Coming out is not a one-size-fits-all kind of activity, and often closeted folks have to weigh their need to speak truth against how they perceive their loved ones will react. It’s a lot harder to come out to a Bible-thumping, gun toting dad than it is one who took you to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch when you were twelve. Luckily I got the latter.
And more and more, the tide does seem to be shifting. Kids are coming out at younger ages, and finding more support. Certainly not all the time, but the trend is unstoppable.
We wanted to take a break from the heartbreaking stories and get a sampling of some uplifting coming outs, and Whisper was there to deliver.
Here’s what they found:
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
polarisfashion
Good for these guys! I’m a bit jealous of my one gay friend that has 100% supportive family. I have met his family a couple of times and they are wonderful people.
jwtraveler
The one that I find the most interesting is: “My mom was more upset when I came out as a democrat than when I came out as gay”. It certainly challenges pre-conceived notions of politics and homophobia. My parents are liberals who have always supported civil rights for everyone. On a political and social level, they’re 100% supportive. They have a much harder time with the personal acceptance. Interestingly, my mother has had a lot more difficulty than my father.
Bauhaus
@jwtraveler:
Did you ever ask her why she has a difficult time with you? Embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, grandchildren, guilt? Mothers may feel they have had more influence on their children (guilt), which is absurd. They also tend to like to brag to friends and family about what their children are doing, and if their child is gay, they feel less than (equally absurd).
John Kuehnle
I wish everyone had such wonderful experiences but not all do. Families are not always as shocked or upset as expected.
Scribe38
My dad was supportive as hell to me. Afterwards he called my mother and brother and cursed them both out for not telling him about me.
jwtraveler
@Bauhaus: I’m sure it’s a little bit of all of these things. It’s been a long time since I came out—I’m in my 50s—so I’ve dealt with it thoroughly, but I appreciate your concern and caring spirit.
Glücklich
I’ve never actually told my parents. The first time I ever went away for the weekend with someone I told them “He and I are going down to Carmel for his birthday.” Period. No need for discussion. When I got back I showed them the photos and they were more dismayed with the age difference, though I could tell my dad was not happy about the overall situation. They got over it (or if they didn’t I didn’t care) and life went on. I think they were ashamed at first, like the gay son is not something to brag about in this family which I can understand, but they’re more than happy to brag about their banker son (whose job they don’t understand) and all the entailed trappings. I think because I’ve always been very career-minded and didn’t become a hairdresser they’re OK with it now. Even if they aren’t, I’m the only child and I’ve got zero tolerance for family drama…I just steamroll right over any hint of that nonsense.
tusgold
My take on coming out is yelling it from the rooftops is NEVER a good approach. You go slow and widen your circle as time goes by. Especially when you are still in school. Once you get to college you can use the smee approach and it may take more time but you’ll have a smoother ride
Curty
I was like many who thought I was going to be disowned by my parents, brother’s. But I was wrong. I’m thankful my experience was pleasant and wish some of my friends had better experiences. The work I do I deal with a lot of young people, and majority of them are gay males who have been disowned bu family and have no one to return to. Its very sad and a good support system is needed, shelters or whatever for gay youth for example. But its good to read and personally listen to my friends good experiences on coming and having an accepting family. I thought my dad would take it the worse or my brother’s but they have been supportive. My mom hasn’t because of her religion but she is respectful. All in all I’ve been very fortunate in terms of how people have treated when they found out I was gay. Maybe if I was the more flamboyant type, I’m told people would’ve been less accepting.
Curty
My mom I believe is still, “praying for me.” I love my mom but she is an older Christian woman. I told her just don’t allow this to affect our relationship and she hasn’t. I know her mind won’t change about homosexuality but I know she loves me. That’s good enough for me.
Giancarlo85
My parents are cool with me… but coming from a Catholic country it was a bit difficult at first. It was hard to even say the words to them. They kinda suspected…
My parents didn’t take it that well at first, but eventually said they love me no matter what and want to see me do well and succeed. They helped me through undergrad and graduate school and supported me.
PJBFan
My parents were never more supportive than when I came out to them. I am very blessed to have my parents be who they are.
Admittedly, I think they are more comfortable with my sexuality than with my nationalist conservative politics, and my conservative Episcopalian faith, but it just shows to go ya.
Leonard Woodrow
@PJBFan:
Possibly because they realise that your sexuality can’t be changed, but your misguided religious views can. 🙂
jwtraveler
@PJBFan: I think I’d have a lot in common with your parents.
