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We know John spends plenty of time in gay bars, because the last time we saw him he was delivering a few simple rules about what not to do at gay bars, and he wouldn’t just hand out that advice without doing his research! But maybe John, 22, spends too much time at these establishments, because it has him thinking all homos are just into the physical (okay, sometimes true!), which is going to leave him single forever. And he’s ready to abandon the whole gay thing! Ready for sweeping statements and generalities? Awesome!
“I’m done,” says John. “Done with the whole thing. Done with the whole gay scene. Done with the whole materialistic, judgmental, wearing the hottest seasonal outfits. Not me. It’s not me. But being straight isn’t me, either. Nothing’s me.”
This is giving us the sads. John says “I wish I could change it sometimes,” and by “it” he means his sexuality. But what John forgets, of course, is that heterosexuals are, very often, equally obsessed with looks. And also: John is not bad looking. He is quite cute, actually. His flying solo through life (through “all” 22 years) has less to do with his sexuality, and more to do with circumstance and outlook.
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Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
“It’s hard. I’m not gonna sugar-coat it: It’s fucking hard to be gay and okay with your sexuality and to be okay with who you are in this world. It sucks sometimes.” This is true. But in the end, we wouldn’t trade it for anything. Would you?
ksu499
I remember him. He’s cute. If he’s having trouble attracting someone worthwhile, he needs take a look at his attitude, the vibes he’s giving off, his venues or all of it.
The Artist
Why don’t you start liking yourself, then everything else will fall into place. Theraphy should also be explored and stop whinging!
adamblast
Yes, I’d trade it. I’m proud to be gay in a political sense, and damn well know there’s nothing wrong with it–at least consciously. Still.
I spent the first 3 years of puberty in secret religious hell… desperately trying to pray the gay away, panicked that everyone could tell I was queer by the way I looked–or by the way I looked *at* them. Then I started trying to blind myself.
My 20s were suicidal. My 30s were about watching everyone else die of AIDS while I survived only because I was so repressed.
At age 52 I’ve had less sex than the average gay guy probably has in a week or two. Being gay has sucked. My life has sucked. If I could press a magic button for a random new life I’d have done it in a second.
Same Crap
22 is way too young to be jaded over these things.
But he has a point about the lookism within the community. I don’t think there is really any comparison with the heterosexual and homosexual obsession with body image and looks. One is clearly to a higher degree than the other.
DillonS
The Artist is right. It really comes down to liking yourself before you will ever be in a healthy relationship of any substance.
Once I got to a place where I did not need to be appreciated by anyone else, where I was okay being me and being with me, that’s when I was able to meet and date and do so in a healthy way.
Yeah, I dated some idiots, jerks, morons, cheats … but I also met a couple truly amazing men who filled my life with unbelievable joy.
Hopefully John will get there, sooner rather than later, and without the influence of the more negative members of the community. We don’t need any more jaded, bitter queens copping attitude out there. Happy, healthy queens are much more fun!
chango
I’m thinking John may come to regret video blogging his heart-felt sentiments to, well, to people like me.
Definitely makes me thankful that this sort of thing wasn’t available to me when I was 22. Rereading my journal is painful enough.
2ndBorn
Dillons is right. How does he expect anyone to like him if he doesn’t even like himself? My luck was that when I finally convinced myself that I didn’t NEED anyone to fill that hole in my life, that’s when I met the love of my life. You have to be okay in case you don’t find anyone to fill that place in your life. THAT’s when you’ll meet someone.
And you have to believe the notion that somewhere out there, there is someone made just for you, and you’re made just for them. If people like George Bush and my Grandfather could find people to make them happy, so can you!
Republican
I don’t follow his videos, but does he have family members who hate him? I wonder where this sadness is really coming from.
Anyway, if I remember correctly from one of the last videos that was posted here, he goes to Arizona State University, which is a very sexually open school with tens of thousands of other students. Surely there is at least one gay guy there who is looking for romance like John seems to be.
Since I think he reads these comments, I’ll address him directly. I agree with some of the other comments. John, buddy, if you go around being sad all the time, you’re going to turn off the people who aren’t looking for just the physical. Think about it. People who are just looking for a quick hookup will ignore your attitude if you open your pants, but the gays you’re looking for will notice the vibe you give and think, “Gee, that guy isn’t very happy.” Not a turn-on my friend.
Are you feeling like this all the time? If so, I would look into the possibility of depression. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Millions of people have it.
Take care and best wishes in life. Hang in there. 🙂
mojojojo
What a whine baby!
ggreen
The biggest problem is gay bars. What kinds of people go to gay bars regularly? Usually folks who are over weight, out of shape, alcoholic, under achievers that constantly call and text. Extra points for being obnoxious and boring at the same time. The honest self-esteem gets chucked at the door, but the pompous delusions of grandeur come after the third vodka.
benlayvey
Girls are overrated, I love my boys! Wouldn’t change it for worlds. In my experience, and I’m 24, I slept with my age mates for quick pleasure and spend more time/have a relationship with my older men. They actually listen and give good conversation. Friday nights in front of the fireplace in each others arms, exchanging stories, aspirations with a fine wine and a Bach sums it all up. The younger ones are not ready for building relationships and its not our fault. We are not allowed to express our feelings early in life which in effect hampers our ability to build our attachment-to-others dynamics for instance childhood relationships/dating that our straight counterparts would have been pursuing from an earlier age. This suppression of desires explodes when we are ready to be out to the world. We are not ready to be monogamous as we feel the best years of our lives have been robbed from us. We then spend the next 30-40years “catching up” on our sexual experience which leaves little room for monogamy. By the time we realize that time has been indifferent to us, we are old, bitter, and ALONE. My partner always tells me very often how lucky he is to have found me for the past 7-8yrs.His life had the same historical arch as the one discussed previously. I thank him for finding me because his experience put a halt to my ridiculous escapades. I want a family and I want to see my grandchildren before my ascent into the heavens. We often discuss sculpting our family in the image of the one displayed in the film “The Family Stone” with Diane Keaton. We hope to be as democratic a parent as they were in that film.
This reminds me, are there any gay granddads out there? I often wonder. Not the one who came out late after-say 50yrs of marriage to a woman. I mean two gay dads-who’d been out earlier in life and has grandkids with his partner. Let me know as I have never encountered one.
Brian NJ
I liked this video. But he is wrong about being alone. When I was 23 I wish I had youtube to get feedback from. He looks like he is doing great, and doing just what he should be doing, expressing his yearning to feel more connected.
I don’t feel as though he is alone; he just took me back and made me remember feeling the same things. I am less alone because of him. So he is helping me. I still get like this sometimes.
However, every gay man is responsible for surrounding themselves with positive, loving, achieving gay and straight men and women. If they are not doing that, they should seriously question why not. If you can’t get that in your region of the country, then consider moving.
chango
@ggreen:
Congratulations John! Thanks to this comment, you look positively well adjusted!
