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Honey, Boo! Boooooo!: The Gayest Halloween Costume Ideas For 2013

Devil Halloween by JJ Keyes

Photo: JJ Keyes

As holidays go, Halloween is undoubtedly the gayest. It’s the one time of year where homos can pretend they’re hetero, straight boys step out in short skirts, and grown-ass women turn every respectable profession they can think of into slutty versions of their former selves.

Of course you can head to your local costume shop and pick up a played-out, plastic-wrapped outfit, but we know you better than that. That’s why we’ve compiled this comprehensive list of the most topical, haute, and hilarious gay-friendly Halloween costumes of 2013.

From smokin’-hot athletes fighting for equality on and off the field to a Katy Perry pop-and-locker, this year’s hottest TV shows, news stories, and pop-culture juggernauts are now the must-wear, one-night disguises of the season. The holiday spirit is here, kids – and it’s totally queer. Happy Hallokween!

Check out the gayest costumes to scare up some fun this Halloween!

Red Carpet Boy Toy

nickgruber

Very few of us are lucky enough to be swept off our pauperly feet by a fashion mogul, but pretending you serve up the cake in exchange for a lifetime supply of Calvins is precisely what Halloween’s all about. There are several looks from which to choose this season – inspired by everyone’s favorite formerly dentally-challenged hanger-on, Nick Gruber – including Fire Island ‘Straight’ Guy, Bloody Hamptons Brawler, Boy Who Holds Barneys Bags, and John Luciano’s Sloppy Thirds. To dress the part of an Internet porn star-turned-professional rent boy, slip into (or out of) any combination of monochromatic designer duds prepped to hit the step-and-repeat. To ensure that nobody is confused about whom you’re meant to be (or to whom you belong), let your ubiquitous waistband do the walking while the ‘For Sale’ sign on your back does the talking.

***2013 Queerties: Is Nick Gruber your favorite Bad Boy Lust Object?***

Macklemore

macklemore-get-his-look

One of the biggest songs of the year, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ “Same Love,” is a pro-equality anthem that continues to gain traction and change the voice of hip-hop music. But before straight Mack got all sentimental for the gays, he was poppin’ tags at the local thrift shop — much to Le1f’s chagrin — musing about green gator shoes, leopard mink coats, and your grandpa’s hand-me-downs. To step out in style like everybody’s favorite white rapper du jour, pop into your local discount depot for the most outlandish duds you can find on a dime. Feel free to take creative license from the “Thrift Shop” video — bonus points if you can cop a teal scooter to serve as your wheels for the night –- and don’t forget to stuff up the front of your flannel zebra jammies.

***2013 Queerties: Did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis have the anthem of the year?***

Pro Athlete Activist

honorary-gays

Several pro athletes came out of the closet in 2013 — NBA star Jason Collins, pro soccer player Robbie Rogers, and the WWE’s Darren Young, to name a few — but 2013 also was a banner year for straight athlete-allies to speak out in favor of same-sex equality. The loudest and proudest among them — former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe and former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbedejo (both of whom were suspiciously released from their contracts recently) — have led the charge by lending their celebrity and outspoken personalities to causes like the NOH8 campaign and local marriage-equality initiatives. To support your favorite gay-friendly player on All Hallows’ Eve, don one the guys’ officially licensed jerseys. Complete the ensemble with a helmet and uniform set from Costume Super Center and slap a NOH8 tattoo on your cheek to further level the playing field.

***2013 Queerties: Who was the year’s top jock?***

Liberace & Scott Thorson

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Mr. Showmanship and his surgically-enhanced lookalike younger lover, Scott Thorson, will be a couples’-costume commodity this Halloween given the critical success of HBO’s Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra and Michael Douglas’s recent win at the Emmy Awards for his uncanny portrayal of the legendary entertainer. For such an elaborate getup you’ll need to hunt down a few potentially pricey and hard-to-find pieces — like a jewel-encrusted three-piece suit, an awe-inspiring fur cape, and gobs of gaudy jewelry — but it can be done on a budget if you have access to a vintage store and a Bedazzler. To pimp out your better half like Liberace’s doe-eyed companion, locate a pastel-colored chauffer’s uniform and bling it out to the nines with sequins and rhines – stones, that is. Whatever you do, don’t get lost in the characters you’re channeling, lest you want your evening ruined by a maddening mix of Quaaludes, smeared mascara, and a barrage of hurt feelings.

