True Blood Recap Roulette: Fashion Crisis Hits Bon Temps!

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead shapeshifter without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This Week: Fashion Report!

The shoulder pads. The red leather/pleather/whatever. The fishnets! If Pam were to meet her true death, someone better hide every other iteration of this outfit. Because no one will ever wear it as fiercely.

Grade: A+

Emma, I know that you’re only a child, but don’t bore me again. Sure, you look cute in fur, but you can’t keep wearing it over and over again and not expect me to call you out.

Grade: B+

My graph from last week on this atrocity still stands. Nope. Horrible. Stop. Eyes. Burning.

Grade: F

For a man who looks like he walks through walls instead of around them, the pink duvet is an unexpected choice. But anytime Alcide covers his body, I feel a twinge of disappointment for the sexiness I’m missing.
Grade: A-

Sookie, Sookie, Sookie. Dressing like a tablecloth only makes all of your problems worse.

Grade: C

Terry and Whatshisname did an exceptional job of coordinating their dull subplot with some homogenous earth tones. I’m simultaneously impressed and sleepy. Bravo!

Grade: A

I don’t care if these are uniforms, when two people show up wearing the same thing, one is required to change. End. Of. Story.

Grade: C+

Salome, don’t think we wouldn’t recognize your “Sexy Secretary” outfit from Halloween. Wearing the same costume twice? For shame.

Grade: C-

Just because you play golf doesn’t give you the right to subject us to it.

Grade: D

The best thing about fairy outfits is that you can spot them with your eyes closed. However, golden-bird pins belong in the Hunger Games not True Blood. So unless you’re saving Peeta and his bread-baking beautifulness from peril, put that accessory back into the mystical charm box it came from.

Grade: B

You’ve been unearthed for like half-a-season already, right? This mess shouldn’t be happening. Pull yourself together, Russell.

Grade: C-

Oh, good. You found a Chico’s.

Grade: B-

Jason Sweeten is a contributing writer for Queerty. His expertise on clothes comes from having a season pass to Fashion Police. Photo credit: HBO