Jon
Thanks to this new embed function, we cannot view any of the vids. Thanks Queerty.
RomanHans
Sigh; I have such mixed feelings about the younger generation. I feel for him, but on the other hand, I’m offended by his slagging off all gays just because he’s hanging with a moronic crowd. I mean, do the kids on Jersey Shore realize how ridiculous they look and lament heterosexuality?
DR
What folks need to realize is that he’s set to graduate from college and enter the REAL world.
College, for many LGBs at a large university, is a time to safely explore who you are as a person. They’re in a self-contained environment, can go to group meetings every week with other LGB youth, have administrators to protect them, etc. Especially those who attend a fairly liberal university as I believe John does.
Now he’s graduating. He’s recognizing that the persona he has crafted, which has certainly been influenced by the larger community, suddenly isn’t “him” any more. He’s left to redefine who he is in a community which really doesn’t value him. Maybe it would be a bit different if he had not done video journals, who knows.
It’s also really easy to talk about how important it is to love yourself, but we do live in a hard world. When you’re surrounded by people who snap judge you based on your looks and looks alone without regard to the person you are, and the only outlets you have encourage such behavior, it’s just not that damned easy. I live in a small community where we have the internet and bars. That’s it. Our Pride group is self-contained, there are no LGB social groups, book clubs, or anything else. Just bars and chatrooms. And that’s a sad existence to force upon people.
Cut the kid some slack and wake up, we’ve all been there.
terrwill
Boo fucking hoo………Wash your hair, shave that boystashe and the crap off your chin, put on a a clean shirt and a pair of jeans…….. go to a bar or community center, or join Gay group……..simply go up to someone you find attractive and start a conversation……it is really not that hard Johnny
RomanHans
Exactly, Terrwill — he’s hanging around bars and then complaining everybody he meets is alcoholic.
As for the question would I rather be straight, are you kidding? Do you know any straight people?
Mike in Asheville, nee "in Brooklyn"
@No. 8 Republican
You wrote what I was thinking.
John, if you catch these comments, do check out your own video from September 2009 about whether one should try an change from gay to straight. You had your head on straight, or gayly forward.
I came out at 20 in 1980, a junior at Cal. My dad strongly encouraged me to join the campus support group for gay students, and so glad I did. While swimming or other events, man tried everything to hook up with a couple graduate students who I thought were just sexy as all. And one of them I ended up meeting in the support group. But the big surprise, was the adorable 17 year old freshman ballet major who swept me off my feet. Our romance lasted almost 3 years, had lots and lots of fun, some hard cries too. Today, he and his hubby of 20+ years are my and my hubby of 23 years best of friends (my hubby’s ex and the ex’s hubby are also great friends and have been together 20+ years too).
Like Republican, I wondered about support (or denouncement) from your family. I know I was lucky that my dad, to all a man’s man, more than accepted my sexuality, he enforced, within the family and his circle of friends, that I and my boyfriends, had every bit the right to live the lives of our choice. Was not so lucky with my mom who I haven’t spoken to in 10 years. When boyfriend/now husband’s family disowned him; 20 years later, we have no interface with his dad, but today my hubby is across the country spending the day with his mom).
One thing a can tell you, you are a member of the family you make.
Lastly, Republican is right; depression, anxiety, and confusion are medical conditions/diseases requiring treatment. To appease my mom, I saw a phsyciatrist when I came out. Glad I did! In one and only session, I learned that the my problem was my mom not my sexuality. Years later, I began seeing a phsyciatrist over a period of a 2 years dealing with the loss of my father, my HIV/AIDS status, my hubby’s HIV- status, the double dealings with my mother, financial difficulties, and a business partner who went physco violent threatening me and my hubby’s lives. The therapy, including some medications, brought back much brighter days.
Good luck kiddo; you are in my thoughts.
Arvistopolis
Goddamn. Not the whole ‘woe is me, I’ll be forever alone” schtick again. That’s getting old in the community. The boy is 22, for god’s sake.
DR
Brian NJ
[snip]
However, every gay man is responsible for surrounding themselves with positive, loving, achieving gay and straight men and women. If they are not doing that, they should seriously question why not. If you can’t get that in your region of the country, then consider moving.
—————————————————————–
You make that last part sound so simple, especially in today’s economy. The last job opening we had in my office yielded about 100 resumes for ONE open position. That’s reality for you. Sometimes, you have to go where the jobs are, and that may not always be in the large metro areas where there are signs of intelligent life.
YOUTH IN REVOLT
@terrwill: “Boystache” I could never come up with the right name for those stray pubes on dudes upper lips…..Priceless
Jacob
I would never give up being gay. Its part of who i am and i rather be honest to myself rather than live a lie. If anyone doesnt like it…they can pee off simples :o)
Erik
He seems like a good guy; I understand what he is expressing. I’ve heard from many gay people — young and old — a lot of them have shared similar feelings.
Is he whining as some have said? No, not in my opinion.
Dirty Ole Man
Dude just jump off a fucking bridge already!
This pathetic young man proves that we fags have
alot of work to do with ourselves. He’s YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, and is on track to finish college, yet he’s finding the most inane things to bitch and moan about! My sense is; this kid will never be truly happy. No matter how successful he becomes in life, or how great his future boyfriend is; he’ll always be a pessimistic jaded queen boy!
Being Gay is not a choice. So what?? Does that mean it has to be a Life Sentence to being Miserable?
GROW UP!
Erik
He is not pathetic at all.
jason
John has a point. I think the gay community puts too much emphasis on materialism, appearance, and catching up at the bar. It’s a very stereotypical cultural aspect of our community, and it needs to stop.
Yuki
I think John is adorable. However, I really don’t think that simply because he’s gay, he should be “dressing well” and loving nice things and such. If that’s a part of him, that’s fine, but he should be himself and just happen to like guys rather than anything else. I think that would really help his self-esteem.
david beck
I’m guessing:
1) small you know what
2) bossy bottom
3) lousy kisser
or (and this is probably it)
4) all of the above.
Good luck bud
Toby
I would trade it. I came out at 22 and at the age of 40 I have tried bars, clubs, online dating, work, gay centers etc. and nothing. Besides my parents the longest relationship I have ever had is with my dentist. He has been in my mouth more times than any guy I have dated. I’m a professional, above average looks (so I’m told), open minded, friendly and yet I look around and I’m alone (thank goodness for friends and family). Most people in relationships I know are serial daters that just hop from one to the next for 6 months and then 3 and then a year or the ones in relationships are open or cheating. My parents have been married for 46 years and I want what they have. I honestly believe if I were straight I would have a smart, kind and attractive wife but I can’t get that in the gay world.
When I came out to my parents 18 years ago they said they were scared for me that my life was going to be so hard. With the innocence and optimism of youth I smiled and said my life wouldn’t be hard. In hindsight I was wrong.