***2013 Queerties: Is Behind the Candelabra the next queer classic?***

Bootylicious Backup Dancer

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When Katy Perry debuted her latest hit “Roar” at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards, social media lit up like a firework. But the chatter wasn’t about the pop star’s prize-fighter-inspired performance in a makeshift ring under the Brooklyn Bridge. Rather, the focus was on the bubbly bottom of backup dancer Lockhart Brownlie, whose man-candy curves are available for your viewing pleasure all over Tumblr. Turn heads at this year’s fright-night festivities by showing up as the posteriorly endowed scruff monster in a plain grey sweatsuit with the legs pulled up and the arms cut off, a pair of mid-calf striped gym socks, boxing shoes, Pro-Flex Tape wrapped around your KO hand, and a week-old beard that’ll make all the cubbies growl. For even more authenticity — if you’re not already blessed with the derriere of a demigod — stuff your rump with padded undies from Freshpair and get ready to rumble.

***2013 Queerties: Speaking of dancing, who put in the most twerk this year?***

Prison Breaker

wentworth-shirtless

For years there’d been speculation that Wentworth Miller — sexy star of the former Fox series Prison Break — was gay. Miller confirmed those rumors in August when he declined an invitation to attend the St. Petersburg International Film Festival, which basically proved once and for all that, like his Prison Break character Michael Scofield, Miller is pretty much a badass all day, every day. To honor Miller and his behind-bars persona, get your hands on escapee attire that includes a grey sweatshirt covered up with a light blue button-down and a navy-blue collared canvas jacket. A grey wool beanie will top off the outfit, but don’t forget about the tats; Scofield was inked all the way around from collarbone to pelvic bone — an artistic feat that, if accomplished, will have partygoers clamoring to drop your soap.

***2013 Queerties: Was Wentworth Miller the biggest closet door bustdown of the year?***

Uncle Poodle

uncle-poodle

Uncle Poodle — née is Lee Thompson — is the fun gay hick who loves his pageant queen niece Alana to pieces, and one of the breakout stars of TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. To saunter into your fête like this southern gent this Oct. 31, slap on a pair of muddied-up, loose-fitting stonewash jeans; an Aeropostale polo; a well-worn baseball cap with any pair of Oakleys perched on the bill; and a pair of outdated sneakers, preferably British Knight high-tops circa 1998. So you don’t have to go around explaining who you are every time you meet somebody new, add a pink sash to your digs to let everyone know that you’re the Grand Supreme of this soiree — and they better redneckognize.

***2013 Queerties: Are Uncle Poodle and his Honey Boo Boo clan TV’s guiltiest pleasure?***

Kraft’s Zesty Guy

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Kraft’s Zesty Guy Anderson Davis – the dude whose shirt goes up in flames in the sexy dressing commercials because he smolders on screen — has made a name for himself shilling the salad condiment, but not everyone is amused. While the rest of us are hot, the American Family Association-backed One Million Moms is just plain bothered, which makes paying homage to this Adonis a must this Halloween. There’s not much to the Kraft Zesty Guy costume — a pair of fitted khakis, a bottle of Zesty, and a professional five-o’clock shadow — but you will need the torso of a male model to pull it off with perfection. If sculpted abs and pecs aren’t in your future, however, you can manage the look (and slip in a little humor while you’re at it) with these scantily clad aprons.

***2013 Queerties: In the spirit of famous scantily clad men, who had the year’s best nude pic?***

WWE’s Darren Young

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On one hand, we were all surprised when pro wrestler Darren Young unexpectedly revealed to reporters that he’s gay while walking through an airport this summer; on the other, he gets greased up and struts around in flashy undies for living, so it wasn’t a stretch. To celebrate, put the hurt on your friends by dressing up like Young in your most flamboyant wrestling and/or go-go boy garb : pro-wrestler worthy teeny-weeny briefs, shiny boots, armbands, and feather boas. To emulate Young’s untamed hair, pick up an afro wig at your local costume shop or tease out your own tresses à la a young Don King. For the pièce de résistance, adorn your forehead with a gold-sequin headband and practice your elbow drops.

