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The A-List: New York Recap: “What Are We, 13-Year-Old Girls?”

Other people play drinking games with The A List—or just drink to get through it. But when watching the show with friends my personal drug of choice is cake, if for no other reason than the presumption that carb-rich treats are kryptonite to everyone in the cast who isn’t T.J.

The other kryptonite seems to be activity of any sort that doesn’t involve sitting in a vacant bar with sippy-straws and talking about whichever cast member isn’t present. So when this week’s episode opens with Austin and Jake in a fencing studio spazzily tapping at each other with what Austin refers to as “swore-ds,” it suddenly feels like an episode of Wipeout. It’s also the moment where Austin delivers the line of the week, in reference to some sort of fake drama: “What are we, thirteen-year-old girls?”

Please, not when my mouth is full of cake.

Reichen and T.J. jet off to Hawaii so that Reichen can host something called “Paradise,” an event that is never fully—hell, not even partially—explained. But it’s in Hawaii and it gives T.J. a chance to wear a floppy sun hat and sarong while exclaiming “Girl!” in a way that sounds like “Gorrrhl!” The magic of T.J. is that it sounds appropriate and charming coming from him. Don’t ask for an explanation; supernatural events are inherently mysterious.

While in the Aloha State, Reichen keeps it in the Viacom family by flirting with Real World alum Mike Manning, who responds to Reichen’s advances by repeating the word, “Intense.” Then, reacting in confusion to the non-drinkable cupcakes they hold in their hands, the sexual-tension-duo smash the treats into each other’s faces. In T.J.’s estimation, this callous act of frosting waste comes down to Reichen’s ineptitude at talking to men he wants. Reichen, meanwhile, has been single for weeks now and is drowning in The Well Of Loneliness—for him, the cupcake is a symbol for his deepest desires. He wants to put his soul into your mouth, Mike. Can’t you taste his feelings?

Back in New York, Derek has gone into the spray-tan business with two unusual yet fun-loving women named Joy and Sally. The name of the business is Tansexual. The can’s design spells it TANSXL, suggesting that Rodiney might have lent a conceptual hand.

With his other hand, Rodiney is texting ladies and asking them out on dates. Yep, he’s bisexual now. Maybe he always was? Facts can be hard to remember with this crew. But when Rodiney takes out a woman named Lisa and announces his bisexuality to her at their restaurant table, it’s understandable if you sit at home and wonder what she was thinking when she agreed to go on a date with a camera crew in tow, and then what else she thought when the guy assisting the director said, “A-List: New York, take 13,” and clapped that board. Did she assume the show was about restaurants? Subtitled Brazilians? Models who’re also compulsive list-makers? Her wide eyes get wider when Rodiney asks her if she’s ever done it with a woman. And then out comes calamari that neither of them bother to eat.

Across town, Nyasha meets with Derek to discuss Nyasha’s feelings about Derek. This happens hot on the heels of Derek meeting with Rodiney to discuss who-knows-what. The ultimate Derek-goal here is to build alliances with everyone against Austin, Derek’s former- best-pal-turned-super-enemy thanks to something nobody can remember that kinda maybe happened last week. Look, it doesn’t matter. Everybody’s in a big fight with everybody else and when another actual brawl goes down, it’ll make the show marginally more interesting to look at than rewound, slow-motion man-on-man cupcake sploshing.

Ryan’s not a joiner when it comes to Derek’s us-against-fatso schemings and decides to meet Austin on a park bench to talk about how much everybody hates Austin. Tattletale. They keep their sunglasses on for the duration of the chat. You gotta mask the pain somehow.

Finally, Nyasha and Rodiney and Ryan and Mike Ruiz and Mike’s poor boyfriend and Mike’s poor Dad—two people who’re even less involved in this show than Mike—all show up for Derek’s spray-tan launch. This involves Derek performing a dance number with several swimsuit-clad boy-sylphs. I don’t recognize any of these lithe, orange forms as male bodies but there’s an adequate amount of prancing and it all seems appropriate for a party where the guest of honor is a can of whatever it is you spray on yourself to approximate the color of burnt tangerines.