Desch
He seems like a smart and thoughtful and feeling person. At 22, yes, a lot of life seems daunting. And it IS still hard to be gay in this society.
My hope for him is to graduate, follow his dreams and career, and i hope he knows he will find someone and fall in love. Your whole life is ahead of you, John, and you’ve got a lot going for you. Finding yourself and your place in the world is hard for everyone- but yes, it can seem especially hard for gay people. But think of yourself as special, perhaps being gay has given you your powers of empathy and observation and sensitivity that makes me think you’re an exceptional young man. Good luck, don’t give up hope. Best to you.
damdallas
They first of all stop being gay or str8 just be you and I proems you it will work out.
DamDallas
thatguyfromboston
I’m definitely a looksist. I wouldn’t do him, based on the chin-strap alone. Shave you lazy bitch. or at least go all out and grow a full beard.
benlayvey
It is sad to see people here try to lid the fact that loneliness is a viable issue in our community especially if you are the low key kind of gay. This boy’s feelings are legitimate regardless of his stats and for him to feel lonely even as he frequents clubs is a testament to the dimensions of the problem. This was the very prophesy of my aunt when she caught an Irish missionary giving me a blow job @ age 9 in our village back in Africa. She angrily warned me that “such men lead LONELY, wasted lives.” I fear she may be right because our culture is one of aesthetics and there is no institutional/societal framework [ex. marriage benefits] to encourage gay monogamous couplings. We are destined to the same fate as Hector from “The History Boys” if these factors are not altered somehow, I’m afraid.
benlayvey
@Toby: Hear, hear!
AlwaysGay
Heterosexuals are NOT gay people’s authority on anything relating to sexuality. Heterosexuals are outsiders with prejudices to homosexuality. Stop listening to them and you will have a happy life.
RainbowsandSunshine
Maybe I’m just f’ed in the head but, it seems to me he’s not done with being gay like the title says. Didn’t he just really mean he’s done with acting superficial? I think he just phrased it badly.
I know what he’s thinking. I’ve been there before. But he seems to think that every gay guy is in to all the superficial shit. It’s sad that at twenty three and in college he still thinks that’s all there is in the gay community. I’m not saying anything is wrong with guys who are into looks and style, though, I am one.
Also, what the hell is up with his clothes and facial hair? It’s pretty damn apparent he’s over trying to look stylish.
RainbowsandSunshine
@Toby: That’s so goddamn sad. If you’re all the things you say you are it seems to me you’d have a man. Maybe just lighten up. Get Boyfriend 101 by Jim Sullivan. It’s all about finding lasting, loving, gay relationships. It worked for me.
http://www.amazon.com/Boyfriend-101-Dating-Romance-Finding/dp/0812992199/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265416819&sr=8-1
I promise you it will help.
DillonS
@david beck: hooray, one of the ‘thinks-herself-so-clever” bitchy queens I was talking about earlier. Or were you just referring to yourself with your stupid little list.
Give the kid a break. I’ve seen gay/straight/men/women find themselves in the same space when about to head off into the real world after college. He’s just being your average 22-year-old who may not have had the same support system some of us had.
People are so harsh. Guess a little sympathy and empathy aren’t cool enough for some of you. Sad.
dvlaries
Life changes so fast at 22. In two months John could meet the love of his life, and in six months after that not recognize the dillusioned soul talking today. It happened to me that way, and I don’t think it’s all that uncommon.
GimmeABreak
Don’t give up at 22. I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was 30. He was divorced and came with 2 kids. After dating for a year and getting to know his kids, I moved in. Gave up my job and became a stay at home step-dad to a 9 year old and an 11 year old. That was 10 years ago and it’s been a whirlwind. Three years ago, our surrogate gave birth to twins. So, I now have 4 wonderful kids: 21, 19, and twins who are 3. I have everything I always wanted. Am glad I didn’t give up looking at 22. So, enjoy your life, don’t become bitter, take a few chances along the way, and it will happen. And remember your 20s are a wonderful time to be single. Make a lot of friends and savor your youth. There’s plenty of time later on for all the responsibilities of adulthood.
Brennan
You know, i actually totally agree with him. It sucks most of the time. If i had the opportunity to take a magic pill and be straight, i would — without any hesitation. Maybe that makes me weak, or a sellout of some sort, but whatever.
I felt that way at 22, i feel that way now at 25.
geoff
@Brennan: Dude, seriously, at 25 your life is nowhere near over! I thought mine was at 25 too, but beliieve me it’s not. The fact that you can be who you are at that age, you are already miles ahead of where I was at 25. Shit, at 27 I wanted to be staight because of the horrible relationship I was in. You’re not a sellout or whatever or weak,just maybe a little impatient. As long as you’re a good person, good things will come to you! I know you don’t believe it, but for some of us it takes till when you’re in your 30s or even your 40s or beyond to find what you’re looking for. For most people it happens when you least expect it. Love yourself and who you are, and others will follow ( I wouldn’t have believed it at your age either, but in my mid 30’s, I know it’s true).Peace.
jason
The problem is that we in the gay population are directed to places like gay bars and nightclubs to find permanent happiness. In fact, what we often find is a one-night stand and a temporary high. We are being manipulated into thinking that commerce and consumerism is gay liberation. It isn’t.
The people who are manipulating us include those within our own community. They want to make money off us. They’re not stupid. They know how to exploit us.
True gay liberation will only come when we can look the exploiters in the eye and say “we don’t want any of that”.
Matt
I would trade it, just to not be discriminated against and harassed. But as for the rest of it – John, why do you think you have to wear the latest fashions? If you’re hanging out with materialistic, judgmental people who are only into the physical, you can change that. Join an LGBT political group or an MCC. Look for people like you online, or go to a casual bar. Make friends with people who share your outlook or interests, regardless of their sexual orientation. The gay scene you’re rejecting isn’t the whole gay scene, just the most stereotypical part of it.
Anthony in Nashville
Bitter gay men who talk about “going straight” because the red carpet wasn’t rolled out by the gay community need to get a grip!
Being gay isn’t enough, you still have to have a personality.
jmoney
Aww! That poor guy. Clearly he’s got the gay thing all wrong: it’s not about the bars or the clothes or the bossiness. It’s love baby! Get out of the bars and find a group of friends you like. Then, like a good afternoon fishing, you just wait for the perfect catch to come to you.
Fighting!
Toby
@RainbowsandSunshine:
Thanks 🙂 but I have read my fair share of gay books about relationships, dating, etc. When you are raised with morals and values and play by the rules it means nothing if many of the other people you encounter don’t have morals, values and don’t care about rules.
Soakman
Shame on you guys who are making fun of this lonely dude. Pulling your life together at 22 is stressful enough without the addition of dealing with being a pariah.
