Queerty is better as a member

Log in | Register

True Blood Recap Roulette: Fashion Crisis Hits Bon Temps!

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True BloodIn fact, you can’t swing a dead shapeshifter without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This Week: Fashion Report!

The shoulder pads. The red leather/pleather/whatever. The fishnets! If Pam were to meet her true death, someone better hide every other iteration of this outfit. Because no one will ever wear it as fiercely.

Grade: A+


Emma, I know that you’re only a child, but don’t bore me again. Sure, you look cute in fur, but you can’t keep wearing it over and over again and not expect me to call you out.

Grade: B+


My graph from last week on this atrocity still stands. Nope. Horrible. Stop. Eyes. Burning.

Grade: F



For a man who looks like he walks through walls instead of around them, the pink duvet is an unexpected choice. But anytime Alcide covers his body, I feel a twinge of disappointment for the sexiness I’m missing.
Grade: A-


Sookie, Sookie, Sookie. Dressing like a tablecloth only makes all of your problems worse.

Grade: C


Terry and Whatshisname did an exceptional job of coordinating their dull subplot with some homogenous earth tones. I’m simultaneously impressed and sleepy. Bravo!

Grade: A


I don’t care if these are uniforms, when two people show up wearing the same thing, one is required to change. End. Of. Story.

Grade: C+


Salome, don’t think we wouldn’t recognize your “Sexy Secretary” outfit from Halloween. Wearing the same costume twice? For shame.

Grade: C-


Just because you play golf doesn’t give you the right to subject us to it.

Grade: D


The best thing about fairy outfits is that you can spot them with your eyes closed. However, golden-bird pins belong in the Hunger Games not True Blood. So unless you’re saving Peeta and his bread-baking beautifulness from peril, put that accessory back into the mystical charm box it came from.

Grade: B


You’ve been unearthed for like half-a-season already, right? This mess shouldn’t be happening. Pull yourself together, Russell.

Grade: C-


Oh, good. You found a Chico’s.

Grade: B-


Jason Sweeten is a contributing writer for Queerty. His expertise on clothes comes from having a season pass to Fashion Police. Photo credit: HBO

By:           Jason Sweeten
On:           Jul 16, 2012
Tagged: , , , , ,



      Jul 16, 2012 at 5:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • VONDA

      Who cares why Anderson came out. He’s out and the community (world) is all the better for it!!! Actually I knew it a LONG time ago. Just thought everybody knew it!!! Was surprised that it was “NEWS”
      (PS. I’m a straight 79 year old great grandma) LOL Now I’m “out” as straight!!!!

      Jul 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MJ (different from the other one)
      MJ (different from the other one)

      @VONDA: wrong article

      Jul 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Gauthier

      Yasssss!! Thanks Jason, I can go to sleep now (it’s 00.35 here), having had my monday dose of True Blood satire!

      Jul 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Joan Rivers
      Joan Rivers

      You will not get away with this blatant ripoff. My lawyers will be in touch with you soon!

      Jul 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • RayJacksonMS

      Congratulations on coming out Vonda and I think we all knew about Anderson.

      Jul 16, 2012 at 10:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Beth

      I contemplated adding shoulder pads into my fashion repertoire for half a second then I remembered that I am not Pam and never in a million years would be able to pull it off.

      Also, this show needs more Alfie Woodard. It’s like they magically found the exact point in time and space that I would laugh like a hyena at a mother saying, “Jesus love the little faggots!” to her gay son. That entire scene was awesome.

      Jul 17, 2012 at 12:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jo

      Love this. More of this. Thank you, Jason. -jo

      Jul 17, 2012 at 5:12 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam

      With Pam and especially with Hoyt they seemed to be going very 80′s.

      Jul 17, 2012 at 10:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • raisedsouth

      HILARIOUS! Anderson Cooper should be a vampire so he stays sexy gray man forever!!

      Jul 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

    Add your Comment

    Queerty now requires you to log in to comment

    Please log in to add your comment.

    Need an account? Register It's free and easy.





    Copyright 2014 Queerty, Inc.
    Follow Queerty at Queerty.com, twitter.com/queerty and facebook.com/queerty.