***2013 Queerties: Darren Young certainly made a splash, but who is the next big queer?***

One Direction

One-Direction-2013

It almost goes without saying that One Direction is the gayest non-gay (so far, at least) boy band ever. Until our collective fantasies come true, let’s settle for a cutie-meets-queer group costume as you and your friends get gussied up as this generation’s Fab Five. Compile your costumes by taking a cue from MTV Style, which has graciously gathered many of the pieces you’ll need to unite and take the night as Harry, Zayn, Liam, Niall, and Louis. Pick up a few cordless mics to serve as additional props, learn the words to at least one 1D song — just don’t make it “Little Things” — and give an impromptu performance to provide your fellow party patrons with a few midnight memories. Somewhere, Simon Cowell will be smiling.

Do you have more ideas for the gayest Halloween costumes of 2013? Let us know in the comments below.

  • 12 Comments
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      regarding uncle poodle: it’s just “née Lee Thompson”. The “is” is superfluous.

      besides, “née” is really the wrong word here. “Uncle Poodle” is a nickname, his legal name is still Lee Thompson. So you would be better off with “aka Lee Thompson”.

      /grammar nazi mode off.

      Oct 30, 2013 at 2:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DonW
      DonW

      @MikeE: Mike, I’ll one-up you in the pedantry stakes: “née” is the feminine form (we see it most often because it’s usually referring to a woman’s maiden name). For a male, it’s “né.” Just as it’s “blonde” for women, “blond” for men,” another nicety of French spelling largely ignored by les américains.

      /grammar Vichy mode off

      Oct 30, 2013 at 4:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • NateB79
      NateB79

      Wow, any reason to have Nick Gruber in an article.

      Oct 30, 2013 at 4:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • balehead
      balehead

      Most of these costumes require going to the gym….what are the excuse queens going to do???

      Oct 30, 2013 at 5:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      @balehead: No, most of those costumes require having no life except the gym and steroids. I know that’s your thing, but it’s not everyone’s. Some of us have professional and personal lives outside the gay ghetto.

      You really come across as the most hateful and intolerant person around. You consistently trash anyone you imagine doesn’t have an Adonis-like body. It really doesn’t say much for your idea of what is important in a person. But that’s ok, you’re one of those “body by Fisher, brains by Mattel” gays. If you’re happy living your life that way, then so be it. But please don’t try to make it sound as though you are somehow superior to anyone else. You’re a bitter, vacuous, gym queen. Not much else.

      Oct 30, 2013 at 5:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      @DonW: Can I one-up your one-upmanship?? Technically, you wouldn’t use the masculine form at all, since men do not change their names at marriage. (I’m French :-p how’s THAT for one-upmanship? LOL) {{{hugs}}}

      Oct 30, 2013 at 5:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • bcbear4u
      bcbear4u

      Why do the young men of One Direction look like they are still shopping in the boy’s department at Harrods? Or did they just grow but continue to wear their old clothes? Time for a shopping trip for something that fits properly…and perhaps a stop at the barber shop…still they are all cute!

      Oct 30, 2013 at 6:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mikey
      Mikey

      @MikeE and @DonW: I’m the writer of this article, and I take no responsibility for the post-editing done by Queerty. :)

      Oct 30, 2013 at 6:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Harley
      Harley

      @NateB79: well, I would guess because Nick Gruber’s life is like a tran wreck. It’s a terrible thing but we just HAVE to look. Also, any article written about him garnes like a hundred comments.

      Oct 31, 2013 at 5:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Harley
      Harley

      Garners. Damn auto correct.

      Oct 31, 2013 at 5:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • kurt_t
      kurt_t

      Well, I always have to take the dog for a long walk on Halloween or else she goes nuts every time she hears the doorbell, but if I had the option of dressing up, I would be Michelle Obama, and I’d carry a big bowl of individually wrapped baby carrots and unsweetened dehydrated fruit snacks.

      Oct 31, 2013 at 8:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AnnaMcManus
      AnnaMcManus

      Johnny said I am impressed that you able to profit 9964 bucks in four weeks on the computer. top article>>> http://smal.ly/D40dg

      Oct 31, 2013 at 9:42 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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