We have all at one point or another let loose our frustrations and rage about the hardships of being gay. Loneliness is just one of these. Visiblitiy (because being gay is not like being black where you can pick people out of a crowd) is an issue. In order to fix that issue, we crowd into bars and cruisy spots because we are lonely and want to find some companionship (even if it is just for one night). It’s why you can’t go out to a gay environment without having someone be extremely forward. Lots of exhibitionists, lots of PDA, lots of dirty talk, lots of social enhancers (drugs, alcohol, whatever)….
I’m not saying that all gays should hate any or all of these things, I’m just saying that our particular situation makes a LOT of us feel like they are a necessary part of our lives.
Stop kicking your fellow men, and gay men, when they’re down. Or at least don’t expect someone to help pick you up later. Talk about ugly!
Nick
You know what he’d be if he was straight? Alone and depressed and feeling sorry for himself just like now.
TTTTom
Being gay does not suck! Being gay and unable to embrace the fab life and learning how to make the best of the hand you’ve been dealt does. John isn’t ready to graduate. He needs to stay in school until he learns to love himself. Until then, he should stop making videos and asking others to be as miserable as himself. Some of us like being gay and accept what we have no control over. If I weren’t gay I’d be doing A LOT wrong–and I’m not. I’m doing it right. Just the way God intended. Try “thank you” instead of “It sucks.”
jason
Anthony in Nashville,
Perfectly said.
I think some self-described gay men forget that personality is what gets one ahead in life, not just the fact of being “gay”.
Lawrence
I can’t help that I’m a gay man. And although it brought challenges and adversity while I was discovering the person I was, it’s that very adversity and those very challenges that I overcame to become the man I am today. In hindsight, I wouldn’t change a thing.
John, I can only hope that one day you can look back and say the same.
Forrest
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, get crucial, what’s your damage?!.John, why are you pulling my dick?
(Sorry been on a Heathers tear lately)
…..He is only 22! And only beginning to explore. I reccomend seeking out gay friendly therapy. Helped me in the past. Sometimes being able to speak freely to impartial ears can be very cathartic.
We all have our own flaws and insecurities but one has to focus on working on yourself and being happy internally. Life is a constant work in progress. Confidence and a good spirit is very sexy.
As for me at 32 I feel much more centered and at peace than in my 20s. Having a fun dating life and trying not to be trapped by expectations of the “scene”.
I would never want to be straight. My sexuality is an integral part of my being. Not a burden or a problem to work on. Wishing to be straight only infers that being gay is wrong when it’s just as natural as heterosexuality.
Gary
Being straight is hardly a guarantee you’ll be happy – there are millions of miserable straight people out there.
Also, the problem is not gay bars – the problem is trying to find a real relationship in a bar – again, not a problem limited to gay people.
If he thinks “all gays” are a certain way, he simply needs to hang out with different gays – the only thing “all gays” have in common is same-sex attraction. After that, we are a microcosm of this world and all of the people in it – there is no more diverse group on the planet than us.
One other thing: life tends to suck when you’re 22 – again, regardless of whether you’re straight or gay.
Quit blaming your gayness for your unhappiness people! YOU are responsible for how you feel – regardless of where you like to stick your dick.
Being gay is truly a gift. It’s a rare and wonderful thing. We’re lucky! Embrace it.
jason
Gay sexuality shouldn’t be a burden but the gay bar scene can be awfully depressing. I once said to a friend of mine that the gay bar scene was the most ruthless example of natural selection known to mankind. If you didn’t fit a certain look, you were ostracized.
I can only say to gay men the following: do not under any circumstances confine your social activities to the gay bar scene. Mix in with society, get some friends of all sexual orientations of both genders.
If you confine yourself to gay bars and gay ghettos, you’ll end up bitter and twisted.
Russ
Perhaps I am missing the argument, but I fail to see what being straight or gay has to do with anything. I know plenty of single straight people who are depressed and sad that can’t seem to meet someone, as I do gay people. Gay bars, straight bars… does the venue even matter? If you’re lonely, would the ability to suddenly change your sexuality really solve your problem? So instead of being 22, gay and alone, wouldn’t he be 22, straight and alone?
Mike in Asheville, nee "in Brooklyn"
@No. 30 Toby
@No. 35 Bevlayvey
@No. 42 Brennan
@No. 45 Matt
Really guys? And you think that life in hell, vis a vis, Ted Haggard will bring you unburdened love and happiness. Ted says he is ready to minister again, and he wants to share his experience overcoming his now former “gay” nature. The Haggards need the money, so why not contact them and ask to join their household for a month or two; check out the “miracle” of turning straight, and start living your new lives.
I suspect that unlike Ted, all of you would find the hell too much to handle and come running back to the gay bars, just for the relief of being able to breathe.
@No. 36 AlwaysGay SAID:
“Heterosexuals are NOT gay people’s authority on anything relating to sexuality. Heterosexuals are outsiders with prejudices to homosexuality. Stop listening to them and you will have a happy life.”
What a succinct observation! I hope that the Gay, Inc. and the newer marriage-equality folks take this observation into account in determining new strategies to gain anew the momentum needed achieve our civil rights goals.
Unfortunately for the LGBT community, a solid majority of the vast heterosexual majority simply cannot get their heads around the notion that 2 men or 2 women (let alone the complexities faced by Bs and Ts) have the same level of conscience emotions of love that they have. Few straight men (yes I am stereotyping) have the maturity to even consider that 2 men can enjoy the sex and love that they enjoy with women. And they view 2 women as their own sexual jollies; not for the potential relationship of the women. And a huge majority of straight women (again yes stereotyping) are personally offended that 2 men or 2 women could possibly compare the quality of a same-sex relationship to their love for their man. Even in spite of the fact that more straight marriages end in divorce; they simply serialize their beliefs.
To achieve a sincere societal acceptance, we need ideas that show and express that our feelings and emotions are just as valid as theirs. This is the challenge to overcome.
Ian
@No.56 Jason
…the gay bar scene was the most ruthless example of natural selection known to mankind. If you didn’t fit a certain look, you were ostracized.
@No.4 Same Crap
…he has a point about the lookism within the community. I don’t think there is really any comparison with the heterosexual and homosexual obsession with body image and looks. One is clearly to a higher degree than the other.
I feel for John in his realization in discovering as most do at some point that the gay community is by and large sex driven and sadly superficial and very judgemental (the judgementalism due to their own accumulated bitterness from disillusion of the superficiality of the gay community). I’m 38 and in the straight world I’m considered quite the catch as many women have been clearly attracted to me over the years who didn’t know I was gay while out & about, yet in the gay community I am mostly treated like the elephant man w/a highly communicable disease to boot as I am only of ‘average’ looks.
