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The Reason Some Gay People Dislike Groups Of Straights In Social Settings

I think there will always be gay parties, because… gay men want to be around gay men because they’re looking for sex, for friends, for companionship, but they were also marginalized growing up, so they feel safe in an environment with people like themselves…[But] I think there’s a dichotomy, and that a lot of the gay community is going to straight bars and they’re friends with different people because it’s not such a big deal to be gay or straight anymore. The younger kids have grown up—they’re out of the closet at like 16, 17, and 18. The cool kids are interested in going to the cool bar, not necessarily the gay bar. I do find there are hardline gays who have gone the opposite direction, and they don’t want to mix at all.  We were just on Fire Island last week and one of my close friends got married and had a straight wedding. I think the gay people had more of a problem with the straight people being there than the straight were in the gay environment…

?They’d be like, Who are all these straight people and why are they sitting down? Why are they roller-skating? Why are there families here? For gay guys, it’s almost a danger sign that we’re in the wrong place, it’s weird.

– New York party promoter Josh Wood discussing his career and observations of the NYC party scene with Blackbook.

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By:           Daniel Villarreal
On:           Oct 5, 2011
Tagged: ,

  • 65 Comments
    • Mav
      Mav

      Yeah, you could probably classify the viewpoint Wood is describing as “internalized homophobia displayed as heterophobia.”

      Oct 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mr. Enemabag Jones
      Mr. Enemabag Jones

      @Mav:

      Or maybe because we have to hang around hets all the time, some of us like to be around our own kind without having to deal with hets.

      I wonder how a het would feel if they had to hang around only gay people all the time. I’m sure they’d like to get out and mingle with their own kind too.

      Oct 5, 2011 at 5:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Adman
      Adman

      Hetero sexual normativity = Mob mentality at some point with at least one person representing “we straights” to you at any given social function where straights are in the majority. I don’t know what it’s like being the guy who thinks everybody’s collective responsibility rests on his shoulders to school me, the gay “outsider”, but every straight persons knows. It gets tiresome, not to mention boring being around them, and that’s it really. Why park in a parking lot where you know your car will get scratched and you know it for a fact? What does that have to do with having a good time?

      Oct 5, 2011 at 5:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Queer Supremacist
      Queer Supremacist

      @Mr. Enemabag Jones: I do not like groups of “straight” “people” in social settings for the same reasons blacks tend to be wary of men in white hoods.

      Oct 5, 2011 at 8:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Josh Elder
      Josh Elder

      I don’t have any straight friends, male or female. I rarely like interacting with them and it’s most likely due to my coming out experience in High School. I came out when I was 14 in a small town in Kentucky. Life was a nightmare before I came out and after. HS was a living hell and it simply forced me into an ideal that straight people rarely share anything in common with me.
      I don’t feel like I can be myself around straight people, that I have to watch what I say and how I act. Gay people have their own ideals, norms, dialects…things that are normal to us are seen as weird to other people. We have our own sense of humor and straight people just don’t get it.
      Then again it could be because I live in Kentucky and despise this place, everyone I ever went to High School with and my hometown with a passion. The school shunned me, laughed in my face at the torment I dealt with, police refused to listen to me when it came to death threats and attacks. I guess I’m just bitter. Hahahaha

      Oct 5, 2011 at 10:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DenverBarbie
      DenverBarbie

      “We were just on Fire Island last week and one of my close friends got married and had a straight wedding. I think the gay people had more of a problem with the straight people being there than the straight were in the gay environment…”

      Hmmm… could that be because your friend was flaunting (even if it was inadvertent…) his/her HETEROSEXUAL PRIVILEGE on Fire fucking Island?!

      Oct 5, 2011 at 11:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • lemon-lime
      lemon-lime

      I must be one of the younger ones who are wonder what the hell the big deal is with gay people hanging out with their straight friends. Most of my friends are gay. Maybe 30% of them are gay. I haven’t been to a gay bar in months, but I’ve been to integrated parties with maybe 50 percent LGBT and 50 percent straight folks. We all get along fine. When I go to the gay bar (which is often because my straight friends want to go, not me.), I rarely see anyone my own age. The bathroom stalls are all used for doing drugs and I rarely go a night without seeing a syringe lying around.

