Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.
A U.K. woman says she doesn’t know what to do after her father admitted to having an affair on her mother with another man.
“Last year my father told my mother he was gay and had had an affair with a family friend for 18 months,” the daughter recently wrote in to U.K. advice columnist Mariella Frostrup. “My mother wants a full explanation of what happened, who he really is, and what he wants. My dad feels responsible for my mum as he has been the primary earner during their marriage.”
The problem now, the daughter explains, is that her father doesn’t earn enough to support both himself and her mother independently should they get a divorce. On top of that, she says, “he doesn’t seem to see that his affair…was wrong.” And, as a result, the atmosphere in their home has become “poisonous.”
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“For my mum,” she laments, “the idea of starting her life again on her own at the age of 65 with no income is insurmountable. I want to support her, and reach out to my dad, but he is finding it difficult to talk. He needs to admit that what he did was wrong. Can you advise me on the best way to support both of them?”
Never fear. Mariella Frostrup has the solution.
“Having an affair is certainly not to be applauded,” the advice columnist replies, “but if your father has waited this long to succumb to his natural desires then he also deserves your respect. I’m presuming he too is in his mid-60s and that’s a very long time to wait to express your full sexuality.”
She continues: “I sympathize with your mother’s need for an apology and to ascertain just who she’s been living with for the past four decades, but my suspicion is he’s exactly the man she thought he was. Secret fantasies and longings are part of being human and, though your sexual preference is an ingredient of who you are, it doesn’t offer the full picture.”
Word.
“I’d be very surprised if your father feels guilt-free about his affair,” Frostrup concludes, “but I also imagine those feelings are laced with a degree of liberation at summoning the courage to reveal himself in an honest way. The only way you can find out for sure is by letting him know you want to talk to him in a non-judgmental way to find out how he feels about the situation.”
What words of advice would you give to the daughter in this situation? Sound off in the comments section below.
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Billy Budd
Kill dad while he is still married, so that the pension goes to the mother!
Matt1961
While I didn’t have an affair, I was married for 22 years, had 3 kids, and lived a very affluent life with my wife for a time. When I admitted to myself, and then to her and my children, that I was gay, it was after a long bout of pain med addiction by my ex wife, one that led to her stealing from the family and blaming my children for the theft. I still feel a need to protect her even though she did her best to leave me without a single asset or any income to call my own, all at the urging of her side of the family.
Today I live with my kids, and beg their mother to make time for them on a routine basis. I know she’s still in denial about her new life, and cannot seem to get a hold of her finances to save herself, even after getting at least 1/2 of the assets from our lives together, which were substantial.
I know in my heart that had she not been addicted to drugs, had been a productive member of our family, I would still be married to her and still be denying myself a certain level of happiness.
I understand this man, wanting happiness, and knowing it will hurt is wife and kids some how. There just don’t seem to be any easy answers unfortunately.
NG22
@Matt1961: Thank you for sharing.
NoCagada
@Billy Budd: Better yet…they divorce, you marry her and then we kill you. Then you really don’t have to be one of THOSE homosexuals…and take JasonSmegma (also, not one of THOSE homosexuals) with you.
Josh447
My God he looks like Sean Connery in the picture. Where was I?
The daughter and mom both need to take sensitivity training classes regarding gays. Straight ppl have no idea what it’s like to be gay or bi and most think it’s a choice so they would take this situation as a huge afront. Until they both really get how pathetically perceived gay people are by most straights, Compassion and forgiveness by all parties probably won’t take place, maybe ever.
Transportive Therapy where each person plays the part of the other in their minds for even a few minutes to a few days at a time, can be very very helpful. You can really know what it’s like then, to “walk in another man’s shoes”. This can ignite an incredible amount of understanding.
When one gets it’s “not all about you” and sometimes huge shit happens and people sometimes lie to save their lives and happiness, all can be forgiven much sooner than later. This is hell and we want it to be heaven. The smart ones get that and work it through. Love and understanding the matrix here is the key.
If you don’t get your part in every relationship, and all the possible fallout that can happen, time for that extra hit of caffeine in the coffee.
jwtraveler
Since the woman who wrote this letter is never going to read Queerty, there’s no need to offer any advice.