And don’t give me any guff about having a negative attitude while at the bar etc. as I DO have a positive attitude going out and I have tried gay bars, gay community centers, gay social groups, gay activity groups, etc. etc. and I have come to the realization that after 16yrs of being out and looking for a longterm relationship that ironically enough as a secure and truly loving of my sexuality gay man (as I know that if I wasn’t gay I wouldn’t be who I am, I’d be someone else, and I truly love who I am, but not to the point that I’m a narcissist by any means) that other gay men mostly want nothing to do w/me as I am not deemed attractive by the gay communities standards of “what’s hot” yet in the straight world there are MANY women who are attracted to me as they don’t expect me to be a “10” and see my personality and what I have to offer.
So John, I bet at this point you’d think that I’d just give up and get married to a woman? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!! I LOVE being gay and YES while there are a number of other gays who ARE superficial and full of shit, you can’t simply “walk away” as you are who you are, it’s genetic and a blessing that was given to you, there ISN’T any walking away from it. You can only keep trying and hope that if you look long enough and hard enough you can find a man of quality. And hell, it really doesn’t hurt that you ARE cute on the outside as well 🙂
Have inner peace/love and patience man, 22 is awful young to get soured up on life. Although you probably might want to give the bars a rest for awhile, they can be depressing at ANY age! Just concentrate on the other parts of your life, sometimes when you AREN’T looking is when something (or someone) magical can appear when you least suspect it!
unclemike
John, there are plenty of us queers who do not care a bit about the latest fashions, or going to the bars. At my advanced age of 46, I can tell you I went through the same feelings as you when I was in my 20s. Luckily, I have awesome friends and family (in both senses of the word) who helped me realize the truly important things in life.
It gets better, cutie. Hang in there.
Forrest
Unfairly,everything we do in life : employment,jobs,clothing,housing is judged by the majority as being identical to our sexuality. Heteros are not held to the same standard. They have lives. We have “lifestyles”.
Our media dominated culture tells us that if we don’t live to the Bravo standard we are worthless.
There has been marginal improvement. The gay couple portrayed in ABC’s Modern Family are nice average guys.
Overall though, the message continues to be that if you are not thin, white, and stylish you are a loser and not a good gay.
terrwill
@Forrest: Kudos for bringing up Cam and Mitchell on Modern Family. Am considering giving ABC a pass on the Lambert debacle for having a Gay couple on what has turned out to be one of the mega hits of this season on the tvs.
And its good that they cast two average looking guys, rather than the stereotypical hot Gay dudes you usuall see cast. Shows middle America that two Gays can have a loving, stable marriage……….(OMG! did I just say that Gay marriage can be loving and stable? sorry, Maggot)
>> As to lonley John, after perusing all the posts here I stick by my original post, shave the boystache and chin strap, get out there and introduce yourself to someone. If you don’t want to go to a bar, join a Gay org. or find a community center. Nothing ventured, nothing gained……. You are actually kinda cute dummy! I doubt very much you would get shot down immediatly
CountMeOut
He’s speaking the truth.
Most of my friends are straight, men and women. Gay men are very difficult to be friends with. They are jealous of your bf, or possessive about your other friends or relationships, or they sleep with your bf or want to sleep with you. Then, if you’re over 30, or don’t have big muscles, a huge cock, a hot ass, they won’t even look at you. So yes, let’s look in the mirror and as painful as it may sound, let’s accept it. He’s talking about the elephant in the room that we don’t want to acknowledge. And it probably hurts too much. But that goes to the heart of the matter: why are 67-year-olds on websites looking for “sons” or saying “now I’m ready for love”? Oh really? Well, when were you going to settle down, at 83? Gays lie about their age, their HIV status, they’re cruel and catty to one another, they bitch. So who do they really on the most? Their dogs. There’s even a book about dogs in gays’ lives for Pete’s sake? Or, if they don’t have a dog, maybe they have a female friend.
Of course not all gays are like this, but so many are that they spoil the party for the rest of us. That’s why we have the rates of suicide, alcohol and drug abuse that we have, especially in young gays who can’t find gay role models because those alleged older gay role models are trolls that want to sleep with them. Or they are like Dustin Lance Black who preach one thing and practice another.
Until we stop glamorizing pornography and porn stars, learn to listen and accept other for whom they are, and love ourselves a little bit more, nothing, nothing will ever change in our community. Not even if we get the right to marry or to serve openly in the armed forces. Racism and age discrimination and physical discrimination are rampant in our community, but we would rather look the other way and blame straights for all our ills or insult those who point this out and call us homophobes or self-loathing gays. No. We have to grow up. We have to take responsibilty.
Now don’t come here an attack me saying I am this or that. Attack the problem, the truth in what this kid is saying and what I am stating. Gay life is not the White Party or the circuit scene or bathouses or shopping. We have to make it more than than. Can we do it?
scott ny'er
I think John looks hot in that vid and wouldn’t change a thing. Just hang in there, John.
StudSlut
His fucking ugly. If I saw him in a bar, I would definitely not want him to come up to me. Stay away creep.
scott ny'er
@CountMeOut: Wasn’t Dustin Black in a monogamous relationship with that dude? In any event, big deal, what he does in private is his business. And was he preaching then (or is he even preaching now?) when those pics were taken?
I don’t think he is a good example.
I’m not saying you bring up good points. I just think it’s unfair to Dustin Lance Black.
terrwill
@CountMeOut: You made some good points, however ’bout 99% of the issues you put forth can apply to the hetro community as well………………
CountMeOut
@no.66 Scott,
@no. 67 Terrwill
Hey Scott, yes Dustin was going around speaking in schools and to youth groups, and no, that was not his bf, it was a porn actor sleaze ball, like one of the many Black hangs out with, including Brent Corrigan.
And yes Terrwill, those points apply to straights as well, but since we are a minority that is struggling for its soul, for respect and for love, the straights don’t have anything to prove, we do. And so we need to work harder at making our community better. Because although we are approx. 10 percent of the population, our rates in youth suicide, for example, are higher. We don’t cultivate or create safe places to just go chat, mingle and get to know one another, and we desperately need that. Unfortunately, economics also come into play. I dread to think that what will bring us together again will be another horrifice disease worse than AIDS further down the road.
scott ny'er
@scott ny’er: I meant to say, I’m not saying you don’t bring up good points.
Forrest
A lot of the attitude one encounters in gay bars stems from the hurt so many of us have experienced. When much of society rejects you it’s natural to lash out at those in your orbit. Just a lot of insecurity.
I am shy in social situations so when guys hit on me I am too nervous to respond. But they don’t know that. I come across as bitchy and not interested. So many walls we all have up against each other. Sigh. We all have work to do.
….Sure as hell could never be straight. Never even kissed a girl. To be perfectly honest boobs and vajayjay scare me. What you do with the former? Straight guys suck on them or something?
Keep the boobies away from me!!!