      I do want to stop for a second and say that I have had an excellent time at Gay bars, but my point is that it wasn’t because I had some sort of intrinsic desire to go to a *gay* bar that made it better than any other place. Largely, it was the folks that I went with that made it a good time, and 90% of the time that means a mixed group with LGB folks as well as a few straight girls and maybe a straight guy or two.

      In short: I don’t see the advantage of hanging around at Gay bars when I have more fun in mixed crowds. I don’t get hit on by skeezy guys who are only looking for hookup, and the atmosphere is more light hearted and less about doing drugs and hooking up when I go to regular bars. I guess it depends on your priorities and why you’re going out.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 1:35 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Adam
      Adam

      I’ll admit it. There are times where I absolutely positively hate the straights.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 1:39 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CBRad
      CBRad

      Too general. Doesn’t it depend on which heterosexuals (a pretty vast bunch) you’re with?

      Oct 6, 2011 at 1:46 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chris
      Chris

      @Josh Elder: I feel perfectly fine with the straight people I hang out with at work. I know one lesbian there, and we talk without engaging in “gay” dialect or humor. Gays are not the Borg.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 6:27 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mark
      Mark

      I can understand the desire to not be harassed, but not all straight people are homophobic. Whatever happened to the idea of selecting friends based on mutal likes and interests? The vast majority of my friends are straight because we enjoy the same activities (cycling, mountain biking, kayaking,backpacking, skiing etc). I am sure there are gay folks who enjoy these activities as well, but they aren’t around where I live I guess. And really, I don’t care who my friends have sex with. I want them to be happy and healthy and when we get together we have a great time. As far as going out, when my partner and I go into the most popular bar in town (I guess it is a “straight” bar, it isn’t designated as a “gay” bar and most of the patrons are straight) we are greeted with by our straight friends with open arms.Sure there are people who probably don’t like us because we are gay, but that has never been as issue for us. Guess we are the lucky ones.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 9:34 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • gordonbennett
      gordonbennett

      I work in a large library – could there anywhere straighter? – in England, and all the staff know I’m gay and I never feel there’s ‘us’ and ‘you’. We all just get along as who we are as people. Now and then on Fridays after work we all go for a drink at the local pub and it’s just a good drunk hoot. Most of my friends outside of work are straight and couples, and I’ve known them for years and again it’s just because we see each other as we are and care for one another.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 9:38 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chopsie
      Chopsie

      My problem is with straight men in general: I find them incredibly boring, without much to bring to the conversation. Most of them are fixated on sports, guzzling beer and women’s anatomical parts. There are a few exceptions, but where I live in the deep South, they are the dregs…

      Oct 6, 2011 at 9:41 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mav
      Mav

      @Mr. Enemabag Jones:

      “Or maybe because we have to hang around hets all the time, some of us like to be around our own kind without having to deal with hets.”

      ^ Who says we have to break down into “hets and homos” anyway? Sounds like something out of the Sneetches in Dr. Seuss. Frankly, someone’s sexuality doesn’t really matter to me unless I plan on sleeping with them, and I don’t find my hetero friends to be any less interesting than my queer ones.

      “I wonder how a het would feel if they had to hang around only gay people all the time. I’m sure they’d like to get out and mingle with their own kind too.”

      ^ You can mingle with your own kind without being exclusionary towards people who aren’t your kind, though.

      Straight people need to feel safe entering gay spaces so they can have more exposure to gay people en masse and see that we aren’t the devil, because most of the gay people they meet on a day to day basis are closeted.

      They also need to feel like they’re not resented for being there in the first place.

      “Whatever happened to the idea of selecting friends based on mutal likes and interests?”

      ^ This.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 10:37 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ousslander
      ousslander

      if you reversed the hetero with homo there would be such self righteous outcries of bigotry. two of our closest friends are a hetero couple.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 11:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • disco lives
      disco lives

      He’s right…in modern times, younger people mix with each other more. The “cool” kids, whether they are gay or straight want to be around other “cool” kids, whether they are gay or straight. Gay people over the age of 25 can’t seem to grasp this concept and seem scared by it. Oh well, they alwways have their “gay” bars to go to so they can make fun of them “square” straight people.

