“Imagine a pair of underwear designed to glide up and down your penis, designed to simulate sex beautifully…enabling you to take the dance all the way to orgasm.”
That’s the hypothetical that “Liquid Lapdance” claims to have turned into a reality with their new (fairly hideous looking) diaper-esque product. Just strap it to your loins and lube up and you’ll be busting a nut at the strip club in no time. Or so they say.
Vice’s Mitchell Sunderland decided to put the latex contraption to the test at NYC gay strip club Adonis Lounge, and his account of the experience with Matthew the stripper is nothing if not entertaining.
“He pushed me onto the foam, removed his glasses, and then jumped on me like a bunny rabbit. He ground on me, but the spandex diaper was inhibiting any sort of sensation in my dick, even as it was pushed firmly against his ass.
I looked down and noticed Matthew had grown a boner before me. A stripper had never gotten hard while giving me a lap dance. I felt obligated to jerk Matthew off through his underwear. In return Matthew jerked me off through the diaper.
He gave a good handie, but I’m not in seventh grade—I wanted a lap dance that would stimulate my penis like anal sex—so I told Matthew to turn around to see if the new position would allow me to feel his ass through the spandex bag. He slid his undies off a bit and then rubbed his ass on my dick.
“Are you in college?” I asked.
“Marymount,” he said.
Then I gave him a blow job. He tried to give me a blow job (which was technically against the rules), and we made out some more. Then we stopped, frustrated by what amounted to one of those plastic baggies newspapers are delivered in strangulating my junk. “You have to give me a lap dance,” I said, followed by a few words I do not think I will ever have the pleasure of uttering again for the rest of my life: “I have to come in the bag for my story.”
“I’m a journalist.”
“Can’t you just lie like that other guy?”
I wasn’t sure who “that other guy” was. (Did Jason Blair love strip clubs?) “No,” I told Matthew. I pulled back on the diaper, and he started to give me a lap dance again. I didn’t feel like I was going to come anytime soon.”
The moral of the story?
“The Liquid Lapdance had promised me a orgasm, but instead the diaper had screwed me out of a blow job.”
Even if it did work, what then? You walk around the rest of the night in a pair of underwear filled with lube and cum? Doesn’t sound very cute.
Read the full story here.