DR
I have to agree, there is a problem and we don’t want to address it. We try to put a label on everyone in the “community”, and that doesn’t work. If we can’t label them, we cast them aside. Individuality and uniqueness are not traits our community aspires to. And when people don’t act like we expect, we tell them they’re ugly and call them self-loathing because all they want to is to be themselves.
For a community which is demanding acceptance, we do a lousy job of it ourselves. Maybe we need to look in the mirror and fix that before we demand it of others…
Ian
@CountMeOut: I ain’t attacking, I’m thanking you for putting up that necessary mirror for the gay community. Truth to power my friend.
Ian
@CountMeOut:
…our rates in youth suicide, for example, are higher. We don’t cultivate or create safe places to just go chat, mingle and get to know one another..
One thing the gay community desperately needs to do is for those of us in our 30-40-50’s to be true gay mentors to questioning teens and coming out 20-somethings and not being gross perverts who are pretty much predatory sex-fiends instead. Those of us who are older, for heavens sake date your approximate age and be an ADULT and not a PREDATOR to the younger gays who could really use both some guidance and some wisdom from those who’ve already walked their fresher paths.
Kieran
Being gay is like being born left-handed…..it doesn’t go away if you “really try”. Once left-handed, always left-handed. Sure you can go through life forcing yourself to be right-handed if you want, but why should you? Accept that you’re gay and that since you can’t change, SOCIETY’S HOMOPHOBIA must change. And that it must change in YOUR lifetime.
DR
@Ian,
We desperately need to create safe spaces for ALL of us, and mentors to each other. We need to stop treating each other like commodities and nothing more. It’s not about age, it’s about attitude.
chango
@DR:
Kumbaya!
Kyle24
@scott ny’er:
Whether we like it or not Dustin Bareback is viewed as a role model which is bizarre. I think the writer was making a point of how we have to scrape the bottom of the barrel for role models. We should be looking to friends and family as role models and not some guys who tapes himself having unprotected sex with a guy who has done porn.
Tonytime
@Ian:
I’m 43 and I don’t go after younger guys. They go after me. It isn’t always the older guy being the predator. Young guys now a days came of age with the internet and aren’t the same as my generation when I came out.
Greg
Wow, I really feel for the kid. He apparently has no circle of friends to consult or confide in when his thoughts and attitude sink so low. Some of the queens on here are pretty bitter and certainly not helpful. I would not be the happy, gay, 40-something that I am today without my friends. You have to surround yourself with quality people, of all persuasions, to make the best of the hand that you are dealt. I didn’t come out until my mid-twenties, but never dated at all before then. I hadn’t joined in the bar scene. I didn’t have any “experience”, and certainly felt that I was not going to fit in or find my way… but I did, and I’m happy. I dated some winners and losers. I had a few one night stands. I found that “the bars” were all that we had in the early 90’s and used them to learn (rather than let them use me). I learned things about myself that I didn’t know. I improved on the things that I liked about myself and did my best to reduce or eliminate what I didn’t like. There’s nothing that you can to to change the things that you don’t like in other people. That made me more confident, more content with what I had achieved, and a better person worthy of the good friendships that I made (and kept) along the way. When I was 22 I was nowhere… it was all so overwhelming and everyone else seemed to know what they were doing much better than I. My ten year, monogamous relationship probably wouldn’t be as strong as it is today if I hadn’t gotten to know myself first. Fortunately, the bar scene here in Austin has always been friendly… just a reflection of the city itself I guess. My advice to John would be to move when he graduates. Get a fresh start (once there ARE jobs). There’s a whole world out there, and some of it is fantastic. Find your niche… or make your niche. Good luck John. Oh, and all you hatin’ bitches can just kiss my ass.
Ian
@Greg: Way to spread back the community hate there, hypocrite.
JR
Ignore the jaded post dissing you. The are insecure and wish they had it as good as you. You are young, handsome and just finding your way in this world. Especially hard in NY. I spent 14 years there, had the white picket fence farm house in Connecticut and great apt in the city. Not enough. You will find your way and one that loves you.
Take care.
rick mechtly
So he’s in an uncomfortable space at the moment – If he could sit invisibly on my shoulder as I embarked on a journey starting waay back in ’70 — He might find that using some protective radar to screen out TROUBLE served me very well – I innately came to realize that getting involved meant being creative – not tumbling for every TomDickHairy that fancies you . Somehow I didn’t get burned through my singles phase but met a host of interesting guys – The longest relationship of my life DID become a messy quagmire – then again I pulled meself together and remade a life. At thirty I ran straight into the tempest of AIDS (1983) as a hospital volunteer where I was truly stunned at how many fantastic persons would then be in my awareness (and why couldn’t these folk have been met in different circomstances)! This 12 year period was the real character-building time for the dozens of youth I trained to act usefullly in a crisis – If only my cicle had not shrunk to todays level.
Derek
@terrwill: so why are you still alone Terrwont if it aint so fucking hard?
Hmmmmmmmmm?
Washingtion Guy
@terrwill:
gee sounds great if you have all those great things, unfortunately not all people are so lucky, I certainly try the “do gay groups” things to meet people approach (as I don’t like bars, I don’t drink, and don’t like being around drink people) the issue is that the only people that show up the well only groups are all about twice my age so well my parents age. Which leave well the Internet which is about as useful as an online bar, if you are not an model you might as well not bother as no one is really interested and those that are, are only interested in sex, not a real relationship.
Mike in Asheville, nee "in Brooklyn"
Well one thing is definitely accurate about John’s video commentary: how can anyone tell which way is up?
Okay, so the kid is a bit whiney; but my first thoughts were that he was a bit suicidal (and I can’t imagine, no matter how supportive one thinks one’s family and friends might be, that 99.99% of us weren’t a little bit suicidal when sorting out our sexual identity in a society where our culture and norms have socialized us that we are wrong-minded at the least, sinful abominations at worst).
About half the comments on this thread attempt to aid John with stories of experience and well meaning advice; about a quarter of the posts want him to be their poster boy at the ready to swallow the “straight” pill that they themselves hope will cure their ills too; and about a quarter of posts rain insults for him being: ugly and undesirable (really those are so productive to the a good discussion, not, asswipes), a wimp unable to handle the pressures of the gay life, and the “I made it” so fuck-off and grow up.
Indeed, even among this Internet community of gays, there is such a messed up and skewed view with everyone shouting “I’m right; you’re wrong” and leaving the gay kids scratching their heads.
One piece of consolation though, from the National Inquirer to People Magazine, and those scores in between, adding in TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, E!, and the TV equivalents, there are 20 stories about some fucked up straight person and their fucked up lives for every story about a gay person. Turning straight is no answer.
Derek
Washington Guy do not listen to Terrwont, no one, except for a few fellow dipshits, listen to him.
He is a true troll, his bridge is missing him.
He tends to be a total douche bag.
He is a whiney bitch.
He thinks he knows everything about everything.
He think his thoughts must be shared, always.