      By the way, gays can’t have it both ways- they can’t compare themselves to black people in the 1950’s and say they want equality but also say they have a right to self-imposed segregation.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 11:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Pete n SFO
      Pete n SFO

      I’m okay with the ‘straights’ as long as they don’t flaunt it…

      I mean, do they have to be all ‘in your face’ about it?

      Obviously, kidding… but, I find I do kind of resent all the straight people showing up in Castro these days; taking my table at cafes, always making me walk around their absent minded, hand-holding stroll down Market St. Oy, it’s too much.

      The thing is, they know that we’re cooler than them, that’s why they want to be near us. You don’t see ‘the gays’ marching thru the Marina or down Union Street, do you? NO. Because we’d be BORED TO TEARS…

      So, c’mon straights, you can hang with us… We understand. Just don’t flaunt it! lol

      Oct 6, 2011 at 11:28 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      i don’t have a problem with straight people. that said, like all of us i spent the majority of my life being The Gay Guy surrounded by Straight People. I’m simply at a point in my life where I really enjoy being around other LGBT people – Queer People- people who speak the same shorthand has me.

      of course there are gay bars. just as there are primarily “straight” bars – they’re social settings for specific groups of people as, believe it or not, some gay people do want to go out and socialize with other gay people.

      it’s not segregation to want to spend a night socializing with people in your own targeted demographic. you’re gay and want to meet and hang out with other gay people? you go to a gay-centric place.

      i’m not just gay, i also proudly identify as Queer, and while not all gay people are queer (and indeed not all queer-identifying people are gay) sometimes I just want to be with people who have my same energy. so i do it. i don’t see why anyone else would have an issue with it. it’s not affecting your life.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • RT
      RT

      Unless you are an alcoholic, the bars generally serve as a meeting place. A meeting place with (hopefully) lots of eligible candidates and some liquid courage to go with it all.

      So… What kind of people are the gay guys in straight bars trying to meet? Or are they just alcoholics and they don’t give two shits about where they drink.

      I really don’t like to look at bad shirts, hair and boobs just as I am about to get buzzed.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 1:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      also, i’m not one to make any attempts to “hide” or “pass for straight” – this doesn’t mean i’m not going to go in “straight-catering” environments, but it does mean that I’m not about to censor or edit myself due to where i am.

      and you know what? sometimes being in a straight bar with your boyfriend, and being as affectionate or physical as the straight pairs there gets you looks and comments.

      this might come as news to some of you who proudly go to straight bars with your straight friends and then refrain from engaging in any behavior or activity that would label you as “gay” – but it’s a reality for those of us who dont’ “Blend In” – by choice or nature.

      after a life of being the ‘Example of a Gay Man’ sometimes i don’t wanna have an evening spent schooling people – i wanna be around people in an environment that already “gets it”.

      i liked mixed-crowd atmospheres. they’re fun. but i’ve gotta say, most straight bars bore me senseless. gay culture tends to bring out a vivacity in people just as straight culture seems to want to dull it.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      Heterosexuals who hang out it a place that caters explicitly to a gay clientele just because they think it’s the trendy, hip, cool, etc. thing to do? Meh. If they’re with gay friends and aren’t about rubbing our noses in their heteronormative privilege – fine. If they invade the space on their own to show how ‘cool’ they are, I’ll be happier when they move on to the next ‘cool’ thing and stop thinking of us as accessories.

      Not that I’m a big advocate for preserving ‘gay culture’, but when there are few places that gay people can be open without fear for being bashed, it’s a bit much for heterosexuals to take over the few places we do have. Point being – there are far more of them than there are of us. While I don’t generally like this whole ‘us’ vs. ‘them’ mentality, I’m not persuaded that openly gay and straight people mixing without problem is all that widespread a reality.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:12 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      what i’ll never understand are the gay men who proudly claim to “not get along with other gay guys, i get along better with straight people.”

      congrats. with that mindset being reinforced by yourself constantly you’re never ever going to have a healthy reciprocal romantic relationship with another gay man. ever.

      they mistakenly think it’s “enlightened” to not be able to relate to other gay males.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • the crustybastard
      the crustybastard

      When you are a minority, it is not uncommon for the majority to regard you as the minority’s representative. It’s exhausting to feel constantly on-guard, lest an ordinary foible be converted into a “you people always…”

      This is why minorities generally prefer to live and socialize amongst themselves. Of course, morons believe that is somehow evidence minorities approve of segregation, which can only make sense by dispensing with the reality that the entire purpose of segregation was to create by force of law a specially protected and privileged environment for whites.

