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  DRAG STRIP

The “RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap: The Last Sashay

finale 01

The final episode of a season of RuPaul’s Drag Race always fills me with so many emotions. There’s the obvious anticipation as I hope hope hope that my favorite will win. (Please don’t let it go to the bitch!) There’s the agony of knowing that in 90 minutes, once that crown is handed out, I’ll have nothing left to look forward to until this whole process starts up again in eight months. This time around, I had the added pressure of wondering what the hell I’m going to write about, given that half the show was just a bunch of female impersonators sitting on uncomfortable stools.

Luckily, there’s one thing that makes it all better: GIN. If you haven’t already, please drink some right now. It’ll make the rest of this article so much yummier. And yes, I’m aware that my column typically gets posted before noon on a Tuesday. That’s happy hour as far as I’m concerned.

Since Ru has a 90-minute time slot to fill with the announcement of a single name, she’s padding it out like Latrice Royale in a Rent-a-Center dress. Before the festivities begin, the girls deliver a pageant routine that was apparently choreographed by a chimpanzee who had a lot of other things to get done that day. Seriously, I perform a more complex routine getting ready in the morning. Everyone gets a runway moment (I’ll review their looks in a minute), and then BAM: Ru emerges to show them who’s boss.

She’s heavenly in her white, wispy wonderwear, and all is well in the world, until… that’s not… it couldn’t be. Oh, I get it, they’re playing “Can I Get An Amen?” as a joke. No, stop the presses, this is serious. We’re going to sit through this entire song. The sad part is that no one, even the once-and-always drag superstar herself, musters so much as a whiff of excitement about the process. The contestants resume the raising and lowering of their arms with new levels of listlessness, while Ru delivers a lip sync so tragic she could probably take pointers from Vivienne Pinay.

finale 02

And then it’s on to the interviews. The responses are uniformly either heavily scripted or heavily edited, so I won’t spend much time on them. I’m not even going to comment on each individual contestant, because who even cares about Honey Mahogany’s new wig? Let’s just take a quick glance at the highs and lows.

The most impressive transformation comes by way of early sashayer Penny Tration. Her conceptual look has the artsy flair that Serena ChaCha only wishes she could execute. Smarter still, she showed off a sleek silhouette in a leotard made from the same fabric as her elimination dress, basically doing the first challenge over the way you might turn in a revised paper in college for a higher grade.

Lineysha also delivers dramatic fashion with her winged creation. It’s so disarmingly beautiful that it erases Ru’s knowledge of U.S. history and geography. (You can’t call immigration on someone from Puerto Rico, honey. It’s part of our country. You may as well threaten to deport Alaska. Or an Alaskan.)

Whatever Jade said, it must have been extremely bitchy or extremely incoherent, because her segment is choppier than a YouTube video on your mom’s dial-up connection. Truthfully, it’s nice that someone else took the time to ignore her so that I didn’t have to personally.

Ivy Winters wins the Miss Congeniality prize, mostly because she’s the only one who was eligible. Her red frock is unremarkable, but her Julia Child impersonation makes me want to build a time machine. Like, sure, preventing genocide would be great and all, but imagine if we could right the cosmic wrong of her dismal Marilyn Monroe performance!

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The Coco/Alyssa feud is briefly discussed, but the part that really resonates with me is when Ru shames Santino for his “worst dress ever” judgment with basically a verbatim transcript of my Award Awards callout from episode 10. Do you read these recaps, Ru? Because I’m available to write for season 6.

In a look that all but literally says “I should have been in the final three,” Detox delivers a monochrome presentation so flawless that it could make you check the settings on your television. Her interview, like the others, is mostly filler, though the look of genuine horror that creeps across her face when the “Peanut Butter” twerkers swarm her is priceless. (Over on the other side of the stage, Lineysha is grinding so hard on one of the Andrew Christian models that I worry whether her tuck will hold.)

At last, the final three take their seats, vamping to fill the next half-hour with expected tales of family reconciliations and apologies for their snappish behavior and appreciation for their drag superstar husbands, yadda yadda yadda. Nobody cares, just call me when Jinkx gets crowned.

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And Jinkx gets crowned! MonSWOON.

I won’t bother with Award Awards, because the prizes have all been given out. The season has ended and I’ll now descend into a deep depression that will be cured only by the introduction of next year’s crop of hunties in waiting. Oh, and gin. I’ll get through it with gin. Seriously, will one of you come to my apartment and drink with me next Monday?

By:           Chris J Kelly
On:           May 7, 2013
Tagged: , , , ,

  • 9 Comments
    • rextrek
      rextrek

      Condragulations JINKX!!!!!!! SO happy YOU WON, You Deserved it!!!

      May 7, 2013 at 8:03 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • QJ201
      QJ201

      The right queen won. Ru has finally gotten in right 3 times in row now (S4, All Stars and now S5).

      May 7, 2013 at 8:14 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CleJoke
      CleJoke

      While Jinx was not my fave. She definitely deserved it over Roxxx.

      Roxxx’s rupology was a waste of breath. She’s shocked by the internet backlash. We’re shocked at that backside. Looks like she picked up the 70 she dropped before the season started. Leave the peanut butter on the shelf Roxxx.

      We need another All-Stars. Maybe a Star of Stars. Have Bebe, Sharon, Jinx, Chad, Tyra and Raja have at it for top dog.

      Another spin off RuPauls Amazing Drag Race. Make them do real world challenges. Get through a TSA checkpoint in drag. Cross the Mexican boarder in drag. You get the idea.

      May 7, 2013 at 8:32 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CleJoke
      CleJoke

      BTW DETOX looked amazing. Looked like she was CGIed into the footage.

      May 7, 2013 at 8:34 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Snapper59
      Snapper59

      When Vivianne Pinnay said she was a make-up artist I loved Ru’s “Do you think I should try make-up?” Best joke of the night.

      May 7, 2013 at 9:25 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fuckyeahNelsonHernandez
      fuckyeahNelsonHernandez

      @QJ201: Raja deserved her win as well, only Tyra TRULY didn’t deserve it in all 6 seasons.

      May 7, 2013 at 10:03 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Polaro
      Polaro

      Jinkx won, yeah! Lets face it, if you can’t laugh with a man in a dress you end up laughing at the man in the dress.

      May 7, 2013 at 11:00 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fredo777
      fredo777

      @QJ201: Interesting that you single only those 3 out as rightfully winning their crowns.

      May 7, 2013 at 12:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Fitz
      Fitz

      In my 300 years, so far, on the planet, I have never even been to a Drag Show. And I used to roll my eyes and leave when they would show up at my favorite Biker Bar. SHAME ON ME. RuPauls’s show has made me see what an idiot I was. Here’s to Drag Queens! I have come to love Monday night TV… and I am SO glad she didn’t pick the fat mean chick. I had PROMISED myself that I would never watch the show again if that turd had won.

      May 7, 2013 at 8:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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