REAL ESTATE PORN

Wanna Buy Ellen and Portia’s $60,000,000 Home?

You don’t have to be a TV actress or a daytime talk show host to live in an incredibly fabulous house, but it sure helps. Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi have decided to sell their palatial Beverly Hills compound for the completely reasonable price of $60 million. But before you scoff at the price tag, just look at everything you’ll get.

A pool with deck platforms, a perfectly manicured lawn, and lounging chairs make for ideal summer relaxation when the hounds at the TV studio have been barking all day. Throw in an additional $50 or $60 thousand and get your very own pool jockey wearing whatever kind of uniform you like. “We’d like another clean towel and a mojito, darling. There’s a good girl.”

The game room features high ceilings, natural light, and creepy portraits. But don’t worry—Ellen has drawn mustaches on every one so you can laugh at them rather than out of fear. Plus, the game room contains rustic-style wood furnishing for that authentically lesbian touch.

Now every meal can happen outdoors with this naturally lit cooking area complete with grill and woodfire oven. What will it be tonight, ladies? Grilled foie gras or three-cheese pizza fiesta nachos?

A beautiful bonzai, hanging lanterns, lavish rugs, and comfortable couch make this the perfect patio for a sensuous evening at home with your special lady friend or a perfect dramatic backdrop for when you announce that you’re leaving her for another special lady friend.

And when the unbearable lightness of lesbianism has become too much, escape into this meditative pond of wonders. Let the moistened lily pads and croaking bull frogs remind you of the happiness that awaits inside of you.

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