      That said, if you cannot understand how celebrating your first-class hetero wedding at a gay resort might be viewed as insulting and provocative by gays who have, at best, second-class marriage, you’re a fucking imbecile. Seriously.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been in a healthy, reciprocal, romantic relationship with another gay man for 11 years, but I don’t generally get along all that well with other gay men. Like any generalization, there are exceptions, my husband being one of them. I wouldn’t say that I get on all that well with straight men, either. I’m more comfortable with lesbians and straight women, though I find it’s more a question of how comfortable they are with me.

      Not getting along well with other gay men isn’t a source of pride for me, nor do I see it as particularly enlightened. It simply is what it is. I have always been a misfit and social outcast, and I don’t find that to be any different in the gay community vs. the straight community, but I do find a difference in relating to woman vs. men. I can get along with straight men who are comfortable with gay men. But getting along with other gay men simply requires too much effort. I have felt far more judged by gay peers than straight peers. So pardon me for wanting to be my own man.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      @Elloreigh: congrats, you don’t relate to other gay men. that’s because YOU, not them

      way to be.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Elloreigh:

      I have felt far more judged by gay peers than straight peers.

      Sadly I can relate in more ways then one.Whilst I do get along with many gay men and women there are certain types I never can find the tolerance much less patience and understanding to put up with.Thats just me though. I get along more with straight women and straight men for the most part.Ive met some of the sweetest guys over the years who were both gay and straight teddy bears too love guys like that straight or gay.

      I guess its all up to a persons perception ultimately. Im in love with a guy who is bisexual and though we have had our struggles we’ve always deeply loved one another and nothing has gotten in the way of that yet… and won’t either.True love can’t be fucked with lol :)

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      @Elloreigh: you said i don’t know what i’m talking about and then posted a bunch of stuff that proves exactly what I’m talking about. so thanks.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      “I have felt far more judged by gay peers than straight peers.”

      you’ve allowed yourself to feel that way. nobody can make you feel judged, or inferior, without your permission.

      that you state you feel this from males, gay or straight, makes complete psychological sense in regard to what i said. women present no “threat” – males do – either from approval you seek and dont’ feel you get, or intimidation.

      if you feel “far more judged by gay peers” then you need to realize that it’s on your shoulders – you’re inviting it and allowing it. i dont’ feel judged by anybody, really. i stopped caring about what Others think when I Came Out more than a decade ago.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: So you discount my 11-year relationship because I otherwise don’t generally get along well with gay men? I’d suggest in graphic terms what you should do with that opinion, but I don’t find you worthy of the creative effort required.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      no, by all means, find security in your crutch :-)

      you found the man who saved you from having to wade the scary waters of dealing with other males on your own two feet.

      it makes no sense to say “i dont’ get along with other gay men” and assume that the problem is Gay Men, and not yourself and your baggage about males.

      but hey, keep it up.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Little Kiwi:

      You are not a psychologist nor a psychiatrist you can not read peoples thoughts or their mind.You have absolutely NO RIGHT to continuously claim you know so much about everyone who posts here when you continue to prove that you know NOTHING about them period.

      It’s seriously time for you to get off that high horse you INSIST on being up on at all times here.

      Unless you have a license for psychiatry you really should quit insisting that you understand the human mind as much as you continuously act like you do.

      You do not know what goes through peoples minds you are not in these peoples shoes you have no idea how they live or what they go through yet you mock it judge it and condemn them at all times.You literally are unbelievable period.Not in a good way either.

      Here you are also blaming someone who has been judged and you act as if you are above them.You seem to think that everyone in this world ignores when they are judged just because YOU do.Nope not everyone is the same in that regard some people find it harder to ignore when they are judged especially by their peers.It’s not as easy you continuously try to make it seem just because you’ve had an easy life doesnt mean the rest of us have.

