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True Blood Recap Roulette: The Trouble with Tara and Dead Werewolves

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead changeling without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This week: haikus!

 

We’ve experimented with screen caps and stick figures, so the obvious progression was toward Japanese verse. Yup. In this Recap Roulette, we’re serving you seventeen-syllable poetry (in 5-7-5 breaks, naturally) for this week’s episode True Blood, “Whatever I Am, You Made Me.” Let there be haikus!

 


Steve Newlin:
New Nan, stop the smirks.
You’re a baby, in vamp time.
End well, this will not.

 

Eric:
Shirtless and with Bill.
Why is this scene not hotter?
There are harnesses!

 

Arlene:
Not in a gay way,
Husband leaves with his man friend.
Girl, you just can’t win.

 

Pam:
Not to sound creepy:
You look fab in that coffin.
Blood tears, so fetching.

 

Debbie Pelt:
In death, still a pain.
This plot exists to distract
From ones with purpose.

Sheriff Bellefleur:
Chivalry, not dead.
“Here is a pic of my butt.
You wanna date me?”

 

Jessica:
Asks guy, “What are you?”
My wild guess? A fairy.
First clue: purple clothes.

 

Jason Stackhouse:
So hot for teacher.
Oh wait, sex makes him feel sad.
“No, Jessica. Stop.”

 


Salome:
Behold, wonder boobs.
Talks seem to end with thrusting.
Other than that… yawn.

 

Roman:
A thought: stay shirtless.
Sanguinistas have eyes, right?
Mainstreaming… it’s done!

 

Lafayette:
Why your food so yum?
“Mix magic of dead boyfriend
With gallon of bleach.”

 

Sookie:
I’m no lawyer, but
“Tried to shoot me in my home”
Is a strong defense.

 

Tara Thorton:
Silly vampire,
UVs are for the humans
Who prefer tan-deaths.

 

Photo credit: John P. Johnson/HBO

Jason Sweeten writes / mostly TV for Queerty /  But always for you.

By:           Jason Sweeten
On:           Jun 25, 2012
Tagged: , , , ,

  • 15 Comments
    • SLOWHIMDOWN_SPEEDHERUP_MBMT
      SLOWHIMDOWN_SPEEDHERUP_MBMT

      LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

      Jun 25, 2012 at 11:29 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • w.e.
      w.e.

      Thanks for keeping us in the know,
      because sadly I had to drop HBO,
      but kindly stick with the tried and true,
      and drop the silly and annoying bad Haiku.

      Jun 25, 2012 at 11:36 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      My favorite…

      Sookie:
      I’m no lawyer, but
      “Tried to shoot me in my home”
      Is a strong defense.

      Jun 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Rowan
      Rowan

      Now we can’t even get a cut, let alone spoiler-free headlines? Ttyl, queerty. It was fun while it lasted.

      Jun 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Codswallop
      Codswallop

      @Rowan: What spoilers in the headline? The dead werewolf in question has been dead since LAST season. And Tara is ALWAYS (rather monotonously, in fact) in trouble so that doesn’t give anything away.

      This season isn’t doing much to grab me so far, but the sexual abuse backstory for Jason is kind of interesting and anytime Chris Meloni wants to strip down is fine by me. Her story line has its ups and downs but IMO Deborah Ann Woll as Jessica is doing the best work, bringing the most humanity to any of the characters despite being a vampire.

      Jun 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chris
      Chris

      @rowan There are no spoilers in the headline! tell me we have an episode without Tara whining, THAT’s something noteworthy, Tara has been in trouble since well..episode 1 and the werewolf died last season.

      Jun 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @Codswallop:

      There were no spoilers in the headline.

      Jun 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jo
      jo

      LOVE THE HAIKUS! LOLz

      Jun 25, 2012 at 6:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iluvcakes
      iluvcakes

      I hope Tara gets it together.. it aint that bad and if u REALLY wanna die trust me it won’t be that hard. Sookie is kinda killing me this season. If she didn’t cover up her mess her and Alcede could have been shacking up by now

      Jun 25, 2012 at 7:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • raisedsouth
      raisedsouth

      Awesome Haikus I just finished season 4 and your keeping me in the know for season 5 and yes more shirtless everyone needs to be shirtless, i mean come on!

      Jun 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Gay Bacon
      Gay Bacon

      @w.e.: I LOVE TRUEBLOOD!! And I got rid of tv long time ago because I have too much work to do and tv was a distraction(now I’m always on queerty lol). Anyway, you can always see True Blood online at ” tv links” Just google it and you should get a website that has a uk extension. Enjoy!

      Team Eric HERE!

      Jun 25, 2012 at 10:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kamuurie
      Kamuurie

      Tara is so fucking annoying. She needs to DIE ALREADY! I thought they were giving her a nice farewell when she went to live in New Orleans, but NOPE! She comes back. Bitch.

      Jun 26, 2012 at 2:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • John
      John

      True Blood sucks this season…the writing, plot lines, overemphasis on annoying characters…it used to be so good but has really jumped the shark.

      Jun 27, 2012 at 8:50 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MJ (different from the other one)
      MJ (different from the other one)

      I love Pam but I think this time, not even she can save the show. If Tara is dead from this suicide attempt, then I will be glad. Not because I hat Tara (I love her!!!, but I hate what’s been done with her. she didn’t deserve that, and I know the show is about vampires but, nearly everyone on the show with the exception of Jason, Arlene, Terry, Hoyt and Andy is some sort of supernatural character. something tells me by the end of the season, one of them is gonna tun into another supernatural and I’ve gotten tired of Vampires, Werewolves, Shifters, Witches, Fairies, Demons, and whatever else they have now. I know they’re trying to give everyone as much story and interest as possible but damn, it’s just too much put some of them out of their misery, please.

      also. Pam had the best line in the entire episode: “You stupid bitch”

      Jun 27, 2012 at 10:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Howard
      Howard

      Ok, two comments:

      1. Fix the Jessica haiku; the second line doesn’t have 7 syllables unless you say “Wi-yuld”

      2. Have none of the people writing these comments bitching about the inclusion of supernatural beings (“nearly everyone on the show with the exception of Jason, Arlene, Terry, Hoyt and Andy is some sort of supernatural character. something tells me by the end of the season, one of them is gonna tun into another supernatural and I’ve gotten tired of Vampires, Werewolves, Shifters, Witches, Fairies, Demons, and whatever else they have now.”) even bothered to pick up ONE of the Charlaine Harris books upon which the series is based? For God sake, read, people!

      Jul 10, 2012 at 12:25 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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