To Become Bishops, Anglican Priests Have To Prove They Aren’t Having Gay Sex

In its continued effort to tie itself in knots over gay issues, the Church of England has a new policy. It’s okay for lesbian and gay priests to be in a civil union. It’s even okay for them to be bishops.  They just can’t have sex. And now they  have to prove that they are not having gay sex. To the bishops.

That’s the loopy legal interpretation of the new church policy allowing for gay and lesbian clergy. The document issued this month insists that sexual orientation is not cause for rejecting a candidate. At the same time, “someone in a sexually active relationship outside marriage is not eligible for the episcopate or, indeed, other ordained ministry.” But the broad-minded thinkers in the Church don’t want to discriminate against gay or lesbian candidates in a civil union. So they are okay with someone in “a non-sexually active civil partnership.” Moreover, the archbishop will have to determine if the candidate’s life “is, and will remain, consistent with the teaching of the Church of England.” In other words, no gay sex, please. We’re Anglicans.

The document did not detail exactly how the bishop will, in its Freudian terminology, “satisfy himself” that the candidate is not having sex. We can only imagine that the questions will be alternately obtuse and offensive, in keeping with the Church’s general policy.