      Doesnt matter about your past either your past should have molded you and taught you something from the experiences you experienced but instead you held onto some delusional ideal that you are heads and tails above everyone else and you feel you have the right to constantly mock demean and put down others.I have learned to be as civil as I possibly can to people like you.There is no cussing in this at all nor will there be.But you really need to grow up and stop shoving your opinions down other peoples throats just because you deem what you write and say as more important then what everyone else writes and says here much less thinks.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: And you’re very clearly making a negative judgment of me because I don’t relate to other gay men. Thanks for being such a shining example of why I don’t.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 2:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      Yes I’m making a negative judgement on you based on your negative judgment of Gay Males.

      Michael, go call your boyfriend whom you have never actually met. I dont’ bother reading your long-winded epics of obsession. word.

      right. You can make negative judgments of gay men but I can’t judge you for negatively judging gay men? right. because that makes sense. ;-)

      keep it up ;D

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Little Kiwi:

      You’re just a disgusting person period Kiwi.You need to grow up gain some humility and get over yourself for the last and final time.You’re also a pitiful little bully thinking you are so big and bad hiding behind your computer talking tough crap and insulting people.

      In real life however you are no match in that area I assure you.Ty for being predictable and LYING like you always do claiming I obsess over you.I have a real relationship regardless of what an uneducated fool like yourself believes.Love is love regardless of how far or how close you are you are too full of yourself to see that though.

      Your lack of maturity continues to shine through as well you are only doing a disservice to yourself no one else but you.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: “find security in your crutch :-)

      you found the man who saved you from having to wade the scary waters of dealing with other males on your own two feet.”

      Wow, that’s beyond offensive. My husband is not a “crutch”. Your characterizations are way off base – to the point of being laughable if you weren’t taking your perception of your own superiority so seriously.

      I never said my problems relating to gay men were about them, and not me.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      “I never said my problems relating to gay men were about them, and not me.”

      then you shouldn’t be arguing with me, as that was my point. :-)

      and michael, keep obsessing about me. i’m glad you have a real relationship with a man you’ve never actually met. good for you.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Little Kiwi:

      Keep going you are giving me more evidence as to the bullying harassment and idiocy you continue to prove about yourself.Ive already emailed Queerty about your behavior and since I havent OBSESSED over you nor lashed out at nor cussed you out.Finally YOU look like the villain YOU have already been for a long time here. You’ve said enough Kiwi you prove more and more what a disgusting vapid arrogant individual you are I feel for your friends and family.Your parents definitely did not raise you to be a decent human being that is a sad fact period.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      uh-huh. and keep posting message after message after message about me on here, and on my youtube page. because that’s neither harassment nor obsession.
      ;-)

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: “Yes I’m making a negative judgement on you based on your negative judgment of Gay Males.”

      Which judgment would that be, exactly? About the only thing I’ve said is that I’ve felt far more judged by gay peers. Read carefully. It’s a statement about how I’ve felt when interacting with gay peers. It’s not necessarily a “negative judgment of Gay Males”, but a negative assessment of how I have felt when interacting with other gay men.

      Am I supposed to have a change in my outlook as a result of talking to another presumably gay man who makes the kind of judgments toward me evidenced by your statements, which have been both condescending and insulting?

      Obviously if your goal is to change my mind about whether it’s worth it for me to make more of an effort to relate to other gay men, then you’ve failed. You’ve instead done a bang up job of reinforcing my past negative experiences.

      If, on the other hand, your goal is to make yourself feel superior by judging and bullying me, then it apparently that’s been a whopping success – not that I can see where you need any help in the feeling superior department.

      Like I said – too much effort required. In the matter of a few exchanges, you’ve managed to convince me that 1) You’re someone I find unlikeable, and that 2) I still don’t relate well to other gay men.

      I’m sorely tempted to just ignore you going forward. That’s usually my defense against people I find to be full of themselves.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Little Kiwi:

      Considering that was 2 weeks ago and I havent posted message after message about you either here lately.Unlike you I have learned some things I dont like to take away from the enjoyment of people here based on some childish juvenile fight with the likes of someone like yourself.

      You’re the one that continues to prove that people like you can never be taught because you are not ever willing to admit that you are ever wrong much less ever willing to learn in the first place.You can continue to lie rant and rave and it will never change a thing.You could however take this time to see the way you treat people and actually find a positive way to change that.But of course you would never admit you had a flaw or did wrong to begin with.Sad.You can insult me and mock me all you want to you just make nice decent gay guys look even better by comparison.Seriously get yourself some humility quit acting as if the world revolves around you because it doesnt dude nor is my mind on you 24/7.I dont salivate over you or anything about you ive got someone I really love and despite your arrogant comment about that it makes no difference to me either way.I know who and what I am thats really all that matters to me.I do know for a fact that I was raised to be a more decent human being then you were sorry its the truth.