He thinks his opinion is the only one that matters and the only one that is right.
He is totally pretentious, boastful and his opinion of himself is 150% laughable.
He is obsessed with some stupid prick named Michael Letterman and rabidly accuses others of being him.
He is paranoid to the extreme about the Right.
He likes to fantasize that homophobes and “ex” gays slink off to rest areas to get barebacked…barebacking is a recurring theme with him.
He pretends to be a 15-year-old, student athlete, gay rights soldier on these threads not realizing he has given himself away in multiple ways…..
In short, ignore Terrwont and his advice for it would be like:
diet tips from someone morbidly obese
driving advice from a non driver
photography tips from someone blind
mortgage advice from a life long renter
foot ware advice from the footless
dancing tips from a paraplegic
dental advice from the toothless
and so on and so on…….
Republican
Mike in Asheville,
Quit reading my mind. At the very least, there’s some depression going on.
hardmannyc
Please stop enabling head cases like this guy and that Davey Wavey creature. I used to go to this site a few times a day. Now, about 3/x week.
The Milkman
Get down off that cross, kiddo, and just live your life with integrity. Everything else will fall into place.
jimmy
I appreciate what Mike in Asheville and Greg have contributed.
Surrounding yourself with quality people, gay and straight, is essential.
The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. It is greener, as Erma Bombeck said, over the septic tank. It is completely natural at his age to see things in black and white and to operate in extreme viewpoints. Accumulated age and wisdom allows us to moderate our views and reconcile ourselves to the fact that much of this life plays out in uncertain grayness.
That is why it is so important to celebrate the happy moments that come to us, for they are fleeting.
The love you save may be your own.
marcello
I watched his video. He did not say he is ready to give up being gay!John is merely venting his frustration in an honest way!Cut him some slack! John you are 23 , that is very young.Relax a little enjoy life a little, things do get better. a lot of these comments are so negative and cutting or simplictic.I think its great that you are doing this video blog. Keep it up.
Endless Men
He is not tired being a gay, he is just having hard time be a gay in a “straight world”, you should change the title
J, Claudius
Preach, Brother.
I’m also a 22 year-old near-graduate and it was weird how much I feet this post. I’ve said half of these things in some way, I’ve thought lots of these things. Makes me wonder how much of his anxiety is, like me, a combination gay/sexuality questions and general college senior, entering the big world insecurities. I’ve definitely thought, not that being gay is, in any way, bad, but just that my sex life would be so. much. easier. if I was attracted to women.
We have these ideas about how gay people are supposed to be, and if we don’t conform to them, we’re some kind of twice-deviant, twice-broken. Because the first time, the first deviation, we didn’t notice that all it means is that we can make our own way, ignoring unattainable normative ideals of happiness, as hard and scary as that is, and as little as we deserve it.
We (you and me, John) are graduating soon. You’re in New York, I think, so I don’t know if you plan on moving or staying, but either way, I bet next year will be a huge new start, for both of us. And as worrying as that can be, as much as it pains me (and, I think, you) that I’m leaving college never being able to say “I love you” to anyone, it also makes me feel excited, capable, and gloriously young.
Does there need to be a sea change in “Gay Culture”? Is it already happening? Will we get “Serious Role Models”? Do we need any? Maybe it’ll be us. This is some serious, nonsensical rambling here, but I thought I should post, because you let me know that I’m not alone and I figured I’d do the same.
tron343
This is just a big pile of bullshit. I’d bet my right nut that the dude doesn’t have one, not one gay friend or hag in his life. Dude, get some friends and talk to them, instead of posting your complaints on you tube.
To want to change your sexuality just because you can’t laid or a date on Saturday night or even a hand job from a stranger is super lame. Suppose you could change. What guarantee is there that you’ll actually get these things from the opposite sex? None. Surprise! You’re back on You Tube, whining that girls don’t like you.
Dude, it’s time to give up all the bullshit that your parents, teachers, elders, etc. poured into you. Now grow a pair and get your mental shit together.
Couver87
Hello all,
Just wanted to thank all of you amazing people who had such inspirational and intelligent comments. I’m not sad or hurt. I am just really good at capturing the moment on video. I am so glad I was able too in this specific video and share my emotions and thoughts with so many other individuals who may have felt like that at one time or another.
LLL!
(Live, learn and love!) Mwah!
xoxo
-John-
benlayvey
@tron343: “What guarantee is there that you’ll actually get these things from the opposite sex?” The guarantee is that girls still force [I mean tongues down my throat, Valentines gifts & the works] themselves upon me even AFTER they know I’m gay. So clearly I will have no problem the moment I switch teams.
James
Very interesting comments. I was probably a lot like this guy when I was 22. I thought I was hideously ugly, most of my friends were straight, I wasn’t comfortable being out, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life alone, etc. I hated the crap that gay people had to go through. I never fit in with the “gay scene” at the time, which I thought was completely centered on looks. But I was gay, I wasn’t straight at all, and that was that, so I just muddled through my 20s with a series of unfulfilling sexual relationships that never made it to prime time. I wasn’t miserable, just wasn’t happy being alone. At some point I got some therapy and decided to just let the cards fall where they might.
Then one night, I met a guy on a dance floor of a disco at 130 am one night. It just happened – neither of us were looking for anything that night, just dancing. There was a spark there that had never been before. Within a month I was in love with him, and now, 24 years later, we are still together and will be until one of us ends up being put in a home. My life with him has been 100% happy, fulfilled, exciting and loving. He is a part of my family and my parents, siblings, cousins, etc, adore him. After I met him, my whole world opened up and I met a circle of new friends that made me feel a part of a gay group for the first time, and many of those guys have stayed longtime friends. We’re an old married couple without the piece of paper.
The point is, I went from not being all that happy about my life, or about being gay, to being totally happy almost overnight. Yes, being single is hard. But I had a straight roommate in my 20s who has been miserable for the last 30 years – several bad marriages, addiction problems, etc. Your sexuality in and of itself has little to do with how happy you can be. It’s everything else you need to work on, not where you put your dick. To those who think that gays are superficial and looks obsessed – well, they just need to meet some new gays. Go to a support group, a church, a community center, anything. Good men are out there. And speaking personally, if I can find the love of my life, anyone can.
Sorry about this kid, but he clearly needs someone to talk to, not the anonymous masses online. I hope he comes to grips with whatever is troubling him. But to all the posters here who say they would take a pill or whatever to become straight – sorry, pal, that wouldn’t work. You would probably still be miserable because now you would have to deal with WOMEN, who after a certain age lose interest in sex altogether. At least men still want to have sex until they’re old!
JoeyD
How in the world can fellow Gay men chastize this guy for having the feelings he has, when we live in a society where our lives are viewed by the voting majority and unequivalent to thiers.
Unfortunately he is not the only young Gay person in this world to feel the way he does. Thousands of LGBT Youth kill themselves every year because society has put this massive stigma on being Gay, they can’t/don’t know how to deal with that yet.