Realitycheck
@jwtraveler:
I know what you mean, my mother had no problem accepting me as gay, she loved me and
that was it for her.
But the understanding part always escaped her LOL Never the less she was always super
nice and welcoming to my boyfriend.
Realitycheck
@Curty:
Tell her God doesn’t make mistakes, everything is for a reason,
my mom was also very religious, but she didn’t care, she never had any
problem with gay, transexual or even prostitutes, she was truly that
good hearted person Christian should.
1EqualityUSA
I came out before I had met someone, so they wouldn’t catch blame. Remember that we have had as much time as we needed, coming to terms with our authentic selves, so we need to be patient with those who are just finding out for the first time. When I went home, my spouse’s childhood photo was included in our family’s. My mom considers her another daughter.
Giancarlo85
@Leonard Woodrow: His misguided political views can change too.
At one point in my life I called myself a libertarian. Boy was I naive… Over time when I became more educated and knowledgeable of this world, I became a proud leftist (mainly a social democrat/green).
AtticusBennett
Those who’ve had the least success in coming out are also the ones who are still apologizing for being gay.
a surefire way to make sure that the people in your life around you don’t fully embrace you as a gay man include saying things like “but i’m not like other gay people. i’m not defined by being gay. it’s just a small part of me. it’s not important.”
apologizing for it in that way simply gives fuel to the idea that its’ something to be ashamed of, ignored, dismissed, washed over, etc.
as for “harder to come out as a democrat” – yup. i’ve seen countless guys go through that. and look at their counterparts – the gay men born into right-wing families who DON’t evolve toward a more liberal mindset and life; they end up being those self-castrated gay republican eunuch cowards.
when you give people the idea that your being gay is something you’re still insecure about, they’ll pounce. they’ll use it against you. they’ll know that they can manipulate you and shame you, and so they WILL.
when your backbone is strong, you don’t back down, and you make it clear that you’re OUT, and you will be living life on YOUR OWN TERMs, something happens – people start to realize that if they want to be a part of your life, and it is YOUR life, they won’t be able to play their old games.
my life only improved when i came out. there are challenges, to be sure. but they can be met from a place of honesty.
i’m Out in every moment of my daily life, and it’s bloody wonderful.
Daniepwils
Coming out to my parents as gay was no big deal. Coming out to them as an atheist… that did not go over too well!
TemptyK
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!
You all sound ridiculous trying to sound cute. This “my mom, my dad, 20 dollars” shite is old.
Giancarlo85
@TemptyK: You have a serious chip on your shoulder.
Curty
@TemptyK: Huh? What is your problem dude? Deranged?
ocdj63
…by the time I was 18, if they didn’t ask me then I felt it was none of their business. I think they found out when I was 32. They asked me why I didn’t tell them and I said because grown adults don’t run up to people and tell them about their private sexual activities. No matter if they are your parents or strangers. People don’t tell you, Right. But they were totally cool with it…how could they not be at 32?
Jairo Mendez
Si, Por lo menos Subtitularan la Noticia, Por que de Esta Lo Unico que Entendi, fue la Palabra Closet..y Stories ( Historias)
AtticusBennett
@ocdj63: you lied to your parents. you didn’t tell them because you were nervous and insecure about what their response would be. i’m out to everyone. why? because i like people to know who i am. you didn’t want people to know who you truly are.
Brian Crim
YASSSSSS!!!! #LOVEIT
Carrie_L
I came out to my mom as Bi literally standing in the grocery store. I had come out to my dad years before he passed away, and most of my friends already knew, but my Mom I was more nervous about. When I told her she said “Are you sure?” When I told her yes she said “Ok, so what were you wanting to cook for dinner” That was literally the last conversation about it. I definitely feel lucky to have people who love me for me.
I Want To Break Free
Mom: “Are we guilty of this? Have we made a mistake in the upbringing?”
Me: “You’re not guilty of anything. That’s how I was born. Nobody is to blame for this!”
Mom: “You’re right, son, it exists since the mankind.”
Me: “Thanks, Mom!” We hugged.
Mom: “Are you in relationship now?”
Me: “No, and I do not remember when was the last time was.”
Mom: “When you get a boyfriend, do not bring it to our house. The neighbors would have mocked us. The whole village would be ridiculed us!”
Me: “OK Mom.” 🙁