      If you looked closely also ive been agreeing with many of the things you have said lately wasnt kissing your butt just merely agreeing with certain points.I dont have to like someone in order to agree with them from time to time.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      @Elloreigh:
      it’s actually a statement about your own insecurities that you’re projecting onto other gay males, and males.

      nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

      the problem is not Gay Men, nor Men – but you.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:33 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Elloreigh:

      Best advice is to ignore people like Kiwi .He for some reason just gets a kick out of kicking people around and trying to make them feel as low as he possibly can.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: Elloreigh said: “I never said my problems relating to gay men were about them, and not me.”

      Little Kiwi replied: “then you shouldn’t be arguing with me, as that was my point. :-)”

      What started this exchange was your assertion that a gay man who gets along better with straight people than other gay men has a mindset that ensures he’s “never ever going to have a healthy reciprocal romantic relationship with another gay man. ever.”

      This is simply not true in my experience. You responded to my counterargument by characterizing my long-term relationship with my husband as a “crutch”.

      And you wonder why I’m arguing with you? I’m doing so because, as I stated in my opening response: You don’t know what you’re talking about. Apparently you’re likewise happy to just make stuff up as well, constructing a picture of myself and other respondents in your mind that is far removed from the reality of our personal experiences.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little Kiwi
      Little Kiwi

      you’re right. it’s totally healthy for a gay man to allow himself to not relate to other gay men.

      it’ll make for much peace. i stand corrected.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 3:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: Sarcastic and passive-aggressive. What other quality traits do you possess that I should relate to?

      Oct 6, 2011 at 4:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @Little Kiwi: “it’s actually a statement about your own insecurities that you’re projecting onto other gay males, and males.”

      I don’t believe that I’ve ever said that gay men, or men generally are the problem. So your accusation of projection is without merit.

      Meanwhile, we have your statements about some gay men proudly claiming that they don’t get along with other gay men, and that they think it’s enlightened to not be able to relate to other gay males. Seems to me that you’re the one broadcasting about your own insecurities surrounding rejection, only far less honestly. You’ve got one huge chip on your shoulder.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 4:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tommy
      Tommy

      RT – That’s one difference between gay culture and straight culture and bars. Gay bars tend to be about hooking up or finding someone to have sex with. Yes, there are some straight bars that are about hooking up, but many of them are more like social clubs. A lot of straight people go out to bars to just hang out with their platonic friends. They don’t even flirt with other people there that much. Or straight couples go to hang out somewhere outside of their house. You see far more couples at a straight bar than a gay bar. So lots of times my straight friends invite me to a bar just to chat and hang out as friends. Straight culture and bars are far less sexualized than gay culture and bars. That’s why I enjoy them!

      Oct 6, 2011 at 4:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bryan
      Bryan

      Noting wrong if gay people want to hang around other gay people sometimes. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing as that does not equal heterophobia(if there’s such a thing) or dislike for all straight people. And you can’t say “if straight people did the same…” just like straight people can’t clamor for ‘straight pride’, it doesn’t work that way.

      It might be a bit weird though if you’re gay and don’t like hanging with straight people AT ALL or if you’re a gay person who dislikes other gay people.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 6:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bee
      Bee

      @michael(26): what does your having a bisexual bf have to do with anything, and what relationship issues have you guys gone through that usual couples don’t?

      Oct 6, 2011 at 6:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Anon
      Anon

      As much as I dislike adding to the comments on this site, mostly due to the fact that this post is going to be ripped to pieces by someone, but I really do think this is an age thing.

      I have friends who are gay and friends who are straight. I am friends with them because they are fun people, we share intrests and I enjoy hanging out with them. I’m out at my place of work, which is probably 90% heterosexual, and I get along with people fine. If I have a problem with someone at work it’s usually down to gossip.

      A couple of my best mates are straight guys. One is really into film and the other is a nice guy who is doing history at college.

      I go to clubs with them, I meet people at college, I meet people at work. I hang with people of various sexualities.

