Queerty is better as a member

Log in | Register
  THIS BITES

True Blood Recap Roulette: I’m a Gay American Vampire

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead changeling without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This week: screencaps!

 

We’re just cleaning up some vampires we exploded in our fancy office. Deal.

Alas, they’re trapped by the Vampire Authority’s silver netting (available at Tiffany’s… never).

Tara is missing half her head. Pam isn’t being very helpful, “Turn her? I don’t even like her.”

Then Tara is all, “Nom nom nom.” Thanks, Pam!

Jason answers the door in the worst/best possible way.

When dressed like this, don’t let a Reverend inside.

Steve confesses his gay love for not-gay Jason. It goes totally well.

JK! Jason says no, sending Steve into a crazy, sweater-fueled, lover’s rage. Jessica shoos him away.

 

Pam is more upset about wearing something from Wal-Mart than helping Tara.

Eric and Bill are trapped; they use an umbrella and some wood to make the car go boom.

Eric is vampire siblings with one of the transporters. This is how they say “hello.”

Bill stole the expression right off my face.

Lafayette says goodbye to his boyfriend Jesus, making us feel all of the sad feelings.

Sookie and I both take contemplative showers after rough days. Sure, I’ve never held a dying BFF, but sometimes my work is kinda stressful?

This dramatic lady razor won a Tony Award for Best Performance by a Featured Lady Razor.

“We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions.” Actual sentence said after Eric had sex with his sister.

Is Rock Band still a thing? Jessica and her non-vampire friends seem to think so.

Oh shoot, the Vampire Authority found us! Let’s hiss in their general direction.

Tara might be dead, but at least Pam slept in yellow sweats and managed to survive.

Introducing the world’s most joyful vampire: Tara!

 

Next Week: We learn that the part of your brain that says “don’t crouch on sinks” was lost in Tara’s accident.

 

Jason Sweeten used to blog about drag queens.

By:           Jason Sweeten
On:           Jun 11, 2012
Tagged: , , ,

  • 17 Comments
    • Cam
      Cam

      LOVED how they made the conservative homophobic closed minded minister a closet case…as is so often the case.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 1:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ron Jackson
      Ron Jackson

      I felt insulted by the scene.
      As soon as the “I’m a gay American Vampire” statement is made in pops the vampire “vixen” in fishnet to “wash away the gay” and screw the distressed cute boy. Disgusting. I switched channels.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Belize
      Belize

      @Ron Jackson: LOL. If find it funny that you’re offended.

      He’s not just a “gay American Vampire.” He was also a bigoted gay Republican American Vampire abusive of his power despite his inability to understand human dynamics. What’s the matter? Did that scene hit a little too close to home?

      Don’t worry, I’m sure that the vixen who kicked you out of her boyfriend’s apartment won’t be back to give you an ass kicking as long as you play nice. :)

      Jun 11, 2012 at 2:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jim G
      Jim G

      Are we really having a debate over True Blood being politically correct or realistic? This is good stuff.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Frances
      Frances

      i read the books and jason in the movie in the book. if the other people in the series were there i would not watch. jessica i wish they killed her off

      Jun 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Alan down in Florida
      Alan down in Florida

      You know it’s a busy episode when the review of it doesn’t even mention multiple nude Sam Merlot appearances.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Basch
      Basch

      @Ron Jackson: LOL, seriously? Get over it. If that wouldn’t have happened, what would you have rather happened? Newlin raping Jason, or Jason suddenly realizing he’s gay? Come on.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Neil Elliot
      Neil Elliot

      Well, economics killed off my SHOWTIME and HBO access, so, even though this was made as a tongue in cheek (or teeth in neck) nod to the episode, at least I got some of the essence. I have watched this show from the beginning….I’m not about to run to friends’ homes to watch, but anyone have access to more complete episodes for us 99%ers? Not that there’s anything wrong with running to friends’ homes to catch a tv show, but it’s the preparation of leaving home and going out into the real world…..this couch potato much prefers down home comfort…..

      Jun 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Derek
      Derek

      Neil try HBOgo.com – just sign in using your cable provider and watch the show like I did this morning at 6:00.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael Preston
      Michael Preston

      Please of please let Chris Meloni and Eric (Vampire) or Jason Stackhouse FALL IN LOVE!!! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!!!! I can’t wait to see what they do with Chris……hopefully we’ll experience some naked shots like we saw in OZ. My whole True Blood watch party (10 of us each Sunday) are ALL hoping!!!!! A GIRL CAN DREAM…

      Jun 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BigBlowJob
      BigBlowJob

      @> No. 8 · Neil Elliot -
      Just do what we do. Buy the season when it comes out on disc. So what,…we may be a few episodes behind but, that way we save $ AND get the substance appeal! SB

      Jun 11, 2012 at 6:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Karen
      Karen

      How can you not have a screencap of Eric’s naked ass! And I had that gay feeling about Newlin from the very beginning. I actually think that the way Jason turned him down was a positive one! It wasn’t homophobic, he just outright told him that he was flattered but it wasn’t reciprocated. What’s wrong with that?

      Jun 11, 2012 at 6:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Karen
      Karen

      @Neil Elliot:

      HBO/Cinemax had a free preview weekend or I couldn’t have seen it either.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • timncguy
      timncguy

      @Frances: Frances, could you write that over again in English so I can understand what you are trying to say?

      Jun 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Somebody
      Somebody

      One hopes Steve gets over his creepy stalker thing.

      I heard Russel is getting a new love interest, maybe Steve will be the king’s new boy toy.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 8:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Red Meat
      Red Meat

      @Ron Jackson: Go watch season 2, that betch is evil and deserves to die.

      Jun 11, 2012 at 11:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • darkorient
      darkorient

      Hahaha… I love you, Jason Sweeten!

      Jun 12, 2012 at 11:27 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

    Add your Comment

    Queerty now requires you to log in to comment

    Please log in to add your comment.

    Need an account? Register It's free and easy.

  • POPULAR ON QUEERTY

    FOLLOW US
     



    GET QUEERTY'S DAILY NEWSLETTER


    FROM AROUND THE WEB

    Copyright 2014 Queerty, Inc.
    Follow Queerty at Queerty.com, twitter.com/queerty and facebook.com/queerty.