Oh wait, sorry, that wasn’t the actual “finally.” There’s another. Derek and Austin meet up at their favorite fighting spot, The Empty Diet Soda Lounge, to, in Derek’s words, “end all the drama.” Austin apologizes for whatever he did. Derek refuses to forgive him because what he meant by “end all the drama” was that it was time for him to start crying.

Somewhere in the same city, a group of angry 13-year-old girls are training in the art of Krav Maga and will kick these gays’ asses on their own spin-off show, this fall on Spike.

Tune in to The A List New York every Monday night at 10pm on Logo. Then come back to Queerty on Tuesday for the full recap.

By:           Dave White
On:           Aug 16, 2011
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
  • 14 Comments
    • rascal
      rascal

      Jesus. The more we pay for television the worse the programming becomes. Better to read a book or play with the dog. All these reality shows appeal to the lowest common denominator. Waste of time.

      Aug 16, 2011 at 3:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • phallus
      phallus

      I know right? When I take a road trip to NYC I drive around New Jersey so that I won’t run into Snookie or those REAL New Jersey housewives. I heard they’ve done wonders for the NJ tourist industry.

      Aug 16, 2011 at 4:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BobC562
      BobC562

      I finally figured it out. It’s not the “A-List” like this is a list of A-Grade people (I mean, seriously?).

      It’s just “a list” like my grocery list or my to-do list is a list.

      Now it all makes sense.

      Aug 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      So is it obvious that everything that happens in this show is fake? That guy Duncan was on another reality show, and supposedly he and Derek have been talking and were a couple, and then suddenly, they have an awful time at a date having a conversation that sounds like it’s the first time they met.

      So…Derek just HAPPENS to have become totally enamored with somebody else who has been on reality shows, and yet when they meet they act like they just met.

      This was a totally invented situation.

      Oh, and it’s weird how Reichen can get more and more unimpressive each time he opens his mouth.

      Aug 16, 2011 at 7:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • xander
      xander

      This show would only be watchable if talented @Dave White were meta-commenting on the episodes in real time. Otherwise, it’s really just a sour mess of inconsequential people plotting their next foray onto yet another mind-draining series.

      These guys make Joisey’s Snooki look like a deep and socially conscious thinker.

      Aug 16, 2011 at 8:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • john
      john

      ….I’ve never seen the show, but I love reading these recaps

      Aug 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @xander: said.. “These guys make Joisey’s Snooki look like a deep and socially conscious thinker”

      ________________

      Actually I’ve seen quotes from Snookie that pretty much make me think you were right on the mark with that statement.

      Aug 16, 2011 at 9:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tony
      Tony

      is it me, or does Reichen seem to be IQ challenged? …to put it mildly…

      Aug 16, 2011 at 10:35 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • timncguy
      timncguy

      @Tony: LOLOLOLOL None of these guys seem like the sharpest tools in the shed.

      And, just think. This fall, they’re going to give us the Dallas version of this. Ohhh goody….

      Aug 16, 2011 at 10:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jason
      Jason

      Who knew that Ann Coulter was also into promoting bottles of Agent Orange for the gheyz? Guess hanging out with the GOPrick people changed that old tranny.

      Aug 17, 2011 at 12:50 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Riker
      Riker

      Last season was annoying, this season is mind-numbing. As Tallulah Bankhead said, “There’s less here than meets the eye.” Why is this show even on?

      Aug 17, 2011 at 1:23 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      I would LOVE to find out which member of LOGO has a financial interest in Nyasha’s singing career because there is no other reason for her to be on the show. She didn’t know any of them, she isn’t an engaging character and has nothing to do with the gay community. Somebody is making a dollar on her being on this show.

      Aug 17, 2011 at 10:08 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • PwrBttm
      PwrBttm

      The whole Derek – Austin thing is tired. They are best friends? Uh they hated each other half of the last season. I get the sense someone just gives Derek a script that says you hate Austin this week.

      I appreciate Austin for some odd way. There is something in the way he delivers his lines that deep down he doesn’t buy this bullshit either.

      Aug 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • longyanas
      longyanas

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      Aug 18, 2011 at 4:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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