      The point of this post? Sexuallity is becoming less and less important, and I think that’s a really good thing. Sure, I might want to visit a gay bar every now and then, but that’s like saying i’d like to go to the cinema because they are showing a movie I like the look of. Maybe I want to go because I like the music there? Maybe I want to go because it has a good atmosphere? Maybe I don’t want to go because it’s a bit of a dive?

      I make friends and dislike people.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 8:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • darkskin bttms R survivors
      darkskin bttms R survivors

      “A lot of straight people go out to the bars just to hang with friends”. Ha!! whhhaaa? That’s what the mall is for..Marjority of straight people go to bars to get drunk and find someone to have “relations” with, just like the gay ones.. Straight people are cool but why would a gay person want to “chill” with them all the time?

      Oct 6, 2011 at 8:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Bee:

      Excuse me miss or mr. thang. Anyways as in response to your rude question though I use my boyfriend as an example of the title because in all honesty there is far more dislike and issues towards bisexuals in the gay community then there are towards anyone who is straight and thats a fact.

      Nor did I ever once claim that our problems were different more important or somehow more special then everyone elses.Every relationships have problems the important thing is to find a common ground and still be able to love each other through thick and thin.Ty for assuming things though .

      Oct 6, 2011 at 9:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Bee:

      Since you also want to be so nosy.Ill give you just a short answer to your question: he’s tried to kill himself multiple times the guy has had over 4 heart attacks and he is only 20 years old he was beat his father as a child almost killed by some bullies that wanted him dead because he was bisexual….We’ve gone through hell and back with each other and in even more ways then what I just described. Hope that satisfies your curiosity just a little bit.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 9:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Interesting
      Interesting

      There is no real difference between straights and gays. They both have hang ups and issues. The one value of being around other gay people is that one can be comfortable about being gay around gay people. And sorry is not a matter of age. Its a matter of straight people will inevitably- no matter how open (except in the movies)- make assumptions that I will have to deal with that i don’t have to address with gay people. Of course, the assumptions with gay people can be bad too, but they are different ones. I kind of feel at home in neither crowd because both carry baggage with them. It is more like I try to go to the one that I am feeling like being around at the moment rather than expecting either to truly get all of me.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 11:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @darkskin bttms R survivors: People go the bar for a variety of reasons, straight or gay. For example, a few years ago we were on vacation and spent a few days with a friend of mine from high school, who is straight. She wanted us to come with her to her favorite bar, where one of her favorite bands was playing. We did, and had a great time. It wasn’t about getting drunk or hooking up. It was about hearing a band we hadn’t heard before, the atmosphere created in that space by the band interacting with the audience, good food, catching up with an old friend, etc.

      When I went to the bars with straight friends in my college days, a lot of it was about them getting drunk and hooking up, and I was bored silly by it. Now if we go out with friends it’s about celebrating that friendship. Totally different vibe when you get older, settled in a committed relationship, sexual conquests having long ago ceased to be a priority. Frankly – it’s a lot more fun now.

      Why would a gay person want to chill with straight people? Maybe because we’ve grown up together and established friendships that we treasure. Is that really so hard to wrap your brain around?

      Why would a gay person only want to chill with other gay people? Sure, I get the concept of feeling more free to be one’s self with other gay people, even if it has never been very true for me personally. But is it really true that a gay person can’t have equally fulfilling friendships with straight friends who get it (to the extent any non-gay person can)? I would have to disagree – not only is it possible, but it’s the real life experience that some of us have had.

      Not to mention that for some of us, hanging exclusively with other gay people isn’t even an option. I don’t live in a community with a thriving gay population. I don’t have those kinds of opportunities for gay socializing.

      More to the point – why would I want to be around a group of gay people I have nothing in common with beyond my orientation? That would be just as boring as accompanying straight friends to the bar so they can hookup.