It’s completely horrendous and to be honest, Society as a whole has blood on their hands. People need to stop picking apart our lives and who we love and focus on their own lives. Yup, I’m a dude who likes dudes. FUCK YOU if you don’t like it. I don’t like that your husband fucks a chubby chick behind your back because she puts out and you don’t. But I don’t go around comparing my relationships to yours and deem mine superior.
John, life will not end because you haven’t found anyone yet. You’re 22 dude. Get your dick wet. You have plenty of time to find someone who wants to be with you beyond the physical. You have to catch many fish to find just the one. It’s like Brides shopping for their wedding dress. They look at and try on HUNDREDS before they find “the one”. Very similar. Wrap it up, and try someone on for size. Someday you WILL find the one.
Might I suggest finding youself a really really good and loyal girlfriend (meaning hag in Gay-glish). She will at least be a good shoulder and ear for the time being. You need emotional support. But keep in mind, you MUST learn to love yourself before any will really be able to love you. Trust me. I’ve been in your shoes, not quite in the same way, but was there none-the-less. It took a bit of therapy, just someone to talk to, to listen and give objective feedback. Was she a biased opinion? Sure the fuck was, hell she was getting paid to sit there and listen to me. But it still helps. I find being able to throw something off of someone elses mind is never a bad thing. It can give you perspective.
Don’t wish away who you are. Eventually you will wish your life away and you’ll find yourself a single 60-something still miserable because you never found the you you were looking for.
Head Up John. Life is far beyond age 22. Beyond College, your first boyfriend, first breakup. Life is a constant rollercoaster of decisions and emotions. Don’t give up on it. You’re too too young. Much Love, Peace and Happiness!
terrwill
@Washingtion Guy: Sorry things are so difficult for you. I have friend who actually met a guy in craigs list of all places. He put a ad stating very clearly that he is looking for a LTR, no phonies or sex replyers needed. He was upfront in his description of what he looks like and he actually met someone. They recently celebrated their 2 year anniversay. Nothing ventured, nothing gained…..good luck
hardmannyc
It’s so easy to be jaded and self-pitying in college.
Wait until you get into the real world, kiddo, and have to make a living and pay the rent. Then you won’t worry about getting a boyfriend.
TomEM
Before you give up consider:
http://www.queerty.com/help-queerty-find-straight-acting-erik-a-date-20100115/
AND/OR
http://www.queerty.com/how-to-succeed-in-online-dating-you-dont-have-to-show-your-face-just-your-abs-20100126/
(the latter not about not showing your face; just that site link)
Keith
I believe it is good and healthy that you are asking yourself a lot of questions. The questions are frustrating and make your head spin, but are not the right questions to ask.
With whom are you trying to “fit in”? Are you really seeking out a relationship, or are you truly yearning for someone to understand and accept you? Have you accepted yourself and every other gay man as a unique individual?
We all have insecurities, hopes, fears, and loves. These are our tender underbellies that we hide from others. It makes us vulnerable, and who wants that, right? Throw on some Gucci, and everything’s dandy?
Whatever level of interpersonal connection you want to create, you need to garner an unapologetic, clear image of who you are as a person. Acquaintances, friends, lovers, whatever . . . . when forming a bond with another, each of you wants to get a sense of who this person is. They don’t want to have to keep guessing with an ambivalent person.
Many gay bars offer its patrons a skin-deep view of others. Gay bars are sexually-charged places. I don’t know where you live, but find other venues to cognitively and emotionally exchange ideas, information, and feelings. I am sorry that the gay community can sometimes portray the gay bar as the icon of its culture. Go to a bar, enjoy, but don’t allow it to become your epicenter of gaydom.
Oh, and by the way, from one gay man to another, you are quite handsome. You analogize yourself as not a magnet. But just like a refridgerator magnet, if you flip it over, the other side won’t stick. Which side are you projecting to others? Project your true, postive side, and I am sure you’ll be a magnet to many on your side of the fridge.
Green know little
@ggreen:
Sorry green but the fact of the matter is most who are obese do not go to the bars simply cause they know they would be rejected anyhow – where did you come up with that notion otherwise?
Big a big man whose proud of his size (the power and attention it brings) I have no problem stating the obvious – those who go to the bar are the cute and they know it.
Maybe the bars you go to are different from the ones in Michigan lol
Girl
Guys, I’m a bisexual woman so I have both parts of it, the straight and the gay. I’ve got to tell you I’ve always found it easier to find girls with whom to have a serious relationship with rather than men – specially when they know I’m bi. I’d say this is just a guy thing. Quantity rather than quality.
Men will be like that be they straight or gay, and, naturally, when you want to get serious with them it can be difficult. Honestly, I think straight men have it easier on the commitment thing only because the other half of the relationship is female. We like to complicate things. So, really, you just have to decide what you want and fight for it, select more carefully who you relate with. We have to do it all the time (and it’s not easy, see how women complain, but it’s worth it).
Disgusted American
Ok Im disappointed – and I’ve seen his vids..this guy has nothing to complain about, come on dude..you got a great family..a supportive mom…you ARE ONLY 22..For CRIMINEYS SAKE….relax, stop bar hopping and looking for love in all the wrong places….actually STOP looking, it will find you. ..now at 49..I know of NO gay person with thier partner who met in a bar ……try a dating service. Geeez – you’re handsome…stop pressuring yourself. You don’t actually think you can “turn str8” do u? Come on…remember YOU ARE ONLY 22!!!
Sexy Rexy
Wish I had some real advice for him. I have met so many boyfriends and regular friends in the life who turned out to be losers. I know how he feels. But avoiding the trash that hangs out in bars is a good start.
Pip
“I’m not a magnet” ahaha wtf? Omg! I CANT BE UR MAGNET!!! OH CRUEL WORLD!!!
terrwill
@terrwill: Changed my mind. I’m glad that things are difficult for you.
Mike
I stumbled upon this post because I typed into google that I hate being gay and feeling alone. I would trade being gay for being straight in a heartbeat, because everyday I feel like I miss out on being normal like my friends. I’m 35 and hate being gay, BUT I love my life and the people in it. It’s JUST the fact that I am gay.
I’m fed up.
Mike
Yah being gay sucks. It is hard, lonely, and when you get old you have no one. Unlimited sex doesn’t even make up for it because most of the time it’s not with people you care about. Then you get to watch all your friends die when your 30 of aids then you lose your looks in your 40 and you can’t get married so basically 40s you are a lone without kids or a family with no friends and your parents uncles aunts cousins are also dead and your brothers and sisters are either dead or far way. Meaning you will spend the last part of your life a lone without love (the only “love” you had in the beginning of your life was random onenight stands) being gay is a life of hardship and disappointment and solitude and sickness being gay sucks and if I could be straight I would be