found it to be twisted when people who are not all that good looking think and behave as if they are great looking. Man oh man, some people live in glass cage isolation. And that certainly is not only a gay thing.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 5:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      @misael: I don’t think you are correct about Alist being about club entrance. lol. That is so funny. It is about being on the ladder up toward phenomenal success in fields such as law, medicine, publishing, architecture etc. Not getting in without waiting on a line. lmao. OY Freagin vey. How far we have come? Sure it includes having fabulous homes and views with great furnishings and eating out but entering a club? I don’t think so. That’s called alcoholism.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 5:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Terry Cloth
      Terry Cloth

      If Rodiney wasn’t on the show it wouldn’t be worth watching. Hate Austin and all the rest.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 6:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • otis
      otis

      Rodiney is the best. Could just stare at him for an hour.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 7:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • miguel valenzuela
      miguel valenzuela

      @pithyscreenname: SO TRUE! I love how balding and fat Derek is getting! Muahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Aug 9, 2011 at 9:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon
      Shannon

      This recap is fucking hilarious.

      Aug 9, 2011 at 10:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • RT
      RT

      Jesus, Reichen got so much botox done in between seasons. He didn’t need it.

      Aug 10, 2011 at 5:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kieran
      Kieran

      I’m reading some of these posts and for the life of me I just can’t understand how gay men ever got their reputation for being bitchy. Here’s an idea, how bout if you hate the show so much you don’t bother watching or commenting on it. Problem solved.

      Aug 10, 2011 at 8:56 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tony
      Tony

      I was wondering why Reichen looked so different and odd this season. I guess it’s the botox.

      Aug 10, 2011 at 10:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chadboy
      Chadboy

      @Kieran:

      Get over yourself Kieran. It’s called freedom of speech. If everyone went to blogs and wrote positive reviews then it’s highly unlikely anyone would visit blogs and comment on them. If these “A-Listers” can have a voice on TV then why can’t people who have seen the show share their thoughts?

      Aug 10, 2011 at 11:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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