      Oct 6, 2011 at 11:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • shannon
      shannon

      YOU ALL REALLY NEED TO —STOP— EQUATING YOUR PLIGHT WITH BLACK PEOPLE ….WHO ARE THE ORIGINAL ….AND MOST~~~~~ PREDOMINATE~~~~~ RACE ON THE PLANET WITH BEING GAY!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY…ARE YOU PEOPLE REALLY REACHING THAT FAR????????? TRUST ….IF ALL THE KLAN EVEN MET %3 OF THE BLACK RACE ….THAT WOULD BE THE END OF THE “KLAN”!…..LOL….YOU ALL ARE DELUSIONAL…THIS WHY PEOPLE ARE TURNING AGAINST GAY PEOPLE…IN PARTICULAR WHITE GAY MEN…YOU FEEL THIS >>PSYCHOTIC<< NEED TO TRY AND DEFILE OTHERS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD WHEN PEOPLE ARE REALLY TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU! FYI…IF THE KLAN COULD HAVE A PASS TO KILL A PERSON OF COLOR ( WHICH OUTNUMBER THEM (35-1)…OR A WHITE GAY MAN…ME THINKS YOU BETTER START RUNNING BUDDY…..GROW THE HELL UP….

      Oct 7, 2011 at 1:00 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CBRad
      CBRad

      @Elloreigh: I agree with your post. I’d say about half the people I associate with are gay, because sexual-orientation IS a big thing and a factor you will have in common, but there has to be other factors in common, too. Just like the straight folks I hang with would have to be ones I have something (an interest in a particular music, history, books, etc etc) in common with too. It’s all a very shades-of-gray area. But I would never criticize a gay person who prefers to hang with only other gays or only straights, since one should do what he wants (though I might think he might be limiting his experiences).

      Oct 7, 2011 at 1:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chris
      Chris [Different person #1 using similar name]

      People keep telling me that I am something called LGBT. I tell them that I am gay and that I resent the notion that being gay means that you ought to be grouped with transsexuals and crossdressers. I would feel much more at home in a group of heteros than in a group of trannies.

      Oct 7, 2011 at 2:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • the crustybastard
      the crustybastard

      @shannon:

      Thanks for sharing your lunatic views in such a quasi-literate manner.

      BTW, your caps lock key is on.

      Oct 7, 2011 at 2:27 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CBRad
      CBRad

      @Chris: You’ll be criticized, no doubt, for that post but there’s nothing wrong with that if you genuinely feel that way. We should all be free to feel out our own comfort zones.

      Oct 7, 2011 at 2:35 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • darkskin bttms R survivors
      darkskin bttms R survivors

      @Elloreigh: Honey why do you keep “throwing tude” to people who ask why would a gay person want to hang aroung the straights ALL the time, of course gay people grew up with straight people, developed friendships and such . You seem pretty defensive about the whole thang. I do not give a frank who you choose to spend your time with. You said that you don’t get along with other gay men well I suggest you check that attitude you have towards gay men, maybe that’s the problem.. Now wrap your brain around that..@shannon: @Chris: LOL. huh??

      Oct 7, 2011 at 8:56 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Elloreigh
      Elloreigh

      @darkskin bttms R survivors: 1) I am not your “honey”. Only my husband gets to call me that.

      2) If the emphasis was originally meant to be on “ALL the time”, then I can see your point.

      3) As for my having a “tude” toward gay men, I don’t. In point of fact, it’s the habit some gay men have of taking an attitude over every trivial thing, playing a never-ending game of seeing who can act the meanest that inspires me in part to not waste much time on other gay men. Sure, I get that not all gay men are like that, probably not even most. Just saying it’s another brick in the wall, that’s all.

      As for Shannon & Chris, LOL indeed. I can’t even be bothered to respond to their kind of crap.

      Oct 7, 2011 at 9:31 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • darkskin bttms R survivors
      darkskin bttms R survivors

      @Elloreigh: Yes, “ALL the time” was my orignal emphasis. Some gay men will catch an attitude over every little issue, but that’s not a gay trait , that’s a human trait. With that being said I do understand your point as well, and your first statement made me giggle a little. Have an enjoyable weekend.

      Oct 7, 2011 at 12:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @shannon:

      WTF are you talking about? WTH? *scratches head*

      Oct 7, 2011 at 12:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bee
      Bee [Different person #1 using similar name]

      @Michael: @Michael: I just didn’t see what it had to do with anything but thanks for clearing that up. And putting the word “fact” after your opinion which might be debatable does not automatically make it a fact, it just means you’re good at spelling the word.

      Oct 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael
      Michael

      @Bee:

      Ty for your opinion have a nice day.

      Oct 7, 2011 at 6:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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