While Miley Cyrus was twerking overtime to scandalize America (and scarring the Pinkett-Smith children for life) in Brooklyn, over on the West Coast, our favorite dubiously heterosexual, dubiously talented actor-filmmaker-author-artist-scholar-stoner was being treated to his very own Comedy Central Roast. James Franco’s friends and frenemies showed up with guns and blunts blazing to rake the multi-hyphenate over the coals in LA on Sunday. But what kind of James Franco roast would it be without some jokes poking phallic fun at his sexuality?
Since I’ve rarely met a gay joke I didn’t like, or make, we’ll leave it up to you to decide which are the best and the worst ones:
Seth Rogen: “Every guy wants to be him and he wants to be in every guy.”
Sarah Silverman: “I don’t think James is gay or straight. It’s just that he literally can’t open his eyes enough to see who he’s fucking.”
Andy Samberg: “James is so bad in bed, he doesn’t even clean the jizz off my back when he is finished. Talk about chivalry being dead!”
Nick Kroll: “I could see him being gay for a year as an art installation.”
Rogen: “If there were two James Francos, they’d never stop butt-fucking each other.”
Jonah Hill: “He’s like our generation’s Johnny Depp, if Johnny Depp was a worse actor who blew guys.”
Rogen (comparing James Dean to Franco): “They both sucked some dicks and made three good movies.”
Silverman: “James recently won the ally award for his support of the LGBT community. It’s a prestigious award that’s given anally…annually. It’s given annually.”
Rogen: “Franco, you look like you’re asleep. Did you just read a James Franco book? In all seriousness, he is a very hardworking actor. He once told me he worked for 36 hours straight, which I don’t believe — the straight part, obviously.”
Jeff Ross (on the missed opportunity with Milk and 127 Hours): “[They should've been] one epic movie where you get your dick stuck in Sean Penn’s asshole for five days.”
Rogen: “He’s a tough guy to pin down, although I’ve heard many guys have been able to do it.”
Samberg: “James Franco has force-fed me so much dick, you could make foie gras out of my liver.”
Silverman: “Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film because the producers wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill type. But seriously you’ve had such a body transformation in the past couple of years. You have come a long way from just being Sonny and Cher’s daughter.”
Aziz Ansari: “So many gay jokes tonight about Franco. Apparently if you’re clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you’re super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face?”
Okay, Aziz probably had the best gay joke, in that it wasn’t a gay joke at all. Some find all this dick shtick to be offensive towards gay people, but it’s really just lampooning Franco’s own flirtations with gay culture. And just imagine if a bunch of gay comics were making the same jokes.
Of course, if you find all of these jokes to be crass, unfunny and offensive, well you’re probably going to hate The Comedy Central Roast of James Franco when it airs September 2 at 10 pm on Comedy Central.