Low Country Boy
@jwtraveler: Wow! You are correct. I’m done.
n1spirit
@Billy Budd: You’re a dumb***. Firstly, I seriously doubt that his sexuality came as a total surprise to his wife. They’re apparently in their mid-sixties. You don’t stay married THAT damn long without picking up on a few things. Also, why is it so damned important to you that he continue to deny his true sexual orientation? I’m not condoning infidelity. (Personally, I think if you’re not happy in a marriage and feel it’s necessary to get your needs met elsewhere then you should officially call it quits so that your partner can move on as well without being strung along.) But it happens — AND it happens because far too many judgmental ass***** have made gay men and women who seemingly aren’t strong enough to rise up beyond their fear to give in to the peer pressure and “blend in.” Late in life they discover they’ve wasted an entire lifetime pretending to be something they’re not. Sure, it may not have been fair to the wife to discover that her husband was having an 18-month old affair with another man… But neither was it fair that the MAN was made to feel he had to fulfill a certain role out of obligation to everybody but himself. In closing, Billy Bud, “Get stuffed!”
tusgold
I am 56 I have a lover that is 42, we have been together 25 years. I also have a bf for about 8 years who actually lives with us and he is 38. Both know I am going nowhhere. No one has any insecurities no one feels less loved.
I’m suprised the bi-sexual card wasn’t played which could justiify his need and attraction to a man and a woman. My question would be why did the affair end? That will open up a lot of unanswered questions. The wife is not in competition with his gay lover. You know take the example of a happily married couple and one dies young and the surviving member remarries again in a very happy relationship. My point is there is not just 1 perfect match. My lover and I don’t even talk about the issue he has no insecurities about us. Has the husband asked for a divorce? If no why are they making their golden years miserable. It happened hes at least bisexual and move on together or all 3 of them. This doesnt have to be the end of everything.
inbama
This is why people so many people want nothing to do with bisexuals.
jantheman4903
if this were all hetereo..the answers would be sooo different. if he is that old..he could have made choices and articulated before having an affair.perhaps the wife would be more able to listen if she had not been cheated on first. am not a prude at all. but this is not a 26 yr old that went “o god what have i done”. maybe i am wrong..and glad to be just be respectful. all have a good nite.
Ladbrook
@tusgold: Are you implying that bisexuality is a free pass to cheat on one’s partner, if said cheating is with the other gender?
jason smeds
Cheating is cheating regardless of the reasons. What should the wife do in this case? It’s up to her and her alone.
Arcamenel
Her mother needs to get a job and the whole family needs some therapy.
Tebn
Honestly, it’s too late because they are too old.
As well, when he got married he assumed a firm commitment, now he must keep his word. He should have thought about it before.
Anyway, they have no time to start a new life.
Mykaels
This is in the U.K., not the U.S., so the mother wont be destitute and thrown away by society like she would be here in the U.S. She needs to accept the new arrangement or divorce, take half of everything, and move on.
The father should never have had an affair. He should have been upfront and honest with his wife from the beginning about his feelings. They could have gone to counseling to help all adjust and deal with his admission of bisexuality/homosexuality.
As for the daughter, this is not something she can fix, and needs to stay out of the mess, while loving and supporting all involved.
lcandela123
I think Dad should have fessed up to Mom before the affair, and see if they could come to an arrangement. Then, this would have been less of a bombshell on Mom, which was unfair and caused a lot of pain. I suspect that Dad succumbed to the thrill of the moment, and then got caught up in this torrid affair.
There must be millions of guys like Dad. Forced into unsatisfying marriage with opposite sex partners since society would not accept them as gay. Happily, this is now changing. Totally unfair to the women that unknowingly married gay guys.
I have to wonder about the sex life of Mom and Dad after so many years of marriage. I bet they were having little or no sex. This is obviously true of many heterosexual marriages, and is quite common among gay long-term partners, I have learned. Continental Europeans have a much more reasonable attitude towards extra-marital affairs than does Puritanical (and hypocritical) America and Victorian England. Why bust up a good marriage just because the sex has inevitably fizzled? Keep the comfort and domestic love of your spouse, but have exciting, thrilling sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Encourage your spouse to do the same. My secret for a happy marriage late in life.
I thought the advice columnist was quite reasonable and sensitive in her reply.
jwtraveler
@tusgold: If your relationships and arrangement work for all of you, that’s great. They won’t necessarily work for others.
Cam
@tusgold:
Oh my god! Can we have a post like this in here without some of you trying to divert it into a “Bisexuals exist” thing?
Back to the topic, doesn’t the UK have pensions for older divorced people to help them like this?
Zekester
Jesus fucking Christ! Why is Queerty so fucking obsessed with straight men and closeted gay men. It seems like every other story here is about one or the other or both. It seems to be a fetish.
Clark35
@Zekester: Exactly.