[The following excerpt is from The Harlot’s Guide to Classy Cocktails, which is now available nearly everywhere books are sold.]
It was Friday night, and I was bar-hopping all of the establishments in New York City’s West Village. By the time I left the last watering hole, I was feeling as fabulous as I looked! After all, I had just completed one of those torturous ten-day juice cleanses that had me drinking my weight in spicy lemonade in order to look as svelte as Twiggy.
As I made my way down Seventh Avenue, a crowd began to form. People started to point and yell out how much they loved me. In my delightfully inebriated state, I could not help but revel in the attention! All of that starvation was clearly paying off, as my slender figure was sending forth a siren’s call to the adoring masses.
After several photos, hugs, and handshakes, I was blowing kisses to the crowd when I overheard two men nearby engaged in conversation. With a look of confusion, one man turned to the other and asked, “Who the heck is that chick that everyone is going crazy over?” As I cocked my head back preparing to declare my name, the second man blurted out with certainty, “It’s that fat actress….Melissa McCarthy!” I let out an audible gasp. At once I realized that every photo-op I had just enjoyed was only a case of mistaken identity. After days of relentlessly squeezing fresh lemons into a guaranteed pound-shedding concoction, I was being confused with one of the chubbiest actresses on the planet! I put a smile back on my face and laughed with the crowd until the last picture was taken.
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Then, I pursed my lips, adjusted my boobs, and stormed off in a Miss Piggy huff down the street to the nearest diner, where I drowned my diet in a trough of greasy food. Hell, if after not eating a solid morsel for close to two weeks I was still serving-up full-figured Hollywood starlet, why in the fuck would I continue to deny myself that cheeseburger and fries?!
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As an added bonus, here are a couple of cocktail recipes from Jeza Belle, who reminds us, “These recipes are meant to be super easy….just like the girls, so lots of simple twists on classics.”
Pink Panty Dropper
12 ounce container frozen pink lemonade concentrate
12 ounces vodka
Ice
Lemon twists
Pour container of frozen lemonade concentrate into a blender filled with ice. Fill the empty container with vodka and add to blender. Cover and blend until the consistency of a slushy. Pour into glasses and garnish with lemon twists. Serve immediately.
The Tuck
1 bottle dry red wine
32 ounces orange soda, such as San Pellegrino
¼ cup brandy
¼ cup orange juice
1 apple, cored and cut into pieces
1 orange, sliced thin
1 lime, sliced thin
Lime twists
Combine ingredients, except lime twists, in a large pitcher and refrigerate for a minimum of two hours. Pour into glasses and garnish with lime twists
Photo credit: Thomas Evans Photography
Ms Urethra Johnson
Why juice when you can douche?
Bob LaBlah
This was cute. At first I thought the rumors that the late Divine had a daughter out there some where were true but you proved those rumors false. This was original and funny. The only thing missing was the dildo shaped drink stirrer.
Good luck in your career. Hugs and kisses.
iggy6666
Im sure Melissa McCarthy would be equally offended
See4me
This is adorable and my god that hair is huge! Drop them panties girl.
melting
Miss Piggy huff! haha You and Melissa McCarthy do actually look alike and should both be proud! Big is beautiful.